Friday, May 05, 2006

i feel *

on tuesday of this week we saw the therapist finally. this was almost two weeks ahead of schedule. why? because the previous week, after i posted this (and yes, if you're playing at home, i really *was* suicidal. and yes, i've felt that way a lot this year), i decided to go home and talk to min.

i'd been crying off and on a lot of the week already. complicating matters was the fact that it was That Time for me, and i kept trying to attribute my extra emotionality to demonic hormones. but several conversations with min were just convincing me that i was fucked up. now mind you, she was not sitting there yelling, 'you're fucked up!'. no, she was just telling me how she felt about things, and i'd say how i felt about things, questions were asked, etc. and the end results were that i kept feeling like i was a complete fucking asshole for wanting what i did, AND that i wished more than anything that i could NOT feel the way i did. i wishedthat i could take this perverse desire for other women, to not be happy with solely min, and eradicate it from my brain.

and at the same time, thank you very much, part of me still wanted what i said in the first place: to have an open relationship with min, because despite everything she is still the woman i love most in this world, and have felt the most connection with. and yeah, then i'd want to be with AG too. wouldn't happen because she's not ok with open relationships, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it. thank god (hah), that she seems to have backed off from me, because it's making it easier to be mad at her. hopefully my being mad, not reading her blog anymore (thank you bloglines), eventually that means i'll stop wanting her, wanting to have any kind of interaction with her, too. it certainly has worked in the past. i hope it works soon.

ok sorry, tangent. anyway, so i went home to min and spilled the beans about how i was feeling. my supreme idiocy, despair, etc. she pushed me (us) to see the therapist sooner because she was (rightly) worried about me and made me promise not to hurt myself. although i didn't want to, i agreed. by saturday, we got an appointment with the therapist for tuesday afternoon. meantime we tried to not get too heavy with the convo, while we waited.

our therapist (i'll call her B) is in SF - a little hike. B was very nice, clear, and gave us a) some good feedback already and b) tips/tricks for trying to communicate difficult feelings/topics. we also got homework for next time (13th) which is to write down a list of a feelings we've had difficulty discussing. i feel * -- and i feel that this will be a difficult list to write.

we also formalized (wrote down and signed) 2 verbal agreement we'd already made, plus a new one. which were 1) to not do anything to harm ourselves without talking to each other and/or B; 2) to be completely honest with each other about everything; and (the new one) 3) to always express our feelings in a physically safe manner. this last one was borne out of the picture frame/glass-smashing incident, which for the record, i did not bring up. but once it came up, B wanted to talk about it for a good few minutes.

and this is why a therapist is great. because i didn't think through my *feelings* about that situation in gory detail, but B made me. and it was good to do that if for no other reason to recognize what they all were, and that they were valid. being unsafe is not ok. thus, the agreement. now, i didn't really think that min (or i) was going to start smashing everything in the house, but that's what agreements are for. so everyone knows the rules.

and now that we've formalized those rules, including that big one about honesty, i would think that even if you have some doubts about whether or not someone's being honest, because of the agreement, you're going to at least *outwardly* presume someone's being honest and proceed as if they are, until proven guilty. sounds reasonable right?

wrong. apparently what's reasonable is to act that way half the time, but spend the rest of the time asking questions in a jealous and/or suspicious manner. questions like, what are you doing on the computer? chatting with other girls? having an affair? or, are you still talking to AG? why not? don't you still want her? how does that affect how you feel about me? have you really told me everything about her? the others?

and of course these questions have to be asked more than once. also, i get that asking about The Other Woman is natural but do i really have to answer the same thing over and over? well duh, apparently i do. ok i'm stopping there because a) this is long enough and b) all those stupid scripts i've been waiting on just finished. anyway, meantime i'll ask my lurkers (and wen) to send some good thoughts over because this process, it feels like it's sucking my soul.

1 comment:

wen said...


this sounds like a hella tough situation. all i can say is "one day (or hour or minute) at a time"

you're trying to be honest with yourself and with min, which i applaud.

it sounds (to me) like your needs (or wants or desires or whatever you call them) aren't necessarily in line with min's.

and you know what? that situation typically feels crappy (or at least i know i feel crappy when that happens).

but sometimes it does happen.

it doesn't mean you love the person any less. or that you are a bad person. it means that for whatever reason, there's a situation you want that the other person doesn't.

ignoring it, or trying to change what you want (rather than accepting "it is what it is" and looking at why you want that and if there's a way to get those needs fulfilled within the agreement of your current relationship) is only going to make the feelings fester. trust me, that is not a good thing.

remember this:

*just because you can love someone in addition to min, doesn't make you bad or wrong. it merely makes you able to love someone in addition to min. lots of people have more than one partner. trust me on this. it's not for everyone (and i found that out the hard way). still, there's nothing inherently wrong with it.

*the conflict you feel over not being able to meet min's needs and your own is normal. boringly normal. most of us want to please ourselves and our partners, after all.

*this too shall pass. sounds flippant, but the only constant is change (well and death and taxes, but whatever).

*ultimately, you are only responsible for acting with integrity. if you act honestly and with compassion and treat min in the way in which you'd like to be treated, there's not much more you can do.

*min is a wonderful woman, and i know she loves you. you are both going through a hard time, and it's likely to make you feel crummy. but remember that it takes two to tango, and so she is responsible for her behavior