i wish i could pull off orange

because i would so get this:

if this amuses you in any way, shape or form, go check out the main site. they have tons of awesome shirts, and if it were spring (no long sleeves, boo) i would so be droppin some cash there right now.

may the 4s be with you

tomorrow is the 4-year anniversary of this blog.
this is also my 444th post.
which means that i am 4ced to make bad puns involving the number 4.
(but i promise, that's the last one 4 now)

looking back at post numero uno, it's interesting that my first commenter is someone who no longer comments here. we're still friends, though not as close as we used to be, and some of that has to do with the Great Drama of 2006. that drama ultimately led to me calling RIP on this blog but then, of course, i lied and came back. along the way i've gotten many other readers, some i have no idea where from, so thanks for riding the waves with me :)

2006 was a pretty bipolar year but for better or worse, min and i continued on, mostly for the better. i chalk a lot of that up to some Really Good Therapy from a wonderful lesbian therapist in SF. also i chalk it up to honesty about Really Difficult Things. as readers both old and new know, i still try to keep up the honesty thing here, most recently regarding my parental escapades.

on that note, my dad has gone silent in terms of communicating with me. not surprisingly, he is being a shit to my mom. i am struggling with knowing how - or if - i should interact with him. i would like to have a 'good' relationship with him, but on the other hand, his lack of talking to me -- despite my earlier reaching out to him -- makes me wonder if i should just leave him alone. then, i think about him being alone -- which he is -- and that feels wrong.

i'm so glad that i'm an adult going through this, because as a kid i think their breakup would've killed me. now it's just mildly distressing. but, any of you who've had to go thru this process, i welcome your input.

work is weird -- slow at the moment, but i know that's temporary because my cubemate is quitting. we're on the same team, which means my workload is going to go up about 25%. which means no writing, not that i was doing much anyway.

the one bright spot on my horizon is the holidays. i lovelovelove november and december because of all the food and decorations and merriment and otherwise festive activities there always seem to be a billion of. i love that it gets cold(ish), that sometimes there is snow but mostly just fog and rain, but the cold is delicious because i run so damn hot. also supposedly my sister is visiting from phoenix and i'm looking forward to taking some time off, tooling about on the cheap. on that note, i am also happy that gas is nearing $2.

i know this is a rambly recap but i guess that's where i am - Ramblation, OR. for some unearthly reason i have a good feeling about 2009. i'm aware that i've been biding my time, and apparently some part of me thinks things will change in the next few months, for the better. i hope my subconscious is right. :-o

meantime, whether you're a habitual lurker, or a habitual commenter, thanks for coming round. here's to continued piquing of interests.

because i want to be +1 for tomorrow

please enjoy this fine resource, which helped me drool over this:

happy belated anniversary

yesterday was our 1-year anniversary of moving from california to oregon. am i still happy with that decision? see my obama post as metaphorical preview of coming paragraphs.

my job may be a little busier than i'd like -- although obviously i have enough time to write this today! - but at least i have a job. if i'd stayed in california, as a mediocre developer, i'm sure i would have been laid off. instead i'm on a team where my skillz pass for superior. go mediocrity! and, go occasional time for writing at mostly-mellow workplace.

and though i need to work on making more friends, at least we have a pretty friendly crew here. my writing group is pretty cool too, and speaking of words, hope to hit wordstock this weekend. if nothing else, this town is a fan of words. as you might imagine, that warms my heart a wee bit.

one of the main reasons we moved up was to be closer to my parents. now my mom is a lot closer than i'd anticipated - and that is going fine, thank you - but obviously with heartwrenching results. in the fallout from that, my dad has written me and min off as being untrustworthy and, i'm sure, a host of unflattering things he won't say to our face but directs to my sister and mother via email. classy. also classy is his attempt to woo other women while still trying to get my mom back. quite the prize, he is.

otherwise life is mostly the same, i'd guess, as it would've been in california...except that almost every day i go outside, i am stunned at all the beauty around me. not that i didn't ever note beauty in the sparkling smogopolis of san jose, but in addition to the air, there's just all the green, orange, blue, and (yes) rainbow of colors that perpetually surround us.

so yeah. color me happy to be home again.

well, a short p.s.

wtf, people.

but, you go girls.

alls i haves to say is

i am happier than this kid:

if i spoke another language i'd probably say:

and if i was gonna swear it'd be:

and since picture sez a 1000 words:
that is all.

hello from your ultimate fantasy object

You Are a Vampire

You are charming, sensual, and even a bit manipulative. You can't help but get people to do what you want. You have sharp senses and a strong predatory instinct. You go after what you want, without mercy. While you have the heart of a killer, many people are drawn to you. You are elegant, timeless, and mysterious. You are the ultimate fantasy object.

