the perfect gift

the other day, as i was doing research on my newest story, the internet brought me the perfect gift:

this is from my (onetime) hometown newspaper, the coquille valley sentinel. in case you're wondering, that's pronounced Ko-Keel (internets gave me that, too). other highlights from this page include "Family Goes North" and "Cookie Press Used" and a disney ad for the movie Castaways. good times!

and yes yes, i uploaded these but copyright to all the peoples said inside the master image above.

faith will play a huge role in the story. though i may not have given my religious past a lot of lip service, believe you me -- it is there in spades. as such, i've got a new picture for ya:

and as further proof, yesterday i put this song in my head, reminiscing about rocking out in the car. told you i used to roll for the big kahuna.

3 weeks without a post

thanks to work and its unholy love of eye-numbing, scope-creeped css projects. so yeah, i'm alive, and i love you, but it'll probably be another week before i start being able to breathe. i had a whole day without the little monster (yesterday) but now it's back. thanks, yo.

i want to hear from you lurkers. what are you doing? why aren't i hearing about it on your blogs? if *i* can post at least once a month, so can you. consider yourself on notice!

in other news, all this work is distorting my passion for writing. any of you writers out there -- have you ever gotten wonderful feedback+praise on a piece, only to feel completely pessimistic about continuing work on said piece? that's exactly what happened to me saturday afternoon, a few hours after my writer's group. my 1st thought was, wtf? i haven't had time for many 2nd thoughts because i haven't had time to fictionalize much (see above). i am sure it's just some of that legendary neurotic writer business but still -- annoying.

finally, i want to thank longbottom for creating an iced german chocolate mocha. it is second only to the butterfingery mocha goodness in cambria and no, i don't yearn for that on a regular basis.

put ham on 5 and hold the...

Mayonnaise

You tend to be a very quiet, introverted person. You're happy to sit back and let stronger personalities shine. You value loyalty and harmony. You try to bring people together. Your taste in food leans toward simple comfort foods. You love holiday meals as well as old school favorites like mac and cheese. You get along with mustard and ketchup personalities. You have an unlikely alliance with hot sauce personalities.

What Condiment Are You?

yes it's been a very, very long time since i've posted a quiz, and in belated honor of one of our more picnic-happy holidays (you know, the red-white-and-blue one last friday), i thought this condiment quiz was appropriate. i saw some of the options ahead of time, and for some reason, i knew i would be mayo...

speaking of red, i showed my patriotism sunday by turning my left hand (and part of my stomach) extraordinarily rosy when i poured boiling water over them. for any non-american readers, no, this is not a traditional celebration. i was trying to make tea, and in a freak tupperware accident, well, you can guess the rest. i promptly got it under cold water (and several times), so actually it's just mildly sensitive/pink today. only my pinkie finger is crabby to type, but thankfully there's little cause for q and z.

p.s. anyone who gets the movie quote in this post: i love you to infinity

on being nice

yesterday i was in a meeting that traditionally begins by asking if anyone in the group has "opens" or open issues they need to discuss. naturally these opens are usually a problem of some sort.

p.s. i hate the term opens.

anyway, a coworker of mine says yes, she has one, and proceeds to praise me for the next 90 seconds or so. there was a huge, mind-numbing project that got split between 4 teammates and, long story short, i ended up doing approximately 80% of the project instead of my original 25%. i volunteered for that, because as i've mentioned before, my nemesis is boredom. and being me, i did that work very, very quickly. to be honest i don't really think much of that--that's just how i roll.

but because my friend a) made her declaration during a time normally tasked to problems and b) is very genuine AND effusive, this rubbed some of the 15-odd attendees the wrong way. over the next hour, several folks made snark. if person A mentioned that person B helped them with something, person C would go, 'hey, i want to hear more about how person B helped you. can you talk more about that?'

