more cool things, some i forgot to mention last time, some new!
- i got to meet valerie. she was beautiful of course, but amazingly quiet and still, although i'm sure i timed that just right. i DID, however, get to see her bust out with a travolta-esque saturday night fever arm punch, with concordant foot dancing, a few moments before i passed her to min. that totally rocked.
- last week, i witnessed the Power Of All Of Us when threadless reprinted this beauty and it finally arrived in my home, safe, sound and delicious. i got the blue, and i'm very happy to say i successfully dropped a shirt size. woo! thank you stress!
- yesterday we did in fact head out into the Great Beyond for an adventure. the adventure took us to sausalito. the plan was to go to the caledonia street fair for a bit of craftiness and yummy food, then (particularly if the fair sucked), go to the marin headlands on the other side of 101.
well traffic was pretty thick considering the holiday weekend, so we didn't get parked and walking towards the fair until about 2pm. and, since there was no map/info on the internet about precisely where the fair started (plus we hadn't been to sausalito before), we ended up parking a half mile from the goods. but, it was a gorgeous day and we both were doing well so: on, teb!
besides we were both motivated by hunger. i'd read that there was supposed to be an array of international cuisines represented and about 150 booths. oh and music. there was music, i'd say 60-75 booths, and for food: thai, an italian place selling pizza, and two burger/beer joints (one at each end). i wanted something hot, grilled and fresh (who doesn't?) so i voted hot dog and coke and i must say, they were very tasty.
as to the craftwerks: as usual i didn't get anything, but we both enjoyed seeing more diverse crafts than we're used to seeing at events like this. including a guy who did etchings in stone. very beautiful (but naturally, expensive). min got a VERY cute handmade hat - she's gotten into wearing hats lately and some other things, i forget.
so even though there wasn't that much to see, amazingly it took us about 3 hours to meander up and down the fair. by the time we got done and back to the car we were thinking about dinner. we wanted to go to ghirardelli on the way out of town, so trolled around for a place nearby to eat. oh sure, we had our usuals but wanted to explore. so, drive...drive...didn't see anything good.
finally we caved in and just parked at the square. tried first usual - the mandarin - closed for private event! they suggested a thai place downstairs...also closed for private event! walked to tgi friday's down the street...which is now an irish bar and grill. i saw a mexican place at the cannery so we finally landed there and had some moderately good fajitas. walked back to ghirardelli and got our choco fix then headed home.
min just walked by and showed me something i found last night, outside the cannery, that i forgot about. on the sidewalk, i found a little white heart, with a rainbow swooping down across it, and a little faux diamond inside it. a little scuffed but still cute. just now she put it on a chain and says she's going to wear it to remember the great day we had yesterday (and it was a good day).
today we're hoping to go play some goofy golf. i'm so happy that she's up for going out a 2nd day in a row, especially after what (for her) was a pretty active day. and with that i will go have lunch and hope that all of you are having a good holiday weekend. :-)
Monday, May 29, 2006
Sunday, May 28, 2006
circle of life
as good a start as any is to say, yesterday i almost blogged this:
my god. sometimes i really am brilliant.
this after only a couple of hours of fidgeting with code, and getting it to do EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED IT TO DO. that, my imaginary friends, is no small feat. especially when lately you've been feeling that you are a dufus. and i assure you, in many ways i am. but right then...so not. it was really quite nice.
do i still want to do something else (besides code) with my semi-charmed life? maybe. but i'll take these small triumphs where i can, and just see where my mind takes me later.
i really try not to blog when i'm in the throes of my Monthly Hormonic Posession (which i think from now i will refer to as MHP), but since i'm on the downside now:
wen, things are alright. it's still pretty much the same as before - there are good times and bad, and i spose that's true for anyone. mostly it's just mellow and i guess in a way that's not too shabby. but it's not particularly blog-worthy either. but some general things from the last week or so:
- i got back in touch with my sister (rather, she with me). it's really been fun chatting with her on IM, and after her saying she was going to start blogging, on a whim i told her about mine. i had decided not to tell my family about it, to keep it separate, but...fuck it. a few days later she told me she and her hubby stayed up all night reading ALL OF IT. sheesh! that's dedication. but in turn i found out this brain-not-turning-off thing is a family trait. whoops.
- so i got good convo and another good blog, yay! and then the other day i found out about cap'n picard's blog and if you like star trek you MUST read it. the first one i read was about doing the laundry and it's fucking hilarious.