Are You a Vampire or a Werewolf?

happy halloweenie, and for the record i love you werewolves, too.

proof of boredom: 2 posts in the same week

i was really bored this morning. oh, i had work, but not enough of it, because i am a work-eating machine. so before i went to lunch, on facebook i set my status to:

Heather hopes, upon return to her desk, to be greeted by either work or inspiration.

and inspiration was what i got. i have work friends on facebook, and apparently one of them decided my hope should take the form of a post-it.

fine by me. it's staying in front of my keyboard so that i remember to take a break - mental or otherwise - more often. and, what i really meant by inspiration was, inspiration to write.

i am in a serious funk when it comes to penning any fiction, and haven't written anything new in almost two months. before this was about work insanity but the last few days, every time i think about writing i hear 'work on your goals!' from the bosslady in my head, so i drudge through personal improvement training instead.

this is another form of procrastination and i know it. the truth is, nothing is moving me long enough to write. post-post-it, i even opened up a file called 'inspiration' and started pasting in tidbits from this awesome site i randomly found the other day. i had a whole page of it, and then i had to go somewhere - for a walk? yes, after more mind-numbing training - and when i came back, i just stared at them tidbits. yeah? so? interesting? but apparently not enough.

so. any of you writers or creative types -- has this happened to you, and what the hell did you do to break out of it? do i just need a vacation? yes, i have been stressed with family stuff, but i don't think that explains it all. i'm just really having a hard time getting started, hearing a story. and yes i just figured out i need to hear at least part of the story before i begin.

ok any of you with ideas, please hammer 'em into me.

all quiet on the western front

at least sort of. saturday was an incredible flurry of activity on the part of me, mom, and one aunt/uncle set, packing up her stuff. it was a bit tricky to keep mom focused at first, but between me and my uncle (a former army guy) we got done in about 2 hours, including time for mom to write dad a goodbye note.

meantime min kept dad busy, apparently having a very nice time. they really do get along wonderfully, so much that when she had to drop him off under a bit of a guise (reparking the car), she felt horrible for a while, wondering if he would think she was just 'being nice' in order to get him out of the house. i think he knows better, but we'll see.

min met the rest of us at the safeway down the street, and i got back into the car with her. as we drove away i started crying, thinking about how lonely and confused and angry he had to be in that moment. i had woke up that morning crying over the same thing. for all the stupid, hurtful things he has done, he is still my dad, i love him, and don't want him to be hurting.

but these things go in waves, the feelings. and so it was that a while after my early-am crying spell, min stopped me and said, you know i'm really angry at your dad right now. we have all this angst, are going to all this effort because he keeps fucking up.

at that moment i felt very calm and so i said, yeah, i felt that way about a month ago. :-p

my dad is supposed to get a phone sometime today. the only way he had to contact us in the meantime, should he choose, was email. it was quite possible he would do something rash after all this (it has happened before) and so we were very glad to see an email from my dad saturday evening.

of course it was rather pleading, full of very mixed messages...and sent to me. there have been two more messages since and i am determined to talk to my mom tonight, get him her new email address. at first she said she'd reply via my account but later i realized being their intermediary is not ok with me.

that's it for now - my extremely dreary workday is about over, and i am so outta here. i am just grateful this seems to be proceeding rather smoothly so far, and hope i have not just jinxed things.

t-1

tomorrow my mom is scheduled for departure from her salem abode, heading for parts portlandish, by which i mean our guest room. the date has been set for almost 2 weeks and her slow but consistent progress forward -- along with a fiendishly brilliant plan she emailed early this morning -- makes me think she will really leave my dad tomorrow.

am i ready? hell no. but i know she needs to do it.

