i have a regular meeting with my manager. near the end of today's session, bosslady asked me about min, wanted more details of her condition(s), so i told her. the short version. about an hour later, on the way home, it hit me how exhausting it was just to TALK about all that. i felt the weight of it all on my chest and realized i sort of avoid this topic at work (except for liz sometimes) because of just that: it's tiring.
that's probably part of why i don't write about it much here anymore, either. i don't usually think about it too much, but the truth is that all of this medical stuff alone is a lot to deal with, even as the observer i am. granted that's nothing compared to what m goes through, but still.
then it occurred to me that it is no wonder i am getting more and more grey hair. about a year ago, i found my first grey hair. kinda tripped me out. saturday i noticed that now i have quite a bit of it. it's subtle - because of my sorta strawberry blonde hair, the grey can be hard to see. but there are a few patches -- right temple, left forehead -- where there is now a substantial amount of grey weaving itself in.
at this rate i'd think that by next summer, i'll have full-on grey patches, and the thought of that is more than a little disconcerting. the fact is, compared to my sister and mom, i'm very lucky. mom went completely silver by the time she was 18, white by 20, and my sister started getting serious grey in her 20's.
but of course, the really silly part is that i feel vain about this at all. on *other* people i actually like grey hair. it looks distinguished, i like how it glitters, whatever. but...me? i guess i'm just sad to see my little rainbow fade. i started off platinum blonde, then golden, then strawberry. i had hoped, like my paternal and maternal grandfathers before me, i would then migrate to an illustrious red, which then would go straight to grey.
as a longtime lover of auburn tresses, skipping this option annoys me. sure, i could color my hair. i don't want to. if nothing else, i'm too low-maintenance in this area. see now we're in the vain category again. my mom and sister both color their hair, and i guess i've been a little proud i never needed to. in response to many a hairdresser's query i've replied, 'no, i don't color my hair; it changes all by itself'.
and it's changing again, but now it just makes me feel old (which, at 34, i am not). but i do feel tired, and not just because it is nearing midnight. some frustrations have been weighing on me more than usual. there's been some good in the last week too, but... thank goodness we're going on holiday soon. i need some solid time drinking in the ocean air. i want to wake up windburned and happy. i want to dream of one blue while sailing into another. and i want those big puffy clouds to shoo away all my other cares, if only for a little while.