and so on. i also got called out 2 more times for various work-related proficiency by different people, and at the end of the meeting, when there are "closing opens", i was greeted with "yes, i would like to point out that heather has a really cool tshirt".

haha. after having to explain the shirt (...), i said, ok, no one gets to talk about me for a month.

because i knew that all this attention meant i was going to get teased, and not necessarily in a nice way. it's happened three times already, and each time there's this undercurrent of:

- who the hell are you anyway?
- you're so quiet--you *can't* be working as hard as *i* am
- why is nobody praising to me?

i don't mind recognition -- i am a leo, mind you -- but this left a bad taste in my mouth. and to be honest, i feel worse for my coworker. she has a sort of irrepressible but levelheaded enthusiasm that is refreshing in the workplace (perhaps i'll nickname her Sprite, or Long Island Iced Tea). she's also a little older and hopefully in this case, wise enough to withstand some mockery.

of course the saddest part is the people who felt they had to make fun of a very nice person. insecurity issues, anyone?

so much for progress

since my last post, work has been bananas, and not the tasty kind, either. i have had absolutely no time to write, until this morning when a couple of servers went down. they *just* went back up, so i expect to be grinding away the rest of the day and next week. yeehaw.

meantime, in case you didn't see this all over the bloody internet the last week, there is a fabulous fun little toy out there called wordle. you take any text you want (i saw bible samples just now) and play with the words in a pretty little word cloud. for writers, it's a great way to see what you're really focusing on--in case you didn't know--and possibly, suggestions for a thesaurus.

for me, it's a way to share the stories i've been writing, but not give away too much other than potential themes. in other words, it's a way to be lazy with my blog content. so here you go.

a few words on words

remember how i sort of mentioned i've started a new story? at that point, i'd written 292 words. i've been so busy, it's been hard to get out much else until yesterday, when things seemed to have slowed a bit. and between now and then i've written another 2397 words, putting me at 2689 words in around 6 hours.

that may not sound like a lot, but considering the snail's pace of my other book, this is lightning fast. it helps that i don't have to research much; i am borrowing history from several people i know, but mostly pilfering my own life to come up with a sordid bit of fiction. and yes i'm changing tons of details, protecting the not so innocent.

another oddity, for me, is stumbling into using first person instead of third (i did vs. heather did), and wow...first person is powerful, when you're talking about something painful. the emotional weight of one scene made me a little nauseous; i had to stop a couple times. i suppose that bodes well for it grabbing a reader's interest...

meantime i'm dredging up memories (mine and borrowed), and it's making me feel weird about the next time i see my parents. min says, maybe this is your way of dealing with some of your past. maybe it is. i can tell it's good to do so, but damn is it intense.

pretty-random

craziness at work makes for a dull blog, and very little creative writing, which makes me a sad monkey. but in the interests of giving YOU fodder, here's a couple highlights from the last week:

• get thee to a punnery
  
• post-rapture help and - my favorite - letters and advice on procuring a post-rapture bible
  
• how to make your AA woman happy
  
• and finally, a new story-related picture:
  
  

is this for the story i'm over 16,000 words into? of course not.

just a little prick

as promised, here is where you can find my little ficlets for june. i have two bits published, 'History Lesson' and 'Southern Discomfort'.

incidentally, 'History Lesson' was inspired after seeing some old, creepy, and strangely beautiful photographs. check it out if you like, but warning, it involves photos of the deceased.

tip: mascara and jesus don't mix

unless you were tammy faye b@kker, who was so obviously *not* catholic. since i have to get to work, i'll let you work out the snark in your own head, courtesy of this lovely bit of papism.

don't you tell me what's nessa! i tell YOU what's nessa!

that's the end of a line not fully quoted here, but my parents, sister and i have quoted that line probably a billion times, because this:

(other than this--what a dramatic sidebar!), was THE most-watched movie of my youth, hands down. and why am i telling you? because today is madeline kahn appreciation day and as far as i'm concerned, she is the queen of comedy, which means you all should take a moment to appreciate her genius.