is her room ready? let's say, 75% and i suppose the extra exercise has been good for me. it used to look like a storage unit exploded in there; now there are orchestrated, diminutive piles of chaos. that plus putting the bed together will keep me busy til midday tomorrow when we head southward.

oh, and the brilliant plan? send min and my dad to a bookstore or thrift store while, unbeknownst to him (but knownst to us), me, mom, and other relatives pack up her stuff. there will still be some kind of an aftermath, which i am not looking forward to at ALL, but meantime my dad and min will be in one of their favorite places.

here's hoping tomorrow doesn't suck ass.

i have no excuse not to write

at least this morning, so here i am. so what's the haps the last few weeks? well, certainly not my mom moving in. she is now targeting next weekend. since she's given me a new date, i suppose this weekend i will actually work on the guest room...

what i really wanted to do this weekend was get out halloween decor. over the weekend we went to the roloff farms - home to the little people, big world show, if you watch that.

min is a big fan and was ecstatic (i surprised her) to go there finally, despite having to hobble a bit. she'd wrenched her knee the week before. we got some nifty pumpkins which i will try to showcase sometime before halloweenie.

afterwards, we went to see a bad movie but followed it with yummy japanese. 8 or so hours after that, min got up from bed and uber-wrenched her knee. 10 or so hours after that, we came home from the ER, her with a big ol knee brace and orders to rest. has she been resting? using the brace? sort of. grr.

i know i'm being a bad blog hostess, what with these sporadic posts. however, if you want more frequent - if one line - updates, you should add me as a friend on facebook. i know you're all dying for up to the minute heather news, so consider this your best source.

and since i flubbed several words in the attempt to type that last paragraph, i have a question for y'all, especially those of you who might be older than me. in the last few months i've noticed that i'm starting to misspell words -- and instead of transposing letters (my longtime favorite) -- i'm spelling semi-phonetic-variations. for example, dying became dieing. news was originally knews. so....has this happened to any of you? this rampant misspelling affliction? i feel like my synapses are starting to break down.

an update on my odd little world

• things are entirely too busy at work.
  
• but i got a teeny soda can acknowledging my contributions!
  
• a new person just joined our team, so maybe things will get better...in a month, when they're trained
  
• my mom finally came for Her Weekend of Processing
  
• yes it was productive...and long.
  
• yes she says she's leaving my dad. in fact, she says it will be next weekend
  
• i'm not holding my breath
  
• she's coming to stay with us...temporarily. she says she's excited about getting her own place
  
• not holding my breath there either.
  
• mom in the house will be good for min (for several reasons) but a big one is:
  
• about a month ago, min stopped driving. she's having (more) forgetful+depth perception-type issues. so it'll be good to have another driver in the house, for a while
  
• i am really proud of min for making that decision. my dad should've done that a long time ago.
  
• and of course, i am proud of my mom, taking some of the steps she needs to feel good about herself
  
• i will be even prouder if she actually does what she needs to by next weekend
  
  and most importantly:
  
• there needs to be a ghirardelli store in portland

grateful

this weekend left me feeling very grateful. there have been no gold-showering rainbows, no happy pills for family tension, work or health issues, but that does not stop me from being blessed. for example:

my mom was supposed to come stay with us over the weekend. we were going to have some fun, sure, but also high on the list was helping her process, so to speak, her future. be a sounding board, troubleshoot ideas, etc. because she has not done that yet, not really.

but it's been weeks since this debacle started! you might say. and to you i say: very astute. but time moves very, very slowly when you are sick. which means, no, my mom did not come over this weekend. she called friday, rescheduling to saturday; called saturday rescheduling to sunday, and sunday to cancel completely. sunday brought 'needles pricking all [her] joints', along with a 102 degree fever. i wish i could say this was horribly out of line, but unfortunately, it's only a mild deviation.

which is why, almost immediately after talking with her, something pushed me onto the back deck. it was almost 80 degrees, sunny with a wonderful little breeze. i realized that, as an able-bodied person living in an absolutely gorgeous area, i had a moral imperative to take advantage of it.

