...on the same friday, no less! i have clearwaste, the best application of ALL TIME, to thank. oh and thanks wen. :-)
Five games you played as a kid.
Hide and seek. You know, you count, close your eyes, and then run around for a half hour chasing each other.
mad libs. have spent oodles of time playing it in the car. i still looooooooove this game. and i am sure it taught me, at least in part, my love of all things wordy. favorite moment is when our family actually made up a star trek mad lib story and a character was ordered to "lower your shields or we'll squat on your sheep".
checkers. because i always won, duh. being the older sister has its advantages.
backwards! man, i just remembered this after thinking, what else did i play? my sister and i, for obvious reasons, called it "sdrawkcab". excellent for budding word nerds.
can't stop. i had so much fun remembering the last one that i thought some more, and remembered this. it looks dumb but for some reason was strangely compelling. i mean, we couldn't. stop.
Five people you know (or knew) and the food you associate with them.
mom. i'll go with coffee cake, but since she's my mom, there are so many potential foods. she makes the best damn coffee cake ever.
min. lasagna. and this is the delectable, 30-cheese lasagna that she made for me during our first year. ain't ever gonna live that one down.
liz. i'm going to pick toffee crack, since she was such a demon for introducing it to me.
my sis. macNcheese, because we shared it so often while watching perry mason and andy griffith
my dad. potato scrambles. he makes super ones with lots of veggies and spices.
Five things you don't own/have on hand that most people probably do.
a real credit card. only got a debit card (and that's enough, thanks).
sleeping bag. want to get one tho. i also want:
a tent. i want to go camping again sometime.
gym membership. i mean, if you're not going to go, why bother?
i don't know, makeup? at least for girls and drag queens this is common i'd imagine.
Five pet peeves.
spelling errors. can i have that count more than once?
grammar errors. but i'm willing to let some things slide because, well, i like to play with words.
inefficiency.
stupidity. too bad i'm good at that. :-p
republican presidents. ok i was running out of peeves, but that's a good one, no?
Five people who taught you important things (you need not know them).
parents. again stealing from wen, but that's too good, especially since it counts for 2.
grandma m.
min.
the instructor of my bible history class at belmont. sorry i don't remember your name, guy, but i remember your dog's name was erasmus! kind of hard to forget that.
And 5 people (or a higher multiple of 5) that you're tagging for this meme:
That assumes I have 5 readers…hmmm…
Monk/Cheddah
Snowflake
Dork/Amberger Hamburger
Princess (and that counts for two)
Friday, June 30, 2006
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
it's a good thing
i have this ritual of getting up each morning (at least weekdays) and getting on here to ye olde internet. reading my mail, blogs. because i'll tell you what, it gives me perspective. it lets me know i am not alone in my desperation, that there really is more to this world than My Little World, and if nothing else, helps me shake off my dreamtime.
lately the dreamtime has not been so good to me. it has been full of disturbing images both grotesque and lovely.
oh and if i am lucky, i get a few funny emails too, to give me a giggle.
anyway the dreams - so i get up thinking i should blog about the annoying/beautiful/whatever tricks my mind has played on me during the night, and by the end of my Internet browsing, most of that has been pushed aside. and in my judgment, this is all for the best. methinks i muse too much, sometimes.
lately the dreamtime has not been so good to me. it has been full of disturbing images both grotesque and lovely.
oh and if i am lucky, i get a few funny emails too, to give me a giggle.
anyway the dreams - so i get up thinking i should blog about the annoying/beautiful/whatever tricks my mind has played on me during the night, and by the end of my Internet browsing, most of that has been pushed aside. and in my judgment, this is all for the best. methinks i muse too much, sometimes.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
hello out there
yes i am still alive and breathing. some of the breathing has been a bit labored lately because i've been fighting off a bizarre throat infection/flu, the treatment of which has induced extreme dizziness and (as mentioned previously) occasional difficulty in breathing. woo. but today is the last day for Stupid Medication. has made it really fun trying to finish a complicated work project i've had. what? file doesn't validate with tons of garbage characters in it? the nerve!
in other news things have been really difficult at home the last few weeks. they are a bit better now, but that's as random as anything else. which is to say:
in other words it was psuedo-suicide (albeit temporary, and i got to deal with the side effects, which i will not elaborate on here for (hah) brevity). min would probably not like i'm saying all this, but it's the truth and she told me before to be brutally honest in here. this actually is not brutal truth, but it is sharing more than before. anyway, i am very happy to report she is seeing her own therapist today. hopefully that goes well.
but the rest... i don't know what to do about all this. i'm stuck. i'm still pissed that she took these meds, particularly since this was the 4th time to do so (post-promise of never taking them again).
also i hate that she felt things were going so badly that she felt the need to do this. i had been under the impression that things were going alright. we were working on things, communicating a bit better. i don't know if she was just despairing that we would never be able to go back to a "happily" monogamous relationship or if it was more than that. i do know that topic causes her great despair. to which i can only say/have said: maybe we can get there. it's a goal we're working toward, because i love you and you come first in my life.
but apparently that is not enough to keep her from doing stuff like this. if anyone has ideas on how to deal with this situation, lay it on me. i want to be loving and supportive but also not get walked all over. things have been better the last week (she stopped those meds about a week ago) but to be honest i don't trust this won't happen again.
in other drama, sunday i saw AG. i'm going to leave it at that for details but let's just say that it threw me for a loop in a way i did not expect. even now i'm getting teary just thinking about it. sheesh! pathetic. anyway, i didn't think i was over her...god no. but, maybe 75% over? so sunday's intense reaction stunned me.
there was some additional AG heartwrenching a few weeks ago, at which point (several days later) i realized that tho excruiciating, this was good because it was helping me move on. so, la de da, i'm being good and not talking to her, time passes... i'm good, yeah?
yeah no. seeing her sunday completely fucked me up again. i've been blown away by how much she's gotten under my skin. but hopefully a difference this time is: i really REALLY believe we are through, that we are under no circumstances ever going to happen. even if min and i go all kinds of crazy polywhatever, i'm never hooking up with AG. that's just the way it is.
not that she doesn't find me charming in a way, but *we* are just not in the stars. and i hate it. but i'm trying to move on.
oh and meantime be a good wife to the woman who DOES love me dearly. bet you can guess how i'm doing on that.
so much for not whining. wen, you should've never encouraged me. ;-p but you can see why i've needed to take a break for a bit.
in other news things have been really difficult at home the last few weeks. they are a bit better now, but that's as random as anything else. which is to say:
- min has been pretty ill (more than normal) the last month or so
- because of that she's taken more meds, including some we agreed she wouldn't take anymore because they made her too wacky
- apparently she also took them because she was so depressed about us and just wanted to sleep and not feel as much emotional OR physical pain
in other words it was psuedo-suicide (albeit temporary, and i got to deal with the side effects, which i will not elaborate on here for (hah) brevity). min would probably not like i'm saying all this, but it's the truth and she told me before to be brutally honest in here. this actually is not brutal truth, but it is sharing more than before. anyway, i am very happy to report she is seeing her own therapist today. hopefully that goes well.
but the rest... i don't know what to do about all this. i'm stuck. i'm still pissed that she took these meds, particularly since this was the 4th time to do so (post-promise of never taking them again).
also i hate that she felt things were going so badly that she felt the need to do this. i had been under the impression that things were going alright. we were working on things, communicating a bit better. i don't know if she was just despairing that we would never be able to go back to a "happily" monogamous relationship or if it was more than that. i do know that topic causes her great despair. to which i can only say/have said: maybe we can get there. it's a goal we're working toward, because i love you and you come first in my life.
but apparently that is not enough to keep her from doing stuff like this. if anyone has ideas on how to deal with this situation, lay it on me. i want to be loving and supportive but also not get walked all over. things have been better the last week (she stopped those meds about a week ago) but to be honest i don't trust this won't happen again.
in other drama, sunday i saw AG. i'm going to leave it at that for details but let's just say that it threw me for a loop in a way i did not expect. even now i'm getting teary just thinking about it. sheesh! pathetic. anyway, i didn't think i was over her...god no. but, maybe 75% over? so sunday's intense reaction stunned me.
there was some additional AG heartwrenching a few weeks ago, at which point (several days later) i realized that tho excruiciating, this was good because it was helping me move on. so, la de da, i'm being good and not talking to her, time passes... i'm good, yeah?
yeah no. seeing her sunday completely fucked me up again. i've been blown away by how much she's gotten under my skin. but hopefully a difference this time is: i really REALLY believe we are through, that we are under no circumstances ever going to happen. even if min and i go all kinds of crazy polywhatever, i'm never hooking up with AG. that's just the way it is.
not that she doesn't find me charming in a way, but *we* are just not in the stars. and i hate it. but i'm trying to move on.
oh and meantime be a good wife to the woman who DOES love me dearly. bet you can guess how i'm doing on that.
so much for not whining. wen, you should've never encouraged me. ;-p but you can see why i've needed to take a break for a bit.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
it's (almost) all greek to me
i had an unexpected but quite pleasant thing happen this afternoon. i sat down preparing to do some freelance work - writing even! - and got my monthly popup reminder to check my website stats. usually i ignore that but today being a lazy - or if i want to feel writerly, languid - day, i went ahead.
one thing the webstats show is how people got to my site. lo and behold one of the referrer entries was for a greek page on lesbian writers, run by the greek sapphites.
it seems especially trippy because for the most part, i don't think of myself as a Lesbian Writer, or even a writer. in the past, maybe. which i guess is apropos since the actual Lesbian Writing i did was in 1998.
but still...apparently even the lesbian *internet* is small. wow.
one thing the webstats show is how people got to my site. lo and behold one of the referrer entries was for a greek page on lesbian writers, run by the greek sapphites.
it seems especially trippy because for the most part, i don't think of myself as a Lesbian Writer, or even a writer. in the past, maybe. which i guess is apropos since the actual Lesbian Writing i did was in 1998.
but still...apparently even the lesbian *internet* is small. wow.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
the confluence of love
means that you can get a 99% and still not pass the test. because that 1%, when woven in at compilation time, means the difference between bliss and agony.
at least this is how it seems to me.
on a related note: i am going to try to stop whining so much (internally and externally). i don't get to have what i want. so what? most people don't. it sucks but that's just the way it is. i'm hoping that, with work at improving what i can, eventually i can not give a * about the rest, and be content with what i have. the hunger for the impossible is killing me, and there's just no point in that.
and in completely different news: our neighbor penny seems to have gone a smidge bananas. lots of yelling and irrationality yesterday. since we share the same (large) lot, we have to see her all the time and things are tense now...yuck. i hope today she woke up a little saner.
at least this is how it seems to me.
on a related note: i am going to try to stop whining so much (internally and externally). i don't get to have what i want. so what? most people don't. it sucks but that's just the way it is. i'm hoping that, with work at improving what i can, eventually i can not give a * about the rest, and be content with what i have. the hunger for the impossible is killing me, and there's just no point in that.
and in completely different news: our neighbor penny seems to have gone a smidge bananas. lots of yelling and irrationality yesterday. since we share the same (large) lot, we have to see her all the time and things are tense now...yuck. i hope today she woke up a little saner.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
not concentrating & what to do about it
so i can't talk about issue A. maybe someday. technically it has nothing to do with me, but it's still killing me inside.
issue B - turned out for the most part to be a misunderstanding, thankfully. not that that made the actual argument any easier. let's just say that min and i realized that if we're starting to fight on IM, to stop. and wait to finish until we can talk on phone or in person. it's just too easy to misunderstand.
