so i've been thinking

i know i'm amusing from time to time, but as you well know, those times are quite rare. that is, if you're looking for amusement here. because if you look, say here, i believe you will find amusement on a weekly if not daily basis.

that's the first time i've looked at that page. it points out i am a fan of muppets, bacon and sleep. and if that's not amusement from the get-go, i don't know what is.

i promise this is the last time i'll pimp FB. suffice to say i hope any remaining followers will join me over there, because i have been thinking about calling my spade a grave-digging tool, and getting rid of this thing. but then i thought hey! it's nice to be able to wax on if i get a hankerin'. keeping in mind that i seem to hanker less and less these days...

oh and before i forget: any of you who have Blogger-based blogs, i'm sorry i haven't been commenting. the firewall at work does NOT play nice with their system. i can read, and post, but not comment. ridiculous but it's just the sort of corporate efficiency i've come to expect.

on that note, i got a minor promotion at work. which means i'll be ignoring you with a greater level of efficiency and entitlement, going forward. all hail the Slacker Queen, who still loves nuts on her desktop:

RAWR

another meaningless, yet fairly insightful, quiz for me to pretend i'm offering content to you on a regular basis:

You Are a Snow Leopard

You have learned that you must rely on yourself, and yourself alone, to live a happy life. You are understand the world better than most people you know. You are very perceptive and intuitive. You need lots of space to think. If you don't get the space you need, you're likely to bite someone's head off. Because you are so thoughtful and solitary, people find you to be intense and mysterious. You're even seen as intimidating.

What Big Cat Are You?

btw the up and coming news i alluded to last time? not happening. sorry, folks. but there is always tomorrow...

um...howdy!

yeah so i've been neglecting you. would you believe me if i said i'm sorry? how about if i said i'm sorry plus made this face to represent my shame?

3 weeks without a post! i'm sure i've gone longer, but there's just no excuse, really. i mean, it's not like i've been doing any of these things:

so really, other than the usual yawn-worthy excuses of mind-numbing work and the necessities of modern life, i have no answer for why i have failed you so desperately in supplying entertainment, particularly in the arena that is the web log, or "blog", if you will. no excuse at all.

unless, of course, you are willing to consider the notion that something big is around the corner. something exciting. something that literally could turn your mind to this:

is such a thing coming? is it possible? do i - do we - dare to dream of such a day?

time will tell. but don't believe everything you hear. time also can fly, but only under the right conditions.

you have been warned.

59 is fine

last year i read 59 books. if you want to know what i *thought* of those books in detail, then you should add me as a friend on goodreads. but suffice to say, some of them were excellent and others, not.

that averages out to a little more than 1 a week. that much reading sounds like a good excuse for my not writing, but the truth is i wrote GOBS in 2008 -- i just wrote erratically. and while i know i love books, seeing those stats kind of surprised me, made me wonder if i should slow down. really carve out more time for writing. but then i know the right answer for that...

on that note, yesterday i finished this. it is a very funny book, but it could've been so much better. the idea of doing that - writing something funnier - really appeals to me. or if i'm going to start now, a-peel-s to me. it also reminds me of something i read recently in a writer's block article (which counts as procrastinating and being productive at the same time). the writer said:

if your publisher said they could only publish 1 book, what book would you write?

naturally this assumes you are still crippled by writer's block and have not started, or at least finished, said book. also this assumes you have a publisher.

i must've been hormonal at the time, because i answered: either a book about my upbringing, or obsession. given my history, there's some overlap there, but suffice to say, those are things i've already given a lot of attention, writing-wise. but today, after being disappointed in (but still enjoying) FRC, and then some *usual* facebook silliness, i had a revelation. i am very, very silly. witty, even, on a fairly regular basis. OMG I SHUD B FUNI RITER.

now, i get how hard it is to be funny. the truth is, if you're trying to get people to laugh, it's much harder work than getting them to cry or feel sad with some sort of dramatic fiasco. this is just a guess because i'm (chicken) winging it, but it occurs to me that maybe this is tied to the whole 'it's easier to remember bad stuff than the good' mentality. somehow we can access those feelings much quicker - some of us can - and so moving from that semi-default, semi-serious place to laughter is just...trickier. it requires more leaps for our brain.

then again maybe this is just a great excuse for all the failed comedy writing out there.

at any rate, attacking humor instead of drama is also a great excuse for avoiding the stories i've started over the last 12 months, and starting something new instead. where i go from here is a big fat mystery, since humor is both nowhere and everywhere.

speaking of everywhere, here is just one of the random ideas that popped in, thanks to one of the many lists i'm on. there was a request for a Jogging Stroller. immediately i thought:

wanted: Jogging Stroller, Running Refrigerator, and Sauntering Microwave

there's so many places you could go with something like this. and that's the point. these are the kind of things that run through my brain ALL the time, and i think it's about time i started making better use of my humor-related ADD.

hey there!

