stranger than fiction

that is the name of the movie i just saw. with the oh so divine emma thompson. i have loved her for a long time, but my god. i forget how much until i see her again. they can try to make her look rough - no makeup, baggy clothes, unkempt hair - but she's still beautiful beautiful. with the most delectable accent.

i chose this movie over babel because i felt i needed a comedy. and indeed, stranger than fiction is a comedy. starring buster! but it is also decidedly dramatic and thought-provoking.

without giving away the story, i'll say the movie is about emma thompson and will ferrell's characters' struggle with life. how we humans affect each other, our decision making. fate is a nice idea, but we're really rather interconnected when it comes to our choices.

i was walking to my car afterwards and thinking, this movie makes me want to be a writer. a real (fiction) writer. makes me want to embrace passion, whatever my passion is. admittedly i can be fuzzy on that, but anyway i'm feeling energized, and then i hear this guy behind me, talking about how the movie was ok but not really great, too predictable, etc.

i thought, dude, you've missed the point. if you just look at the surface, then yes, it may seem flat. but really it was about the decisions we make, why we make them and what kind of person do we want to be.

and so as i was driving home i thought, what kind of person DO i want to be? am i being that person now? and i thought about the ways that i have been different since min left. she's been gone a little over a month now and some differences that come to mind are:

- i weigh a little less (hey, start with the easy)
- i'm wearing/have bought slightly nicer - and edgier - clothes
- i hate work more now
- i've been more depressed, especially the last 2 weeks
- i'm listening to more jazz and classical. i tend to listen to bluesy jazz when i'm depressed or pensive, and classical when i'm feeling brainy...or pensive. for instance on the way home tonight. :-p
- i've been far more interested in gallavanting, and have gallavanted, in new ways

i would imagine those are the main things but that's actually quite a list for only a few weeks. in any case, especially in light of the movie, it makes me think perhaps i really do have a serious change brewing. granted i've been job hunting, and toying with the idea of moving (out of state) but those are all huge puffy clouds of possibility. i have no idea how things will actually go, what kind of job i will transition to, whether a move will be required, and so on.

but i confess, i love the idea of a huge change. i think i need it, in more ways than one. i'm sure to some degree i love it because i have so many things i want to escape, to start fresh with, to retry. things that are difficult to do when you're in your Usual.

i'm flashing now to how i was with my ex, in tennessee, reserved in public. and then later, when i was with min, in montana, and how incredibly open i was. naturally i could've been that open in tennessee. nothing stopped me...except myself. i felt like i was one person there, and got to be a new person in the new place. and i was. people say you can't run away from yourself and i buy that to some degree. but you can take a moment to redefine yourself, because you realize you NEED to change, and then be that person from then on.

and that's what i did. so i can do it again. i guess the question is, what do i want, feel i need, to change?

i have several ideas on that but burning tonight is the movie's reminder of why i love writing: the power of words, the power of creativity. i need to let more of that out, and more often. i've always felt like i have these stories inside of me but can't get them out. i sense them there, under the surface, taunting me. although i don't know how i'll let them out yet, i look forward to their arrival. someday.

east bay experiment

last saturday was a wonderful experiment in going out on my own and having a great time. during the week i'd heard about several things i wanted to check out in berkeley, so i decided to make a day of it. plus an evening activity in the city! so:

first up was maven fair, an extremely delightful but far too tiny craft fair. it's happening again in 2 weeks and if you want excellent women-made gifts for the holidays (or whatever), i highly recommend going. even though they only filled one room, there was an abundance of adorable stuff and i had a difficult time narrowing down to some handmade cards and a delightfully wicked necklace with a retro pinup girl (with a rifle!) on it. so awesome.

yet another craft fair was on my agenda, this one a little bigger but actually not quite as interesting, ultimately. however i did get a cool ceramic piece with a rabbit on it.

next on the horizon: rock climbing! since i didn't know how big indian rock really was, i thought i should get some nourishment for afterwards. on my way to the Most Perfect Cupcake Ever, i checked out a cute dog store, adorable stationery shop, and a few other places. really adorable section of town, must return.

with my cupcake at the ready, i headed up to indian rock. there are some seriously narrow streets up that way! and so convoluted, i almost got lost but thankfully the street i ended up on went right to the park. i knew ahead of time that there were steps in the rock so i went up the first set i saw.

note, that picture is not of the first set. no, the set i went up stopped after about 5 steps, then you had to freestyle it. um. ok. i tried a couple of different routes -- i could see people at the top! -- but since i had plans for later, and it was getting *really* treacherous, i stopped after about 5 minutes and climbed back down. i went around to my left...a few more steps, but then similarly difficult route. i kept hearing a mom talk to her small son: honey, it's ok that you can't climb to the top, don't worry.

yeah no kidding! i climbed back down to get out of their way and decided to go around to the other side. snapped a shot of the impending sunset, turned around and lo and behold, there were the steps that led to the top! immediately i scampered up and after i'd enjoyed the *seriously* incredible vistas, snapped a few more shots with my phone.

incidentally, indian rock, not really that tall. but since i had That Cupcake anyway and was starting to feel a bit hungry, went ahead and ate it. oh my.

next up was killing a bit of time til my nighttime event. i'd thought about seeing a movie at bay street emeryville, but since i was running a little late (for that), i opted to shop there a bit (always been curious about that place) and grab dinner at asqew grill. we'd been to the one in the marina district before - yum yum. once again i was scouring for pants. and the old navy there was having an awesome half off their clearance sale. however, no go.

fit of mass consumerism complete, i headed to the city. it'd been a long time since i took the bay bridge at night. i forgot how pretty the bay/city night lights are. anyway, made my way over to the make out room (awesome name, eh?) for writers with drinks. had a smatter of queer and other writers reading from their works.

sound a bit boring? well it wasn't. the host, which thanks to the internet i now know is charlie anders, was HILARIOUS. and one of the writer/readers, madeleine robins, was so amazing i bought one of her books immediately afterwards. i never do that. especially considering the genre, kind of historical mystery, but the excerpt from petty treason was absolutely hysterical. and brilliant! oh, oh so smart. so i knew i must make it mine.

after this, it was late, i was tired and headed home. it was a good day. :-)

a pregnant pause

i really did intend my next post to be about last saturday, but this was too special not to share first.

today i went up to the 3rd floor (party floor) to get me some dr. pepper. while i'm putting dr. p into my lunch bag, a cleaning woman (cw) says to me:

you lose weight?
me: yep
cw: ahh.
cw: you have the baby, yes? (motions with her hands to create a large belly)
me: (staring oddly) no…
cw: oh?
me: no, i didn't have a baby.
cw: oh… (looks sad)
me: (does she think i LOST a baby?) no, it's ok, i wasn't pregnant.
cw: oh...ok.

naturally i have heard of overweight women being inappropriately asked if they were pregnant (when's your baby due?? oops!). however i have never heard of the reverse -- someone who's lost weight, and people assumed they WERE pregnant, and then ask about the baby.

and i gotta tell ya, the whole thing - a little surreal.

toe-tingling action

i just spent almost 2 hours roller skating. again. woo!

i also have "boogie nights" looping in my head. as i start feeling sleepy it starts over again, almost like it's trying to scare me. BOOgie nights!

i'm exhausted but happily so because i had fun. but part of me also feels a little sad because i'm remembering the conversations i've had lately regarding hockey. and for the record those are connected because there's something called roller hockey, in case you ice fiends didn't know. ;-)

why would thinking about hockey make me feel sad? because i can't do it. and how do i know that? because a year and a half ago, i tried at one of the infamous GHATD sessions.

i never blogged about it because i was so goddamn upset over how it went down. you have no idea how much i wanted to play. even though i couldn't (can't) really ice skate, i was supremely motivated because i realized it would be a fabulous way for me to a) make friends and b) lose weight.

granted i've worked out the weight part another way. but the friends thing, that's tough. i'm not really that good at it (in general) and even worse, i'm picky. i need friends who are interesting, funny, smart, or some combination thereof. try as i might, i just can't be tight with people who are all about getting drunk and hollering. not that i don't enjoy drinking or hollering on occasion, but as a career it's not my deal.

back to hockey. so the short version of What Went Wrong is that i have a hidden disability (ick), if you will, that among other things, makes it extremely difficult for me to regulate my temperature, especially the heat. this is partially due to several surgeries for this condition, resulting in partial lymph node removals. anyway. a good 10 minutes after i finally made it onto the ice, i knew i was in trouble. because the gear was snugly covering up a good 75% of me, my heat index was going off the charts.

i can be very stubborn when i want. so i kept at it, hoping it would pass, that i was just sweating profusely because i was getting my bearings. after another 10 minutes, i had to call it and skate away, because i couldn't see. an unstoppable river was pouring off my head and into my eyes, and after 20 minutes of that, i blurrily - and angrily - made my way back to the bench and started taking off the gear. of course i immediately started feeling better, once my skin could breathe, but i was crabby beyond belief. i was glad i didn't really know anyone at that point (liz and andrea had left) because i wouldn't have been good company.

later i talked with liz about gear alternatives, but i could tell that basically, nothing was going to work for me. that kind of (skin) confined sportsmanship is just not for me. far as i can tell, that also relates to roller hockey, which my sister suggested the other day. i looked into the gear some...it would probably be a *little* better, but not much.

and i hate that. i hate that there is something about my body that's preventing me from doing what i want. what i know that i could otherwise do. i think that with experience i'd have become an awesome hockey player. but i'll never get to find out what that's like, and that sucks.