rocket science eh? i know.
issue C is my parents. in short, things are going absolutely horribly for them up in oregon. they are probably going move back to arizona, but that in itself will take a lot of finagling. i can't help them anymore (since we don't have min's disability income), which depending on how you look at it, could be good or bad. i have a history of helping them too much. as do many other peoples. they sure raised me to be a good little codependent.
in any case, all i can do is fret. i am trying not to, but they ARE my parents. so it sucks.
so what to do about A/B/C? the answer is obvious: distract yourself. i already had plans to go roller skating tonight, and the timing couldn't have been better. i skated for almost two hours straight (barring a couple water stops, and 2 falling-down stops). thus, it is only now, 2 hours later, that i'm finally not feeling like jello.
it felt really good to be out there. i hadn't skated since i was oh, 13? but i used to skate like a bandit. it took me a while to feel comfortable enough to do crossovers. and they still sucked, but i was happy i got that far. i was enjoying the music so much that even though i knew i needed to stop, when def leppard came on, i just couldn't leave the floor. 3/4 thru the song tho, i had to give up. pouring tons of sugar on me would not have helped one iota, but it was fun to have the flasback.
i hope that today(!) is better than yesterday, emotionally and learning-wise (class was soooo boring, but taught by this guy's cousin so i was periodically amused). ok, off to sleep.
issue B - turned out for the most part to be a misunderstanding, thankfully. not that that made the actual argument any easier. let's just say that min and i realized that if we're starting to fight on IM, to stop. and wait to finish until we can talk on phone or in person. it's just too easy to misunderstand.
rocket science eh? i know.
issue C is my parents. in short, things are going absolutely horribly for them up in oregon. they are probably going move back to arizona, but that in itself will take a lot of finagling. i can't help them anymore (since we don't have min's disability income), which depending on how you look at it, could be good or bad. i have a history of helping them too much. as do many other peoples. they sure raised me to be a good little codependent.
in any case, all i can do is fret. i am trying not to, but they ARE my parents. so it sucks.
so what to do about A/B/C? the answer is obvious: distract yourself. i already had plans to go roller skating tonight, and the timing couldn't have been better. i skated for almost two hours straight (barring a couple water stops, and 2 falling-down stops). thus, it is only now, 2 hours later, that i'm finally not feeling like jello.
it felt really good to be out there. i hadn't skated since i was oh, 13? but i used to skate like a bandit. it took me a while to feel comfortable enough to do crossovers. and they still sucked, but i was happy i got that far. i was enjoying the music so much that even though i knew i needed to stop, when def leppard came on, i just couldn't leave the floor. 3/4 thru the song tho, i had to give up. pouring tons of sugar on me would not have helped one iota, but it was fun to have the flasback.
i hope that today(!) is better than yesterday, emotionally and learning-wise (class was soooo boring, but taught by this guy's cousin so i was periodically amused). ok, off to sleep.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
i can't concentrate
because i'm really just having the best day ever. crying in the bathroom over issue A? arguing over IM about issue B? fretting about issue C?
love. it.
love. it.
Monday, June 12, 2006
another weekend update
believe it or not, we went out TWO, count 'em, TWO days in a row this weekend. and that second day of adventuring took us once again to san leandro and to another yard sale we heard about on ba-s.
sunday's, i have to say, was incredibly lame compared to saturday. for the record, there were very few cheap deals overall, an embarrasing amount of baseball cards, the "SEALED BUNDLE" of pride parade programs was not sealed (and sitting on the grass), and finally, the "MUCH, MUCH MORE!", i believe, consisted of 2 of the dykes yelling randomly at the top of their lungs.
that said, we did get a billion printer-friendly cd labels (and bonus cassette and 3.5 floppy labels!) and certificates for a good price. also min got a couple pieces of queer jewelry including some adorable earrings. i used to be tempted by cute/cool jewelry but oh, 7 or 8 years ago i realized it was a waste of money. because i just don't remember to put it on! i have a ring, a watch, and i only remember to put on the watch 75% of the time. technically i still have hordes of jewelry, it's just all collecting dust...
anyway, after that we went to lunch to a new (to us) place in berkeley, bette's diner. not being horribly familiar with berkeley, i had no idea it was located in the midst of the yuppie mecca that is the 4th street shopping district. suffice to say it didn't take us long to spend some money on a variety of home goods. but first we ate, and i have to say, even tho i had a simple ham sandwich, it was awfully damn tasty. and the dessert (cheesecake brownie) min ordered was aMAZing. we will definitely be going there again.
most of this week i'm spending in training. today is ClearWaste (for unix, instead of windows) and i have to say, it's living up to its name quite nicely. i wouldn't have bothered with more training but i've come to realize there's some environment setup changes (webdev vs content) that i really need. tho today has been mostly boring, it's nice to get out of a bunch of meetings and be free of potential manager hoverees. which is why i can bring you this post today. ;-)
sunday's, i have to say, was incredibly lame compared to saturday. for the record, there were very few cheap deals overall, an embarrasing amount of baseball cards, the "SEALED BUNDLE" of pride parade programs was not sealed (and sitting on the grass), and finally, the "MUCH, MUCH MORE!", i believe, consisted of 2 of the dykes yelling randomly at the top of their lungs.
that said, we did get a billion printer-friendly cd labels (and bonus cassette and 3.5 floppy labels!) and certificates for a good price. also min got a couple pieces of queer jewelry including some adorable earrings. i used to be tempted by cute/cool jewelry but oh, 7 or 8 years ago i realized it was a waste of money. because i just don't remember to put it on! i have a ring, a watch, and i only remember to put on the watch 75% of the time. technically i still have hordes of jewelry, it's just all collecting dust...
anyway, after that we went to lunch to a new (to us) place in berkeley, bette's diner. not being horribly familiar with berkeley, i had no idea it was located in the midst of the yuppie mecca that is the 4th street shopping district. suffice to say it didn't take us long to spend some money on a variety of home goods. but first we ate, and i have to say, even tho i had a simple ham sandwich, it was awfully damn tasty. and the dessert (cheesecake brownie) min ordered was aMAZing. we will definitely be going there again.
most of this week i'm spending in training. today is ClearWaste (for unix, instead of windows) and i have to say, it's living up to its name quite nicely. i wouldn't have bothered with more training but i've come to realize there's some environment setup changes (webdev vs content) that i really need. tho today has been mostly boring, it's nice to get out of a bunch of meetings and be free of potential manager hoverees. which is why i can bring you this post today. ;-)
Sunday, June 11, 2006
note to self
sometimes you really do let your mind run away with itself too too much. analyzing everything to death, and with a penchant toward assuming the worst in relation to what people think about you, means that time and time again, you come to the wrong conclusion.
good thing you rarely voice those conclusions. you just fret, then when you realize everything's ok, breathe an internal sigh of relief.
so, note to self: stop assuming the worst. stop overanalyzing every minute detail and rehashing it ten million times in your brain. because i assure you, nobody else cares that much. everybody else is caught up in their own life. that's why things are never as bad as you imagine.
but don't think this means you have license to fuck up. play nice, yo.
good thing you rarely voice those conclusions. you just fret, then when you realize everything's ok, breathe an internal sigh of relief.
so, note to self: stop assuming the worst. stop overanalyzing every minute detail and rehashing it ten million times in your brain. because i assure you, nobody else cares that much. everybody else is caught up in their own life. that's why things are never as bad as you imagine.
but don't think this means you have license to fuck up. play nice, yo.
hopeful
a couple of days ago min and i saw our therapist, B. i think this is a good time to point out that B is fucking awesome. because for the first time in a LONG time, i feel hopeful. hopeful that min and i really WILL be able to work out some kind of arrangement, whereby i can be with her and other women. hopeful that maybe i really am not a complete and utter fuckup for having these desires, for not being able to rid myself of them. that it means i'm simply someone with a lot of love and high interaction quotient. someone obviously struggling with a way to deal with it, but still. that doesn't make me evil.
and oh, i have felt evil the last few months.
anyway, it was a great session, full of many oh!s and ah!s. afterwards we went to this great pasta place, valencia pizza that we last went to, oh, 2 years ago? anyway the food was still stellar, cheap, and massive in portion size. min and i split some basil cream fettucini with scrumptious shrimp and still took home leftovers.
yesterday we went up to one of the weekend's many dyke yard sales, in san leandro. got a bunch of awesome retro paper (wrapping, but could double as artwork) uber-cheap. then went to our old standby, fat apple's - the el cerrito one - for lunch, and then on to the point isabel dog park. what a great park! it was foggy but so so beautiful, right by the water. and pearl had the best time checking out all the other woofers.
i don't really have a lot else to share right now, except to say, i hope i can be patient. i know it is going to take min and i some time to sort through what kind of a relationship we are going to have in the future. *i've* been waiting so long to change things, i know it makes me feel impatient. but min's only known about this for a little over two months. we've made a lot of progress in the way we interact with each other, and hopefully we'll get even better as we go. whether we're ultimately monogamous or not, it's all still, to me, encouraging.
and oh, i have felt evil the last few months.
anyway, it was a great session, full of many oh!s and ah!s. afterwards we went to this great pasta place, valencia pizza that we last went to, oh, 2 years ago? anyway the food was still stellar, cheap, and massive in portion size. min and i split some basil cream fettucini with scrumptious shrimp and still took home leftovers.
yesterday we went up to one of the weekend's many dyke yard sales, in san leandro. got a bunch of awesome retro paper (wrapping, but could double as artwork) uber-cheap. then went to our old standby, fat apple's - the el cerrito one - for lunch, and then on to the point isabel dog park. what a great park! it was foggy but so so beautiful, right by the water. and pearl had the best time checking out all the other woofers.
i don't really have a lot else to share right now, except to say, i hope i can be patient. i know it is going to take min and i some time to sort through what kind of a relationship we are going to have in the future. *i've* been waiting so long to change things, i know it makes me feel impatient. but min's only known about this for a little over two months. we've made a lot of progress in the way we interact with each other, and hopefully we'll get even better as we go. whether we're ultimately monogamous or not, it's all still, to me, encouraging.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
since i'm getting blogger love
i'll post something i realized, after pirates came up while talking with my sister, that i really must share this with the rest of the world.
so there is a really fabulous magazine called mental floss that is power snack food for your brain. i get min a subscription to it, and several happy issues are sitting in the magazine rack in our powder room. i was in there yesterday (omg!), looked down and saw what looked like tshirt designs. i pick it up…sure nuf, some great punny wear. and now for the pirate wisdom: when life gives you scurvy, make lemonade!
yarrr!
so there is a really fabulous magazine called mental floss that is power snack food for your brain. i get min a subscription to it, and several happy issues are sitting in the magazine rack in our powder room. i was in there yesterday (omg!), looked down and saw what looked like tshirt designs. i pick it up…sure nuf, some great punny wear. and now for the pirate wisdom: when life gives you scurvy, make lemonade!
yarrr!
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
happiness is
toffee crack brought to your door, and its goodness zooming through your veins.
i mean, my god. i forgot how good this was. it may be better than a dq-licious blizzard.
i mean, my god. i forgot how good this was. it may be better than a dq-licious blizzard.