- in a blogging first (for me), i am finishing this entry about 12 hours after i started it. i started it around noon, when min was still sleeping. she got up shortly after, and so then we were busy visiting, etc. since the MHP was still bothering me a lot today i wasn't up for going out as planned. so: tv, napping, eating, tv, dishes, talking...
and late tonight we did more talking than i expected. about the usual suspects of late: honesty, the lack thereof, and/or suspicion of the lack of honesty, details about former mental affairees, threats to go talk to affairees, then segueing into general communication problems and our inability to successfully conclude a difficult discussion. well, without putting the convo to an unnatural halt.
but i guess that's the thing right now. we're still learning about healthy ways to communicate about these things and are NOT good at it yet. i have trouble knowing when - and what - information/feelings to volunteer. sometimes i just want to scream at her, but sometimes i want to just scream at me. in the end it's almost always tears (both of us) and pep talks, promising to keep the faith that, with help, we will work things out. i think if nothing else tonight i realized that i really am doing a shitty job of showing her how much i love her... i just hope i wake up and give her her due. i really am lucky to have someone who loves me as much as she does, who loves me when i feel completely unworthy.
- my glorious capper to all that is, the 25th saw our 10 year anniversary. since i was knee deep in MHP hell at that time, we only went out to dinner. but a very lovely dinner at buca di beppo's. are hoping to go somewhere fun/out of town tomorrow, since i should be virtually cramp-free by then. have a rental car (regular's in the shop) with satellite radio! before i had it in my own car i knew it was cool and all but jesus. that shit's more addictive than crack i think.
ok that's more than enough. my cried out little eyes are complaining that they need to go to bed, and i'll obey now. hasta luego.
my god. sometimes i really am brilliant.
this after only a couple of hours of fidgeting with code, and getting it to do EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED IT TO DO. that, my imaginary friends, is no small feat. especially when lately you've been feeling that you are a dufus. and i assure you, in many ways i am. but right then...so not. it was really quite nice.
do i still want to do something else (besides code) with my semi-charmed life? maybe. but i'll take these small triumphs where i can, and just see where my mind takes me later.
i really try not to blog when i'm in the throes of my Monthly Hormonic Posession (which i think from now i will refer to as MHP), but since i'm on the downside now:
wen, things are alright. it's still pretty much the same as before - there are good times and bad, and i spose that's true for anyone. mostly it's just mellow and i guess in a way that's not too shabby. but it's not particularly blog-worthy either. but some general things from the last week or so:
- i got back in touch with my sister (rather, she with me). it's really been fun chatting with her on IM, and after her saying she was going to start blogging, on a whim i told her about mine. i had decided not to tell my family about it, to keep it separate, but...fuck it. a few days later she told me she and her hubby stayed up all night reading ALL OF IT. sheesh! that's dedication. but in turn i found out this brain-not-turning-off thing is a family trait. whoops.
- so i got good convo and another good blog, yay! and then the other day i found out about cap'n picard's blog and if you like star trek you MUST read it. the first one i read was about doing the laundry and it's fucking hilarious.
- in a blogging first (for me), i am finishing this entry about 12 hours after i started it. i started it around noon, when min was still sleeping. she got up shortly after, and so then we were busy visiting, etc. since the MHP was still bothering me a lot today i wasn't up for going out as planned. so: tv, napping, eating, tv, dishes, talking...
and late tonight we did more talking than i expected. about the usual suspects of late: honesty, the lack thereof, and/or suspicion of the lack of honesty, details about former mental affairees, threats to go talk to affairees, then segueing into general communication problems and our inability to successfully conclude a difficult discussion. well, without putting the convo to an unnatural halt.
but i guess that's the thing right now. we're still learning about healthy ways to communicate about these things and are NOT good at it yet. i have trouble knowing when - and what - information/feelings to volunteer. sometimes i just want to scream at her, but sometimes i want to just scream at me. in the end it's almost always tears (both of us) and pep talks, promising to keep the faith that, with help, we will work things out. i think if nothing else tonight i realized that i really am doing a shitty job of showing her how much i love her... i just hope i wake up and give her her due. i really am lucky to have someone who loves me as much as she does, who loves me when i feel completely unworthy.
