Sunday, May 28, 2006

circle of life

as good a start as any is to say, yesterday i almost blogged this:

my god. sometimes i really am brilliant.

this after only a couple of hours of fidgeting with code, and getting it to do EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED IT TO DO. that, my imaginary friends, is no small feat. especially when lately you've been feeling that you are a dufus. and i assure you, in many ways i am. but right not. it was really quite nice.

do i still want to do something else (besides code) with my semi-charmed life? maybe. but i'll take these small triumphs where i can, and just see where my mind takes me later.

i really try not to blog when i'm in the throes of my Monthly Hormonic Posession (which i think from now i will refer to as MHP), but since i'm on the downside now:

wen, things are alright. it's still pretty much the same as before - there are good times and bad, and i spose that's true for anyone. mostly it's just mellow and i guess in a way that's not too shabby. but it's not particularly blog-worthy either. but some general things from the last week or so:

- i got back in touch with my sister (rather, she with me). it's really been fun chatting with her on IM, and after her saying she was going to start blogging, on a whim i told her about mine. i had decided not to tell my family about it, to keep it separate, but...fuck it. a few days later she told me she and her hubby stayed up all night reading ALL OF IT. sheesh! that's dedication. but in turn i found out this brain-not-turning-off thing is a family trait. whoops.

- so i got good convo and another good blog, yay! and then the other day i found out about cap'n picard's blog and if you like star trek you MUST read it. the first one i read was about doing the laundry and it's fucking hilarious.

- in a blogging first (for me), i am finishing this entry about 12 hours after i started it. i started it around noon, when min was still sleeping. she got up shortly after, and so then we were busy visiting, etc. since the MHP was still bothering me a lot today i wasn't up for going out as planned. so: tv, napping, eating, tv, dishes, talking...

and late tonight we did more talking than i expected. about the usual suspects of late: honesty, the lack thereof, and/or suspicion of the lack of honesty, details about former mental affairees, threats to go talk to affairees, then segueing into general communication problems and our inability to successfully conclude a difficult discussion. well, without putting the convo to an unnatural halt.

but i guess that's the thing right now. we're still learning about healthy ways to communicate about these things and are NOT good at it yet. i have trouble knowing when - and what - information/feelings to volunteer. sometimes i just want to scream at her, but sometimes i want to just scream at me. in the end it's almost always tears (both of us) and pep talks, promising to keep the faith that, with help, we will work things out. i think if nothing else tonight i realized that i really am doing a shitty job of showing her how much i love her... i just hope i wake up and give her her due. i really am lucky to have someone who loves me as much as she does, who loves me when i feel completely unworthy.

- my glorious capper to all that is, the 25th saw our 10 year anniversary. since i was knee deep in MHP hell at that time, we only went out to dinner. but a very lovely dinner at buca di beppo's. are hoping to go somewhere fun/out of town tomorrow, since i should be virtually cramp-free by then. have a rental car (regular's in the shop) with satellite radio! before i had it in my own car i knew it was cool and all but jesus. that shit's more addictive than crack i think.

ok that's more than enough. my cried out little eyes are complaining that they need to go to bed, and i'll obey now. hasta luego.

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