and incidentally, thanks to youtube, apparently you can appreciate it from your computer. these kids, with the technology! i'm just tickled at all this newfangledness.

i could prattle on about how much this movie shaped my warped sense of humor and thus, my entire life. but you'll be bored, and i will too. just go enjoy the linkage i've already provided, and then you will also say:

HOORAY FOR MADELINE KAHN APPRECIATION DAY!

if i knew what you were saying, i'm sure i'd be offended

today the internets led me here. i forget who spurred my clickage, but i know they got me with this:

which i suppose is a testament to the power of words. after laughing, i realized this is incredibly offensive. and no i don't mean, how dare the government have secrets. people in power hold onto secrets like it's viagra for the soul, and while i don't agree, i understand.

no, what is offensive is releasing documents in this condition, period. either comply with the law, and let your sordid words fly over the ether, or claim some sort of orwellian privilege and keep us in the dark. because pushing the literal dark into our faces, save out-of-context, juicy words like "water board", pretty much says you think we're idiots who can't handle the truth.

and maybe we are idiots. but snub idiots too long, and you get badly-themed shindigs. i'm just saying.

since i have been asked

yes, i had a good 3-day anniversary weekend. highlights include:

• free, albeit early, beethoven at a very pretty college here in the town of stumps.
  
• a lovely walk and picnic here, and right where that first picture is, too.
  
• to get that park, you have to go over this bridge and yes, that made me very, very happy.
  
• silliness--tho not unusual, it is always good to highlight the zee silly.
  
• writing. about new stories, even!
  
• a guilt-free trip to the best bookstore ever, because we took in a crapload of books for trade. freeish money!

not too shabby, really, and today's nice and slow so i may actually get some fiction writing in. ta ta!

discussion tip #287

if you're trying to win an argument (that isn't really an argument, but you've decided it is, because you're irrationally angry with the other person) then don't say something stupid like this:

By the way, inadvertent isn't actually a word. It's a null or zero word. Look it up! There's direct and indirect thought, and content & context only.

i added the link, but as you can see, inadvertent is not only a Real Word, it has a couple of meanings. but perhaps i own that website and made it up, just because i can.

on the other hand, if you want others to think you are an asshole, in addition to being mildly dense, please consider this kind of attack as your primer.

I LOVE THAI ROSES

i'm sorry to shout but #66 with beef is just about the best thing EVAR and my leftover-lunching tastebuds forced me to post thusly.

that is all.

since that vitriol's out of my system now..

here's some proof i've moved on.

• how i generally go about making positive change. timely, eh? i love DLM. and yes, really, this is how i roll. i'm too polite to rant much elsewhere.
  
• spaceballs, the animation! i can't wait! also good zombie and get smart info. also, i have always called a particularly cone-shaped toy of pearl's 'the cone of silence'. also, i love steve carrell.
  
• i love these:
  
  
• that is all.
  

friendliness is next to..

this morning i was talking with a casual friend, who needed to change when we were going to meet. it also could have impacted min, and so he said, 'is your friend going to be ok with that?'

since we were talking on the phone, and his end was having a love affair with static, it wasn't until a few seconds later that i realized he said friend...not min. not partner, girlfriend, sweet baboo...friend.

i've known this guy for a couple of months. i have talked about min, and referred to her as my partner, several times. he knows that we live together, have been together for quite some time. he and i haven't discussed the nature of the universe, what makes us laugh, and by no means are we BFF, but we've shared a fair bit of our worlds and have pretended to race cars.

so it is no mistake for him to call her my friend. he is doing it intentionally. from the aforementioned conversations, i know that he has a conservative religious background (and perhaps foreground), which as many of you know, is the perfect breeding ground for homophobia.

which means, in our politically correct times, that if you think being gay is tantamount to terrorism (albeit some sort of subversive sexual terrorism), but still have gay couples in your life, you will refer to them as being friends. maybe even "special little friends".