</rant >
as much as i hate this, there are such worse things i could have in my life, and i know it. for starters, at least i have use of all my limbs, so i can get out there like i did tonight. oh and, my skin condition is SO much better than it used to be. 90% of the time my only awareness of it is a daily medication, and believe me i'm incessantly grateful for that. but i guess, i finally felt ready to write about all this, so i went for it.

and really, i'll try to make my next post about last weekend and the fun i had. been too busy at work!

from the this-isn't-really-a-surprise department

Your results:
You are Data

Data 71% Deanna Troi 70% An Expendable Character (Redshirt) 70% Spock 69% Geordi LaForge 65% Will Riker 65% Beverly Crusher 55% Jean-Luc Picard 55% James T. Kirk (Captain) 50% Uhura 45% Chekov 45% Leonard McCoy (Bones) 45% Worf 40% Mr. Scott 30% Mr. Sulu 25%

Even though you are a genius you are always striving to be better.

Click here to take the "Which Star Trek character am I?" quiz...


thanks, samantha, for encouraging my quiz sickness! ;-)

heaven in a cupcake

i'll write more about my day of (good) adventure tomorrow, or monday when i imagine i'll upload my pics to flickr, but for now i have to say:

the most amazing food EVER graced my mouth this afternoon. what was it? it was a PB affair cupcake from love at first bite up in bezerkley.

their definition of PB affair: devil's food chocolate cake frosted with peanut butter buttercream, topped with Reese's peanut buttercup

my definition: OH. MY. GOD.

seriously. if you are ever up that way, you must go. it's cheap and, as i said in my headline, it's heaven in a cupcake.

finally, some good news

i take so much comfort in the fact that i'm a word nerd.

Your Vocabulary Score: A

Congratulations on your multifarious vocabulary! You must be quite an erudite person.

How's Your Vocabulary?

bubbles' roundup

before i forget and get lost in this entirely-too-long entry, thanks to everyone who voted on the wallpaper! i think ultimately i'll go back to laura ingalls, because she's just adorable, but for the moment i actually have this tiled because i found it when i was trying to restore laura. and that amused me even MORE.

tonight i hear only the sounds of the keyboard and the laundry machine. what's so different about that? haven't i been alone for weeks? no, because from last thursday to today, i had visitors. ok fine it was family but still, i was glad to have some company.

and who visited was my sister, brother-in-law...and their new male companion. that's right -- a triad are they. and in related family news, while my sister was here she told me that when my parents were younger (when i was less than 3 or so) THEY WERE POLY.

good grief. no wonder this shit has come up for me, even though i've never heard my parents talk about it. for obvious reasons i've talked with my sister about it quite a bit. despite her impudence, she's actually very thoughtful and smart. just like me! sometimes.

anyway, the four of us had a great time! friday i introduced them to pepper lunch and toffee crack. friday night we played one of my most favorite games, beyond balderdash. or as liz called it when i described it to her: NUTS, the board game.

i really like that. anyway some of our fake answers are too good not to share:

mehari: a japanese device used to insert frosting into shellfish
poppism: philosophy centered in the belief that mary poppins is the most righteous bitch around
yeevil: something so evil, you just have to say yes

we kept working in these words the rest of the weekend. especially yeevil and the shellfish frosting. damn. and no i can't tell you what the real definitions are! besides, i like ours better.

saturday we mostly chilled -- watched some movies, etc. sunday we went to santa cruz. had some decent seafood, spent too much money at logos, accessorized our phones, and i tried YET AGAIN (more on that later) to find some new pants. i did not succeed, however i did get a cheap winter shirt at urban outfitters.

after killing half a day downtown we needed some food. they wanted to go somewhere cheap but filling. hmm. santa cruz diner sucks. i forgot about denny's but did remember lyon's in capitola. yes, the one of Stuffed Toy Armadillo fame!

off we went, and damn if the food wasn't slower than clearcase. however, once we got it, it was surprisingly tasty and one entree included unlimited french fries. all you can eat! and because we got busy playing the adult mad libs i scored at urban o, there was so, so much french fry consumption. and giggling. we must've been there almost three hours between the slow service and mad libs.

monday they were due to leave, but got wrapped up in laundry and other stuff so decided to move their departure to today. which was great because, since i had a shitty day monday, they took me to sonoma chicken coop for dinner. that place is so yummy, both the food and the atmosphere, that it really did help.

monday was stressful for a lot of reasons but since this post is getting long enough, i'll only mention one stressor: min's car rental. let's just say, the date of her return is wrong and they're being assholes about it. hello, she tried to correct the date with you before she left, and she's in minnesota now so you're not getting your car back tomorrow. but enough on that. i should be winding down. :-p

so, the pants thing -- recently i hit the 85-lb loss mark. go me! the downside is that all but one pair of my pants are too big. naturally i've had some warning on this, so for the last, hmm, 2 weeks i've been looking for replacements. went to target, kohls, old navy, urban outfitters and somewhere else i think. NOBODY had the right size -- either too small, too big, or my favorite -- too long. yeah i am not tall, i get that. but do all the pants have to be for giants??

over the weekend i had the idea to go to macy's. a real department store. i mentioned this to min, lover of thrift stores, today and so of course she said, go to the thrift store!

well it's a good thing i did, because otherwise i'd have gotten no pants tonight! but i did find one pair that worked, thank goodness. since i was determined to have more than two pairs total, i then went to both macy's at valley fair, zooming around because it was almost 9pm already and they closed at 930.

the guy's AND women's sections were a total bust. however - get this - the juniors section was not. anyway, wow, they have a shitload of jeans in their jrs section. so i took ten billion pairs to try on...and a few of them did fit. but they also looked so friggin stupid because apparently (i don't spend time looking at kids enough) The Look is to have jeans fit great at the waist, be almost skintight from your thigh to part of your calf and then bell out like bananas at the ankle.

yeah that is not my look.

the good news (i HOPE) is that, i'm a size smaller than i realized. so i think i'm going to try target again and troll more thrift stores this weekend. if anyone out there knows of good stores (SF to east bay, or even santa cruz) please gimme holler. i reeeeeally would like to get another 2 pairs and be done. :-)

and with that, i'm done for now. go grab a cookie or something, a reward for reading this whole entry!

decisions, decisions

today liz and i were talking and somehow an old favorite came up. when i saw it over on her second monitor, i thought: that would make a great wallpaper!

i had that up, and it was nice. but then i remembered a newer goodie and thought, hmmmm. would that be too much as a wallpaper?

at first glance, the choice seems obvious -- hamster. but as i was thinking about it, i brought up another window and only got slivers of laura smiling at me.

such a tough decision now. adorable hamster or adorable child star? please feel free to vote via comments.

damn

sometimes i forget just HOW tasty the Toffee Crack is. until i have it again, and the first thing i do is moan. just a little one, but to be sure, it happens.

i love you, TC!

97% agree!

i just redid the openness quiz to reflect how i was tonight, and i got a 43%. i would've said 45%, but hey, that's still an improvement!

so tonight i went to a game night put on by BACW. it was at the president's house (i didn't know that until i left, when i was thanking her for hosting). it started at 4pm and to be honest, i figured i'd leave after a couple hours, tops.

but no, i was there until a little after 11. that's right, look at me! at a stranger's house for 6+ hours. having a good time! seriously. there ended up being 1 woman i knew, another one i'd met once (and we talked a bunch tonight) and a couple other women i got to know fairly well. which is of course, why i upped my ranking because i was all chatty and shit. rock on.

i attempted to learn the rules of euchre using my powers of observation with input from the experts. good grief that game is complicated. rather than trying to play though, i just watched, giggled, had super-awesome tri-tip, and later won some rounds of texas hold 'em. oh! and a partners game of pool, in which my partner got almost everything in, but i sucked...until the very end, when i got the last stripe AND the 8 ball in one shot.

which is like i always say: when i'm good at pool, i'm really good. but when i suck - wow, do i suck.

at any rate, i had a good time. as you could probably tell. :-)

and now back to being silly

i don't actually like this flavor that much but the description...well, i'm posting this aren't i? that says it all.

