another record-breaker

2+ weeks i went without daydreaming about AG. and with as oddly as this jaunt started, i have to wonder if it's all really about her, or me being in love with the idea of being with her. with the idea of being a free agent.

because in the end, i know i don't want to be free. i want to be tethered. to feel that connection to another person...to know the whole of them. and i want them connected to me. sure, i can be hard to get to know (deeply) and anyone reading this blog knows me better than most. but really, i crave that intimacy more than almost anything. my mind, my skin aches for it. and apparently, with more than one person.

which i guess makes it hard when, for various reasons, that deep and abiding, playful and light, utterly rapturous connection to another soul is somehow diminished. diminished by choice, by inaction, by accident...whatever the reason, it's still no small act of torture to witness your emotional states forming a human pretzel. then again i always did love gymnastics.

i could be in a worse way. but today, i'm hating the fact that i'm so easy to push around. i'm hating my need. i'm hating the fact that just thinking about AG has me all a dither. hating that really - and with good reason - i don't think i matter that much to her. why should i? i'm not really in her life.

i'm hating the fact that things are still so difficult with min at times. hating that she's so sick that it takes all her strength to keep it together. hating what that's done and will continue to do to our relationship on so many levels.

and i guess finally, i'm hating that i'm not smart enough to figure all this shit out without fucking up my life. our lives. oh sure, a wise person would say, it's about the journey, growth can only come from struggle. yes that's true. i didn't say i wasn't smart. i'm just not always wise.

good thing we see the therapist on saturday. i need shirley mcclaine, or someone, to help me channel this stupid angst into something more productive. please.