Thursday, May 18, 2006


i feel like i'm working a lot. i'm working on real work, and i'm working on looking busy at work. i hate trying to look busy...especially when my boss is behind me the whole time. so even though i had time to blog, i couldn't. but luckily i just got assigned a spec today so now i'll be busy (for real) for a few weeks. phew!

you could have blogged at home, you say. yes that's true. but i'm also working on doing better at this whole relationship thing. yes, believe it or not, kids, i am not perfect. anyway working on a relationship means not sitting in front of a computer for hours at a time (unless your partner is asleep, like she is right now). good thing this gives me time for freelance projects. but today, or at least right now, i can't generate interest in it.

but this is the thing. i realized today that for some reason, i am getting SO disinterested in being a coder. don't ask me what the hell i want to do instead - i have no idea. all i know is, this ain't floatin my boat so much anymore. that both annoys and scares me, mostly because i don't have strong ideas about replacement work. as another friend of mine would say, i don't know who or where my tribe is.

good thing that when it comes to staying employed, i move wisely. i'll spend some time thinking this over and make my move eventually without missing a beat. that, my friends, is one skill i indeed have -- staying employed. although i would trade it for a higher emotional IQ any day.

speaking of my deficiencies, and the improving of them, we did in fact see our therapist, B, last saturday. not before having a humdinger of a *discussion* on the way up there though. the only good thing i can say about that is, it sure made it easy to have a difficult discussion fresh in my mind. i am the queen of forgetfulness so that's no small issue to me. later m said she learned a lot about me and how i think during that session. i felt like i learned some, but mostly got some tools for how to handle things during a fight, and ways to express feelings in a more constructive manner. like giving each other the space (time) to respond, or negotiating a time to talk. i know it sounds simple but there are some things you just don't learn properly when growing up, and for us, these were left out. not that i'm necessarily being better about expressing my feelings...

after the therapist we went to la honda for a bonafide lesbian comedy show at a bonafide lesbian restaurant. it was pretty disappointing on all counts, actually. let's just say my broccoli was good and that wasn't the main course. and one out of 3 comics - apparently, the non-lesbian comic - was funny. one was mildly funny and the other one was flat out annoying. oh well, at least it was a pretty drive up there and back.

in other adventures, yesterday instead of going to bingo we finally made it to women's game night up in oakland. figured doing that we could actually *talk* to other people instead of spending all our time figuring out if it was B7 or N37 that got called.

and talk we did, because when we walked in (only 5 minutes late) they'd started go goddess. i about lost it when i saw it on the table. rainbows, butterflies, CANDLES...i mean, wow. i was very happy to hear the host, kara, say that it was going to be an experiment (from a friend) and if we didn't like it we'd switch to something else.

well the fact is, cheesy and suprisingly hetero-focussed as it was (good thing us dykes like to bend the rules), it was a really good way to get to know other people. because as a game for womyn (goddesses, sorry), it was all about talking, sharing, journeying. and since i didn't know anyone else there besides min, it was actually very interesting. oh and i think the best part was, the stupid candles wouldn't light. i mean, two of us got them to light, but they took work. like i guess any woman worth her salt does.

ok that's enough from me for now. except to say, congrats again to liz and andrea on their little bundle of joy, valerie. she's so beautiful. :-)


Jean-Luc Picard said...

Good blog, Heather.

Thanks for visiting my Journal.

wen said...

You have almost earned your Santa Cruz Card, which gives you a passport to, and special privileges in, the Hippie Homeland.

I love that it's for hets, yet there seem to be rainbow candles. And hello, isn't the board paper? I don't usually set burning things on paper, but that's just me.

Glad you had fun, though!

heather said...

hah! shouldn't i have the card anyway, since i used to live there? or when i moved away, maybe i had to give it up...

actually the "board" is some synthetic, like semi-starched rayon. not that it didn't get burnt a tiny bit. :-o