You Are a Powdered Devil's Food Donut

A total sweetheart on the outside, you love to fool people with your innocent image. On the inside you're a little darker, richer, and more complex. You're a hedonist who demands more than one pleasure at a time. Decadent and daring, you test the limits of human indulgence.

What Donut Are You?

on being efficient

so that last post. what's up with me crying and being vague? aren't we past that? we're back to mostly innocuous and silly posts, right?

well that's mostly right. because although it's been over a month since my last serious relationship post, and over 2 months since i've posted about AG, the fact is that in the meantime, both of those things have still been Issues, to varying degrees.

um. i thought you were over AG? or at least enough.

yeah me too. and while bit by bit, i suspected i was losing the fight, it wasn't until this last week that i realized the truly profound nature of my feelings.

what was the trigger, you say?

well i'll tell you. recently AG and i got to talking. not about anything in particular, really. just talking. and then, without hardly any provocation (on both sides, different times) we totally started flirting.

um. hi. flirting? i thought that was verboten with her?

no shit. so it didn't go on for very long, thank you very much. but within a few days i was thinking about her all the time again. wtf?

and then i realized:
- i was remembering how much i enjoyed - and missed - our delightfully witty, mildly lascivious banter from the days of yore.
- oops. i have been letting this need slide again.
- how getting to know her better, even on such nonromantic terms, was an incredible turn on. how every new thing i learned about her just endeared me to her further.
- how bloody mature she is. wow. she is a better woman than i.

oh and i forgot to say, in the last few months i've seen her a couple of times, as well. one time, there was this moment while we were standing next to each other, waiting for our ice cream (same kind, natch). we were so close, our arms were lightly touching. it was noisy around us but we were quiet...waiting. and i thought: this is heaven. this is heaven being right here, next to her, doing something as simple as getting a treat.

so it should be no surprise that after all this, i realized that i was done. she is there, in my heart, for good. and while this certainly doesn't make my life any easier, it is what it is and i can't really deny it any more.

now, what to do about it? that's another matter. while i could work it out to be with her (and i emphasize the word work, since i am still with, and love, min), fact is, AG's off the market at the moment. maybe not for good, and she has made it clear she is tempted by me, but for now, exploring that option is on hold.

however that does not change how i feel. *i* am not on hold -- i may be waiting, but i'm living my life. and i assure you, should i get a greenlight, things will change. granted that makes me nervous as shit. but this woman...she is so worth it.

and as i've already made quite clear, i can't help myself. so be it.

the queen of efficiency

i really love it that as i was driving home today, a song on the radio made me start crying, because it made me think about someone. and that last year, when i heard that same song, it made me cry about someone else.

that is all.
(just being efficient)

apparently

i really have a knack for detecting stale chocolate. the first time this was brought to my attention was a few weeks ago, when liz offered me some chocolate-covered nutter butters.

that i promptly spit out and lightning-bolted the rest to the garbage, once i realized they were stale.

today, for the first time in eons, probably because i am in the midst of MHP (which is doing much better the last few months, thank you, thanks to a little medicine called yaz), i broke down and got some candy from the vending machine. when i vend i usually get something like m&m's because it feels like it lasts longer. there's so many of them!

but no, today i decided to go with a milky way. and with the first bite, i knew - STALE, STALE, STALE.

apparently my craving trumps the staleness, today, because i ate most of it. however: bleh.

i am in love

with The Colbert Report. i just started watching it a few weeks ago, by accident after the also-awesome-and-related The Daily Show.

i have decided that The Colbert Report kicks The Daily Show's ass. i mean, TDS - very amusing, witty, urbane, etc. i am very fond of you, TDS. but i'm afraid my heart belongs to the insanely hilarious Stephen Colbert, who does not just amuse me, but has me laughing out loud at least 4 or 5 times per show. i mean, do the math. that's a guaranteed home run every 4.888 minutes. how can you argue with that?

i doubled my political geekiness righteousness factor tonight by working on my absentee ballot for the november election during both shows. that's right. i think before i vote. i also giggle while i vote. and you can't take that away from me.

i leave you with a quote from the show tonight, which was their one year anniversary. and the quote is: "I know we've only been together a year, America, but I would still SO do you!"

i rest my case.

uppin' my geekhood

the last few days i've been trying to get someone else's code do what i want. and what i want is: when you type in a certain character into an input field, a graphic somewhere else on the page changes becomes somewhat transparent.

i knew this would a) be a smidge complicated and b) require both javascript and css. so i was pretty anxious about it because i hate javascript.

anyway, today i gave up on the home-grown code (which was similar to what i needed) and looked on Ye Olde Internet. lo and behold! i found similar code that actually worked! it just changed *something* on the page, mind you. i still had to figure out the whole opacity thing. because opacity is not an officially recognized css property…yet. take that!

of course that means, the solution takes 3 lines instead of 1, but so be it.

but voila! presto! it's ALIVE!!!

now i have to write the whole algorithm -- when blah, show blah (and also do blah, blah, and blah) for the various conditions this work has to cover -- and since i love js so much, that part will be a joy too. but oh, the really reeeeeally hard part is over (crosses fingers) and for that, i am very, very happy. and pleased with myself. :-)

SMS = Smut Message Service

since some of my readers are nerds (passionate about learning), geeks (passionate for the arcane) and dorks (experience social stumblation), i thought i would pass this bit of knowledge along. and i should know, i used to work for a wireless company.

love,
TechnoSherpa

may the thwarts be with you

today, nay, this week, has been a week of thwarting. most of it has been work-related but today, well, i had the thwartyness quintet. live and in person!

thwart#1
began my work saga at 730am. as posted earlier, i didn't get it completed by my scheduled departure time, and in fact, never did...from my POV. ultimately the movers came and i had to leave, taking my laptop with me, thus ending any attempt to work until monday (techincal issues).

while i was annoyed i couldn't finish, it was mitigated by the fact that a) i couldn't really do anything about this situation and b) i did get to have a little fun by meeting liz for lunch and some shopping at VF. hey, i HAD to leave work early!

thwart#2
i've been having a bra (sizing) crisis. since i was at the mall, i decided to look for a new one. seriously, so many stores, so few good options! finally, i found some ok ones at macy's, and was trying to decide between them. as i did this, i put on the bra i wore in today.

oh. that one feels sooooooo much better than all the other ones i tried on today. sigh. guess it's back to wallyworld for me, rock on.

incidentally, when i got home, i found out the delivery *did* complete, so my final thwart level for thwart#1 is only 50%. i reserve the right to up this if it turns out people were wrong about the delivery. :-p

thwart#3
again, since i was determined to have some fun tonight to make up for a difficult week, i planned to go out. to a queer comedy thing up in alameda. so i'm in the car, and immediately when i get on 680 (by my house) it's already backed up. hrm. i go 5 miles in about 15 minutes. i call 511. yeah guess what? the first 25 miles of your 40 mile trip has traffic going 5-15 mph. since i wouldn't have gotten to the event until way late, i bailed and came home. there's always something else, right?

thwart#4
decided to go to downtown san jose. thought there was a good movie playing at the camera 12, browse a bit, whatever. i get parked (WOW downtown gets packed friday nights!) at a garage, then head over to the theatre. yeah, i got the time wrong and no more showings tonight. in fact, there are no more shows. smooth. i noticed en route that most stores were closed so i head back to the car.

thwart#5
the car would not start. at all. i immediately called AAA for a jump. half hour? fine. meantime i go back to tell one of the attendants that i'll have to stay a bit longer, and will pay the extra afterwards.

another attendant, an older asian man, hops up: did you need a jump?
yes, that's why i called AAA.
oh, but you can call and cancel. i can do for you!
oh really?
yeah, i go get my car!

sure enough, there he was a few minutes later and we spent the next 10 minutes trying to get the car going. i do appreciate that someone was *trying* to look out for me... anyway, his guess was that it was either the starter, or the car was overheated (and indeed, it was very hot, considering) and i should try again in a while.

so i head back outside. saw a borders earlier, maybe that would be good. walk over...closed. wander a bit more...i'm getting hungry now. stopped in at mcdonalds for some offensively salty french fries. but still, it was a snack i needed. headed back towards the garage, trying to linger but not toooo much since it was nighttime, downtown, by myself. it's almost an hour later when i get to the car and try again.

no love. so, i called AAA again, and a VERY nice guy came and a) after examining the car, agreed it was probably the starter so b) towed it for me to the dealer and c) even called a cab for me en route, so that by the time we got to the dealership, i only had to wait 5 minutes, tops.

again, totally get that i have a little angel keeping watch over me, and am very grateful. but oh! the thwarting. and now, i get to look forward to spending money on the car. woooo. wasn't like i planned to meet min in portland for the last part of her trip or anything. :-p

ah well. things will work out, of course. they always do. but i am oh so glad it's the weekend. i hope this time weekend = an end to the kind of week i've had. cuz i need a big ol reset button.

that's me - lifeline material!

got an awesome test from dharma. much fun! for a geek like me of course.