- my glorious capper to all that is, the 25th saw our 10 year anniversary. since i was knee deep in MHP hell at that time, we only went out to dinner. but a very lovely dinner at buca di beppo's. are hoping to go somewhere fun/out of town tomorrow, since i should be virtually cramp-free by then. have a rental car (regular's in the shop) with satellite radio! before i had it in my own car i knew it was cool and all but jesus. that shit's more addictive than crack i think.
ok that's more than enough. my cried out little eyes are complaining that they need to go to bed, and i'll obey now. hasta luego.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
i don't think so
i just found this:
bastards!
event.cancelBubble = true;i mean, no bubbles? that's just not right.
// don't bubble the event
}
bastards!
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
fighting with my eyelids
my right eye is trying to close shut. the left one is thinking about it but for reasons unknown to me, is much sturdier against the forces of gravity. at least for now.
hey it's been a long time since i posted after midnight. and for once i'm not up for angst-related reasons. no, we went out. after an exceedingly tedious day at work, i was going to go roller skating until i found out tonight was the wrong night for the particular place i was going. bastards! so, what to do instead? so many options but instead of being wild and crazy we went to see da vinnie code. i liked it alright but min didn't - she read the book though.
on the way out of the mall (went to the newish amc eastridge near us - very nice! if a bit like being in vegas because of the looong hallways) we stopped into this lil photo booth and got silly/swoony sticker pics taken like when we first got together. and this was better because you got two sheets for $3! instead of one sheet of 4 shots. like always i didn't like any shot of myself but they were still fun to take, and to have even so.
i'm usually in charge of navigating so i volunteered to figure out how (using public transport) min was going to get to a class she's taking tomorrow in the city. yes i know about this. and thank god for it, but there were other variables and errands for tomorrow, like pearl getting dropped off, picked up for grooming, plus i actually have to work somewhere in there, blah blah blah. this is all very boring but suffice to say it took a little while to figure out what our schedule needs to be tomorrow. of course it does take longer to do that when you're also reading your email, reading other blogs, buying corn, but details.
oh and i guess, for a more emotionally compelling aspect to this post: i'm sorry to be vague but let's just say that this last weekend was not something i want to repeat. i could have broadcast "the inappropriate show" all weekend from my house. but, apologies and promises were made, and hopefully that will be that. even though it's only tuesday - well, wednesday now - things have been much much better already, thank goodness.
ok that's it for my fascinating recap. i'm calling a jihad on my eyelids. nighty night.
hey it's been a long time since i posted after midnight. and for once i'm not up for angst-related reasons. no, we went out. after an exceedingly tedious day at work, i was going to go roller skating until i found out tonight was the wrong night for the particular place i was going. bastards! so, what to do instead? so many options but instead of being wild and crazy we went to see da vinnie code. i liked it alright but min didn't - she read the book though.
on the way out of the mall (went to the newish amc eastridge near us - very nice! if a bit like being in vegas because of the looong hallways) we stopped into this lil photo booth and got silly/swoony sticker pics taken like when we first got together. and this was better because you got two sheets for $3! instead of one sheet of 4 shots. like always i didn't like any shot of myself but they were still fun to take, and to have even so.
i'm usually in charge of navigating so i volunteered to figure out how (using public transport) min was going to get to a class she's taking tomorrow in the city. yes i know about this. and thank god for it, but there were other variables and errands for tomorrow, like pearl getting dropped off, picked up for grooming, plus i actually have to work somewhere in there, blah blah blah. this is all very boring but suffice to say it took a little while to figure out what our schedule needs to be tomorrow. of course it does take longer to do that when you're also reading your email, reading other blogs, buying corn, but details.
oh and i guess, for a more emotionally compelling aspect to this post: i'm sorry to be vague but let's just say that this last weekend was not something i want to repeat. i could have broadcast "the inappropriate show" all weekend from my house. but, apologies and promises were made, and hopefully that will be that. even though it's only tuesday - well, wednesday now - things have been much much better already, thank goodness.
ok that's it for my fascinating recap. i'm calling a jihad on my eyelids. nighty night.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
working
i feel like i'm working a lot. i'm working on real work, and i'm working on looking busy at work. i hate trying to look busy...especially when my boss is behind me the whole time. so even though i had time to blog, i couldn't. but luckily i just got assigned a spec today so now i'll be busy (for real) for a few weeks. phew!
you could have blogged at home, you say. yes that's true. but i'm also working on doing better at this whole relationship thing. yes, believe it or not, kids, i am not perfect. anyway working on a relationship means not sitting in front of a computer for hours at a time (unless your partner is asleep, like she is right now). good thing this gives me time for freelance projects. but today, or at least right now, i can't generate interest in it.