Monday, June 05, 2006
and now, the weekend report
warning: this is really long.
i would like to thank our current implementation of ClearWaste for the time to bring you this update. i hear that soon we will be getting some time-saving enhancements, and i'm glad about that, although i will miss these bonus times.
this was an interesting weekend - mostly good. saturday we got going relatively early for my eye doctor appointment at cupertino family eye care, which i believe liz referred me to a billion years ago. at any rate, they were excellent - incredibly helpful, friendly and had pretty good prices. MUCH better than the place we've been going to at valley fair.
oh and had way too many frames to choose from, which made us almost late for seeing our therapist up in SF, since we had to get lunch first. i'd seen that there was a quiznos near there, but couldn't find it so we went to a bagel place across from one of the Apple buildings. very tasty bagels.
so, up up and away...we're less than a mile from B's place and she calls on the phone. oops, she said, forgot that you bring pearl, and one of my dogs is (better but) still contagious after its hospital stay. ack. so we rescheduled to thursday. but, what to do now?
we'd already talked about maybe going to good vibes, so might as well go now! it'd been years since either of us had been to a shop like that, so we had tons of fun browsing and giggling. finally got around to the book section and i found two books i'd been interested in getting: redefining our relationships and the ethical slut. while min checked out a VERY hot photography book, i tried to pick one of the two relationship ones. i was leaning toward the ethical slut when min said, 'i think our relationship is worth paying for both.' good point.
among other things we also got this game and finally tried it out last night. didn't make it to the end - she got too sleepy after all the massage i had to give her as part of the game - but nonetheless could tell it was a very good investment. :-D
ok back to saturday. after GV we just wandered down valencia enjoying the day, people and little shops. m started to want a snack but we weren't seeing anywhere good to go. we found this place i want to say was called little osmo...cute shirts, notebooks, handmade cards...very cool. we asked for a snack rec and got pointed to tartine a few blocks away. busy but yummmy to me (min wasn't that crazy bout it). and passed the women's building on the way, which has amazing murals.
anyway afterwards we started back towards the car, since min now felt she needed some real food, we'd look for somewhere for dinner. on the way we saw a hat store with entirely too many adorable hats. after much sampling she finally settled on a cute white one with blue/green dots. she's wearing it today, so adorable!
in the interests of not meandering too much for dinner, we wanted to go to eliza's, where we'd been before. very affordable, very tasty, and adorable decor. well all that was true saturday, but they were also extremely rude regarding pearl.
in addition to being adorable, pearl's also an assistance dog now so legally businesses are required to let her come in. most places, even if they have an issue at first, once min explains the law/gives them a handout, they shut up and are very nice. but not this place. i mean, they could have been worse, but they were very snotty the whole time. anyway we went home from there and min was pretty beat so we went to bed shortly after around 10. i was not sleepy so i started reading the ethical slut.
i guess you can't put a good slut down, because i made it 1/3 of the way thru its 270+ pages that night. i highlighted away until i realized my lines were getting too wobbly, so i gave up and went to sleep.
sunday we had no plans. i realized after i woke up that this was a good thing, because i'm learning that if min has a good day with lots of running around, the next day she has to rest. pretty much all day. i read my email, ate breakfast and thought...you know what i really want to do? finish reading that slut.
so that's what i did. read, highlighted, re-read, mused, then kept reading until i finished around 2pm. i have to say, at least for me it was a really good book. and not just about being a slut. i think this book is good for anyone either in a relationship, or who wants to be in one. it makes you think about what kind of things you want - for yourself, for your partner(s) - not only sexually but emotionally. what kind of relationship do you want to have? what things could make your relationship healthier? and my favorite - how to have more constructive fights.
fights, i am coming to realize, are a necessary evil. that doesn't mean i like them one little bit, but i do think that both of us are starting to handle them better.
good thing too because as i finished the book, min woke up. she asked me what i thought of it. i said it was good, but wanted a little more time to let it sink in. she said ok, and that she wanted to read it too - today. i thought that was great and handed it over. i was getting up to get her a different pen for making notes/highlights and she said, 'i want us to get a book about monogamy too. i don't want to think we can just read this book and assume with this we can make everything just fine.'
sure, sounds good to me, i said. let's be balanced about it. but what i thought was, great. where is this going?
sure enough the next several hours involved a lot of crying (both), talking, processing, not talking, and more crying. at one point she gave me this article about gay marriage she'd printed from The Nation. i read it while she was doing something else. later i came back into the living room and she was reading it. as she finished i said, that was a good article, thanks for showing it to me.
she said, 'see, this is what marriage is about. it's about wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone. being with them through everything, growing old together. it's not just about sex.'
i said, that's what i want too. i want to spend the rest of my life with you. i love that when you and i saw that there was a 4400 marathon on today, we both wanted to watch it. i want to be married to you. i think, it's just that you and i have different definitions about what that marriage could look like.
sounds rational eh? yeah whatever. what matters is, emotionally i'm saying that she alone is not enough for me. and - in a different way than she meant - it's not completely about sex. it's about there being different parts of me that don't really go well with her, and i have ALWAYS needed to either suppress or save for my friends.
the example i brought up is my extremely dry, mock-happy, sarcastic sense of humor. she does not appreciate this (she feels it's too harsh, and i get that), but unforunately is a rather critical component to my personality. since early on in our relationship, when we set this boundary, i've either had to keep that to myself or (as i can now thank NUTS for) sometimes share it with like-minded friends.
she said something about that not being the point and i said, actually it is. the point is, i've never been able to get all of my needs met with solely you. it's unrealistic and probably unhealthy to expect that to be the case. and so, thinking that i might need other people in my life, in order to get certain needs met, is reasonable.
there's that word again. reason. emotional well-being does not necessarily have anything to do with reason. just like my feeling like i never should have said anything in the first place (in april), but also realizing i couldn't keep it in anymore. and so, there was more crying. and agreeing to not talk anymore about this until we see B on thursday.
ok fair enough. the rest of the day was pretty quiet, with us both reminding each other that we loved each other and were going to keep working on this. then later, like i said we went to bed early and had fun with our new game.
since min was sleeping, i almost came out afterwards and started blogging the weekend, but crashed since i knew i had to get up early today - presentation at work! by yours truly! and i'm very happy to say it went fine, no problems, i didn't even get horribly nervous (i hate presenting). answered a billion questions and we all went on our merry little way afterwards.
unbelievably, ClearWaste is not done yet. wow! but, i am. get up, give your eyes a rest if you made it this far. thanks for playing.
update: it wasn't little osmo, it's little otsu. their main site led me to some other awesome online shops including some sexy, knotty work at buy olympia. i am SO going to be shopping there soon.
i would like to thank our current implementation of ClearWaste for the time to bring you this update. i hear that soon we will be getting some time-saving enhancements, and i'm glad about that, although i will miss these bonus times.
this was an interesting weekend - mostly good. saturday we got going relatively early for my eye doctor appointment at cupertino family eye care, which i believe liz referred me to a billion years ago. at any rate, they were excellent - incredibly helpful, friendly and had pretty good prices. MUCH better than the place we've been going to at valley fair.
oh and had way too many frames to choose from, which made us almost late for seeing our therapist up in SF, since we had to get lunch first. i'd seen that there was a quiznos near there, but couldn't find it so we went to a bagel place across from one of the Apple buildings. very tasty bagels.
so, up up and away...we're less than a mile from B's place and she calls on the phone. oops, she said, forgot that you bring pearl, and one of my dogs is (better but) still contagious after its hospital stay. ack. so we rescheduled to thursday. but, what to do now?
we'd already talked about maybe going to good vibes, so might as well go now! it'd been years since either of us had been to a shop like that, so we had tons of fun browsing and giggling. finally got around to the book section and i found two books i'd been interested in getting: redefining our relationships and the ethical slut. while min checked out a VERY hot photography book, i tried to pick one of the two relationship ones. i was leaning toward the ethical slut when min said, 'i think our relationship is worth paying for both.' good point.
among other things we also got this game and finally tried it out last night. didn't make it to the end - she got too sleepy after all the massage i had to give her as part of the game - but nonetheless could tell it was a very good investment. :-D
ok back to saturday. after GV we just wandered down valencia enjoying the day, people and little shops. m started to want a snack but we weren't seeing anywhere good to go. we found this place i want to say was called little osmo...cute shirts, notebooks, handmade cards...very cool. we asked for a snack rec and got pointed to tartine a few blocks away. busy but yummmy to me (min wasn't that crazy bout it). and passed the women's building on the way, which has amazing murals.
anyway afterwards we started back towards the car, since min now felt she needed some real food, we'd look for somewhere for dinner. on the way we saw a hat store with entirely too many adorable hats. after much sampling she finally settled on a cute white one with blue/green dots. she's wearing it today, so adorable!
in the interests of not meandering too much for dinner, we wanted to go to eliza's, where we'd been before. very affordable, very tasty, and adorable decor. well all that was true saturday, but they were also extremely rude regarding pearl.
in addition to being adorable, pearl's also an assistance dog now so legally businesses are required to let her come in. most places, even if they have an issue at first, once min explains the law/gives them a handout, they shut up and are very nice. but not this place. i mean, they could have been worse, but they were very snotty the whole time. anyway we went home from there and min was pretty beat so we went to bed shortly after around 10. i was not sleepy so i started reading the ethical slut.
i guess you can't put a good slut down, because i made it 1/3 of the way thru its 270+ pages that night. i highlighted away until i realized my lines were getting too wobbly, so i gave up and went to sleep.
sunday we had no plans. i realized after i woke up that this was a good thing, because i'm learning that if min has a good day with lots of running around, the next day she has to rest. pretty much all day. i read my email, ate breakfast and thought...you know what i really want to do? finish reading that slut.
so that's what i did. read, highlighted, re-read, mused, then kept reading until i finished around 2pm. i have to say, at least for me it was a really good book. and not just about being a slut. i think this book is good for anyone either in a relationship, or who wants to be in one. it makes you think about what kind of things you want - for yourself, for your partner(s) - not only sexually but emotionally. what kind of relationship do you want to have? what things could make your relationship healthier? and my favorite - how to have more constructive fights.
fights, i am coming to realize, are a necessary evil. that doesn't mean i like them one little bit, but i do think that both of us are starting to handle them better.
good thing too because as i finished the book, min woke up. she asked me what i thought of it. i said it was good, but wanted a little more time to let it sink in. she said ok, and that she wanted to read it too - today. i thought that was great and handed it over. i was getting up to get her a different pen for making notes/highlights and she said, 'i want us to get a book about monogamy too. i don't want to think we can just read this book and assume with this we can make everything just fine.'
sure, sounds good to me, i said. let's be balanced about it. but what i thought was, great. where is this going?
sure enough the next several hours involved a lot of crying (both), talking, processing, not talking, and more crying. at one point she gave me this article about gay marriage she'd printed from The Nation. i read it while she was doing something else. later i came back into the living room and she was reading it. as she finished i said, that was a good article, thanks for showing it to me.
she said, 'see, this is what marriage is about. it's about wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone. being with them through everything, growing old together. it's not just about sex.'
i said, that's what i want too. i want to spend the rest of my life with you. i love that when you and i saw that there was a 4400 marathon on today, we both wanted to watch it. i want to be married to you. i think, it's just that you and i have different definitions about what that marriage could look like.
sounds rational eh? yeah whatever. what matters is, emotionally i'm saying that she alone is not enough for me. and - in a different way than she meant - it's not completely about sex. it's about there being different parts of me that don't really go well with her, and i have ALWAYS needed to either suppress or save for my friends.
the example i brought up is my extremely dry, mock-happy, sarcastic sense of humor. she does not appreciate this (she feels it's too harsh, and i get that), but unforunately is a rather critical component to my personality. since early on in our relationship, when we set this boundary, i've either had to keep that to myself or (as i can now thank NUTS for) sometimes share it with like-minded friends.
she said something about that not being the point and i said, actually it is. the point is, i've never been able to get all of my needs met with solely you. it's unrealistic and probably unhealthy to expect that to be the case. and so, thinking that i might need other people in my life, in order to get certain needs met, is reasonable.
there's that word again. reason. emotional well-being does not necessarily have anything to do with reason. just like my feeling like i never should have said anything in the first place (in april), but also realizing i couldn't keep it in anymore. and so, there was more crying. and agreeing to not talk anymore about this until we see B on thursday.
ok fair enough. the rest of the day was pretty quiet, with us both reminding each other that we loved each other and were going to keep working on this. then later, like i said we went to bed early and had fun with our new game.
since min was sleeping, i almost came out afterwards and started blogging the weekend, but crashed since i knew i had to get up early today - presentation at work! by yours truly! and i'm very happy to say it went fine, no problems, i didn't even get horribly nervous (i hate presenting). answered a billion questions and we all went on our merry little way afterwards.
unbelievably, ClearWaste is not done yet. wow! but, i am. get up, give your eyes a rest if you made it this far. thanks for playing.
update: it wasn't little osmo, it's little otsu. their main site led me to some other awesome online shops including some sexy, knotty work at buy olympia. i am SO going to be shopping there soon.