Modern, Cool Nerd
56 % Nerd, 52% Geek, 26% Dork

For The Record:
A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

You scored better than half in Nerd and Geek, earning you the title of: Modern, Cool Nerd.

Nerds didn't use to be cool, but in the 90's that all changed. It used to be that, if you were a computer expert, you had to wear plaid or a pocket protector or suspenders or something that announced to the world that you couldn't quite fit in. Not anymore. Now, the intelligent and geeky have eked out for themselves a modicum of respect at the very least, and "geek is chic." The Modern, Cool Nerd is intelligent, knowledgable and always the person to call in a crisis (needing computer advice/an arcane bit of trivia knowledge). They are the one you want as your lifeline in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (or the one up there, winning the million bucks)!


and now, for the best part. the suggested tests:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Professional Wrestling
Love & Sexuality
America/Politics

i mean seriously, how did they know? roll those 4 together and you've got me!

and now for my 2nd favorite part: I'm 99% geekier, nerdier and dorkier than people my age, according to them.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

	You scored higher than 99% on nerdiness
	You scored higher than 99% on geekosity
	You scored higher than 99% on dork points

one bubbles to rule them ALL!

i loooooove clearcase! so. much.

in this case, i suspect the problem is really servers on crack, rather than clearcase, but - it's such an easy target. but the last 24 hours have been all about dealing with a last minute bug (ebf) and in a final attempt to wrap up a most tedious and error-prone cycle, i got this:

Resume deliver
FROM: stream "me"
TO: stream "cracka stream"
Do you wish to continue with this deliver operation? [no] yes
Are you sure you want to complete this deliver operation? [no] yes [FFS! deliver already!]

FATAL ERROR:
Stream locked. User hmoore is not allowed to deliver to cracka stream.
Please contact Release Management or Dev leads for this project to get approval.
Aborting ...
Unable to complete deliver.

GRRRRRRRRRRR. i got unlocked, but now the redelivery attempt is just. sitting. there.

oh! and the best part is, i'm supposed to be OOO by noon. like ten minutes ago. because we are being moved, en masse, to the next building over.

make that, GRRRRRRRRRrreat.

hold me back!

actually i hold back quite a bit. externally, anyway. what goes on in my head's another matter. thankfully there are no thought police...yet.

Your Lust Quotient: 70%

You are a very lustful person - and it sometimes gets the better of you! You know how to hold back, but you hardly ever do.

How Much Lust Do You Have?

me: 40% open

so, dharma and anyone else paying attention: yes, i was a little more open last night, at the shindig. that's why i bumped up my score 2 points. :-D

maybe it would've been more, but a) the event was so packed that it was hard to make small talk and b) not long after i got there, the started announcements and awards. so, a lot of listening going on.

but, i did talk briefly with a couple folks, and more importantly, met the woman who invited me. so i put in face time with the right person. :-)

incidentally i thought the event was (afterwards) at some kind of queer sports museum. well i'm checking again today and no, it was just a queer history museum, which is still cool, obviously. apparently right now they are running a sports exhibit and it was very nifty if small.

in case you wondered

yes, min really did leave on her trip. not on sunday like planned, but monday...in the evening! i know, surprised me too. her 2 day trip is now 2.5 days. or should be -- theoretically she's staying near phoenix tonight, and the first "stop" on her trip is tucson.

so am i living the life of a carefree bachelorette? hardly. but, i did have fun tonight by going roller skating. once again, i came home exhausted but happy. however i'm happy to report there were NO falls - go me!

tomorrow i have an event to go to that could lead to an interesting job for me. anyone reading before tomorrow night - send me your social butterfly mojo! if you've met me in person, you know i need it. to paraphrase liz, once i get to know someone, then it's a matter of getting me to shut up. but i need to unlock that door a little early tomorrow. hopefully i will bring the key with me.

buy it now!

you know you want it. limited time offer!

anyone making their own hits? if so please provide linkage. me needs amusements!

i really could've gone my whole life without this

for the first time ever, i just got stung by a wasp. all i was doing was taking pearl out for a breather, thank you very much, during which she did not pee even though she made it very clear she needed to go outside. fine. i'm back at my desk working a few minutes later and i feel this odd itching in my lower back.

scratch. whatever.

then it comes back again a few seconds later. wtf?

scratch scratch HEY isn't there something under my shirtAAAACK!

jumped up, freaking pearl out entirely both from the noise and, since she was sitting on my shoulders, sudden movement since i'd ungracefully ejected her onto the chair (sliding off my back). i ran into the bathroom, took of my shirt, didn't see anything but was already feeling a sharp pain. after a moment i saw a bit of blood.

checked the rest of my clothes thoroughly for an insect (since at that point i didn't know what had gotten me), then when i was satisfied my clothes were abomination-free, headed back towards my desk. and 5 feet from the computer, there was my attacker, squirming on the floor.

STOMP.

apologies of sorts to all you insect lovers, but i had to do it.

then i picked him up and determined: wasp. just to be sure i googled for images. i know, i'm a geek, but hey! i've never been bitten by bee, wasp, hornet, whatever. i had to check what to do for the right type of sting!

now i'm about to get off the internet and move me, my slightly throbbing back, my ice pack and pearl to the couch for a few minutes. i'm done. :-p

holy roller

here's my (almost) perfect blend of spirituality:

thinking cap required
and
irreverence

because yes. the whole 'is there more than just this life' thing is something i do take seriously. but then i don't, and i giggle.


this message brought to you by a moustache-less letter M and a very tired heather, preparing for min's trip that starts SUNDAY. sunday!

wow

and not a good wow. we just found out how much, or rather how little, min will get each month on disability. i shouldn't have been surprised i guess, since my dad is on it and gets around $700.

but when min saw the guy last week, he said it'd be $1-2k/month. instead, let's just say it's going to be less than that but more than my dad gets. and granted, that's totally better than nothing, but it still sucks to be getting so much less than she'd been told to expect.

building a mystery

sounds about right...and if i didn't have this blog, i'd probably score even lower. :-p

You Are 38% Open

You are open at times, but generally you don't let many people into your inner world. It's possible that you have a friend or two that knows you well. But to most people, you are a total mystery.

How Open Are You?

holy shit, batman

min got her disability! first time approval! and she got ALL of it (ssi/ssdi). also it'll start in november instead of 5 months from now! which is what they told her before.

um. wow.

and, there was no "hearing". she just met with a guy she'd talked with once on the phone, who was super nice. min said before she could even sit down he said, 'you're approved!'

holy shit.

and thank god. and thank EVERYONE who was sending all the good thoughts, prayers, etc, because obviously it worked. and another virtual thanks to all her doctors, who apparently sent in all the necessary documentation THE SAME DAY the govt asked them for it. especially impressive given some of those doctors' histories. :-p

but anyway - woooooooooooooooooo!!!!

progress!

min got her disability hearing scheduled! it's this thursday at 11. please keep her in your thoughts, that it goes smoothly! and obviously results in her getting approved first time out of the gate. :-D

song du jour

breaking the habit.

let's just say that growth is hard, and sometimes, good as it is in the end, sometimes i get tired of it.

no WAY

i did NOT see this one coming:

You Should Be a Joke Writer

You're totally hilarious, and you can find the humor in any situation. Whether you're spouting off zingers, comebacks, or jokes about life... You usually can keep a crowd laughing, and you have plenty of material. You have the makings of a great comedian - or comedic writer.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

quilters! the musical!

finally posted a few pics from our little jaunt to bernal heights the other day, including this gem, which made me stop in my tracks.

anyway, also posted a few random pics from the last few weeks, so at your leisure i invite you to browse and smile.

girls in motion

last night i dreamed about going to a club. drinking, watching the throngs, joining the throngs and grinding away with some girl. just like college.

oh except for the "with some girl" part. because if you think i can be a wallflower now, back then i was permanently affixed to the wall.

anyway, i don't know that i've had that type of dream since then either, but my thoughts on why i had that dream last night:

1. yesterday min and i talked about going to a club tonight. which we won't, but still, we NEVER talk about going to clubs.
2. min's preparing to go on a month-long trip. yes month-long! to visit friends east and northward. which means that
3. i'm going to be by myself, free to do whatever, whenever. which made me think of clubbing, apparently, and is soooo likely to happen.

our last therapy session, which i said was almost like pre-breakup planning, also focused on us doing more solitary activities. getting out more in the world, without the other person, to remind us of who we are, and that who we are is strong, when we're alone. granted that was 70% targeted to em, 30% to me, since i am out and on my own more often than she is, already. but this was impetus to really crack on her trip, which had been being thrown around for months. now she is actively planning to go in mid/late october, with some $ help from a friend who wants her to visit. :-) otherwise we couldn't afford it til next year.