but this is the thing. i realized today that for some reason, i am getting SO disinterested in being a coder. don't ask me what the hell i want to do instead - i have no idea. all i know is, this ain't floatin my boat so much anymore. that both annoys and scares me, mostly because i don't have strong ideas about replacement work. as another friend of mine would say, i don't know who or where my tribe is.
good thing that when it comes to staying employed, i move wisely. i'll spend some time thinking this over and make my move eventually without missing a beat. that, my friends, is one skill i indeed have -- staying employed. although i would trade it for a higher emotional IQ any day.
speaking of my deficiencies, and the improving of them, we did in fact see our therapist, B, last saturday. not before having a humdinger of a *discussion* on the way up there though. the only good thing i can say about that is, it sure made it easy to have a difficult discussion fresh in my mind. i am the queen of forgetfulness so that's no small issue to me. later m said she learned a lot about me and how i think during that session. i felt like i learned some, but mostly got some tools for how to handle things during a fight, and ways to express feelings in a more constructive manner. like giving each other the space (time) to respond, or negotiating a time to talk. i know it sounds simple but there are some things you just don't learn properly when growing up, and for us, these were left out. not that i'm necessarily being better about expressing my feelings...
after the therapist we went to la honda for a bonafide lesbian comedy show at a bonafide lesbian restaurant. it was pretty disappointing on all counts, actually. let's just say my broccoli was good and that wasn't the main course. and one out of 3 comics - apparently, the non-lesbian comic - was funny. one was mildly funny and the other one was flat out annoying. oh well, at least it was a pretty drive up there and back.
in other adventures, yesterday instead of going to bingo we finally made it to women's game night up in oakland. figured doing that we could actually *talk* to other people instead of spending all our time figuring out if it was B7 or N37 that got called.
and talk we did, because when we walked in (only 5 minutes late) they'd started go goddess. i about lost it when i saw it on the table. rainbows, butterflies, CANDLES...i mean, wow. i was very happy to hear the host, kara, say that it was going to be an experiment (from a friend) and if we didn't like it we'd switch to something else.
well the fact is, cheesy and suprisingly hetero-focussed as it was (good thing us dykes like to bend the rules), it was a really good way to get to know other people. because as a game for womyn (goddesses, sorry), it was all about talking, sharing, journeying. and since i didn't know anyone else there besides min, it was actually very interesting. oh and i think the best part was, the stupid candles wouldn't light. i mean, two of us got them to light, but they took work. like i guess any woman worth her salt does.
ok that's enough from me for now. except to say, congrats again to liz and andrea on their little bundle of joy, valerie. she's so beautiful. :-)
you could have blogged at home, you say. yes that's true. but i'm also working on doing better at this whole relationship thing. yes, believe it or not, kids, i am not perfect. anyway working on a relationship means not sitting in front of a computer for hours at a time (unless your partner is asleep, like she is right now). good thing this gives me time for freelance projects. but today, or at least right now, i can't generate interest in it.
but this is the thing. i realized today that for some reason, i am getting SO disinterested in being a coder. don't ask me what the hell i want to do instead - i have no idea. all i know is, this ain't floatin my boat so much anymore. that both annoys and scares me, mostly because i don't have strong ideas about replacement work. as another friend of mine would say, i don't know who or where my tribe is.
good thing that when it comes to staying employed, i move wisely. i'll spend some time thinking this over and make my move eventually without missing a beat. that, my friends, is one skill i indeed have -- staying employed. although i would trade it for a higher emotional IQ any day.
speaking of my deficiencies, and the improving of them, we did in fact see our therapist, B, last saturday. not before having a humdinger of a *discussion* on the way up there though. the only good thing i can say about that is, it sure made it easy to have a difficult discussion fresh in my mind. i am the queen of forgetfulness so that's no small issue to me. later m said she learned a lot about me and how i think during that session. i felt like i learned some, but mostly got some tools for how to handle things during a fight, and ways to express feelings in a more constructive manner. like giving each other the space (time) to respond, or negotiating a time to talk. i know it sounds simple but there are some things you just don't learn properly when growing up, and for us, these were left out. not that i'm necessarily being better about expressing my feelings...
after the therapist we went to la honda for a bonafide lesbian comedy show at a bonafide lesbian restaurant. it was pretty disappointing on all counts, actually. let's just say my broccoli was good and that wasn't the main course. and one out of 3 comics - apparently, the non-lesbian comic - was funny. one was mildly funny and the other one was flat out annoying. oh well, at least it was a pretty drive up there and back.
