moving towards the truth, part II

ok so when your heroine left off... she was being an idiot for not talking to her gf about how she felt. namely that she still wanted said gf, but also wanted a new girl in addition.

this is where i think i messed up big time. the not talking. min says that if we'd talked then, maybe we wouldn't still be together. that maybe because we have the 9.893 years of togetherness, it gives us the strength, foundation to make it through this. that at 6 months or so, we might've just broken up for good. an interesting point but naturally a hard one to call.

but i didn't say anything, and so i've spent those 9.893 years struggling with these feelings to varying degrees. sometimes i'd go months, maybe even a year or so without too much trouble, and it was relatively easy to keep those feelings locked away.

however the last 3-4 years or so have been an exception. min and i almost broke up a few years back, i can't believe i can't remember why right now. but i do know we were fighting a lot, feeling like it was pointless to talk about difficult things because we felt we knew how the other person would react, so what was the point? well we tried to make agreements that we wouldn't assume we knew how the other person would react, to hear them out and to talk even if we were sure the other person wouldn't take it well.

that went...okay. it got a little better but didn't take long before it was back to usual, for the most part. i can't speak for min of course, but i can certainly attest to the fact that i was a big time offender in this department. it felt like both of us kind of pulled back a bit around then.

then a little over 2 years ago min started getting very ill. i have chronicled much of that in previous entries here. what i did NOT chronicle was the deterioration in our own relationship. like all slips toward damnation, it happened one day at a time. because of the extreme physical hardship min was under, she started retreating into herself, pulling away from work (and eventually left) and into a world focussed on her condition, going to see doctors about her condition, and the puppy. oh and me, although i only got to experience that for the brief time she was awake when i'd get home from work, or longer on the weekends. but still there was a lot of sleeping, not talking more than a few minutes at a time, and certainly almost nothing in the way of intimacy.

this is my POV naturally. at least to some degree, i believe this is how min sees it as well. but, because of all this, i suppose it was natural i'd end up enamored with someone new. i mean even if i didn't already have this tendency to get attracted to other people, this slow, quiet suffocating of our relationship probably would've led me down that path anyway. and so it was that i actually fell in love with another woman.

note that i did not say i was just attracted to her. i was full on in love. and note, i say WAS. i am not in love with her now, although i do love her as a friend. several times over the last year and a half i tried to force myself out of love with her. pull myself away, try to interact more with min, all those things i said before. in february of this year, i realized that i was going to have to take drastic steps about this if i wanted to keep my relative sanity. so i yanked back in the extreme. it took several weeks, and lots of little STFU-type reminders to keep me from ruining myself. i could feel her pulling away, and it killed me, but it worked - she drive me crazy no more.

and in the meantime, i'd like to say that in about january, i realized i was also getting attracted to another girl, we'll call her AG (anonymous girl). so for a while, i wanted min (well, to work things out), the woman in the previous paragraph, and AG. three at a time was new for me, but there you go.

and that's it for today because a) this is long enough and b) clearwaste has finished updating my view. tune in next time for another exciting installment of Heather's Wide World of Insanity!