Monday, July 17, 2006

fireworks, angst and death

yes, that headline is the 1 second version of this entire post. :-p anyway, thanks to clearcase and other technology snafus, in addition to my inability to post more often, I bring you an almost-3 week recap!

6.28 exceeded RDA of Angst and Angst-related Secret Blog Posts.

6.30 had a horrible (too vivid) dream about AG. because i was so upset that morning, ended up admitting to min what a shit-ass time i'd been having fighting with myself the last several weeks. how i'd been thinking, wouldn't she really be better off without me? and i really heard her when she said: no. i love you. ALL of you. to which i said: i'm glad you do because i sure don't.

7.1 saw Lake House which wasn't that bad. romance... with a bit of fantasy. had a fight with min, but ended well.

7.3 battled with myself. victor: me! loser: me!

7.4 played a fun bedroom game in the morning. :-D went to oakland to have dinner with some strangers dykes. VERY yummy food! some good conversation. then we walked down to jack london to see the fireworks/listen to music. got separated from the group...but so what. we had a blast AND i won free tickets to some event this winter. handel's messiah singalong i think? put on by whatever symphony was playing at the fireworks. anyway the BEST part about the fireworks is now they have smiley fireworks!! so cool!!! the worst part was, we're never bringing pearl to fireworks again. soooo scared she was. poor thing.

oh and on the way home we got lost in alameda. all the usual exits were blocked off (thanks) and so we ended up in the webster tube...the only good thing i can say about all that is, now we have an oakland map. :-p

7.5 joined more lists in an attempt to stave off Major Boredom and Angst. since there was no bingo(!), saw The Devil Wears Prada which was kinda dumb. had a fight because i was an idiot... and in the end felt very grateful for min.

7.6 another good night, even though min was horribly sick. pondered my lack of angst (for last few days) briefly but then let it go (enjoy the break!).

7.7 saw my gynocologist who said: great that you've lost so much weight. however that's why your periods MHPs have sucked so much ass the last several months. thanks!! ffs. went with min to kubota for dinner. yum. had a really lovely evening, felt very in love/content.

7.8 had another (annoying) dream about AG, which put me in a weird mood all day. to help distract myself, i started taking career tests to figure out What I Might Want To Do If It Isn't This.

7.9 saw wen and tara dance! and kai and several others. andrea - T's sequined outfit is SO worth taking a picture of, and we would have if we'd remembered the camera (doh). we went to the event to a) enjoy it, which we did, and b) see if it was the kind of thing we'd want to take a class for, since wen is teaching one pretty damn cheap next month! we both agreed it wasn't really our deal (i was pretty iffy on it from the getgo) - sorry wen. but you guys looked great!

7.10 we cheated on our therapist B by seeing a new one, A. it was 60% disaster 40% success. dunno if we will go back yet (have another appt with B this saturday), but A did have some good observations about our communication styles.

7.12 nickelback songs should be removed from my playlist. joined more lists in an attempt to stave off Major Boredom and Angst.

7.13 had the great idea (via an idea from therapist A) to have min and i check in with each other each day - use that time to talk about something we appreciate/love about each other as well as share difficult feelings we're having (instead of keeping them in). i also realized that a lot of my missing AG is about friendship, that i need more deep friendships in my life. more people i can hang out, be silly with. and as much as i would like min to fill most of those needs, because of her illness, she can only fill so much. yeah i know this is old territory, but i never connected that to AG quite so much. it actually was comforting, because it made it not just about *her*. which is really good because i've had no indications of her missing me. hopefully soon i can say the same. but on this date (13th) that SO was not true.

7.14 had a very sweet, loving day. at night, had nightmare about my parents. min was great, telling me a story to lull me to sleep, but my dream had included music so..borrowed min's ipod to listen to norah jones (the only podcast i could find with soothing music on there!).

7.15 intense love for min feels reactivated. wrote her love letter. spent a lot of time on disability paperwork.

7.16 my maternal grandfather died. i hadn't seen him for maybe 15 years, and i was ok with that because of all the horrible things my mom told me he'd done to her (thanks). my own experiences with him were ok if stilted. he had been VERY ill the last few months - pretty out of it mentally, blind, etc..and apparently saturday he took a real nosedive. my mom (who, at least to some degree, had forgiven him) said they had peaceful music and candles going much of that day, and that almost all her sibs got to either be there or talk to him on the phone before he died. amazingly she says my grandmother is doing really well. i'm glad my mom can be there for her right now though.

also spent a lot of time on disability paperwork, running errands related to that. had a fight...and later min apologized for all the times she's been...short with me inappropriately. and over the last few years, with her pain putting her frustration threshold so very high by default, there has been a lot of that, so i really appreciated her a) recognizing that and b) apologizing. it's been hard to talk to her about it because of how much stress she's under.

7.17 min filed for disability today. for real! had an interview down at the SSA office and everything. i am so proud of her for finally getting that done. course now we just have to wait for them to deny her (i'm not kidding) and reapply. apparently we should know within 6 months if she gets approved. it's kind of funny, EVERYTHING we've ever read says, nobody ever gets approved the first time. but apparently they totally act like you might. we'll see! and the woman there also told her that even after she gets approved, it'll be 5 months AFTER that until she ever gets any money. there is a 5 mo backlog. wow.

if you made it this far, congrats! your prize, especially if you enjoy arrested development, is to check this out.

ok bye :-)


Andrea said...

congratulations on your 7.13 realization. it's a hard one to face and i'm glad you're recognizing that what's driving some of your angst doesn't have much to do with AG. she's just the easy target.

heather said...

thanks andrea. i have to keep reminding myself of my realization too. :-p no points for memory retention.