in other adventures, yesterday instead of going to bingo we finally made it to women's game night up in oakland. figured doing that we could actually *talk* to other people instead of spending all our time figuring out if it was B7 or N37 that got called.
and talk we did, because when we walked in (only 5 minutes late) they'd started go goddess. i about lost it when i saw it on the table. rainbows, butterflies, CANDLES...i mean, wow. i was very happy to hear the host, kara, say that it was going to be an experiment (from a friend) and if we didn't like it we'd switch to something else.
well the fact is, cheesy and suprisingly hetero-focussed as it was (good thing us dykes like to bend the rules), it was a really good way to get to know other people. because as a game for womyn (goddesses, sorry), it was all about talking, sharing, journeying. and since i didn't know anyone else there besides min, it was actually very interesting. oh and i think the best part was, the stupid candles wouldn't light. i mean, two of us got them to light, but they took work. like i guess any woman worth her salt does.
ok that's enough from me for now. except to say, congrats again to liz and andrea on their little bundle of joy, valerie. she's so beautiful. :-)
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
wen...this one's for you
This is for wen, my little commenting cheerleader (thanks wen :-). So what’s new with me since my last semi-whiny post?
Well, what’s new today is my work computer died. kaPUTZkie! The hard drive is getting replaced and re-imaged now, I should have it back tomorrow. Meantime I would like to thank liz for being on maternity leave so I could use her computer.
oh AND! i was not brilliant enough to solve my coding problems at work, but a very smart guy in our group was. with his help, and then additional work based off that (by yours truly), i was able to get everything magically delicious. phew!
In personal drama news (internal or otherwise) I would like to report there has been no real drama to speak of. Although I did unexpectedly stumble into an email convo with AG. I hadn’t talked to her for weeks. And turns out that was intentional on both our sides. Breathers are good. I still feel a bit … crazy … when I think about her. Crazy because I can’t have her, and that reminds me that I wish I didn’t want to have her and was content with monogamy. BUT it does feel good to have a normal (silly and serious) conversation with her, like we’re at least partially restoring normalcy.
Other relationship news…well it’s like I told AG. Things will be fine (calm, happy, sexy, playful) for anywhere from a few hours to a few days. Then they won’t be. There will be angst-ridden discussions aplenty, etc. So, that’s difficult, but all to be expected as I imagine.
We see the therapist again this weekend. Did I start on my homework? Well actually yes. Am I going to get a second revision in before Saturday? Hell no. But at least I did the first draft. :-D
Ok that’s all I have time for today, what with all my puter fun. Wen, get some sleep and vitamin C!
Well, what’s new today is my work computer died. kaPUTZkie! The hard drive is getting replaced and re-imaged now, I should have it back tomorrow. Meantime I would like to thank liz for being on maternity leave so I could use her computer.
oh AND! i was not brilliant enough to solve my coding problems at work, but a very smart guy in our group was. with his help, and then additional work based off that (by yours truly), i was able to get everything magically delicious. phew!
In personal drama news (internal or otherwise) I would like to report there has been no real drama to speak of. Although I did unexpectedly stumble into an email convo with AG. I hadn’t talked to her for weeks. And turns out that was intentional on both our sides. Breathers are good. I still feel a bit … crazy … when I think about her. Crazy because I can’t have her, and that reminds me that I wish I didn’t want to have her and was content with monogamy. BUT it does feel good to have a normal (silly and serious) conversation with her, like we’re at least partially restoring normalcy.
Other relationship news…well it’s like I told AG. Things will be fine (calm, happy, sexy, playful) for anywhere from a few hours to a few days. Then they won’t be. There will be angst-ridden discussions aplenty, etc. So, that’s difficult, but all to be expected as I imagine.
We see the therapist again this weekend. Did I start on my homework? Well actually yes. Am I going to get a second revision in before Saturday? Hell no. But at least I did the first draft. :-D
Ok that’s all I have time for today, what with all my puter fun. Wen, get some sleep and vitamin C!
Friday, May 05, 2006
how to screw yourself over
tip #4003 in an ongoing series:
1. go to the blog of The Person Who's Driving You Crazy (the same one that you'd decided to stop visiting).