Friday, June 02, 2006
it's not just me
sometimes work is really complicated. i have a spec that involves quite a bit of css changes and was advised to go to the local guru for prototyping. that all went fine and has been very educational. then when i went to insert that into the rest of our code… didn't work quite right.
so being the self-motivated, independent (aka stubborn) person that i am, i tried to fix it myself. and i got it working (yay me!) but not without a lot of changes. so, page 1 down. then i went to page 2. fuck. i could only get 75% of it working. so i called in the guru. and damn if he wasn't just as puzzled as me and has spent several hours with me (over 2 days) trying to make things right.
he got things 95% working but not without removing a lot of the existing code… which i will have to put back. so i'm not done solving this, but at least i know it's not just me being dumb. score one for non-incompetency! a good sentiment for ending a very annoying workweek.
update: i figured out the problem. all. by. myself. GO ME.
so being the self-motivated, independent (aka stubborn) person that i am, i tried to fix it myself. and i got it working (yay me!) but not without a lot of changes. so, page 1 down. then i went to page 2. fuck. i could only get 75% of it working. so i called in the guru. and damn if he wasn't just as puzzled as me and has spent several hours with me (over 2 days) trying to make things right.
he got things 95% working but not without removing a lot of the existing code… which i will have to put back. so i'm not done solving this, but at least i know it's not just me being dumb. score one for non-incompetency! a good sentiment for ending a very annoying workweek.
update: i figured out the problem. all. by. myself. GO ME.
another record-breaker
2+ weeks i went without daydreaming about AG. and with as oddly as this jaunt started, i have to wonder if it's all really about her, or me being in love with the idea of being with her. with the idea of being a free agent.
because in the end, i know i don't want to be free. i want to be tethered. to feel that connection to another person...to know the whole of them. and i want them connected to me. sure, i can be hard to get to know (deeply) and anyone reading this blog knows me better than most. but really, i crave that intimacy more than almost anything. my mind, my skin aches for it. and apparently, with more than one person.
which i guess makes it hard when, for various reasons, that deep and abiding, playful and light, utterly rapturous connection to another soul is somehow diminished. diminished by choice, by inaction, by accident...whatever the reason, it's still no small act of torture to witness your emotional states forming a human pretzel. then again i always did love gymnastics.
i could be in a worse way. but today, i'm hating the fact that i'm so easy to push around. i'm hating my need. i'm hating the fact that just thinking about AG has me all a dither. hating that really - and with good reason - i don't think i matter that much to her. why should i? i'm not really in her life.
i'm hating the fact that things are still so difficult with min at times. hating that she's so sick that it takes all her strength to keep it together. hating what that's done and will continue to do to our relationship on so many levels.
and i guess finally, i'm hating that i'm not smart enough to figure all this shit out without fucking up my life. our lives. oh sure, a wise person would say, it's about the journey, growth can only come from struggle. yes that's true. i didn't say i wasn't smart. i'm just not always wise.
good thing we see the therapist on saturday. i need shirley mcclaine, or someone, to help me channel this stupid angst into something more productive. please.
because in the end, i know i don't want to be free. i want to be tethered. to feel that connection to another person...to know the whole of them. and i want them connected to me. sure, i can be hard to get to know (deeply) and anyone reading this blog knows me better than most. but really, i crave that intimacy more than almost anything. my mind, my skin aches for it. and apparently, with more than one person.
which i guess makes it hard when, for various reasons, that deep and abiding, playful and light, utterly rapturous connection to another soul is somehow diminished. diminished by choice, by inaction, by accident...whatever the reason, it's still no small act of torture to witness your emotional states forming a human pretzel. then again i always did love gymnastics.
i could be in a worse way. but today, i'm hating the fact that i'm so easy to push around. i'm hating my need. i'm hating the fact that just thinking about AG has me all a dither. hating that really - and with good reason - i don't think i matter that much to her. why should i? i'm not really in her life.
i'm hating the fact that things are still so difficult with min at times. hating that she's so sick that it takes all her strength to keep it together. hating what that's done and will continue to do to our relationship on so many levels.
and i guess finally, i'm hating that i'm not smart enough to figure all this shit out without fucking up my life. our lives. oh sure, a wise person would say, it's about the journey, growth can only come from struggle. yes that's true. i didn't say i wasn't smart. i'm just not always wise.
good thing we see the therapist on saturday. i need shirley mcclaine, or someone, to help me channel this stupid angst into something more productive. please.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
for the record
jukebox hero is not a good song to try to fall asleep to. even if you're only listening to it in your head.
Monday, May 29, 2006
the semi-circle of excellence continues
more cool things, some i forgot to mention last time, some new!
- i got to meet valerie. she was beautiful of course, but amazingly quiet and still, although i'm sure i timed that just right. i DID, however, get to see her bust out with a travolta-esque saturday night fever arm punch, with concordant foot dancing, a few moments before i passed her to min. that totally rocked.
- last week, i witnessed the Power Of All Of Us when threadless reprinted this beauty and it finally arrived in my home, safe, sound and delicious. i got the blue, and i'm very happy to say i successfully dropped a shirt size. woo! thank you stress!
- yesterday we did in fact head out into the Great Beyond for an adventure. the adventure took us to sausalito. the plan was to go to the caledonia street fair for a bit of craftiness and yummy food, then (particularly if the fair sucked), go to the marin headlands on the other side of 101.
well traffic was pretty thick considering the holiday weekend, so we didn't get parked and walking towards the fair until about 2pm. and, since there was no map/info on the internet about precisely where the fair started (plus we hadn't been to sausalito before), we ended up parking a half mile from the goods. but, it was a gorgeous day and we both were doing well so: on, teb!
besides we were both motivated by hunger. i'd read that there was supposed to be an array of international cuisines represented and about 150 booths. oh and music. there was music, i'd say 60-75 booths, and for food: thai, an italian place selling pizza, and two burger/beer joints (one at each end). i wanted something hot, grilled and fresh (who doesn't?) so i voted hot dog and coke and i must say, they were very tasty.
as to the craftwerks: as usual i didn't get anything, but we both enjoyed seeing more diverse crafts than we're used to seeing at events like this. including a guy who did etchings in stone. very beautiful (but naturally, expensive). min got a VERY cute handmade hat - she's gotten into wearing hats lately and some other things, i forget.
so even though there wasn't that much to see, amazingly it took us about 3 hours to meander up and down the fair. by the time we got done and back to the car we were thinking about dinner. we wanted to go to ghirardelli on the way out of town, so trolled around for a place nearby to eat. oh sure, we had our usuals but wanted to explore. so, drive...drive...didn't see anything good.
finally we caved in and just parked at the square. tried first usual - the mandarin - closed for private event! they suggested a thai place downstairs...also closed for private event! walked to tgi friday's down the street...which is now an irish bar and grill. i saw a mexican place at the cannery so we finally landed there and had some moderately good fajitas. walked back to ghirardelli and got our choco fix then headed home.
min just walked by and showed me something i found last night, outside the cannery, that i forgot about. on the sidewalk, i found a little white heart, with a rainbow swooping down across it, and a little faux diamond inside it. a little scuffed but still cute. just now she put it on a chain and says she's going to wear it to remember the great day we had yesterday (and it was a good day).
today we're hoping to go play some goofy golf. i'm so happy that she's up for going out a 2nd day in a row, especially after what (for her) was a pretty active day. and with that i will go have lunch and hope that all of you are having a good holiday weekend. :-)
- i got to meet valerie. she was beautiful of course, but amazingly quiet and still, although i'm sure i timed that just right. i DID, however, get to see her bust out with a travolta-esque saturday night fever arm punch, with concordant foot dancing, a few moments before i passed her to min. that totally rocked.
- last week, i witnessed the Power Of All Of Us when threadless reprinted this beauty and it finally arrived in my home, safe, sound and delicious. i got the blue, and i'm very happy to say i successfully dropped a shirt size. woo! thank you stress!
- yesterday we did in fact head out into the Great Beyond for an adventure. the adventure took us to sausalito. the plan was to go to the caledonia street fair for a bit of craftiness and yummy food, then (particularly if the fair sucked), go to the marin headlands on the other side of 101.
well traffic was pretty thick considering the holiday weekend, so we didn't get parked and walking towards the fair until about 2pm. and, since there was no map/info on the internet about precisely where the fair started (plus we hadn't been to sausalito before), we ended up parking a half mile from the goods. but, it was a gorgeous day and we both were doing well so: on, teb!
besides we were both motivated by hunger. i'd read that there was supposed to be an array of international cuisines represented and about 150 booths. oh and music. there was music, i'd say 60-75 booths, and for food: thai, an italian place selling pizza, and two burger/beer joints (one at each end). i wanted something hot, grilled and fresh (who doesn't?) so i voted hot dog and coke and i must say, they were very tasty.
as to the craftwerks: as usual i didn't get anything, but we both enjoyed seeing more diverse crafts than we're used to seeing at events like this. including a guy who did etchings in stone. very beautiful (but naturally, expensive). min got a VERY cute handmade hat - she's gotten into wearing hats lately and some other things, i forget.
so even though there wasn't that much to see, amazingly it took us about 3 hours to meander up and down the fair. by the time we got done and back to the car we were thinking about dinner. we wanted to go to ghirardelli on the way out of town, so trolled around for a place nearby to eat. oh sure, we had our usuals but wanted to explore. so, drive...drive...didn't see anything good.
finally we caved in and just parked at the square. tried first usual - the mandarin - closed for private event! they suggested a thai place downstairs...also closed for private event! walked to tgi friday's down the street...which is now an irish bar and grill. i saw a mexican place at the cannery so we finally landed there and had some moderately good fajitas. walked back to ghirardelli and got our choco fix then headed home.
min just walked by and showed me something i found last night, outside the cannery, that i forgot about. on the sidewalk, i found a little white heart, with a rainbow swooping down across it, and a little faux diamond inside it. a little scuffed but still cute. just now she put it on a chain and says she's going to wear it to remember the great day we had yesterday (and it was a good day).
today we're hoping to go play some goofy golf. i'm so happy that she's up for going out a 2nd day in a row, especially after what (for her) was a pretty active day. and with that i will go have lunch and hope that all of you are having a good holiday weekend. :-)
Sunday, May 28, 2006
circle of life
as good a start as any is to say, yesterday i almost blogged this:
my god. sometimes i really am brilliant.
this after only a couple of hours of fidgeting with code, and getting it to do EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED IT TO DO. that, my imaginary friends, is no small feat. especially when lately you've been feeling that you are a dufus. and i assure you, in many ways i am. but right then...so not. it was really quite nice.
do i still want to do something else (besides code) with my semi-charmed life? maybe. but i'll take these small triumphs where i can, and just see where my mind takes me later.
i really try not to blog when i'm in the throes of my Monthly Hormonic Posession (which i think from now i will refer to as MHP), but since i'm on the downside now:
wen, things are alright. it's still pretty much the same as before - there are good times and bad, and i spose that's true for anyone. mostly it's just mellow and i guess in a way that's not too shabby. but it's not particularly blog-worthy either. but some general things from the last week or so:
- i got back in touch with my sister (rather, she with me). it's really been fun chatting with her on IM, and after her saying she was going to start blogging, on a whim i told her about mine. i had decided not to tell my family about it, to keep it separate, but...fuck it. a few days later she told me she and her hubby stayed up all night reading ALL OF IT. sheesh! that's dedication. but in turn i found out this brain-not-turning-off thing is a family trait. whoops.