as you might guess, this is not the first time this has happened. i've gotten very, very used to it, from medical workers to coworkers to family members. but apparently, today is the first time it really pissed me off. maybe it's because i just moved from california in time to miss out on marriage equality. maybe it's because yesterday, when another friend discovered that my 12 year anniversary with min was just around the corner (25th), she practically squealed and hugged me. or maybe it's because i've gotten used to mildly liking this guy, but now i know he's bigoted, either by choice or ignorance.

or maybe i'm just PMSing. you know, girls do that, and that certainly is a good cop-out for anyone wanting to dismiss this rant. i know it's a rant, but so what? i pay my taxes. i work 5 days a week. i make sure my pets get their medicine. i vote. i read. i exercise. i work at my relationships. i help my parents. i deserve the same respect as anyone else. that means, unless you are:

- a complete stranger
- my extremely-old-and-last-surviving-grandparent

you should use the terms i designate, because that's what respectful communication is all about. if you happen to call The Woman You Live With your wife, then that's what i'll call her, too. if you call her your partner, mate, significant other, girlfriend -- that's what i'll call her. if you call her your sweet baboo, i will laugh, but if you're serious, then i will probably call her 'the baboo' and you will laugh. and i would expect you to do the same for me. anything else is being an asshole.

i mean, think about it. i say partner, you say figment of my imagination. you're denying my reality. you're taking my word and asking me to pretend it means something else. you're trying to make me in your image, and i'm sorry, but only god gets to do that. and don't tell me you're god's megaphone. god speaks to everyone, and i can hear just fine.*

*as n approaches infinity, some corrections may be applied

the phantom premise

apparently i can't write any more today. not the book, anyway, which is sad because i was really tooling along for an hour or so. i'm at 14,717 words now, i'm in the middle of a scene, with more good stuff around the corner, but apparently it's friday and i'm tapped out for now.

but i still want to do something mildly creative, so here i am. :)

incidentally, i have permanently adjusted to not really working. or to be precise, exchanging 1-4 hours per day of Actual Work in exchange for getting to write and/or fuck around. most days it's about 2 hours. since i'm getting paid to write, it will probably take a natural disaster to make me quit. so yes, i've decided this job is a true blessing.

in other news, you may have heard that oregon is one of the few states left with a primary. it's next tuesday and incidentally, ALL mail-in. this was a pleasant surprise; my last few years in cali i'd gone absentee, because i hate taking off time from work only to wait in a long line that does not involve roller coasters.

anyway, this is the first time min and i have voted for different folks. she has been a clinton supporter forever, and while there are things i admire about clinton...at the moment, the things i *don't* like about her are winning out.

and why am i telling you all this? because i hate the idea of a wasted vote. we don't have to be of one mind, not at all. but knowing that we are going to cancel each other out, it offends my political sensibilities.

in another fit of random, hot damn is it damn hot. wunderground says NINETY-TWO right now and no that is not normal for here. probably going to hit 95 in the next hour, right when i'm driving home. for the record i do not like heat. if you've met me, you can guess why. hint: i have been accused of vitamin E deficiency.

i think i'm tapped out again. let's call it monitor-induced apathonia and leave it at that. have a good weekend!

wheee!

two more pieces at Pen Pricks next month! just found out. yay me!

will post a link june first, when they go up. :):)

i'm a sign (post)

as you may recall, i mentioned the existence of some...unusual signs in my workplace. and by unusual, i mean for a corporate environment, at least every one i've worked in the last 15 years or so.

i have uploaded some of my favorites, but these two take the cake, in my opinion:

whenever i see this one i want to a) run with scissors and b) purchase my own stop sign, so i can smack people in the head. just like mr. bear.

stairs: the phantom menace.

in lieu of more interesting content

i admonish you to stop and smell whatever's blooming nearby, just like my girl.