2. in reading a post, realize that you have yet another thing in common/similarity. so, no *wonder* they're irresistable.
today, that thing happened to be a quiz, and i got the same result as her. and i can't tell you how many times that's happened to me, for her. that in yet another way, we are the same.
sigh.
on a somewhat more upbeat note, a series of miscommunications with min earlier today ended in a better place. i'm sorry that had to happen, but at least we worked it out. i guess that is the other ongoing series -- "learning to communicate". i hope that series has a happy ending.
and now that i've spent 10.25 hours demonstrating my incompetency at work (i'm not kidding. this has been a shit week for work), it's time to go home. and i get to prove my incompetency more tomorrow, too! w.o.o.
1. go to the blog of The Person Who's Driving You Crazy (the same one that you'd decided to stop visiting).
2. in reading a post, realize that you have yet another thing in common/similarity. so, no *wonder* they're irresistable.
today, that thing happened to be a quiz, and i got the same result as her. and i can't tell you how many times that's happened to me, for her. that in yet another way, we are the same.
sigh.
on a somewhat more upbeat note, a series of miscommunications with min earlier today ended in a better place. i'm sorry that had to happen, but at least we worked it out. i guess that is the other ongoing series -- "learning to communicate". i hope that series has a happy ending.
and now that i've spent 10.25 hours demonstrating my incompetency at work (i'm not kidding. this has been a shit week for work), it's time to go home. and i get to prove my incompetency more tomorrow, too! w.o.o.
i feel *
on tuesday of this week we saw the therapist finally. this was almost two weeks ahead of schedule. why? because the previous week, after i posted this (and yes, if you're playing at home, i really *was* suicidal. and yes, i've felt that way a lot this year), i decided to go home and talk to min.
i'd been crying off and on a lot of the week already. complicating matters was the fact that it was That Time for me, and i kept trying to attribute my extra emotionality to demonic hormones. but several conversations with min were just convincing me that i was fucked up. now mind you, she was not sitting there yelling, 'you're fucked up!'. no, she was just telling me how she felt about things, and i'd say how i felt about things, questions were asked, etc. and the end results were that i kept feeling like i was a complete fucking asshole for wanting what i did, AND that i wished more than anything that i could NOT feel the way i did. i wishedthat i could take this perverse desire for other women, to not be happy with solely min, and eradicate it from my brain.
and at the same time, thank you very much, part of me still wanted what i said in the first place: to have an open relationship with min, because despite everything she is still the woman i love most in this world, and have felt the most connection with. and yeah, then i'd want to be with AG too. wouldn't happen because she's not ok with open relationships, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it. thank god (hah), that she seems to have backed off from me, because it's making it easier to be mad at her. hopefully my being mad, not reading her blog anymore (thank you bloglines), eventually that means i'll stop wanting her, wanting to have any kind of interaction with her, too. it certainly has worked in the past. i hope it works soon.
ok sorry, tangent. anyway, so i went home to min and spilled the beans about how i was feeling. my supreme idiocy, despair, etc. she pushed me (us) to see the therapist sooner because she was (rightly) worried about me and made me promise not to hurt myself. although i didn't want to, i agreed. by saturday, we got an appointment with the therapist for tuesday afternoon. meantime we tried to not get too heavy with the convo, while we waited.
our therapist (i'll call her B) is in SF - a little hike. B was very nice, clear, and gave us a) some good feedback already and b) tips/tricks for trying to communicate difficult feelings/topics. we also got homework for next time (13th) which is to write down a list of a feelings we've had difficulty discussing. i feel * -- and i feel that this will be a difficult list to write.
we also formalized (wrote down and signed) 2 verbal agreement we'd already made, plus a new one. which were 1) to not do anything to harm ourselves without talking to each other and/or B; 2) to be completely honest with each other about everything; and (the new one) 3) to always express our feelings in a physically safe manner. this last one was borne out of the picture frame/glass-smashing incident, which for the record, i did not bring up. but once it came up, B wanted to talk about it for a good few minutes.
and this is why a therapist is great. because i didn't think through my *feelings* about that situation in gory detail, but B made me. and it was good to do that if for no other reason to recognize what they all were, and that they were valid. being unsafe is not ok. thus, the agreement. now, i didn't really think that min (or i) was going to start smashing everything in the house, but that's what agreements are for. so everyone knows the rules.
and now that we've formalized those rules, including that big one about honesty, i would think that even if you have some doubts about whether or not someone's being honest, because of the agreement, you're going to at least *outwardly* presume someone's being honest and proceed as if they are, until proven guilty. sounds reasonable right?
wrong. apparently what's reasonable is to act that way half the time, but spend the rest of the time asking questions in a jealous and/or suspicious manner. questions like, what are you doing on the computer? chatting with other girls? having an affair? or, are you still talking to AG? why not? don't you still want her? how does that affect how you feel about me? have you really told me everything about her? the others?
