Tuesday, June 27, 2006

hello out there

yes i am still alive and breathing. some of the breathing has been a bit labored lately because i've been fighting off a bizarre throat infection/flu, the treatment of which has induced extreme dizziness and (as mentioned previously) occasional difficulty in breathing. woo. but today is the last day for Stupid Medication. has made it really fun trying to finish a complicated work project i've had. what? file doesn't validate with tons of garbage characters in it? the nerve!

in other news things have been really difficult at home the last few weeks. they are a bit better now, but that's as random as anything else. which is to say:
  • min has been pretty ill (more than normal) the last month or so
  • because of that she's taken more meds, including some we agreed she wouldn't take anymore because they made her too wacky
  • apparently she also took them because she was so depressed about us and just wanted to sleep and not feel as much emotional OR physical pain

in other words it was psuedo-suicide (albeit temporary, and i got to deal with the side effects, which i will not elaborate on here for (hah) brevity). min would probably not like i'm saying all this, but it's the truth and she told me before to be brutally honest in here. this actually is not brutal truth, but it is sharing more than before. anyway, i am very happy to report she is seeing her own therapist today. hopefully that goes well.

but the rest... i don't know what to do about all this. i'm stuck. i'm still pissed that she took these meds, particularly since this was the 4th time to do so (post-promise of never taking them again).

also i hate that she felt things were going so badly that she felt the need to do this. i had been under the impression that things were going alright. we were working on things, communicating a bit better. i don't know if she was just despairing that we would never be able to go back to a "happily" monogamous relationship or if it was more than that. i do know that topic causes her great despair. to which i can only say/have said: maybe we can get there. it's a goal we're working toward, because i love you and you come first in my life.

but apparently that is not enough to keep her from doing stuff like this. if anyone has ideas on how to deal with this situation, lay it on me. i want to be loving and supportive but also not get walked all over. things have been better the last week (she stopped those meds about a week ago) but to be honest i don't trust this won't happen again.

in other drama, sunday i saw AG. i'm going to leave it at that for details but let's just say that it threw me for a loop in a way i did not expect. even now i'm getting teary just thinking about it. sheesh! pathetic. anyway, i didn't think i was over her...god no. but, maybe 75% over? so sunday's intense reaction stunned me.

there was some additional AG heartwrenching a few weeks ago, at which point (several days later) i realized that tho excruiciating, this was good because it was helping me move on. so, la de da, i'm being good and not talking to her, time passes... i'm good, yeah?

yeah no. seeing her sunday completely fucked me up again. i've been blown away by how much she's gotten under my skin. but hopefully a difference this time is: i really REALLY believe we are through, that we are under no circumstances ever going to happen. even if min and i go all kinds of crazy polywhatever, i'm never hooking up with AG. that's just the way it is.

not that she doesn't find me charming in a way, but *we* are just not in the stars. and i hate it. but i'm trying to move on.

oh and meantime be a good wife to the woman who DOES love me dearly. bet you can guess how i'm doing on that.

so much for not whining. wen, you should've never encouraged me. ;-p but you can see why i've needed to take a break for a bit.

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