Monday, May 21, 2007

changing palates

i have a regular meeting with my manager. near the end of today's session, bosslady asked me about min, wanted more details of her condition(s), so i told her. the short version. about an hour later, on the way home, it hit me how exhausting it was just to TALK about all that. i felt the weight of it all on my chest and realized i sort of avoid this topic at work (except for liz sometimes) because of just that: it's tiring.

that's probably part of why i don't write about it much here anymore, either. i don't usually think about it too much, but the truth is that all of this medical stuff alone is a lot to deal with, even as the observer i am. granted that's nothing compared to what m goes through, but still.

then it occurred to me that it is no wonder i am getting more and more grey hair. about a year ago, i found my first grey hair. kinda tripped me out. saturday i noticed that now i have quite a bit of it. it's subtle - because of my sorta strawberry blonde hair, the grey can be hard to see. but there are a few patches -- right temple, left forehead -- where there is now a substantial amount of grey weaving itself in.

at this rate i'd think that by next summer, i'll have full-on grey patches, and the thought of that is more than a little disconcerting. the fact is, compared to my sister and mom, i'm very lucky. mom went completely silver by the time she was 18, white by 20, and my sister started getting serious grey in her 20's.

but of course, the really silly part is that i feel vain about this at all. on *other* people i actually like grey hair. it looks distinguished, i like how it glitters, whatever. i guess i'm just sad to see my little rainbow fade. i started off platinum blonde, then golden, then strawberry. i had hoped, like my paternal and maternal grandfathers before me, i would then migrate to an illustrious red, which then would go straight to grey.

as a longtime lover of auburn tresses, skipping this option annoys me. sure, i could color my hair. i don't want to. if nothing else, i'm too low-maintenance in this area. see now we're in the vain category again. my mom and sister both color their hair, and i guess i've been a little proud i never needed to. in response to many a hairdresser's query i've replied, 'no, i don't color my hair; it changes all by itself'.

and it's changing again, but now it just makes me feel old (which, at 34, i am not). but i do feel tired, and not just because it is nearing midnight. some frustrations have been weighing on me more than usual. there's been some good in the last week too, but... thank goodness we're going on holiday soon. i need some solid time drinking in the ocean air. i want to wake up windburned and happy. i want to dream of one blue while sailing into another. and i want those big puffy clouds to shoo away all my other cares, if only for a little while.


Kelly said...

When my mother started to go gray, I begged her not to dye it. I said it looked great (and it still does). However, as soon as the gray started to pop up on my head, I freaked. First, I started highlighting and now I cover the gray.

Stress has probably conributed to the gray hairs you're seeing, Heather. I hope that the sress gets better at some point. A little holiday should help. Hang in there!

heather said...

thanks for letting me know i'm not crazy for taking this personally. compared to a year, or even two years ago, my stress level is a lot better. i'm trying to make moves so that the next year will see a further reduction, so maybe i can thwart future hair transformation! on the other hand, maybe i'll learn to like it. :-o

wen said...

my hair was changeable too--went from light blonde to dirty blonde to used to change by itself between winter/summer so i always looked like i was growing out a color job in the winter. but nope...

regardless of what you do with the gray, i hope your stress continues to diminish.

what are you doing for vacation? sounds like some water's involved!

heather said...

thanks wen! we're trekkin down to cambria. =)

Dharma said...

I totally get the gray thing. I have more than I like even though TGF is at least half gray and won't stop colouring. I compromised lately by semi-permanent colour that no else notices. Perfect!

heather said...

well of course by outing yourself, the next time i see you, i will be trying to notice. ;-)

Wyatt's Mom said...

I've been gray since the age of 18. And I've earned every damn one of 'em gray hairs! And it sounds like so have you.

I don't know which is better for you-talking about it or not- I get the feeling that if you do talk - it releases something in you. If you want to blog more about it, I'm all ears, eyes

heather said...

wow just like my mom. yeah, i earned all my grey hair, no shit. i hope you didn't earn yours.

and, you're so sweet. thanks karen =)