stranger than fiction

that is the name of the movie i just saw. with the oh so divine emma thompson. i have loved her for a long time, but my god. i forget how much until i see her again. they can try to make her look rough - no makeup, baggy clothes, unkempt hair - but she's still beautiful beautiful. with the most delectable accent.

i chose this movie over babel because i felt i needed a comedy. and indeed, stranger than fiction is a comedy. starring buster! but it is also decidedly dramatic and thought-provoking.

without giving away the story, i'll say the movie is about emma thompson and will ferrell's characters' struggle with life. how we humans affect each other, our decision making. fate is a nice idea, but we're really rather interconnected when it comes to our choices.

i was walking to my car afterwards and thinking, this movie makes me want to be a writer. a real (fiction) writer. makes me want to embrace passion, whatever my passion is. admittedly i can be fuzzy on that, but anyway i'm feeling energized, and then i hear this guy behind me, talking about how the movie was ok but not really great, too predictable, etc.

i thought, dude, you've missed the point. if you just look at the surface, then yes, it may seem flat. but really it was about the decisions we make, why we make them and what kind of person do we want to be.

and so as i was driving home i thought, what kind of person DO i want to be? am i being that person now? and i thought about the ways that i have been different since min left. she's been gone a little over a month now and some differences that come to mind are:

- i weigh a little less (hey, start with the easy)
- i'm wearing/have bought slightly nicer - and edgier - clothes
- i hate work more now
- i've been more depressed, especially the last 2 weeks
- i'm listening to more jazz and classical. i tend to listen to bluesy jazz when i'm depressed or pensive, and classical when i'm feeling brainy...or pensive. for instance on the way home tonight. :-p
- i've been far more interested in gallavanting, and have gallavanted, in new ways

i would imagine those are the main things but that's actually quite a list for only a few weeks. in any case, especially in light of the movie, it makes me think perhaps i really do have a serious change brewing. granted i've been job hunting, and toying with the idea of moving (out of state) but those are all huge puffy clouds of possibility. i have no idea how things will actually go, what kind of job i will transition to, whether a move will be required, and so on.

but i confess, i love the idea of a huge change. i think i need it, in more ways than one. i'm sure to some degree i love it because i have so many things i want to escape, to start fresh with, to retry. things that are difficult to do when you're in your Usual.

i'm flashing now to how i was with my ex, in tennessee, reserved in public. and then later, when i was with min, in montana, and how incredibly open i was. naturally i could've been that open in tennessee. nothing stopped me...except myself. i felt like i was one person there, and got to be a new person in the new place. and i was. people say you can't run away from yourself and i buy that to some degree. but you can take a moment to redefine yourself, because you realize you NEED to change, and then be that person from then on.

and that's what i did. so i can do it again. i guess the question is, what do i want, feel i need, to change?

i have several ideas on that but burning tonight is the movie's reminder of why i love writing: the power of words, the power of creativity. i need to let more of that out, and more often. i've always felt like i have these stories inside of me but can't get them out. i sense them there, under the surface, taunting me. although i don't know how i'll let them out yet, i look forward to their arrival. someday.