- so i got good convo and another good blog, yay! and then the other day i found out about cap'n picard's blog and if you like star trek you MUST read it. the first one i read was about doing the laundry and it's fucking hilarious.
- in a blogging first (for me), i am finishing this entry about 12 hours after i started it. i started it around noon, when min was still sleeping. she got up shortly after, and so then we were busy visiting, etc. since the MHP was still bothering me a lot today i wasn't up for going out as planned. so: tv, napping, eating, tv, dishes, talking...
and late tonight we did more talking than i expected. about the usual suspects of late: honesty, the lack thereof, and/or suspicion of the lack of honesty, details about former mental affairees, threats to go talk to affairees, then segueing into general communication problems and our inability to successfully conclude a difficult discussion. well, without putting the convo to an unnatural halt.
but i guess that's the thing right now. we're still learning about healthy ways to communicate about these things and are NOT good at it yet. i have trouble knowing when - and what - information/feelings to volunteer. sometimes i just want to scream at her, but sometimes i want to just scream at me. in the end it's almost always tears (both of us) and pep talks, promising to keep the faith that, with help, we will work things out. i think if nothing else tonight i realized that i really am doing a shitty job of showing her how much i love her... i just hope i wake up and give her her due. i really am lucky to have someone who loves me as much as she does, who loves me when i feel completely unworthy.
- my glorious capper to all that is, the 25th saw our 10 year anniversary. since i was knee deep in MHP hell at that time, we only went out to dinner. but a very lovely dinner at buca di beppo's. are hoping to go somewhere fun/out of town tomorrow, since i should be virtually cramp-free by then. have a rental car (regular's in the shop) with satellite radio! before i had it in my own car i knew it was cool and all but jesus. that shit's more addictive than crack i think.
ok that's more than enough. my cried out little eyes are complaining that they need to go to bed, and i'll obey now. hasta luego.
my god. sometimes i really am brilliant.
this after only a couple of hours of fidgeting with code, and getting it to do EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED IT TO DO. that, my imaginary friends, is no small feat. especially when lately you've been feeling that you are a dufus. and i assure you, in many ways i am. but right then...so not. it was really quite nice.
do i still want to do something else (besides code) with my semi-charmed life? maybe. but i'll take these small triumphs where i can, and just see where my mind takes me later.
i really try not to blog when i'm in the throes of my Monthly Hormonic Posession (which i think from now i will refer to as MHP), but since i'm on the downside now:
wen, things are alright. it's still pretty much the same as before - there are good times and bad, and i spose that's true for anyone. mostly it's just mellow and i guess in a way that's not too shabby. but it's not particularly blog-worthy either. but some general things from the last week or so:
- i got back in touch with my sister (rather, she with me). it's really been fun chatting with her on IM, and after her saying she was going to start blogging, on a whim i told her about mine. i had decided not to tell my family about it, to keep it separate, but...fuck it. a few days later she told me she and her hubby stayed up all night reading ALL OF IT. sheesh! that's dedication. but in turn i found out this brain-not-turning-off thing is a family trait. whoops.
- so i got good convo and another good blog, yay! and then the other day i found out about cap'n picard's blog and if you like star trek you MUST read it. the first one i read was about doing the laundry and it's fucking hilarious.
- in a blogging first (for me), i am finishing this entry about 12 hours after i started it. i started it around noon, when min was still sleeping. she got up shortly after, and so then we were busy visiting, etc. since the MHP was still bothering me a lot today i wasn't up for going out as planned. so: tv, napping, eating, tv, dishes, talking...
and late tonight we did more talking than i expected. about the usual suspects of late: honesty, the lack thereof, and/or suspicion of the lack of honesty, details about former mental affairees, threats to go talk to affairees, then segueing into general communication problems and our inability to successfully conclude a difficult discussion. well, without putting the convo to an unnatural halt.
but i guess that's the thing right now. we're still learning about healthy ways to communicate about these things and are NOT good at it yet. i have trouble knowing when - and what - information/feelings to volunteer. sometimes i just want to scream at her, but sometimes i want to just scream at me. in the end it's almost always tears (both of us) and pep talks, promising to keep the faith that, with help, we will work things out. i think if nothing else tonight i realized that i really am doing a shitty job of showing her how much i love her... i just hope i wake up and give her her due. i really am lucky to have someone who loves me as much as she does, who loves me when i feel completely unworthy.
- my glorious capper to all that is, the 25th saw our 10 year anniversary. since i was knee deep in MHP hell at that time, we only went out to dinner. but a very lovely dinner at buca di beppo's. are hoping to go somewhere fun/out of town tomorrow, since i should be virtually cramp-free by then. have a rental car (regular's in the shop) with satellite radio! before i had it in my own car i knew it was cool and all but jesus. that shit's more addictive than crack i think.
ok that's more than enough. my cried out little eyes are complaining that they need to go to bed, and i'll obey now. hasta luego.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
i don't think so
i just found this:
bastards!
event.cancelBubble = true;i mean, no bubbles? that's just not right.
// don't bubble the event
}
bastards!
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
fighting with my eyelids
my right eye is trying to close shut. the left one is thinking about it but for reasons unknown to me, is much sturdier against the forces of gravity. at least for now.
hey it's been a long time since i posted after midnight. and for once i'm not up for angst-related reasons. no, we went out. after an exceedingly tedious day at work, i was going to go roller skating until i found out tonight was the wrong night for the particular place i was going. bastards! so, what to do instead? so many options but instead of being wild and crazy we went to see da vinnie code. i liked it alright but min didn't - she read the book though.
on the way out of the mall (went to the newish amc eastridge near us - very nice! if a bit like being in vegas because of the looong hallways) we stopped into this lil photo booth and got silly/swoony sticker pics taken like when we first got together. and this was better because you got two sheets for $3! instead of one sheet of 4 shots. like always i didn't like any shot of myself but they were still fun to take, and to have even so.
i'm usually in charge of navigating so i volunteered to figure out how (using public transport) min was going to get to a class she's taking tomorrow in the city. yes i know about this. and thank god for it, but there were other variables and errands for tomorrow, like pearl getting dropped off, picked up for grooming, plus i actually have to work somewhere in there, blah blah blah. this is all very boring but suffice to say it took a little while to figure out what our schedule needs to be tomorrow. of course it does take longer to do that when you're also reading your email, reading other blogs, buying corn, but details.
oh and i guess, for a more emotionally compelling aspect to this post: i'm sorry to be vague but let's just say that this last weekend was not something i want to repeat. i could have broadcast "the inappropriate show" all weekend from my house. but, apologies and promises were made, and hopefully that will be that. even though it's only tuesday - well, wednesday now - things have been much much better already, thank goodness.
ok that's it for my fascinating recap. i'm calling a jihad on my eyelids. nighty night.
hey it's been a long time since i posted after midnight. and for once i'm not up for angst-related reasons. no, we went out. after an exceedingly tedious day at work, i was going to go roller skating until i found out tonight was the wrong night for the particular place i was going. bastards! so, what to do instead? so many options but instead of being wild and crazy we went to see da vinnie code. i liked it alright but min didn't - she read the book though.
on the way out of the mall (went to the newish amc eastridge near us - very nice! if a bit like being in vegas because of the looong hallways) we stopped into this lil photo booth and got silly/swoony sticker pics taken like when we first got together. and this was better because you got two sheets for $3! instead of one sheet of 4 shots. like always i didn't like any shot of myself but they were still fun to take, and to have even so.
i'm usually in charge of navigating so i volunteered to figure out how (using public transport) min was going to get to a class she's taking tomorrow in the city. yes i know about this. and thank god for it, but there were other variables and errands for tomorrow, like pearl getting dropped off, picked up for grooming, plus i actually have to work somewhere in there, blah blah blah. this is all very boring but suffice to say it took a little while to figure out what our schedule needs to be tomorrow. of course it does take longer to do that when you're also reading your email, reading other blogs, buying corn, but details.
oh and i guess, for a more emotionally compelling aspect to this post: i'm sorry to be vague but let's just say that this last weekend was not something i want to repeat. i could have broadcast "the inappropriate show" all weekend from my house. but, apologies and promises were made, and hopefully that will be that. even though it's only tuesday - well, wednesday now - things have been much much better already, thank goodness.
ok that's it for my fascinating recap. i'm calling a jihad on my eyelids. nighty night.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
working
i feel like i'm working a lot. i'm working on real work, and i'm working on looking busy at work. i hate trying to look busy...especially when my boss is behind me the whole time. so even though i had time to blog, i couldn't. but luckily i just got assigned a spec today so now i'll be busy (for real) for a few weeks. phew!
you could have blogged at home, you say. yes that's true. but i'm also working on doing better at this whole relationship thing. yes, believe it or not, kids, i am not perfect. anyway working on a relationship means not sitting in front of a computer for hours at a time (unless your partner is asleep, like she is right now). good thing this gives me time for freelance projects. but today, or at least right now, i can't generate interest in it.
but this is the thing. i realized today that for some reason, i am getting SO disinterested in being a coder. don't ask me what the hell i want to do instead - i have no idea. all i know is, this ain't floatin my boat so much anymore. that both annoys and scares me, mostly because i don't have strong ideas about replacement work. as another friend of mine would say, i don't know who or where my tribe is.
good thing that when it comes to staying employed, i move wisely. i'll spend some time thinking this over and make my move eventually without missing a beat. that, my friends, is one skill i indeed have -- staying employed. although i would trade it for a higher emotional IQ any day.
speaking of my deficiencies, and the improving of them, we did in fact see our therapist, B, last saturday. not before having a humdinger of a *discussion* on the way up there though. the only good thing i can say about that is, it sure made it easy to have a difficult discussion fresh in my mind. i am the queen of forgetfulness so that's no small issue to me. later m said she learned a lot about me and how i think during that session. i felt like i learned some, but mostly got some tools for how to handle things during a fight, and ways to express feelings in a more constructive manner. like giving each other the space (time) to respond, or negotiating a time to talk. i know it sounds simple but there are some things you just don't learn properly when growing up, and for us, these were left out. not that i'm necessarily being better about expressing my feelings...