anyway, while she's gone, i AM looking forward to getting out and seeing people that maybe i don't see that often, doing things that she wouldn't want to do (maybe ice skate! haven't done that for a while), etc. but to be honest i'm really looking forward to cleaning up the spare bedroom. :-p because it is filled with mostly her stuff, and (i will talk to her about this first, of course, but) i want to get it all down into the basement. i haven't seen most of the floor in a long time. also, my sister & her hubbie are coming at thanksgiving and hope to sleep in there. and no, not on top of all the, um, stuff.

updates: the short, short version

• saturday we went to SF and:
  • saw our therapist, b, for a VERY difficult but also productive session. to be honest it almost felt like pre-breakup planning. very interesting.
  • strolled around bernal heights, which i have decided i'm in love with. they have an awesome little pet store with fabulous prices, for starters. and everything else is just adorable.
  • had a most scrrrrumptious dinner at valentino ristaurante. simply charming, our waiter let us pick the music that played, and the food….oh my. sooo tasty.
  • followed this with dessert at ghirardelli square. any day that ends with chocolate is good.
• had to get a new cell phone last night because cingular is run by punks. just kidding. we used to have at&t and well, finally had to convert. so today my right hand is a little tired from putting in phone numbers. because the old sim card was at&t they couldn't copy it to the new phone. so they said :-p
• OTOH my new phone is much cuter. i wish it was a camera phone, but maybe in a few months!
• marriage is being protected against sharks. i just thought you should know.

ok that's enough for now. later!

word of the day: oscillococcinum

don't ask me how to pronounce it but i have found The True Story of Oscillococcinum. and i tell you, it is hard to resist reading a True Story About A Very Long And Funny Looking Word.

or at least skim it and find these gems:

• But they could also grow and get one or two more balls.
  
• Roy thought immediately of a homeopathic application.
  
• Korsakov's first name is often incorrectly transcribed as Semen
  
• The mass of that container would have to be about a googol googol googol times our world, which would be incomprehensibly larger than the visible universe.

thanks, liz, for alerting me to this fine word which could be quite marvelous, but is in fact just questionable.

everybody loves hypnotoad!

that's right, hypnotoad

i now return you to your regularly scheduled bl...i mean...bzzzzzzzzz.

i <3 hackers (and food)

especially when the hackee is me. no, i have not turned to a life of crime; i've been sick with a head cold. although i'm very happy to say that i'm almost over it now. i used this time to reacquaint myself with the throat-soothing joy that is creamy wheat farina.

but i'm fickle and i'm going back to my power bars tomorrow morning i think. i'm too impatient if nothing else. cooking? in the morning? please. meantime if you hear me hacking, that could be because i was choking or because SOMEone was being funny. hopefully teh funny.

not really much up otherwise, although i just remembered: before i got sick i planned to blog about the MOST amazing salad i had in my LIFE. uh...blogging about a salad? but let me get you salivating:

- strips of lean, tender, smoky NY steak
- the most exquisite beets in the world
- the most decadent nectarines in the world
- oh-so-juicy mango
- perfectly ripe strawberries
- black beans
- tarragon (!) vinaigrette
- mixed greens

about every second bite i would start making "yummy noises". and ALL organic - the beets and nectarines were the biggest yummy surprise. although, wasn't sure i'd like the dressing but - damn. oh and i got it at hoffmans, a long time favorite of ours. afterwards we followed up with ice cream at another standby, marianne's.

so what were we doing in santa cruz? well, we *tried* to attend the women's game night at the diversity center. we got there on time, sign said open...but no one home. called, waited 15 minutes...whatever. at least we were in cruz, where there's plenty to do! and so we dinnered, desserted and tooled around downtown.

in other gallavanting adventures (see, i'm getting around to some of it!), a few weeks ago i went to the PWG texas hold 'em poker night. by myself, thank you. after i sat through the 20 MINUTE in-person infomercial about an upcoming 'lesbian fashion festival' or somesuch, and the explanation of the poker rules, i actually had a good time. didn't clean up like i did up in tahoe but all those newbies, it took forEvEr to do one round.

plus as i said, we wasted a lot of time with the fashionista sales pitch. but wait, there's more! while we were playing, the fashion queen came by. does anyone here want a flyer? to pass out to friends, family, coworkers? no! go away. a few minutes later: everyone done signing up to volunteer at the fashion police roundup? yes! and no one signed it, so go away!

but still i had fun. and as liz pointed out, by surviving the sales pitch i've now got ownership in a timeshare in hawaii. kick. ass.

taking the ring off

for years i couldn't get my wedding ring off. now i take it off every day.

when min and i first got together i was a size 6. living on macaroni, hot dogs and working 3 jobs plus full time school will do that to you. i always said i'd marry a cook, so i didn't need to learn how to do it myself.

and that's precisely what i did. min is a fabulous cook and that first summer we were together, neither of us worked. so we had fun in the bedroom, fun outdoors, and fun in the kitchen. before long i had ballooned up quite a bit. i'll leave numbers out of this but suffice to say i hit clothing sizes i never expected to. min could care less, actually said she loved me more, and so for the most part, so did i.

i'd guess six months or so after our wedding (which was march 15, 1997), i noticed that my ring finger was bothering me. oh hi. my ring was stuck! after a good half hour, using a variety of tricks, i finally got it off. and it stayed off for a full day so my little cells could breathe.

i tried to make a point of taking it off every few weeks but after another couple months it was ON. no amount of wheedling would entice it off.

and so it was, until last spring, when it came off relatively easily. huh? i'd noticed my pants were a little more comfy, but whatever. we didn't have a scale yet, but after min's stomach surgery we got a scale to track her progress.

well even though it was for min, of course i couldn't let that scale just sit there. it kept talking to me everytime i went into the bathroom. fine! so i stepped on...oh. nice! i'm down 10 pounds! from the last time a doctor pushed a weigh-in on me that is.

it's been a little over a year since i stepped onto that scale at home. at this point i am just shy of having lost 75 pounds. this morning min happened to come into the bathroom as i was getting ready for the day, and she was admiring some new clothes of mine. this led to a brief discussion of weight (weight loss=new clothes) and then when she figured out how much i'd lost, she practically squealed: you should be so proud of that! good job!

and i am...it feels good. but like jennie said the other day (about her own transformation), it also feels odd at times. stopping eating when i barely begin to feel full? choosing healthier foods because i *want* healthier foods? exercising because if i don't, i feel out of sorts the next day?

um. who is this?

incidentally, min now she says she likes me this size better, if only because it's so nice to be able to reach all the way around me, and be more limber. i agree. i also like the new clothes. min has a pair of camo pants she bought that shrunk, so she can't wear them. i have been eyeing them for months, and last week i finally got them on! they're not comfortable enough for *me* to wear, but if this trend keeps up, i should be able to wear them in a month. just in time for fall!

i don't expect i'll ever get to a size 6 again, and i am totally ok with that. i'd *prefer* to lose another 30 pounds or so, but if i don't, that's ok too. all i really want is to get into those pants. :-D

oh and the ring? i have to wear it on my middle finger now. flies right off my ring finger. i actually lost it for a few days, a few weeks ago, because it *literally* flew away while i was brushing off the bed. even with all the trouble min and i have been having, this ring means a lot to me, and i love having a symbol of her wrapped around my finger. well, most days. :-)

ps. i started this entry months ago, but finished it today, courtesy of clearcase. i love you, clearcase!

unspoken

min recently started blogging again. i'm very glad, because she needs an outlet just like i do. however, i actually read her blog (she doesn't read mine anymore) and so today she had a post that included a "quote" from me.

the quote was something i never said. something i've never even thought. however it WAS something SHE said. i remember it very clearly because it startled me.

i've tried to gently correct this misremembrance before, but since it has to do with me wanting to be with other people, it's tricky. i understand how she could think that i might have these feelings, and that it might even seem natural given the situation (especially at the time, which was back in april). might even be easier to believe that i just needed a good fuck than the truth, which is that i was bereft on a much larger scale.

at any rate, i'm sorry that that i withheld my feelings and i imagine i'll be apologizing for that til the day i die, although obviously the problems in our relationship are the result of both of us. i wrote to her about all this tonight, hoping that in written form, i am easier to assimilate. and believe. we shall see.

meantime - i'm sad and frustrated. we're doing better in some ways, but this monkey is still not off our backs. and i hate it.

gallavanting part deux

yesterday i gallavanted up to alameda to shop and explore some local parks. so, buncha new pix up on flickr. also, got 2 innertube shots of me from the lake berryessa trip!

as to what else has been going on in my world, well, maybe i'll write eventually. but as you can see, i've been drinking. and giving myself away. i'm not sure it's the best way to whore my way to financial freedom but it's worth a shot.