and so i did. as a nice surprise, min came too. we traipsed around a wonderfully lush park, with semi-steep paths right down to the willamette river. once we got to the rocks and blue, pearl started chasing a larger dog into a good-sized pond and ran right into it...for about 2 seconds, and then backed up. she turned around to look at me. water?!?

she did this about 4 or 5 more times, which = big big fun for her AND for us, giggling away. after that, i walked over to the river and got my feet nice and freezing, drinking in the air and peaceful surroundings: quiet chatter, dogs barking, boats scooting by, water lapping at me, wind in my hair, sun keeping everything in check.

i would give a lot to make my mom better. meantime...man. we had a good day. :)

hey who else could go for some updates right now?

updates, not flapjacks. tho i'm sure 15 days of waiting has made you hungry...

really, there has been no major change since my last post, other than the change of no more rampant spending, since i killed that bank account. my mom, who has threatened (at least to me) to take more drastic personal action, has not. today she did send me the url of apartments nearby though, indicating she may really leave. do i understand her reluctance? the slow nature of change, especially due to illness? you bet. is it still a little/really annoying? you bet.

i suppose the only real change, such as it is, is the increasingly bipolar responses from my dad. one email will border on penitent, asking questions, telling me he loves me. the next he will be angry, accusatory, and generally full of misrepresentation and deflections.

actually the deflection is almost always there, and that is the part that is troubling me more, as this communication continues. it shows a lack of responsibility on his part: it's not my fault, you didn't tell me. it's not my fault, i'm sick. and the combination one: it's not my fault, i don't remember because i'm sick.

the problem is that the last part is true. he has pleeeenty of trouble remembering because of all the strokes he's had. totally legit. if he would be humble about it, ask for help, take feedback from others...well, things would be a lot happier. he has done this before, too. but so far, he doesn't seem able to settle there. i'll see glimpses and then he's back to being angry.

earlier week i was so at my limit about all this. work craziness was not helping. but as the week wound down, work mellowed a bit and i stopped getting email from my dad. apparently he hasn't been feeling well but i bet there's also a bit of "i'm not getting my way so i'll try ignoring this for a while".

which is fine by me, since i was 100% in burnout zone. but it also means i have no idea wtf is going to happen next. so, stay tuned...

well i could swear

that i'd written about my dad's obsession with coins, but my search = null. i did finally find something about stamp obsession (i suggest you search in there, if you really want to know more) but suffice to say, some of that same bidness has returned. this time it's about coins -- ancient ones -- which, along with stamps and books, he's collected for years.

sounds pretty boring, doesn't it? i like history a smidge, so i do find discussions on these topics somewhat interesting, but what i really find tedious is spending GOBS of scrilla to the point that you risk losing your home. again.

in short, the last two weeks has involved way too many conversations with my mom about mysterious p@ypal charges. and i had written a whole post about it yesterday, but last night i got an email from my dad, and i realized that my reply to him would make for better reading. so here you go.

Hey Dad,

Thanks for emailing me. Before anything else, I want to let you know I love you, and I always will.

The other thing I have to say right away is that I find it ironic you preferred to talk via email--ironic because that's often easier for me as well, when discussing something that may be difficult. I know we'll talk soon on the phone or in person, but I agree this is a good place to start.

Thanks also for saying you want me to 'let it all out' and want some open, honest communication. Plenty of things have been running through my head the last couple weeks, but here's what I want to say for now.

1. I know you feel a sense of duty -- and indeed, some legal/financial responsibility -- to the eb@y auctions you either currently or expect to owe payments on. But you do not "need" to pay for these items. What you need to do is contact these sellers and tell them you are sorry, but you do not have the funds to pay for these items and must withdraw. There is a lot of info here but suffice to say, even under the 12 hour timeframe, eb@y still gives the option to withdraw at any time.

The bottom line is this: there is no more money. Unless you have a hidden bank account somewhere, your only option is to work with these sellers to withdraw from every remaining auction -- closed or open.

2. You said: "I thought I could handle closing this on my own but you must have thought otherwise."
I thought so too. But over the last several weeks, you have repeatedly changed your story about a) how many auctions were left and b) how much the total cost might be. I remember hearing totals of $40...$190...but the fact is that, over the last month, you have spent almost $669 on eb@y or coin-related websites, most of that in the last two weeks.