after the therapist we went to la honda for a bonafide lesbian comedy show at a bonafide lesbian restaurant. it was pretty disappointing on all counts, actually. let's just say my broccoli was good and that wasn't the main course. and one out of 3 comics - apparently, the non-lesbian comic - was funny. one was mildly funny and the other one was flat out annoying. oh well, at least it was a pretty drive up there and back.
in other adventures, yesterday instead of going to bingo we finally made it to women's game night up in oakland. figured doing that we could actually *talk* to other people instead of spending all our time figuring out if it was B7 or N37 that got called.
and talk we did, because when we walked in (only 5 minutes late) they'd started go goddess. i about lost it when i saw it on the table. rainbows, butterflies, CANDLES...i mean, wow. i was very happy to hear the host, kara, say that it was going to be an experiment (from a friend) and if we didn't like it we'd switch to something else.
well the fact is, cheesy and suprisingly hetero-focussed as it was (good thing us dykes like to bend the rules), it was a really good way to get to know other people. because as a game for womyn (goddesses, sorry), it was all about talking, sharing, journeying. and since i didn't know anyone else there besides min, it was actually very interesting. oh and i think the best part was, the stupid candles wouldn't light. i mean, two of us got them to light, but they took work. like i guess any woman worth her salt does.
ok that's enough from me for now. except to say, congrats again to liz and andrea on their little bundle of joy, valerie. she's so beautiful. :-)
you could have blogged at home, you say. yes that's true. but i'm also working on doing better at this whole relationship thing. yes, believe it or not, kids, i am not perfect. anyway working on a relationship means not sitting in front of a computer for hours at a time (unless your partner is asleep, like she is right now). good thing this gives me time for freelance projects. but today, or at least right now, i can't generate interest in it.
but this is the thing. i realized today that for some reason, i am getting SO disinterested in being a coder. don't ask me what the hell i want to do instead - i have no idea. all i know is, this ain't floatin my boat so much anymore. that both annoys and scares me, mostly because i don't have strong ideas about replacement work. as another friend of mine would say, i don't know who or where my tribe is.
good thing that when it comes to staying employed, i move wisely. i'll spend some time thinking this over and make my move eventually without missing a beat. that, my friends, is one skill i indeed have -- staying employed. although i would trade it for a higher emotional IQ any day.
speaking of my deficiencies, and the improving of them, we did in fact see our therapist, B, last saturday. not before having a humdinger of a *discussion* on the way up there though. the only good thing i can say about that is, it sure made it easy to have a difficult discussion fresh in my mind. i am the queen of forgetfulness so that's no small issue to me. later m said she learned a lot about me and how i think during that session. i felt like i learned some, but mostly got some tools for how to handle things during a fight, and ways to express feelings in a more constructive manner. like giving each other the space (time) to respond, or negotiating a time to talk. i know it sounds simple but there are some things you just don't learn properly when growing up, and for us, these were left out. not that i'm necessarily being better about expressing my feelings...
after the therapist we went to la honda for a bonafide lesbian comedy show at a bonafide lesbian restaurant. it was pretty disappointing on all counts, actually. let's just say my broccoli was good and that wasn't the main course. and one out of 3 comics - apparently, the non-lesbian comic - was funny. one was mildly funny and the other one was flat out annoying. oh well, at least it was a pretty drive up there and back.
in other adventures, yesterday instead of going to bingo we finally made it to women's game night up in oakland. figured doing that we could actually *talk* to other people instead of spending all our time figuring out if it was B7 or N37 that got called.
and talk we did, because when we walked in (only 5 minutes late) they'd started go goddess. i about lost it when i saw it on the table. rainbows, butterflies, CANDLES...i mean, wow. i was very happy to hear the host, kara, say that it was going to be an experiment (from a friend) and if we didn't like it we'd switch to something else.
well the fact is, cheesy and suprisingly hetero-focussed as it was (good thing us dykes like to bend the rules), it was a really good way to get to know other people. because as a game for womyn (goddesses, sorry), it was all about talking, sharing, journeying. and since i didn't know anyone else there besides min, it was actually very interesting. oh and i think the best part was, the stupid candles wouldn't light. i mean, two of us got them to light, but they took work. like i guess any woman worth her salt does.
ok that's enough from me for now. except to say, congrats again to liz and andrea on their little bundle of joy, valerie. she's so beautiful. :-)
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
wen...this one's for you
This is for wen, my little commenting cheerleader (thanks wen :-). So what’s new with me since my last semi-whiny post?
Well, what’s new today is my work computer died. kaPUTZkie! The hard drive is getting replaced and re-imaged now, I should have it back tomorrow. Meantime I would like to thank liz for being on maternity leave so I could use her computer.
oh AND! i was not brilliant enough to solve my coding problems at work, but a very smart guy in our group was. with his help, and then additional work based off that (by yours truly), i was able to get everything magically delicious. phew!
In personal drama news (internal or otherwise) I would like to report there has been no real drama to speak of. Although I did unexpectedly stumble into an email convo with AG. I hadn’t talked to her for weeks. And turns out that was intentional on both our sides. Breathers are good. I still feel a bit … crazy … when I think about her. Crazy because I can’t have her, and that reminds me that I wish I didn’t want to have her and was content with monogamy. BUT it does feel good to have a normal (silly and serious) conversation with her, like we’re at least partially restoring normalcy.
Other relationship news…well it’s like I told AG. Things will be fine (calm, happy, sexy, playful) for anywhere from a few hours to a few days. Then they won’t be. There will be angst-ridden discussions aplenty, etc. So, that’s difficult, but all to be expected as I imagine.
We see the therapist again this weekend. Did I start on my homework? Well actually yes. Am I going to get a second revision in before Saturday? Hell no. But at least I did the first draft. :-D
Ok that’s all I have time for today, what with all my puter fun. Wen, get some sleep and vitamin C!
Well, what’s new today is my work computer died. kaPUTZkie! The hard drive is getting replaced and re-imaged now, I should have it back tomorrow. Meantime I would like to thank liz for being on maternity leave so I could use her computer.
oh AND! i was not brilliant enough to solve my coding problems at work, but a very smart guy in our group was. with his help, and then additional work based off that (by yours truly), i was able to get everything magically delicious. phew!
In personal drama news (internal or otherwise) I would like to report there has been no real drama to speak of. Although I did unexpectedly stumble into an email convo with AG. I hadn’t talked to her for weeks. And turns out that was intentional on both our sides. Breathers are good. I still feel a bit … crazy … when I think about her. Crazy because I can’t have her, and that reminds me that I wish I didn’t want to have her and was content with monogamy. BUT it does feel good to have a normal (silly and serious) conversation with her, like we’re at least partially restoring normalcy.
Other relationship news…well it’s like I told AG. Things will be fine (calm, happy, sexy, playful) for anywhere from a few hours to a few days. Then they won’t be. There will be angst-ridden discussions aplenty, etc. So, that’s difficult, but all to be expected as I imagine.
We see the therapist again this weekend. Did I start on my homework? Well actually yes. Am I going to get a second revision in before Saturday? Hell no. But at least I did the first draft. :-D
Ok that’s all I have time for today, what with all my puter fun. Wen, get some sleep and vitamin C!
Friday, May 05, 2006
how to screw yourself over
tip #4003 in an ongoing series:
1. go to the blog of The Person Who's Driving You Crazy (the same one that you'd decided to stop visiting).
2. in reading a post, realize that you have yet another thing in common/similarity. so, no *wonder* they're irresistable.
today, that thing happened to be a quiz, and i got the same result as her. and i can't tell you how many times that's happened to me, for her. that in yet another way, we are the same.
sigh.
on a somewhat more upbeat note, a series of miscommunications with min earlier today ended in a better place. i'm sorry that had to happen, but at least we worked it out. i guess that is the other ongoing series -- "learning to communicate". i hope that series has a happy ending.
and now that i've spent 10.25 hours demonstrating my incompetency at work (i'm not kidding. this has been a shit week for work), it's time to go home. and i get to prove my incompetency more tomorrow, too! w.o.o.
1. go to the blog of The Person Who's Driving You Crazy (the same one that you'd decided to stop visiting).
2. in reading a post, realize that you have yet another thing in common/similarity. so, no *wonder* they're irresistable.
today, that thing happened to be a quiz, and i got the same result as her. and i can't tell you how many times that's happened to me, for her. that in yet another way, we are the same.
sigh.
on a somewhat more upbeat note, a series of miscommunications with min earlier today ended in a better place. i'm sorry that had to happen, but at least we worked it out. i guess that is the other ongoing series -- "learning to communicate". i hope that series has a happy ending.
and now that i've spent 10.25 hours demonstrating my incompetency at work (i'm not kidding. this has been a shit week for work), it's time to go home. and i get to prove my incompetency more tomorrow, too! w.o.o.
i feel *
on tuesday of this week we saw the therapist finally. this was almost two weeks ahead of schedule. why? because the previous week, after i posted this (and yes, if you're playing at home, i really *was* suicidal. and yes, i've felt that way a lot this year), i decided to go home and talk to min.
i'd been crying off and on a lot of the week already. complicating matters was the fact that it was That Time for me, and i kept trying to attribute my extra emotionality to demonic hormones. but several conversations with min were just convincing me that i was fucked up. now mind you, she was not sitting there yelling, 'you're fucked up!'. no, she was just telling me how she felt about things, and i'd say how i felt about things, questions were asked, etc. and the end results were that i kept feeling like i was a complete fucking asshole for wanting what i did, AND that i wished more than anything that i could NOT feel the way i did. i wishedthat i could take this perverse desire for other women, to not be happy with solely min, and eradicate it from my brain.
and at the same time, thank you very much, part of me still wanted what i said in the first place: to have an open relationship with min, because despite everything she is still the woman i love most in this world, and have felt the most connection with. and yeah, then i'd want to be with AG too. wouldn't happen because she's not ok with open relationships, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it. thank god (hah), that she seems to have backed off from me, because it's making it easier to be mad at her. hopefully my being mad, not reading her blog anymore (thank you bloglines), eventually that means i'll stop wanting her, wanting to have any kind of interaction with her, too. it certainly has worked in the past. i hope it works soon.
ok sorry, tangent. anyway, so i went home to min and spilled the beans about how i was feeling. my supreme idiocy, despair, etc. she pushed me (us) to see the therapist sooner because she was (rightly) worried about me and made me promise not to hurt myself. although i didn't want to, i agreed. by saturday, we got an appointment with the therapist for tuesday afternoon. meantime we tried to not get too heavy with the convo, while we waited.
our therapist (i'll call her B) is in SF - a little hike. B was very nice, clear, and gave us a) some good feedback already and b) tips/tricks for trying to communicate difficult feelings/topics. we also got homework for next time (13th) which is to write down a list of a feelings we've had difficulty discussing. i feel * -- and i feel that this will be a difficult list to write.
we also formalized (wrote down and signed) 2 verbal agreement we'd already made, plus a new one. which were 1) to not do anything to harm ourselves without talking to each other and/or B; 2) to be completely honest with each other about everything; and (the new one) 3) to always express our feelings in a physically safe manner. this last one was borne out of the picture frame/glass-smashing incident, which for the record, i did not bring up. but once it came up, B wanted to talk about it for a good few minutes.
and this is why a therapist is great. because i didn't think through my *feelings* about that situation in gory detail, but B made me. and it was good to do that if for no other reason to recognize what they all were, and that they were valid. being unsafe is not ok. thus, the agreement. now, i didn't really think that min (or i) was going to start smashing everything in the house, but that's what agreements are for. so everyone knows the rules.
