Thursday, April 27, 2006

a tale told by an idiot

i know i like everyone to think otherwise, but i am an idiot. do not be fooled by my witty dialogue. do not be fooled by my diverse educational background or my beautiful bug fu awards.

because when it comes to what's important in life, i am an idiot. i don't know what i'm doing and should not be trusted with the emotional well being of others, to say nothing of my own. sure, at one point i thought perhaps i knew what i was doing. but i was very, very wrong.

in other words, things are not that great right now. there has been no new drama per se, just conversations crystallizing this fact for me. i hope that someday things will be better, but given my supreme ability to fuck things up, i doubt it. i don't trust myself to make a sound decision, want the right things, or keep my mouth shut about it if i don't want the right things.

i have to leave work early today because it's my last day in this half-assed cube. i'm going to miss this little half-assed cube if for no other reason than it's Not Across From My Boss. and - issues with my current boss aside - it's never low pressure sitting across from your boss. i guess, unless you're sleeping with your boss. or if you're your own boss. but neither of these things are the case today. anyway, i'm hoping that going home, not thinking about work for a while, maybe walking the dog or something, will help me clear my head.

then again all those things are just another venue for my idiocy.

1 comment:

wen said...

hey co-queen...big hugs.

drop me some e-mail if you want to chat. this is all one of those fine "learning experiences" i'm sure LOL.

seriously, though, one thing ki used to say to me was that the important thing is to learn from whatever situation you're in. and she's right.

even if you don't like what you learn ("gee, i'm not so emotionally mature sometimes!"), or it's hard or horrible, the first step to making changes is realizing what the heck is going on. the second is learning from whatever it is.

that said, i bet you're not even 1/2 the idiot you are giving yourself credit for being.

take a deep breath (woooo woooo in with the good air LOL) and bring yourself back to the present. the right now. the "i'm sitting in my crappy cube" place. ;)

just because you may have made poor decisions in the past, or because you're not sure how to proceed, that doesn't mean anything is wrong with you *in this minute*--sorry to get all buddhist on your butt, but it's a very helpful paradigm for me, so i thought i'd do my best to impose it on you, perhaps even against your will. ;)

also keep in mind that we are all doing the best we can--if we could do better, we would. that includes you. so give yourself a break. be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend. beating yourself up isn't going to effect change, it'll just make you feel crummy and ashamed or (insert other icky feeling).

regardless, you have friends who care.