yes i know my blogging efforts are pathetic.
i may blog more tomorrow - i may actually have time.
then again, we're going bowling.
meantime, happy holidays. :)

i wish i could pull off orange

because i would so get this:

if this amuses you in any way, shape or form, go check out the main site. they have tons of awesome shirts, and if it were spring (no long sleeves, boo) i would so be droppin some cash there right now.

because i want to be +1 for tomorrow

please enjoy this fine resource, which helped me drool over this:

well i could swear

that i'd written about my dad's obsession with coins, but my search = null. i did finally find something about stamp obsession (i suggest you search in there, if you really want to know more) but suffice to say, some of that same bidness has returned. this time it's about coins -- ancient ones -- which, along with stamps and books, he's collected for years.

sounds pretty boring, doesn't it? i like history a smidge, so i do find discussions on these topics somewhat interesting, but what i really find tedious is spending GOBS of scrilla to the point that you risk losing your home. again.

in short, the last two weeks has involved way too many conversations with my mom about mysterious p@ypal charges. and i had written a whole post about it yesterday, but last night i got an email from my dad, and i realized that my reply to him would make for better reading. so here you go.

Hey Dad,

Thanks for emailing me. Before anything else, I want to let you know I love you, and I always will.

The other thing I have to say right away is that I find it ironic you preferred to talk via email--ironic because that's often easier for me as well, when discussing something that may be difficult. I know we'll talk soon on the phone or in person, but I agree this is a good place to start.

Thanks also for saying you want me to 'let it all out' and want some open, honest communication. Plenty of things have been running through my head the last couple weeks, but here's what I want to say for now.

1. I know you feel a sense of duty -- and indeed, some legal/financial responsibility -- to the eb@y auctions you either currently or expect to owe payments on. But you do not "need" to pay for these items. What you need to do is contact these sellers and tell them you are sorry, but you do not have the funds to pay for these items and must withdraw. There is a lot of info here but suffice to say, even under the 12 hour timeframe, eb@y still gives the option to withdraw at any time.

The bottom line is this: there is no more money. Unless you have a hidden bank account somewhere, your only option is to work with these sellers to withdraw from every remaining auction -- closed or open.

2. You said: "I thought I could handle closing this on my own but you must have thought otherwise."
I thought so too. But over the last several weeks, you have repeatedly changed your story about a) how many auctions were left and b) how much the total cost might be. I remember hearing totals of $40...$190...but the fact is that, over the last month, you have spent almost $669 on eb@y or coin-related websites, most of that in the last two weeks.

Since I have taken action to freeze your P@yPal account -- which is tied to my secondary bank account -- and began the process of closing that bank account, there *should* be no additional charges. As far as 'overages' -- there was a non-sufficient funds fee earlier this week due to all this, which would put the damage at $701. Hopefully that will be the final tally.

Incidentally, all but 1 of these charges are after your first apology, your first promise to me in the middle of last month, that you would not 'break my trust' by *further* spending inappropriately and draining my bank account. Since then, there have been 2 additional apologies...

3. I am a bit puzzled by your request that I will be kind to mom. I don't think I've ever given any indication of being unkind, and certainly actions by you would not make me be unkind to her. I would hope it wouldn't make me unkind to you either -- anger has a purpose, and I have every right to be angry, as does mom.

Since this is not the first time our family has had to deal with your impulse control problem, I think --honestly-- you're lucky that we're being this mellow. I could have easily called and yelled at you, demanded to have passwords to your accounts, tried to cajole some kind of commitment out of you...but really all that would result in is more drama. At this point, calm, loving but firm actions are the best option.

With that in mind, I hope that we all can be kind, honest and respectful with each other as things get sorted. You're my father, and as Amber said (essentially) earlier this week, I'll never escape the love, the relationship that I have with you. The only thing that may change is the shape of that relationship. I know Min loves you as well, and both of us are open to working toward that honest, respectful relationship--but it is a good faith act. We are assuming you will also be completely honest, and respectful, with everyone in our family. Historically speaking, those have not been strong points for you when it comes to anything financial. I suppose that leads me to the last point:

4. As soon as the dust settles from the current financial crisis, I am washing my hands of any role in the finances between you and mom. The main step toward that is cancelling the bank account. At one point you threw out the idea of me being a go-between, running potential purchases past me...I don't want that responsibility or stress. You know how much money you and mom get each month; it's up to you to responsibly decide how that money is allocated.

It's also up to you to abide by whatever decisions are made. From what I gather, this point in particular has been a big problem. I'm not privy to any prior arrangements made with mom, and I don't want to know, either. The key thing is that if you know you're having trouble abiding by those agreements, you need to say something. You need to get help right away, before you risk homelessness, as you did this month. God was clearly looking out for you by providing that stimulus check this month -- I couldn't have bailed you out. As it is, you will have an extremely difficult month ahead with what little cash is left.

At any rate, to prevent things like this from happening in the future, a better process, and possibly some kind of supplemental help for you, needs to be identified. I don't know why you are still having problems with this, but it seems like it would be a good idea to get that sorted. I don't mind talking about any of that with you -- save the financial stuff, which should stay between you and mom.