and now that we've formalized those rules, including that big one about honesty, i would think that even if you have some doubts about whether or not someone's being honest, because of the agreement, you're going to at least *outwardly* presume someone's being honest and proceed as if they are, until proven guilty. sounds reasonable right?
wrong. apparently what's reasonable is to act that way half the time, but spend the rest of the time asking questions in a jealous and/or suspicious manner. questions like, what are you doing on the computer? chatting with other girls? having an affair? or, are you still talking to AG? why not? don't you still want her? how does that affect how you feel about me? have you really told me everything about her? the others?
and of course these questions have to be asked more than once. also, i get that asking about The Other Woman is natural but do i really have to answer the same thing over and over? well duh, apparently i do. ok i'm stopping there because a) this is long enough and b) all those stupid scripts i've been waiting on just finished. anyway, meantime i'll ask my lurkers (and wen) to send some good thoughts over because this process, it feels like it's sucking my soul.
i'd been crying off and on a lot of the week already. complicating matters was the fact that it was That Time for me, and i kept trying to attribute my extra emotionality to demonic hormones. but several conversations with min were just convincing me that i was fucked up. now mind you, she was not sitting there yelling, 'you're fucked up!'. no, she was just telling me how she felt about things, and i'd say how i felt about things, questions were asked, etc. and the end results were that i kept feeling like i was a complete fucking asshole for wanting what i did, AND that i wished more than anything that i could NOT feel the way i did. i wishedthat i could take this perverse desire for other women, to not be happy with solely min, and eradicate it from my brain.
and at the same time, thank you very much, part of me still wanted what i said in the first place: to have an open relationship with min, because despite everything she is still the woman i love most in this world, and have felt the most connection with. and yeah, then i'd want to be with AG too. wouldn't happen because she's not ok with open relationships, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it. thank god (hah), that she seems to have backed off from me, because it's making it easier to be mad at her. hopefully my being mad, not reading her blog anymore (thank you bloglines), eventually that means i'll stop wanting her, wanting to have any kind of interaction with her, too. it certainly has worked in the past. i hope it works soon.
ok sorry, tangent. anyway, so i went home to min and spilled the beans about how i was feeling. my supreme idiocy, despair, etc. she pushed me (us) to see the therapist sooner because she was (rightly) worried about me and made me promise not to hurt myself. although i didn't want to, i agreed. by saturday, we got an appointment with the therapist for tuesday afternoon. meantime we tried to not get too heavy with the convo, while we waited.
our therapist (i'll call her B) is in SF - a little hike. B was very nice, clear, and gave us a) some good feedback already and b) tips/tricks for trying to communicate difficult feelings/topics. we also got homework for next time (13th) which is to write down a list of a feelings we've had difficulty discussing. i feel * -- and i feel that this will be a difficult list to write.
we also formalized (wrote down and signed) 2 verbal agreement we'd already made, plus a new one. which were 1) to not do anything to harm ourselves without talking to each other and/or B; 2) to be completely honest with each other about everything; and (the new one) 3) to always express our feelings in a physically safe manner. this last one was borne out of the picture frame/glass-smashing incident, which for the record, i did not bring up. but once it came up, B wanted to talk about it for a good few minutes.
and this is why a therapist is great. because i didn't think through my *feelings* about that situation in gory detail, but B made me. and it was good to do that if for no other reason to recognize what they all were, and that they were valid. being unsafe is not ok. thus, the agreement. now, i didn't really think that min (or i) was going to start smashing everything in the house, but that's what agreements are for. so everyone knows the rules.
and now that we've formalized those rules, including that big one about honesty, i would think that even if you have some doubts about whether or not someone's being honest, because of the agreement, you're going to at least *outwardly* presume someone's being honest and proceed as if they are, until proven guilty. sounds reasonable right?
wrong. apparently what's reasonable is to act that way half the time, but spend the rest of the time asking questions in a jealous and/or suspicious manner. questions like, what are you doing on the computer? chatting with other girls? having an affair? or, are you still talking to AG? why not? don't you still want her? how does that affect how you feel about me? have you really told me everything about her? the others?
and of course these questions have to be asked more than once. also, i get that asking about The Other Woman is natural but do i really have to answer the same thing over and over? well duh, apparently i do. ok i'm stopping there because a) this is long enough and b) all those stupid scripts i've been waiting on just finished. anyway, meantime i'll ask my lurkers (and wen) to send some good thoughts over because this process, it feels like it's sucking my soul.
5 for fighting
well i had a very long day at work but for some reason i can't go to sleep yet. so here's my go round, exciting as it is.
5 nicknames you have or had
zoopers
bunny
queen(ie)
shazam
bubbles
5 sweet treats you like to eat
anything ghirardelli
ice cream
sonoma chicken's hockey puck
i'm gonna bend the rules to include "drink" and make my last 2: toffee crack and turtle blasts
5 things people would be surprised you have
- a gift for saying the wrong thing
- a penchant for bubble gum music (is it wrong to know the words to kelly clarkson songs?)
- 9 surgical scars
- 10 active email addresses
- perfect pitch (musical)
5 fabulous celebrations
- my commitment ceremony to min. we had so many friends who came together for us, it really was a celebration. followed by:
- our honeymoon down in socal. disneyland, the beach, and a week of romance.
- maybe 5 years ago, had an extra super fun christmas at my parents (when they still had a house). lots of games, good foods and of course, presents.
- the "funeral" for my paternal grandparents. we took both their ashes to lover's point in pacific grove, talked about them, had a picnic, and just reveled in the day and in memories. so, andrea, i get it. :-)
ok that's only 4 but i don't get out much.
5 things you'd like to have
- an off switch for my brain
- *monogamous contentment (with min) and on a similar note:
- *to be rid of my AG fixation
- min to be healthy (and happy)
- a night where i don't get grilled for things i didn't do (ok, that doesn't happen ALL the time, but it's happening a lot lately)
* and yes, i also spend a lot of time NOT wanting those things (e.g., happy to be poly and with AG)
5 cool presents you've received
- a drawing pad, cool pencils and a calvin&hobbes book (when i used to draw voraciously)
- trips to the ocean (several)
- leather jacket
- $1000 just because i rocked
- love
5 things you've collected
books
medical receipts
rubber stamps (used to)
bug fu awards
dust
no really that's it. i'm not a collector.
5 books you've read in the past 5 years
state of fear, crichton (JUST finished)
the da vinci legacy, perdue
deception point, brown
dancing barefoot, wheaton
manifesta, baumgardner/richards
5 slang terms you use regularly
dude
yo
i'm going to include acronyms because those get MAJOR mileage:
wtf
jas
STFU
A multiple of 5 people you'd like to tap for this
i don't know if all these folks still visit (regularly), but:
min
liz
snowflake
mr. brady
vivo
5 nicknames you have or had
zoopers
bunny
queen(ie)
shazam
bubbles
5 sweet treats you like to eat
anything ghirardelli
ice cream
sonoma chicken's hockey puck
i'm gonna bend the rules to include "drink" and make my last 2: toffee crack and turtle blasts
5 things people would be surprised you have
- a gift for saying the wrong thing
- a penchant for bubble gum music (is it wrong to know the words to kelly clarkson songs?)
- 9 surgical scars
- 10 active email addresses
- perfect pitch (musical)
5 fabulous celebrations
- my commitment ceremony to min. we had so many friends who came together for us, it really was a celebration. followed by:
- our honeymoon down in socal. disneyland, the beach, and a week of romance.
- maybe 5 years ago, had an extra super fun christmas at my parents (when they still had a house). lots of games, good foods and of course, presents.
- the "funeral" for my paternal grandparents. we took both their ashes to lover's point in pacific grove, talked about them, had a picnic, and just reveled in the day and in memories. so, andrea, i get it. :-)
ok that's only 4 but i don't get out much.
5 things you'd like to have
- an off switch for my brain
- *monogamous contentment (with min) and on a similar note:
- *to be rid of my AG fixation
- min to be healthy (and happy)
- a night where i don't get grilled for things i didn't do (ok, that doesn't happen ALL the time, but it's happening a lot lately)
* and yes, i also spend a lot of time NOT wanting those things (e.g., happy to be poly and with AG)
5 cool presents you've received
- a drawing pad, cool pencils and a calvin&hobbes book (when i used to draw voraciously)
- trips to the ocean (several)
- leather jacket
- $1000 just because i rocked
- love
5 things you've collected
books
medical receipts
rubber stamps (used to)
bug fu awards
dust
no really that's it. i'm not a collector.
5 books you've read in the past 5 years
state of fear, crichton (JUST finished)
the da vinci legacy, perdue
deception point, brown
dancing barefoot, wheaton
manifesta, baumgardner/richards
5 slang terms you use regularly
dude
yo
i'm going to include acronyms because those get MAJOR mileage:
wtf
jas
STFU
A multiple of 5 people you'd like to tap for this
i don't know if all these folks still visit (regularly), but:
min
liz
snowflake
mr. brady
vivo
Thursday, May 04, 2006
it has been a rough week or so
and to those of you tagging me for a meme (the lovelies wen, cheddah and (i think) andrea), i will try to reply soon. right now i'm just trying to keep it together. thanks for wanting to hear from me. :-)
Thursday, April 27, 2006
a tale told by an idiot
i know i like everyone to think otherwise, but i am an idiot. do not be fooled by my witty dialogue. do not be fooled by my diverse educational background or my beautiful bug fu awards.
because when it comes to what's important in life, i am an idiot. i don't know what i'm doing and should not be trusted with the emotional well being of others, to say nothing of my own. sure, at one point i thought perhaps i knew what i was doing. but i was very, very wrong.
in other words, things are not that great right now. there has been no new drama per se, just conversations crystallizing this fact for me. i hope that someday things will be better, but given my supreme ability to fuck things up, i doubt it. i don't trust myself to make a sound decision, want the right things, or keep my mouth shut about it if i don't want the right things.
i have to leave work early today because it's my last day in this half-assed cube. i'm going to miss this little half-assed cube if for no other reason than it's Not Across From My Boss. and - issues with my current boss aside - it's never low pressure sitting across from your boss. i guess, unless you're sleeping with your boss. or if you're your own boss. but neither of these things are the case today. anyway, i'm hoping that going home, not thinking about work for a while, maybe walking the dog or something, will help me clear my head.
then again all those things are just another venue for my idiocy.
because when it comes to what's important in life, i am an idiot. i don't know what i'm doing and should not be trusted with the emotional well being of others, to say nothing of my own. sure, at one point i thought perhaps i knew what i was doing. but i was very, very wrong.
in other words, things are not that great right now. there has been no new drama per se, just conversations crystallizing this fact for me. i hope that someday things will be better, but given my supreme ability to fuck things up, i doubt it. i don't trust myself to make a sound decision, want the right things, or keep my mouth shut about it if i don't want the right things.
i have to leave work early today because it's my last day in this half-assed cube. i'm going to miss this little half-assed cube if for no other reason than it's Not Across From My Boss. and - issues with my current boss aside - it's never low pressure sitting across from your boss. i guess, unless you're sleeping with your boss. or if you're your own boss. but neither of these things are the case today. anyway, i'm hoping that going home, not thinking about work for a while, maybe walking the dog or something, will help me clear my head.
then again all those things are just another venue for my idiocy.
