Friday, April 01, 2005


lately i've had the weird sensation of being single again. i get up by myself, take care of the puppy, keep the car and drive to work by myself, rock out to all the channels that would normally drive my baby crazy.

when i'm at work i feel "single" almost all the time. sure, i have this undercurrent, this subconscious connection to min that's with me as i breathe in and out and is comforting. but that's it - it's subconscious. very rarely do i think about it too much because i am SO focused on work. that's me - i'm a task-oriented kind of girl. have been since birth - ask my sister, it used to drive her crazy. i think it drives min crazy once in a while too.

and besides, as i've said before, i like to work. as stupid as it may sound, i really like the Work Me. Work Me has most of her shit together; Home Me tries but, in my opinion, pales in comparison to Work Me.

anyway. adding to the disconnectedness is the fact that min isn't getting online as much lately since she's still having a pretty hard time. her test on Wednesday did NOT go well - triggered an awful, heart-stopping attack. yes, sometimes her heart stops and so does her breathing. those are fun ones.

so because of these joyrides, she's usually not up for talking a bunch and has been sleeping a lot both during the day AND when i get home. which means i end up alone in the evening a lot…trying to entertain the puppy and myself, doing a bit of housework, maybe "relaxing" by reading my email or watching tv.

again, just like being single.

interspersed are moments of feeling very married. cuddling for a few minutes as one of us lumbers into bed, giggling together over something adorable the puppy's doing in front of us, feeling the warmth of her hand on my thigh as we're driving towards the doctor's office, going to get her evening pills together, maybe even a little argument, for argument's sake, because we're human. but it feels rare and odd. like i'm living someone else's life right now. a weird mixture of present and past tense.

while there were certainly fun things about being single, i really have no desire to go back to that state. i presume this is a snapshot and things will go back to "normal" after min gets her botox shot in a few weeks. but for the moment, i feel a little surreal.

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