if you lived here, you'd be home by now

or could be if you'd acted on the post to scrappy last month, by the woman running code pink. some women are just luckier than others, i guess. since we passed this place on the way home from albany, naturally pictures had to be taken. and so i share them with you.

also pix are up from a jaunt to point isabel. more notes on all the recent gallavanting soon...

getting my goat

while i'm waiting for various files to open...and incidentally i love XMLSpy....

today my little goat, aka pearl, decided to get into something she shouldn't have. and by today, i mean at approximately 3am this morning. and by something she shouldn't have, i really can't elaborate because i have no idea what she ate. whatever it was, it didn't agree with her and she promptly sent it back to the bedroom floor, and across our bed.

yes, she was sleeping in our bed. our girl is more than a little spoiled. and as far as we could tell, the bedroom was clear of anything remotely bad for her, and/or items like medications were safely out of her reach.

so about 315 this morning i woke up to what sounded like a whine or whimper. to be honest i wasn't sure if it was pearl, or min talking in her sleep. i nudged min - what's up? she mumbled or something and i heard it again. not min! i started feeling around for pearl on the bed and she was nowhere.

pearl! where are you? i heard her dog tags clanging from across the room, heading towards me. on goes the light. she's drooling like a leaky faucet. good grief. in addition to her shaking and other sharing of fluids, after a few minutes we got dressed and headed to adobe. well, after cleaning her real quick (quite a mess).

and of course, by the time we got there and seen by the doctor, she was totally fine. mouth dry as a bone, no shaking (well, other than a bit of nervousness at first), no fever, heart rate fine, got perky and everything. we watched her another 15 before leaving... with a very cheap bill. doesn't cost much when they don't really do anything. :-p

we got back home around 5 and though tired, i couldn't sleep yet. wanted to watch her a bit longer to make sure she was alright. started laundry for offending bed items. then i got hungry. tried one snack...waited...not enough. ok pearl's alright, but now i need real food. damn this mac&cheese craving!

fine. i'm awake for the day. made my cheesy goodness, min went to bed, and i got ready for the day. and pearl, she got reacquainted with her kennel. and she will stay friends with it every night from now on.

the wandering minstrel

my mind - and body - they have been on such a journey this last week.

thursday night we went to a Career Exploration Workshop at The Women's Building in sf. i instigated this trek because, as i've mentioned before, i'm not really grooving on my current gig. i had hoped that this class would help point me in a new direction.

well, it didn't. it's not really the fault of the class (limited scope due to funding - ah, the joys of nonprofits), BUT it did have some good food for thought, and got me thinking about the things that are important to me in a work environment, as well as some ideas on areas to explore to help me find That Thing That I Want To Do.

so yes, that was good. but what was great was there was another lesbian couple in the class. as class was breaking up, min goes: does anyone know a good place for dinner around here? and i said: oh, i already know a good place. we started downstairs and then one of the dykes - sandy, as it turns out - said: are you sure you want to turn down a good restaurant recommendation? i laughed and said good point! so she and her partner sara told us about two places. neither of them sounded good for then, but it was good to know. we were dropping some paperwork at the car, and the other couple was across the street, and min said: should we ask them to dinner?

so in a nutshell: we went to dinner with them, plus a friend of theirs visiting from australia, and had a GREAT time. so great that we all agreed to go out again sometime. pretty nice result for a class that didn't help much!

friday i had my offsite at lake berryessa/spanish flat resort. i must say, before looking up that link, i had no idea how much it cost to rent a boat. wow. but: what a blast. i posted some pics but naturally there are no pics of me bouncing, hovering, and skidding across the water since it's impossible to take a picture of yourself when both hands are grabbing, with all their might, to straps on a gigantic innertube.

and, i had no idea hanging onto a giant innertube could be so tiring and yield so many bruises. but as AG said (yes, AG. more on that later), "they're bruises of honor." i couldn't agree more. especially since, of all the people who rode that damn innertube, i was the *only* one who did NOT go flying off it! that's right - i did better than all those tall guys with the bulging arm muscles.

of course the flip side is, i rode that innertube to death, and it paid me back with the bruises, a good case of wind/sunburn and a (mild) knock upside the head. had a headache for three days straight...it's almost gone now. even so, i'd do it all again. sooo much fun!

oh and yes i attempted to wakeboard. later i heard that almost no one gets up (on the board) the first time. swallowed a bunch of water, got crabby with myself - but i'd try it another time if i had the chance.

also i got to see charissa that morning (but not at the offsite, wah). other than "hi", the first thing she said to me was "you're so tiny!"

what? ohhh. weight loss. for those of you who haven't seen me for a while, i am far from tiny, believe me. but since the last time she saw me (march?) i had dropped about 40 pounds. plus i had clothes on that *fit*. anyway, she asked me what my secret was and i said: stress, a little exercise, a little eating less, and stress. did i mention stress? so, not really a diet i recommend, but there are worse ways to lose weight, as i saw quite clearly with min. still, it was really nice to get the compliment so if you're out there reading, charissa - thanks! :-)

rest of the weekend was pretty mellow. m's birthday was saturday...all we did was get takeout from buca di beppos, because she has been very ill lately. it's just the usual, but she's been worse the last month or so. i seriously think she may be headed for a hospital stay soon - another obstruction/impaction. without going into details, let's just say all signs point to this, but i hope i'm wrong and she starts feeling a bit better soon.

ok...AG. so, for reasons i will not elaborate on but were TOTALLY innocent and well-intentioned (think: apology), i wrote to AG last week. we ended up having some good dialogue (note: i did not use dialogue as a verb) and, i think, left things in a much better place.

and they were so much better that of course, i found myself thinking about her too much again. however i (think i) did a better job redirecting that than i have in the past, and i started to feel better by sunday. the main trick i have learned, if i may say, is to simply not respond. compelling? absolutely. compulsory? absolutely not. so let's put that energy into something more productive! yeah!

in case you didn't know, i am not a cheerleader. but, sometimes i think everyone needs one, at least a little bit.

ok that pretty much wraps it, and good, because this post is long enough. :-p

incidentally

if you want to see your work in a browser, it really helps if you save your changes.

oh, i am SO tired

but: i had a great day. more later!

loving the light

Originally uploaded by heatherama.

i don't know why, i guess it's the reds, greens, and misty light, but i really love this shot. on saturday i was itching to go oustide, so we went to the thornewood preserve just west of woodside. it was supposed to be a gentle hike...and i guess it mostly was, except for all the areas with slide damage. min didn't make it all the way, but i was determined to make it to the lake. which admittedly was more of a glorified pond. still, i was happy to have made the trek and get a few nice shots.

today we went and saw world trade center which was pretty mediocre overall. loud. it did give a good sense of some people's experience that day, but it was a little slow. went to greek later in mountain view - cafe baklava? - on castro. yum.

and if you've heard about the infamous Pearl Dancing, here is your chance to see the SHORT (but still 5mb) version. on a normal day she probably goes twice as long and is twice as bouncy. :-D

fascination wimmin

Originally uploaded by heatherama.

as we all know, there are some fascinating wimmin out there. so of course, when i saw this tonight, i had to snap a picture. and snap i did, with my snappy new canon! a birthday present which i got to research, pick out and pick up today thanks to a good deal (i was determined to spend under $200) at wolf camera.

after we picked that up, we went out to dinner and then down to the boardwalk to listen to a free concert by john waite. it was pretty packed, and he was good (and loud) so we ambled around, took the sky tram, and otherwise just had a relaxing and wonderful evening.

topped, of course, with a stop at marianne's ice cream on the way out of town. requisite!

ok i think i'm finally off to sleep now. hopefully more adventures this weekend. i am determined to get some video footage (yay! in-camera video!) of pearl doing her famous belly dance. :-D

the haps

since july 29, not even two weeks ago! altho i admit, it's close. let's see...

july 30: we went to wen and tara's engagement party out in the boonies (ripon). before we went though, we took pearl to the house of a Kind Stranger From Bascrappy. m had posted looking for a last-minute place for pearl to get puppysat (i thought she'd be ok at home, but no matter) and a very sweet woman posted saying she had a small chihuahua that would probably looove to play with pearl. we talked on the phone...she offered references but seemed so nice we just went for it.

and that all went just fine, thank you. pearl and the other pup had the Best Time Ever. meantime we also had a very very good time at tara's parents' place. beyoootiful garden/backyard. great food, excellent company, most of which we didn't know, but everyone was super friendly.

on the way home we stopped in pleasanton? amidst an explosion of superstores, anyway, and had a meal and did a bit of shopping. had to buy some new bras because half of my old ones were too big! annoying but of course, good.

july 31: i think we went to the women's group at the defrank. kinda nice. i even talked! a lot! but not as much as this one woman...wow.