and of course these questions have to be asked more than once. also, i get that asking about The Other Woman is natural but do i really have to answer the same thing over and over? well duh, apparently i do. ok i'm stopping there because a) this is long enough and b) all those stupid scripts i've been waiting on just finished. anyway, meantime i'll ask my lurkers (and wen) to send some good thoughts over because this process, it feels like it's sucking my soul.
i'd been crying off and on a lot of the week already. complicating matters was the fact that it was That Time for me, and i kept trying to attribute my extra emotionality to demonic hormones. but several conversations with min were just convincing me that i was fucked up. now mind you, she was not sitting there yelling, 'you're fucked up!'. no, she was just telling me how she felt about things, and i'd say how i felt about things, questions were asked, etc. and the end results were that i kept feeling like i was a complete fucking asshole for wanting what i did, AND that i wished more than anything that i could NOT feel the way i did. i wishedthat i could take this perverse desire for other women, to not be happy with solely min, and eradicate it from my brain.
and at the same time, thank you very much, part of me still wanted what i said in the first place: to have an open relationship with min, because despite everything she is still the woman i love most in this world, and have felt the most connection with. and yeah, then i'd want to be with AG too. wouldn't happen because she's not ok with open relationships, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it. thank god (hah), that she seems to have backed off from me, because it's making it easier to be mad at her. hopefully my being mad, not reading her blog anymore (thank you bloglines), eventually that means i'll stop wanting her, wanting to have any kind of interaction with her, too. it certainly has worked in the past. i hope it works soon.
ok sorry, tangent. anyway, so i went home to min and spilled the beans about how i was feeling. my supreme idiocy, despair, etc. she pushed me (us) to see the therapist sooner because she was (rightly) worried about me and made me promise not to hurt myself. although i didn't want to, i agreed. by saturday, we got an appointment with the therapist for tuesday afternoon. meantime we tried to not get too heavy with the convo, while we waited.
our therapist (i'll call her B) is in SF - a little hike. B was very nice, clear, and gave us a) some good feedback already and b) tips/tricks for trying to communicate difficult feelings/topics. we also got homework for next time (13th) which is to write down a list of a feelings we've had difficulty discussing. i feel * -- and i feel that this will be a difficult list to write.
we also formalized (wrote down and signed) 2 verbal agreement we'd already made, plus a new one. which were 1) to not do anything to harm ourselves without talking to each other and/or B; 2) to be completely honest with each other about everything; and (the new one) 3) to always express our feelings in a physically safe manner. this last one was borne out of the picture frame/glass-smashing incident, which for the record, i did not bring up. but once it came up, B wanted to talk about it for a good few minutes.
and this is why a therapist is great. because i didn't think through my *feelings* about that situation in gory detail, but B made me. and it was good to do that if for no other reason to recognize what they all were, and that they were valid. being unsafe is not ok. thus, the agreement. now, i didn't really think that min (or i) was going to start smashing everything in the house, but that's what agreements are for. so everyone knows the rules.
and now that we've formalized those rules, including that big one about honesty, i would think that even if you have some doubts about whether or not someone's being honest, because of the agreement, you're going to at least *outwardly* presume someone's being honest and proceed as if they are, until proven guilty. sounds reasonable right?
wrong. apparently what's reasonable is to act that way half the time, but spend the rest of the time asking questions in a jealous and/or suspicious manner. questions like, what are you doing on the computer? chatting with other girls? having an affair? or, are you still talking to AG? why not? don't you still want her? how does that affect how you feel about me? have you really told me everything about her? the others?
and of course these questions have to be asked more than once. also, i get that asking about The Other Woman is natural but do i really have to answer the same thing over and over? well duh, apparently i do. ok i'm stopping there because a) this is long enough and b) all those stupid scripts i've been waiting on just finished. anyway, meantime i'll ask my lurkers (and wen) to send some good thoughts over because this process, it feels like it's sucking my soul.
5 for fighting
well i had a very long day at work but for some reason i can't go to sleep yet. so here's my go round, exciting as it is.
5 nicknames you have or had
zoopers
bunny
queen(ie)
shazam
bubbles
5 sweet treats you like to eat
anything ghirardelli
ice cream
sonoma chicken's hockey puck
i'm gonna bend the rules to include "drink" and make my last 2: toffee crack and turtle blasts
5 things people would be surprised you have
- a gift for saying the wrong thing
- a penchant for bubble gum music (is it wrong to know the words to kelly clarkson songs?)