Since I have taken action to freeze your P@yPal account -- which is tied to my secondary bank account -- and began the process of closing that bank account, there *should* be no additional charges. As far as 'overages' -- there was a non-sufficient funds fee earlier this week due to all this, which would put the damage at $701. Hopefully that will be the final tally.

Incidentally, all but 1 of these charges are after your first apology, your first promise to me in the middle of last month, that you would not 'break my trust' by *further* spending inappropriately and draining my bank account. Since then, there have been 2 additional apologies...

3. I am a bit puzzled by your request that I will be kind to mom. I don't think I've ever given any indication of being unkind, and certainly actions by you would not make me be unkind to her. I would hope it wouldn't make me unkind to you either -- anger has a purpose, and I have every right to be angry, as does mom.

Since this is not the first time our family has had to deal with your impulse control problem, I think --honestly-- you're lucky that we're being this mellow. I could have easily called and yelled at you, demanded to have passwords to your accounts, tried to cajole some kind of commitment out of you...but really all that would result in is more drama. At this point, calm, loving but firm actions are the best option.

With that in mind, I hope that we all can be kind, honest and respectful with each other as things get sorted. You're my father, and as Amber said (essentially) earlier this week, I'll never escape the love, the relationship that I have with you. The only thing that may change is the shape of that relationship. I know Min loves you as well, and both of us are open to working toward that honest, respectful relationship--but it is a good faith act. We are assuming you will also be completely honest, and respectful, with everyone in our family. Historically speaking, those have not been strong points for you when it comes to anything financial. I suppose that leads me to the last point:

4. As soon as the dust settles from the current financial crisis, I am washing my hands of any role in the finances between you and mom. The main step toward that is cancelling the bank account. At one point you threw out the idea of me being a go-between, running potential purchases past me...I don't want that responsibility or stress. You know how much money you and mom get each month; it's up to you to responsibly decide how that money is allocated.

It's also up to you to abide by whatever decisions are made. From what I gather, this point in particular has been a big problem. I'm not privy to any prior arrangements made with mom, and I don't want to know, either. The key thing is that if you know you're having trouble abiding by those agreements, you need to say something. You need to get help right away, before you risk homelessness, as you did this month. God was clearly looking out for you by providing that stimulus check this month -- I couldn't have bailed you out. As it is, you will have an extremely difficult month ahead with what little cash is left.

At any rate, to prevent things like this from happening in the future, a better process, and possibly some kind of supplemental help for you, needs to be identified. I don't know why you are still having problems with this, but it seems like it would be a good idea to get that sorted. I don't mind talking about any of that with you -- save the financial stuff, which should stay between you and mom.

I think that is enough for now. I know we will talk soon, likely this weekend.
Love to both of you,
Heather

oh and for perspective on the $...my dad only makes a little over $700/month. so, $701 is kind of a big deal.

ps. the bank account was mine, but the money was all theirs. no $ was stolen from me.

the perfect gift

the other day, as i was doing research on my newest story, the internet brought me the perfect gift:

this is from my (onetime) hometown newspaper, the coquille valley sentinel. in case you're wondering, that's pronounced Ko-Keel (internets gave me that, too). other highlights from this page include "Family Goes North" and "Cookie Press Used" and a disney ad for the movie Castaways. good times!

and yes yes, i uploaded these but copyright to all the peoples said inside the master image above.

faith will play a huge role in the story. though i may not have given my religious past a lot of lip service, believe you me -- it is there in spades. as such, i've got a new picture for ya:

and as further proof, yesterday i put this song in my head, reminiscing about rocking out in the car. told you i used to roll for the big kahuna.

3 weeks without a post

thanks to work and its unholy love of eye-numbing, scope-creeped css projects. so yeah, i'm alive, and i love you, but it'll probably be another week before i start being able to breathe. i had a whole day without the little monster (yesterday) but now it's back. thanks, yo.

i want to hear from you lurkers. what are you doing? why aren't i hearing about it on your blogs? if *i* can post at least once a month, so can you. consider yourself on notice!

in other news, all this work is distorting my passion for writing. any of you writers out there -- have you ever gotten wonderful feedback+praise on a piece, only to feel completely pessimistic about continuing work on said piece? that's exactly what happened to me saturday afternoon, a few hours after my writer's group. my 1st thought was, wtf? i haven't had time for many 2nd thoughts because i haven't had time to fictionalize much (see above). i am sure it's just some of that legendary neurotic writer business but still -- annoying.

finally, i want to thank longbottom for creating an iced german chocolate mocha. it is second only to the butterfingery mocha goodness in cambria and no, i don't yearn for that on a regular basis.

put ham on 5 and hold the...