aug 2: we tried to go to the PWG meeting but we'd had a fight on the way up, and ended up leaving halfway through for more processing. yay. all i feel like saying about all that is, it had to do with this stupid poly stuff, and theoretically the particular subtopic at hand was all sorted out, but i don't know if i really believe it. i think the next time it comes up will be the true test.

and no i have not resigned myself to anything. i really don't know where she and i will end up eventually, but for now, for sure it's still just her and i.

aug 5/6: i think we just stayed home - cleaned and did more medical paperwork, for which we have an endless amount. a lot of what we're doing now involves scrilla payback! which is a great motivator. and the cleaning, well, that is its own motivator too. looking over and not seeing piles of cwap really *is* nice.

aug 7: women's group again. was fine but i didn't feel chatty for some reason. like that EVER happens! that's ok though, that same woman i mentioned last time reeeally likes to talk. she does have interesting things to say, but wow.

aug 8: took my bad self to target, to try to return some swimming trunks that i had outgrown (undergrown?) before i even had a chance to wear them! but could NOT return because i didn't have the original credit card anymore (bank just switched me from visa to mc). grr. in the meantime target had also decided to sell off 90% of their swimtrunks and i almost didn't find any! but did at the last minute, and in a smaller size than i expected to have fit me. heh. very nice. was determined, too, because we have an offsite to waterski next week! and i've never been! woo!

other than that, it's just been work, eat, sleep. like normal for most people i guess. and really, i suppose most of this entry is boringly normal and relatively calm. i'm ok with that for now. :-)

lunchtime fun

while i'm waiting for the *fastest*bestest* application of all time, clearwaste, here are some lunchtime observations from this week:

• buck rogers is funny. especially when people say things like "But I can't leave Musicworld!"
  
  it is amazing how, even 26 years ago, jerry orbach still looks old. i also never noticed that buck's robot - twiki! - pulls a road runner (bdeep-bdeep-bdeep) sometimes. but i guess that makes sense since mel blanc did both. :-D
  
• that KITT car is a bonafide wiseass. i heart him. also, why is david hasslehoff so adored (by some)? i don't get it.
  
• a luau salad tastes better under a series of shady trees, with your best girl and puppy by your side. as well as some damn good cake to polish things off.

ok clearwaste isn't done, but i am for now. have a good weekend!

a voyage...of bananas

this is brought to you by i heart carol.

have you ever wanted a banana phone? like, really? it's been an impossible dream...until now. you can turn any cell phone into a banana phone!

be sure, on the product page, to check out the action shots and nifty packaging.

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30 second voyage

INT. Bubbles' house - early evening.

Bubbles is scanning teevee options for the evening. She comes across a random movie starring valerie harper.

Bubbles thinks to herself, 'valerie harper. isn't that rhoda? and the one with that show where she got replaced by sandy duncan? yeah...sandy duncan...why does that sound familiar?' There is a pause while Bubbles stares at the screen.

"Oh," Bubbles says, and then snickers, because she remembers that earlier in the day, she'd read this:

Aquarius
This week marks the four-year anniversary of your solemn oath to develop a lifestyle that is in no way influenced by Sandy Duncan.

Min, at the computer, and curious why Bubbles is giggling, asks, "What?"

After she stops giggling, the first thing Bubbles says is, "Thanks again for getting me that onion book."

Bubbles then takes Min on the 30 second voyage, she also tells her about the flaming corn dogs and morality for sextuplets. Because that was some good shit too.

take on me

continuing my trend of interspersing a few light posts with lengthier ones, here's an update of What's Been Going On as opposed to the fascinating world of flickr, heat waves and snorting. since my last mammoth update, i have had even more aha!s:

1. yes i said that my fixation on AG was about more than her, that it was about me wanting a richer existence. but, it was also about *her*. i haven't just been missing the possibility of her (or anyone), i've been flat out missing my friendship with AG, such as it was. maybe if i'm good, and lucky, we can get something back.

2. staying busy - and by that, i mean keeping my inbox on the verge of exploding during daytime hours - really is a good pacifier. beats staring at a cursor.

3. getting to know yourself, and even articulate! your feelings better is really quite startling at times. but good. :-)

4. self-doubt and/or self-loathing is an insanely powerful demon that has tortured both min and i for far too long. it's not the kind of thing you can get rid of overnight, but WonderTherapist, B, gave us some excellent tools for dealing with this. now if we can only remember to implement them...

5. last saturday when we saw B, we went to a very tasty dinner in the marina district and then walked along crissy field...watched the sunset over the golden gate. it was so gorgeous outside. the realization? that i am very lucky to be alive, to be there at that moment, with a woman who loves me (who i love as well), and a puppy who bounces everywhere.

6. an aha! moment that also was a duh!: Other People stick in my head because i'm interacting with them - or in some way, they are with me - more than min does. granted, once i get home, usually she's interacting with me quite a lot...but not necessarily.

why is this worthwhile to note? because it makes me feel less guilty about all this stupid musing i do. it's simple physics. more, better interaction with min = less Others because my mind's full with her. now, there's only so much we can do about that, given the situation, but still... it's in progress.

7. and in conclusion: WonderTherapist B, who we've decided to stick with, helped me come to an amazing realization. we were talking about the time in my life when i was cutting and very suicidal - my senior year in HS. she said, why did you do that then versus some other time? what happened?

my parents liked to think that it was because i was angry/whatever about the abuse i'd experienced when i was little. i never really bought that. i mean sure, that's not GOOD, but it wasn't on my mind, either. no, i'd say that far more pressing on my mind was that in the last year or so, my life had become a variation on running on empty. i am not kidding. for brevity's sake, let's just say that we spent some time on the run from the government, because of my dad, and because of both real and (his) imagined conspiracies and paranoias.

so i told B about all this. and she said: it's natural that you would turn to sexual fantasies (which also started around then) as well as the cutting, because it was an outlet that YOU could control. the rest of your world was about life and death, and that responsibility hanging in the balance. it was about control -- your parents controlling you, and internal messages to control yourself because there's probably someone waiting for you to mess up and then you're all dead.

you're jealous, right? right.

with help, i got the cutting stopped. and i knew - really - i would never do anything worse than that. which meant fantasy became my main outlet. i could control it, it was all mine and no one else's. even when everything was "fine", even when it started to cause me pain, it was still inside and therefore safe.

at least, until the last couple of years. that's when i fell in love with someone else, and became almost completely unglued. and that story, well i've talked about that enough. but that was my mind's turning point from safe to destructive. and i have never really been the same since. i'm hoping the difference now, though, is that i'm talking about these things. there will be no more decades of festering - only fortnights are allowed.

ok time for bed. enough analysis for now.

any day that involves snorting is a good day

that's snorting from laughter, mind you.

i just said that to liz and thought it was worth sharing. i hope you all have snort-worthy days!

i don't know about the rest of you

but right now i would very much like to be in alaska, antartica, or have some chunk of an iceberg in this house. 108 degrees (says wunderground) is a bit much, even with AC that's been going for hours and hours.

ok, back to the bedroom (the only tolerably cool room in the house)!

the benefits of a flickr outage

as some of you may have noticed, yesterday flickr died for a while. in the interim they had posted this great contest page, where the winner with the best artwork gets a flickr pro account. if i still had a digital camera i'd have tried too, but meantime, i bring you the pool of contestants and point out my faves so far (i just started looking!):

doggie flickr

fighting fuzzy ball flickr

enjoy!

yummm

tonight i had one of the best dinners ever. definitely in my top 3 for homemade dinners ever. i had:

- sauteed scallops, shrimp, mushrooms, onions, marinated in some sort of soy-type sauce*
- basmati rice
- asparagus with a bit of paprika
- mango relish: mango, black beans, cucumber, bell pepper, tomato, and probably some other things

*i can't be more specific about the sauce because i didn't cook any of this. well, i started the rice. min made it all and it was deeeelectable. d-eeee-lectable, i tell you!

and for dessert a few hours later i had a teensy slice of the german chocolate cheesecake she made me the other day (a thanks for all the help i gave her - and there was a LOT - with the disability paperwork she had to get done pre-interview).

and for the record this is exactly how i gained 10 billion pounds when i first moved in with her. :-p the only reason i'm not gaining weight now is a) i *am* trying to be more conscious about what, or at least how much, i eat, and b) heat makes me nauseous so my appetite is way down. good thing it's summer! and even if i didn't eat much, it was a wonderful way to forget another drudgesome day at work. well, that, a couple kisses from min AND pearl, and a little teevee.

fireworks, angst and death

yes, that headline is the 1 second version of this entire post. :-p anyway, thanks to clearcase and other technology snafus, in addition to my inability to post more often, I bring you an almost-3 week recap!

6.28 exceeded RDA of Angst and Angst-related Secret Blog Posts.

