monday morning. min was last seen exiting stage left. i finish in the bathroom and go out to find a note from min - addressed to lori - saying that she couldn't stay (they were going to go to santa cruz) and hoped lori understood. well that could mean anything so i woke lori up. she wasn't really sure either so i tried calling their sister wilma. turns out min had called, and had been asked to call our VM and leave current phone numbers, so that min could call her back. we took this as a good sign that she would be returning to the house (no remote retrieval). i decided to work from home that day so i could be there when she got back - and sure enough she did, around 1130.
thus begins the super high drama portion of the day. she wouldn't talk to me at all. ignored what i said. i kept talking though, following her. followed into the bedroom where she was packing up clothes etc for herself. then she takes two of our framed pictures off the wall and smashes them against the bed/floor/etc. also a pic of herself that i had framed. so there's glass everywhere and both lori and i are getting freaked out, because this is not safe. i take pearl away (put her in her kennel, took her out of the room) because i am NOT letting her hurt the dog. all during this there's lots of yelling. by the time i get back to the bedroom, min's running out of the house and takes off again in the car.
she came back about 10 minutes later. she is calmer now, but still very angry and hurt. wants to know if i intend to work things out with her, do i really love her. i said i want to work it out but that i really just don't know if we could. i can't tell the future. but i don't know if i have enough left to make it work.
she goes into the living room with lori and they start talking. there is more talking for about an hour, again me trying to explain that i am willing to try to work it out and not see anyone else for now. again her not hearing that, just hearing what i'd said *at the very beginning and not since*, which was that i wanted the open relationship and to be with this other person. and round and round we go.
around 1 they left because min had a dentist appt. meantime i got to spend over an hour cleaning up the glass so that no animals or humans could be harmed in the walking of the bedroom. if i remember right i also got an affirmative (re: dating) from AG around here.
anyway, i got the feeling lori and min must've had some good talks during their trip because by the time min got home around 530, she was much calmer. still upset of course but calmer.
she wanted to talk about what her options were. some options i'm not going to discuss, because believe it or not, there are things i'm not willing to share. but at any rate, the final option was actually trying to *fight* for me, for our relationship.
she said what is it about me that you love? then, don't love? like what's changed for you? i said, some of this is about long term issues and no change in you. but the rest, i realized after having a minute to think, is that i felt like she's not the same person i fell in love with. SHE had changed, withdrawn into this shell of a person. and i know why, it's because she's just hanging on, trying to survive her illness. but, she'd still taken an inward spiral towards less interaction with me. and sure, it's not like she never talked to me, or was never joyful, but mostly things focussed on her health, or cooking/house issues/puppy. i tried talking to her about other things sometimes, but often she just didn't have it in her, and so in turn, we didn't have too much to talk about any more.
and she got it. she's like, you're right, i have changed. i started turning into your parents (house-bound folks obsessed with their own ailing health). and i love you so much, i want to be with you so much, i can't believe i forgot to show you. and so she comes closer and starts to give me a kiss.
and she comes in with a kiss that was so great and so weird that i'll probably never forget it. it was great because it was just hot and led to a several hour sex bonanza. but it was weird in that within an instant i thought, oh…THIS is what it's like to kiss her like that! because it had been SO LONG since we had kissed so passionately, that i forgot what it was like.
a few minutes later i started crying because of that. and then she did, because she felt so horrible about it.
we talked about that some more between bouts of monkeyness and more crying. so much crying, on both our parts. but overall, the evening it was a good start to trying to be more honest, more joyful, and admitting what we need or don't.
a key issue was needing to spend some time working on getting our relationship better, going to a therapist, etc, before bringing others in. that's 100% fair and in retrospect, i feel like a complete fucking ass for bringing it up before we sought therapeutic help. or i guess to be more precise:
- since last monday, min and i have talked, laughed, cried, loved and gone out to do fun activities more than we have in a looooong time. more on that next time.
- despite what i said before, i think i do have enough love for min to work things out. in the last week, i have seen more of the min i fell in love with. and that it makes me really hopeful
- even though that's filling me up with so much more happiness - for both of us - that doesn't mean that i'm not sad about missing out on AG.
- and on that note, AG wrote to me earlier today to clarify it's not that she didn't want me, she just doesn't like the idea of having to share. ok fine, i don't like it but i can respect that. and even so, this changes nothing. there will be no dating of AG, probably ever. mostly i'm just happy to have not misread her as horribly as i thought. and i'm hoping that knowing this will help me to move on.
2 comments:
heather--good for you. i find that clearing the air is extremely helpful.
i've been on both ends of "not being able to hear what was said after the initial upsetting comment," so it's really good you recognized that's (part of) what was going on.
in the end, we all want to feel loved and safe and it's scary when we think we might lose that...
i am glad you are getting little glimpses of the min you fell in love with. i know it's been a hard journey for both of you.
both the ailing person and the support person have needs, and you can help each other, but you ultimately can't walk the other's path *for* them. you can walk hand in hand, though.
i am wishing you both all the best.
i also have a bit of advice for you two as you head to therapy and such, things that have served me well:
*remember the joyful times
*when things are rough, stop and ask yourself "what is this *really* about? what do i really want/need? what is she really asking/saying? what's the issue here and what (healthy) steps can i take *towards* the relationship rather than away from it? then do the hard things you need to do, whether it's listening, laughing or calling for a time out.
*take play breaks. let yourself have time where you don't talk about the problems, insecurities etc, and rather just enjoy each other's company. go for a short walk or to a movie. this has gotten t. and me through some hard stuff.
*practice letting go. you'll both need to forgive and move on if this is to work. always remember that you want to give each other another chance.
hugs for you!
thanks so much wen. really appreciate your thoughts. and the letting go/just having time not to talk about serious stuff just came up last night! hah.
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