toe-tingling action

i just spent almost 2 hours roller skating. again. woo!

i also have "boogie nights" looping in my head. as i start feeling sleepy it starts over again, almost like it's trying to scare me. BOOgie nights!

i'm exhausted but happily so because i had fun. but part of me also feels a little sad because i'm remembering the conversations i've had lately regarding hockey. and for the record those are connected because there's something called roller hockey, in case you ice fiends didn't know. ;-)

why would thinking about hockey make me feel sad? because i can't do it. and how do i know that? because a year and a half ago, i tried at one of the infamous GHATD sessions.

i never blogged about it because i was so goddamn upset over how it went down. you have no idea how much i wanted to play. even though i couldn't (can't) really ice skate, i was supremely motivated because i realized it would be a fabulous way for me to a) make friends and b) lose weight.

granted i've worked out the weight part another way. but the friends thing, that's tough. i'm not really that good at it (in general) and even worse, i'm picky. i need friends who are interesting, funny, smart, or some combination thereof. try as i might, i just can't be tight with people who are all about getting drunk and hollering. not that i don't enjoy drinking or hollering on occasion, but as a career it's not my deal.

back to hockey. so the short version of What Went Wrong is that i have a hidden disability (ick), if you will, that among other things, makes it extremely difficult for me to regulate my temperature, especially the heat. this is partially due to several surgeries for this condition, resulting in partial lymph node removals. anyway. a good 10 minutes after i finally made it onto the ice, i knew i was in trouble. because the gear was snugly covering up a good 75% of me, my heat index was going off the charts.

i can be very stubborn when i want. so i kept at it, hoping it would pass, that i was just sweating profusely because i was getting my bearings. after another 10 minutes, i had to call it and skate away, because i couldn't see. an unstoppable river was pouring off my head and into my eyes, and after 20 minutes of that, i blurrily - and angrily - made my way back to the bench and started taking off the gear. of course i immediately started feeling better, once my skin could breathe, but i was crabby beyond belief. i was glad i didn't really know anyone at that point (liz and andrea had left) because i wouldn't have been good company.

later i talked with liz about gear alternatives, but i could tell that basically, nothing was going to work for me. that kind of (skin) confined sportsmanship is just not for me. far as i can tell, that also relates to roller hockey, which my sister suggested the other day. i looked into the gear some...it would probably be a *little* better, but not much.

and i hate that. i hate that there is something about my body that's preventing me from doing what i want. what i know that i could otherwise do. i think that with experience i'd have become an awesome hockey player. but i'll never get to find out what that's like, and that sucks.

</rant >
as much as i hate this, there are such worse things i could have in my life, and i know it. for starters, at least i have use of all my limbs, so i can get out there like i did tonight. oh and, my skin condition is SO much better than it used to be. 90% of the time my only awareness of it is a daily medication, and believe me i'm incessantly grateful for that. but i guess, i finally felt ready to write about all this, so i went for it.

and really, i'll try to make my next post about last weekend and the fun i had. been too busy at work!