Mayonnaise

You tend to be a very quiet, introverted person. You're happy to sit back and let stronger personalities shine. You value loyalty and harmony. You try to bring people together. Your taste in food leans toward simple comfort foods. You love holiday meals as well as old school favorites like mac and cheese. You get along with mustard and ketchup personalities. You have an unlikely alliance with hot sauce personalities.

What Condiment Are You?

yes it's been a very, very long time since i've posted a quiz, and in belated honor of one of our more picnic-happy holidays (you know, the red-white-and-blue one last friday), i thought this condiment quiz was appropriate. i saw some of the options ahead of time, and for some reason, i knew i would be mayo...

speaking of red, i showed my patriotism sunday by turning my left hand (and part of my stomach) extraordinarily rosy when i poured boiling water over them. for any non-american readers, no, this is not a traditional celebration. i was trying to make tea, and in a freak tupperware accident, well, you can guess the rest. i promptly got it under cold water (and several times), so actually it's just mildly sensitive/pink today. only my pinkie finger is crabby to type, but thankfully there's little cause for q and z.

p.s. anyone who gets the movie quote in this post: i love you to infinity

on being nice

yesterday i was in a meeting that traditionally begins by asking if anyone in the group has "opens" or open issues they need to discuss. naturally these opens are usually a problem of some sort.

p.s. i hate the term opens.

anyway, a coworker of mine says yes, she has one, and proceeds to praise me for the next 90 seconds or so. there was a huge, mind-numbing project that got split between 4 teammates and, long story short, i ended up doing approximately 80% of the project instead of my original 25%. i volunteered for that, because as i've mentioned before, my nemesis is boredom. and being me, i did that work very, very quickly. to be honest i don't really think much of that--that's just how i roll.

but because my friend a) made her declaration during a time normally tasked to problems and b) is very genuine AND effusive, this rubbed some of the 15-odd attendees the wrong way. over the next hour, several folks made snark. if person A mentioned that person B helped them with something, person C would go, 'hey, i want to hear more about how person B helped you. can you talk more about that?'

and so on. i also got called out 2 more times for various work-related proficiency by different people, and at the end of the meeting, when there are "closing opens", i was greeted with "yes, i would like to point out that heather has a really cool tshirt".

haha. after having to explain the shirt (...), i said, ok, no one gets to talk about me for a month.

because i knew that all this attention meant i was going to get teased, and not necessarily in a nice way. it's happened three times already, and each time there's this undercurrent of:

- who the hell are you anyway?
- you're so quiet--you *can't* be working as hard as *i* am
- why is nobody praising to me?

i don't mind recognition -- i am a leo, mind you -- but this left a bad taste in my mouth. and to be honest, i feel worse for my coworker. she has a sort of irrepressible but levelheaded enthusiasm that is refreshing in the workplace (perhaps i'll nickname her Sprite, or Long Island Iced Tea). she's also a little older and hopefully in this case, wise enough to withstand some mockery.

of course the saddest part is the people who felt they had to make fun of a very nice person. insecurity issues, anyone?

so much for progress

since my last post, work has been bananas, and not the tasty kind, either. i have had absolutely no time to write, until this morning when a couple of servers went down. they *just* went back up, so i expect to be grinding away the rest of the day and next week. yeehaw.

meantime, in case you didn't see this all over the bloody internet the last week, there is a fabulous fun little toy out there called wordle. you take any text you want (i saw bible samples just now) and play with the words in a pretty little word cloud. for writers, it's a great way to see what you're really focusing on--in case you didn't know--and possibly, suggestions for a thesaurus.

for me, it's a way to share the stories i've been writing, but not give away too much other than potential themes. in other words, it's a way to be lazy with my blog content. so here you go.