6.30 had a horrible (too vivid) dream about AG. because i was so upset that morning, ended up admitting to min what a shit-ass time i'd been having fighting with myself the last several weeks. how i'd been thinking, wouldn't she really be better off without me? and i really heard her when she said: no. i love you. ALL of you. to which i said: i'm glad you do because i sure don't.

7.1 saw Lake House which wasn't that bad. romance... with a bit of fantasy. had a fight with min, but ended well.

7.3 battled with myself. victor: me! loser: me!

7.4 played a fun bedroom game in the morning. :-D went to oakland to have dinner with some strangers dykes. VERY yummy food! some good conversation. then we walked down to jack london to see the fireworks/listen to music. got separated from the group...but so what. we had a blast AND i won free tickets to some event this winter. handel's messiah singalong i think? put on by whatever symphony was playing at the fireworks. anyway the BEST part about the fireworks is now they have smiley fireworks!! so cool!!! the worst part was, we're never bringing pearl to fireworks again. soooo scared she was. poor thing.

oh and on the way home we got lost in alameda. all the usual exits were blocked off (thanks) and so we ended up in the webster tube...the only good thing i can say about all that is, now we have an oakland map. :-p

7.5 joined more lists in an attempt to stave off Major Boredom and Angst. since there was no bingo(!), saw The Devil Wears Prada which was kinda dumb. had a fight because i was an idiot... and in the end felt very grateful for min.

7.6 another good night, even though min was horribly sick. pondered my lack of angst (for last few days) briefly but then let it go (enjoy the break!).

7.7 saw my gynocologist who said: great that you've lost so much weight. however that's why your periods MHPs have sucked so much ass the last several months. thanks!! ffs. went with min to kubota for dinner. yum. had a really lovely evening, felt very in love/content.

7.8 had another (annoying) dream about AG, which put me in a weird mood all day. to help distract myself, i started taking career tests to figure out What I Might Want To Do If It Isn't This.

7.9 saw wen and tara dance! and kai and several others. andrea - T's sequined outfit is SO worth taking a picture of, and we would have if we'd remembered the camera (doh). we went to the event to a) enjoy it, which we did, and b) see if it was the kind of thing we'd want to take a class for, since wen is teaching one pretty damn cheap next month! we both agreed it wasn't really our deal (i was pretty iffy on it from the getgo) - sorry wen. but you guys looked great!

7.10 we cheated on our therapist B by seeing a new one, A. it was 60% disaster 40% success. dunno if we will go back yet (have another appt with B this saturday), but A did have some good observations about our communication styles.

7.12 nickelback songs should be removed from my playlist. joined more lists in an attempt to stave off Major Boredom and Angst.

7.13 had the great idea (via an idea from therapist A) to have min and i check in with each other each day - use that time to talk about something we appreciate/love about each other as well as share difficult feelings we're having (instead of keeping them in). i also realized that a lot of my missing AG is about friendship, that i need more deep friendships in my life. more people i can hang out, be silly with. and as much as i would like min to fill most of those needs, because of her illness, she can only fill so much. yeah i know this is old territory, but i never connected that to AG quite so much. it actually was comforting, because it made it not just about *her*. which is really good because i've had no indications of her missing me. hopefully soon i can say the same. but on this date (13th) that SO was not true.

7.14 had a very sweet, loving day. at night, had nightmare about my parents. min was great, telling me a story to lull me to sleep, but my dream had included music so..borrowed min's ipod to listen to norah jones (the only podcast i could find with soothing music on there!).

7.15 intense love for min feels reactivated. wrote her love letter. spent a lot of time on disability paperwork.

7.16 my maternal grandfather died. i hadn't seen him for maybe 15 years, and i was ok with that because of all the horrible things my mom told me he'd done to her (thanks). my own experiences with him were ok if stilted. he had been VERY ill the last few months - pretty out of it mentally, blind, etc..and apparently saturday he took a real nosedive. my mom (who, at least to some degree, had forgiven him) said they had peaceful music and candles going much of that day, and that almost all her sibs got to either be there or talk to him on the phone before he died. amazingly she says my grandmother is doing really well. i'm glad my mom can be there for her right now though.

also spent a lot of time on disability paperwork, running errands related to that. had a fight...and later min apologized for all the times she's been...short with me inappropriately. and over the last few years, with her pain putting her frustration threshold so very high by default, there has been a lot of that, so i really appreciated her a) recognizing that and b) apologizing. it's been hard to talk to her about it because of how much stress she's under.

7.17 min filed for disability today. for real! had an interview down at the SSA office and everything. i am so proud of her for finally getting that done. course now we just have to wait for them to deny her (i'm not kidding) and reapply. apparently we should know within 6 months if she gets approved. it's kind of funny, EVERYTHING we've ever read says, nobody ever gets approved the first time. but apparently they totally act like you might. we'll see! and the woman there also told her that even after she gets approved, it'll be 5 months AFTER that until she ever gets any money. there is a 5 mo backlog. wow.

if you made it this far, congrats! your prize, especially if you enjoy arrested development, is to check this out.

ok bye :-)

a mini-update

mini in terms of just covering today and yesterday. :-p luckily it hasn't been tooo bad today. i'll have SuperAngst and then i'll quickly redirect myself, occupy my time some other way.

incidentally min made me a cd yesterday with love songs. some rock even! so sweet. and gave me a little pic of us from a month or two ago, in a little frame. so i have it right here next to me. i am not super jazzed about how i look of course, but it is a good shot of her. and i like having it right there so i can stay focused. oh and also a very sweet love letter.

went to lunch today with Princess I. was good to visit with her! and since she'd read some of my blog, she wanted to talk about all the relationship fun that's been going on for me. she and i had not gotten together in, i don't know, maybe 2 years? at least a year for sure. so we had a lot of ground to cover.

it was good to have that perspective, to try to cover bad (mostly past) to better (recent) and get reminded that things really are getting better over all. we still have SO far to go, but things are in fact progressing.

note: that does not mean that i no longer struggle with:
- emotional fidelity to min (in general)
- a paralyzing ache for AG
- abundant self-hate for the above

quite the opposite. let's just say that i've cried more this year, i suspect, than in my preceding 33.92 years. and look! the year isn't even over yet! i should start a water reclamation facility.

anyway, i get it - things are doing better, but they're still very difficult, and there is a lot of ground that still needs to be covered. that reminds me, a recent entrant to the Things About Me That Are Really Annoying list is: realizing that my boredom threshold is *insanely* high.

now, i always knew i got bored easy. but for the most part i could handle it if i just had *something* to do. but i'll tell you - here in webdev, the spells of having very little to do are much longer than they were in content. and i don't like that. i do find things to keep myself relatively busy (let's hear a cheer for documentation!)...but i don't enjoy them. i need higher caliber distractions. that means blogs, interesting emails, fun-Knee emails, IMs...whatever i can get.

this is mostly when i'm at work, too. otherwise i can find a variety of activities or places to go to for self-entertainment. at any rate, the problem is: i get bored, and then before long i start musing/obsessing on one of the issues listed above. so - not good.

anyway that's it for now. i'm not up for recapping the last two weeks. i'll have to do that later, maybe this weekend. there really has been a lot to cover. :-D

if you're having a shitty day

Toffee Crack will make you forget your troubles, one sip at a time. not that i would know.

so about the last two weeks...

i'm still not going to tell you. maybe tomorrow. it's getting late and my eyes have windburn from my night out. mostly from racing cars.

i've been to MGP before but i didn't do the racing then. tonight i did both the 'go karts' and the 'grand prix' and let me say, there is a WORLD of difference between the two. go kart = fun. grand prix = adrenaline. it could only have been better if it was an actual race (with a winner) rather than me trying to beat my time (and everyone else's) each lap, which i did. :-D

i went tonight (was going to be min and i but she was too sick) because some dyke on bascrappy set up the event. i did actually meet said dyke, and she was very nice, but because i was about 20 minutes late, i lost track of the rest of them by the time i paid (long line). didn't really matter though because i had the best time.

they are having an awesome special in the evenings this summer. if anyone wants to go, gimme holla!

bubbles is also a perfectionist

we know this because she had to take the typing test again and outperform herself. and she did! 108.41 wpm and 1 error.

for the record i totally made a bunch of errors in an email 5 minutes ago. i guess this is proof i work well under pressure. ;-)

bubbles is on speed

i'll post an update about My Life someday soon. in lieu of that, i give you self-entertainment.

i often have been told that my fingers' propensity to blur across the keyboard is jarring to the ears (no like clickey clackey). to that i say: riiight - you're just jealous!

anyway if you wanna test your typing skills in a fun, quick way, go here. and if you're feeling charitable, report back with your score!

today mine worked out to 97 wpm with 2 errors. and honestly, i used to type faster. i must be getting old. :-p