- 9 surgical scars
- 10 active email addresses
- perfect pitch (musical)
5 fabulous celebrations
- my commitment ceremony to min. we had so many friends who came together for us, it really was a celebration. followed by:
- our honeymoon down in socal. disneyland, the beach, and a week of romance.
- maybe 5 years ago, had an extra super fun christmas at my parents (when they still had a house). lots of games, good foods and of course, presents.
- the "funeral" for my paternal grandparents. we took both their ashes to lover's point in pacific grove, talked about them, had a picnic, and just reveled in the day and in memories. so, andrea, i get it. :-)
ok that's only 4 but i don't get out much.
5 things you'd like to have
- an off switch for my brain
- *monogamous contentment (with min) and on a similar note:
- *to be rid of my AG fixation
- min to be healthy (and happy)
- a night where i don't get grilled for things i didn't do (ok, that doesn't happen ALL the time, but it's happening a lot lately)
* and yes, i also spend a lot of time NOT wanting those things (e.g., happy to be poly and with AG)
5 cool presents you've received
- a drawing pad, cool pencils and a calvin&hobbes book (when i used to draw voraciously)
- trips to the ocean (several)
- leather jacket
- $1000 just because i rocked
- love
5 things you've collected
books
medical receipts
rubber stamps (used to)
bug fu awards
dust
no really that's it. i'm not a collector.
5 books you've read in the past 5 years
state of fear, crichton (JUST finished)
the da vinci legacy, perdue
deception point, brown
dancing barefoot, wheaton
manifesta, baumgardner/richards
5 slang terms you use regularly
dude
yo
i'm going to include acronyms because those get MAJOR mileage:
wtf
jas
STFU
A multiple of 5 people you'd like to tap for this
i don't know if all these folks still visit (regularly), but:
min
liz
snowflake
mr. brady
vivo
5 nicknames you have or had
zoopers
bunny
queen(ie)
shazam
bubbles
5 sweet treats you like to eat
anything ghirardelli
ice cream
sonoma chicken's hockey puck
i'm gonna bend the rules to include "drink" and make my last 2: toffee crack and turtle blasts
5 things people would be surprised you have
- a gift for saying the wrong thing
- a penchant for bubble gum music (is it wrong to know the words to kelly clarkson songs?)
- 9 surgical scars
- 10 active email addresses
- perfect pitch (musical)
5 fabulous celebrations
- my commitment ceremony to min. we had so many friends who came together for us, it really was a celebration. followed by:
- our honeymoon down in socal. disneyland, the beach, and a week of romance.
- maybe 5 years ago, had an extra super fun christmas at my parents (when they still had a house). lots of games, good foods and of course, presents.
- the "funeral" for my paternal grandparents. we took both their ashes to lover's point in pacific grove, talked about them, had a picnic, and just reveled in the day and in memories. so, andrea, i get it. :-)
ok that's only 4 but i don't get out much.
5 things you'd like to have
- an off switch for my brain
- *monogamous contentment (with min) and on a similar note:
- *to be rid of my AG fixation
- min to be healthy (and happy)
- a night where i don't get grilled for things i didn't do (ok, that doesn't happen ALL the time, but it's happening a lot lately)
* and yes, i also spend a lot of time NOT wanting those things (e.g., happy to be poly and with AG)
5 cool presents you've received
- a drawing pad, cool pencils and a calvin&hobbes book (when i used to draw voraciously)
- trips to the ocean (several)
- leather jacket
- $1000 just because i rocked
- love
5 things you've collected
books
medical receipts
rubber stamps (used to)
bug fu awards
dust
no really that's it. i'm not a collector.
5 books you've read in the past 5 years
state of fear, crichton (JUST finished)
the da vinci legacy, perdue
deception point, brown
dancing barefoot, wheaton
manifesta, baumgardner/richards
5 slang terms you use regularly
dude
yo
i'm going to include acronyms because those get MAJOR mileage:
wtf
jas
STFU
A multiple of 5 people you'd like to tap for this
i don't know if all these folks still visit (regularly), but:
min
liz
snowflake
mr. brady
vivo
Thursday, May 04, 2006
it has been a rough week or so
and to those of you tagging me for a meme (the lovelies wen, cheddah and (i think) andrea), i will try to reply soon. right now i'm just trying to keep it together. thanks for wanting to hear from me. :-)
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