I think that is enough for now. I know we will talk soon, likely this weekend.
Love to both of you,
Heather

oh and for perspective on the $...my dad only makes a little over $700/month. so, $701 is kind of a big deal.

ps. the bank account was mine, but the money was all theirs. no $ was stolen from me.

pretty-random

craziness at work makes for a dull blog, and very little creative writing, which makes me a sad monkey. but in the interests of giving YOU fodder, here's a couple highlights from the last week:

• get thee to a punnery
  
• post-rapture help and - my favorite - letters and advice on procuring a post-rapture bible
  
• how to make your AA woman happy
  
• and finally, a new story-related picture:
  
  

is this for the story i'm over 16,000 words into? of course not.

don't you tell me what's nessa! i tell YOU what's nessa!

that's the end of a line not fully quoted here, but my parents, sister and i have quoted that line probably a billion times, because this:

(other than this--what a dramatic sidebar!), was THE most-watched movie of my youth, hands down. and why am i telling you? because today is madeline kahn appreciation day and as far as i'm concerned, she is the queen of comedy, which means you all should take a moment to appreciate her genius.

and incidentally, thanks to youtube, apparently you can appreciate it from your computer. these kids, with the technology! i'm just tickled at all this newfangledness.

i could prattle on about how much this movie shaped my warped sense of humor and thus, my entire life. but you'll be bored, and i will too. just go enjoy the linkage i've already provided, and then you will also say:

HOORAY FOR MADELINE KAHN APPRECIATION DAY!

ok enough with the work, people

since i'm over the 10,000 word mark, i'm trying to keep writing and these oodles of work tickets are not helping. neither is packrat, now that liz has shown me the folly of my former ways. damn you, internets!!

choose your own fairy tale adventure

my version had King Charles the Superfluous. fun way to kill 5 minutes and (at least for me) walk down memory lane. i *adored* those books.

going to the salon is so old school

are you tired of having to explain what you *really* want to your hairdresser or barber? not to mention, shelling out for that haircut several times a year? well, thanks to this morning's internet, i offer you a possible solution:

THE FLOWBEE



as a bonus, apparently in your post-haircut bliss, you will get to see a vacuum hose and what looks like a giant flashlight fight to the death:



haircut clean up is only a suction away. please, act now, or else i will flowbee you a second time.

adventures in gmail advertising

while deleting in the spam folder:

Creamy Spam Broccoli Casserole - Makes 8 servings

enjoy!

for me loyal scallywags

happy talk like a pirate day!

and to those of you with kids, i offer this unexpected treasure from my inbox this morning. i mean, really...a chance to indoctrinate your younglings from the getgo? pretty hard to resist, i'd think.

plus, if you've ever wanted a badass name for your vehicle, the generator will set you up. for the record, i now drive "The Barbaric Cream Puff".

for a good time, call 1-800-BEAMEUP

from an email list's event announcement:

If you show up, you will be abducted.

This is the kind of ROI I can get behind.

get on the bus

apparently this is not new, however a blog i read posted about it today:

and this tickles me in a way that, if loretta tickled me, i'd say..oh yeah. that's niiice.

i also am really enjoying the offer to bundle it with a purchase of the electric company. zoooom!

blogging in the shower

it can happen, folks. at least in your head. which is why:

58%How Addicted to Blogging Are You?
and now i really *must* get to work...which for the record, has kept me so busy lately that i barely have time to breathe.

while not the wittiest thing ever

you have to love a thread that makes you say this:

I'm sorry, I don't understand. I only know how to sacrifice the ultimate goal of letting things grow in.

people, they are very special sometimes.

and on a related (internet) note, today liz and i stumbled into a very geeky, very FlagSelfAmusementEnabled situation. we were on our way back from caffienieing and discussing Ye Olde Internet. the unix-based kind, where TALKing and fingering (hottt!) people was commonplace. we decided that after we got back to our desk, trying to TALK could be very entertaining.

i know, geeks.

well, there is no TALK. daemonpunkass sez no. but i found out there is a happy medium between that and mail: write. write works like an instant message. pops up on your screen (twice actually, once with an EOF, then later the actual message), then you can reply.

anyway, let's just say, there was a lot of write-ing going on. and the giggling, holy crap.

laugh at me. us. i don't care. it was stupid fun and if i am pro anything, it is stupid fun. i really don't think there can be enough of that in a workday. well, at least until the time i say it's time to stop because i really really have to work now. and yes, if i continue anyway, you are to pretend the previous statement was never uttered.

speaking of publishing

apparently i felt the need to write another post today. i've been having fun here this evening. yes, i am embracing my inner librarian.

honestly the most time consuming part this evening was gathering my random links and lists of books that i want but do not yet own. incidentally, many of these were discovered on my recent trip to boston, when i was a little short in the scrilla department. so what'd i do? in a perfect blend of literary and technical nerdiness, i took pictures of them with my phone. insta-list!

and yes i've also heard about librarything, but they have a 200 book limit before you have to shell out. goodreads - free. i like free. anyway if you are an avid reader and like to share your reviews/see what your friends like, check it out! and add me, of course. :-D