Wednesday, October 25, 2006

on being efficient

so that last post. what's up with me crying and being vague? aren't we past that? we're back to mostly innocuous and silly posts, right?

well that's mostly right. because although it's been over a month since my last serious relationship post, and over 2 months since i've posted about AG, the fact is that in the meantime, both of those things have still been Issues, to varying degrees.

um. i thought you were over AG? or at least enough.

yeah me too. and while bit by bit, i suspected i was losing the fight, it wasn't until this last week that i realized the truly profound nature of my feelings.

what was the trigger, you say?

well i'll tell you. recently AG and i got to talking. not about anything in particular, really. just talking. and then, without hardly any provocation (on both sides, different times) we totally started flirting.

um. hi. flirting? i thought that was verboten with her?

no shit. so it didn't go on for very long, thank you very much. but within a few days i was thinking about her all the time again. wtf?

and then i realized:
- i was remembering how much i enjoyed - and missed - our delightfully witty, mildly lascivious banter from the days of yore.
- oops. i have been letting this need slide again.
- how getting to know her better, even on such nonromantic terms, was an incredible turn on. how every new thing i learned about her just endeared me to her further.
- how bloody mature she is. wow. she is a better woman than i.

oh and i forgot to say, in the last few months i've seen her a couple of times, as well. one time, there was this moment while we were standing next to each other, waiting for our ice cream (same kind, natch). we were so close, our arms were lightly touching. it was noisy around us but we were quiet...waiting. and i thought: this is heaven. this is heaven being right here, next to her, doing something as simple as getting a treat.

so it should be no surprise that after all this, i realized that i was done. she is there, in my heart, for good. and while this certainly doesn't make my life any easier, it is what it is and i can't really deny it any more.

now, what to do about it? that's another matter. while i could work it out to be with her (and i emphasize the word work, since i am still with, and love, min), fact is, AG's off the market at the moment. maybe not for good, and she has made it clear she is tempted by me, but for now, exploring that option is on hold.

however that does not change how i feel. *i* am not on hold -- i may be waiting, but i'm living my life. and i assure you, should i get a greenlight, things will change. granted that makes me nervous as shit. but this woman...she is so worth it.

and as i've already made quite clear, i can't help myself. so be it.


Dharma said...

Well I guessed what you meant by the last post. I totally get it. Though some songs will *always* be about one person, for me anyway.

You know, it's okay to have those feelings and do nothing. Really. Most of us have someone like that somehwere in our lives. At least for some period of time. Sometimes it fades completely, sometimes it comes and goes. It does not automatically change anything about your relationship (in this case with Mim). Just some thoughts.

heather said...

thanks for the perspective. actually i have had that happen too, the coming and going. it will be interesting to see where this one goes.