Monday, April 24, 2006
thank you, ClearWaste
for yet another morning where i have to wait to work because of you.
last week was hectic at work, and this week looks to be the same. so it was nice to have a quiet weekend. i had the bright idea to try to get a last-minute hotel room down near monterey, but fate was not on our side. or at least not in our checkbook - despite a couple hours of scouring the internet, i couldn't find a cheap but nice room.
so midday saturday we decided instead to go bowling and have dinner using coupons from the entertainment book. why not try someplace new and save money? but on the way up, min started to get very ill so we had to turn around. at home we cuddled on the couch a bit i think. i definitely remember watching my date with drew which was a LOT funnier than i expected. if you like reality tv/documentaries and watching a dork go for a dream, check it out.
sunday we tried again for bowling. min started to get sick again but forged ahead and felt better a little later. we figured out there was something in the air (we went near a construction site) that was affecting her breathing. very odd! so we went a different way home later. anyway, we finally made it to our coupon-friendly bowling center, which was bigger than i expected. i think it had 60 lanes. we got there around 1pm so it wasn't very busy which was nice.
it had been 10+ years since min or i bowled so our games were pretty uneven. but we didn't care, we had a blast! there were some technical difficulties with the lane and we got comped an extra half hour. everyone there was pretty nice and the food at the little cafe was pretty good! both agreed we want to do that again soon, but probably somewhere closer to home. altho we'll probably go up there again too because hah, we didn't even use the coupon. they had a special on early sundays that beat our coupon price.
anyway afterwards min was hungry and we started looking for somewhere to get her a bite. i don't think we ever got her an actual snack but we did end up shopping at a little asian market and got many noodles, sauces, and fresh veggies for later consumption. we came home, perched with pearl on the couch and watched the rest of bloodwork, which we'd rented on netflix. and yeah, if you haven't seen that, don't bother.
ok clearwaste is done wasting my time for the moment. hope those of you still listening had a good weekend as well. :-)
last week was hectic at work, and this week looks to be the same. so it was nice to have a quiet weekend. i had the bright idea to try to get a last-minute hotel room down near monterey, but fate was not on our side. or at least not in our checkbook - despite a couple hours of scouring the internet, i couldn't find a cheap but nice room.
so midday saturday we decided instead to go bowling and have dinner using coupons from the entertainment book. why not try someplace new and save money? but on the way up, min started to get very ill so we had to turn around. at home we cuddled on the couch a bit i think. i definitely remember watching my date with drew which was a LOT funnier than i expected. if you like reality tv/documentaries and watching a dork go for a dream, check it out.
sunday we tried again for bowling. min started to get sick again but forged ahead and felt better a little later. we figured out there was something in the air (we went near a construction site) that was affecting her breathing. very odd! so we went a different way home later. anyway, we finally made it to our coupon-friendly bowling center, which was bigger than i expected. i think it had 60 lanes. we got there around 1pm so it wasn't very busy which was nice.
it had been 10+ years since min or i bowled so our games were pretty uneven. but we didn't care, we had a blast! there were some technical difficulties with the lane and we got comped an extra half hour. everyone there was pretty nice and the food at the little cafe was pretty good! both agreed we want to do that again soon, but probably somewhere closer to home. altho we'll probably go up there again too because hah, we didn't even use the coupon. they had a special on early sundays that beat our coupon price.
anyway afterwards min was hungry and we started looking for somewhere to get her a bite. i don't think we ever got her an actual snack but we did end up shopping at a little asian market and got many noodles, sauces, and fresh veggies for later consumption. we came home, perched with pearl on the couch and watched the rest of bloodwork, which we'd rented on netflix. and yeah, if you haven't seen that, don't bother.
ok clearwaste is done wasting my time for the moment. hope those of you still listening had a good weekend as well. :-)
Saturday, April 22, 2006
mmm...beaver!
mmm...beaver!
Originally uploaded by heatherama.
here's the yummy cup i mentioned the other day. posted a few other pics too, mostly of pearl, naturally.
but man i love this cup. as soon as i saw it, i knew it had to be mine.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Thursday, April 20, 2006
the truth is out there
apparently it's out there, because min and i have been going out a lot the last week or so. and the truth is that i am a lot happier. i think min is too, at least in some ways. in other ways i know she is sadder. i'm sorry that that's the case, but i'm hoping that's just short term as we're making things better.
so, since last monday: we've gone to bingo twice - and i won once! good cheap fun. last night was an anniversary of something so there was free cake. and OMG click on that bingo link and check out the shot of people playing. last night i sat next to the dyke with blonde hair, and the guy next to her in the polo shirt, he was across from me! wow. i mean, the woman looked like a veteran what with her 10 bazillion daubers. the amount in the pic - that has to be half of what she has now.
ok also this last weeked was a blast. saturday we went to el pollo loco for lunch, which i haven't been to in years. pretty good! and then we went to nickel city and won ourselves some candy, erasers, and a cute little clock for only $10 in tickets. also min got a cool tshirt and me two awesome glasses (one is about great tasting beaver, i will have to get a pic soon) at a head shop.
sunday…oh we went to mimi's café for a very late lunch then saw inside man, which was interesting but not stellar. did have the very sleek looking jodie foster in it though, and other good actors as well.
and in between and around all of this there has been an amazing amount of closeness. sure, there's been more processing and crying too. that's natural as we're trying to sort out where we are and where we're going (but also waiting for some things til we get to the therapist in a couple weeks). but meantime….man. let's just say that i have had several very excellent mornings in a row, including today. making me not even care that i'm having to wait on clearwaste (again) before i can do my work. FlagBouncingBubblesEnabled.
so, since last monday: we've gone to bingo twice - and i won once! good cheap fun. last night was an anniversary of something so there was free cake. and OMG click on that bingo link and check out the shot of people playing. last night i sat next to the dyke with blonde hair, and the guy next to her in the polo shirt, he was across from me! wow. i mean, the woman looked like a veteran what with her 10 bazillion daubers. the amount in the pic - that has to be half of what she has now.
ok also this last weeked was a blast. saturday we went to el pollo loco for lunch, which i haven't been to in years. pretty good! and then we went to nickel city and won ourselves some candy, erasers, and a cute little clock for only $10 in tickets. also min got a cool tshirt and me two awesome glasses (one is about great tasting beaver, i will have to get a pic soon) at a head shop.
sunday…oh we went to mimi's café for a very late lunch then saw inside man, which was interesting but not stellar. did have the very sleek looking jodie foster in it though, and other good actors as well.
and in between and around all of this there has been an amazing amount of closeness. sure, there's been more processing and crying too. that's natural as we're trying to sort out where we are and where we're going (but also waiting for some things til we get to the therapist in a couple weeks). but meantime….man. let's just say that i have had several very excellent mornings in a row, including today. making me not even care that i'm having to wait on clearwaste (again) before i can do my work. FlagBouncingBubblesEnabled.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
moving towards the truth, part IV
this is the last and most lengthy installment in terms of recapping my madcap adventures over the last week. and i would like to thank all those little technical difficulties at work for allowing me to finish this during the day.
monday morning. min was last seen exiting stage left. i finish in the bathroom and go out to find a note from min - addressed to lori - saying that she couldn't stay (they were going to go to santa cruz) and hoped lori understood. well that could mean anything so i woke lori up. she wasn't really sure either so i tried calling their sister wilma. turns out min had called, and had been asked to call our VM and leave current phone numbers, so that min could call her back. we took this as a good sign that she would be returning to the house (no remote retrieval). i decided to work from home that day so i could be there when she got back - and sure enough she did, around 1130.
thus begins the super high drama portion of the day. she wouldn't talk to me at all. ignored what i said. i kept talking though, following her. followed into the bedroom where she was packing up clothes etc for herself. then she takes two of our framed pictures off the wall and smashes them against the bed/floor/etc. also a pic of herself that i had framed. so there's glass everywhere and both lori and i are getting freaked out, because this is not safe. i take pearl away (put her in her kennel, took her out of the room) because i am NOT letting her hurt the dog. all during this there's lots of yelling. by the time i get back to the bedroom, min's running out of the house and takes off again in the car.
she came back about 10 minutes later. she is calmer now, but still very angry and hurt. wants to know if i intend to work things out with her, do i really love her. i said i want to work it out but that i really just don't know if we could. i can't tell the future. but i don't know if i have enough left to make it work.
she goes into the living room with lori and they start talking. there is more talking for about an hour, again me trying to explain that i am willing to try to work it out and not see anyone else for now. again her not hearing that, just hearing what i'd said *at the very beginning and not since*, which was that i wanted the open relationship and to be with this other person. and round and round we go.
around 1 they left because min had a dentist appt. meantime i got to spend over an hour cleaning up the glass so that no animals or humans could be harmed in the walking of the bedroom. if i remember right i also got an affirmative (re: dating) from AG around here.
anyway, i got the feeling lori and min must've had some good talks during their trip because by the time min got home around 530, she was much calmer. still upset of course but calmer.
she wanted to talk about what her options were. some options i'm not going to discuss, because believe it or not, there are things i'm not willing to share. but at any rate, the final option was actually trying to *fight* for me, for our relationship.
she said what is it about me that you love? then, don't love? like what's changed for you? i said, some of this is about long term issues and no change in you. but the rest, i realized after having a minute to think, is that i felt like she's not the same person i fell in love with. SHE had changed, withdrawn into this shell of a person. and i know why, it's because she's just hanging on, trying to survive her illness. but, she'd still taken an inward spiral towards less interaction with me. and sure, it's not like she never talked to me, or was never joyful, but mostly things focussed on her health, or cooking/house issues/puppy. i tried talking to her about other things sometimes, but often she just didn't have it in her, and so in turn, we didn't have too much to talk about any more.
and she got it. she's like, you're right, i have changed. i started turning into your parents (house-bound folks obsessed with their own ailing health). and i love you so much, i want to be with you so much, i can't believe i forgot to show you. and so she comes closer and starts to give me a kiss.
and she comes in with a kiss that was so great and so weird that i'll probably never forget it. it was great because it was just hot and led to a several hour sex bonanza. but it was weird in that within an instant i thought, oh…THIS is what it's like to kiss her like that! because it had been SO LONG since we had kissed so passionately, that i forgot what it was like.
a few minutes later i started crying because of that. and then she did, because she felt so horrible about it.
we talked about that some more between bouts of monkeyness and more crying. so much crying, on both our parts. but overall, the evening it was a good start to trying to be more honest, more joyful, and admitting what we need or don't.
a key issue was needing to spend some time working on getting our relationship better, going to a therapist, etc, before bringing others in. that's 100% fair and in retrospect, i feel like a complete fucking ass for bringing it up before we sought therapeutic help. or i guess to be more precise:
monday morning. min was last seen exiting stage left. i finish in the bathroom and go out to find a note from min - addressed to lori - saying that she couldn't stay (they were going to go to santa cruz) and hoped lori understood. well that could mean anything so i woke lori up. she wasn't really sure either so i tried calling their sister wilma. turns out min had called, and had been asked to call our VM and leave current phone numbers, so that min could call her back. we took this as a good sign that she would be returning to the house (no remote retrieval). i decided to work from home that day so i could be there when she got back - and sure enough she did, around 1130.
thus begins the super high drama portion of the day. she wouldn't talk to me at all. ignored what i said. i kept talking though, following her. followed into the bedroom where she was packing up clothes etc for herself. then she takes two of our framed pictures off the wall and smashes them against the bed/floor/etc. also a pic of herself that i had framed. so there's glass everywhere and both lori and i are getting freaked out, because this is not safe. i take pearl away (put her in her kennel, took her out of the room) because i am NOT letting her hurt the dog. all during this there's lots of yelling. by the time i get back to the bedroom, min's running out of the house and takes off again in the car.
she came back about 10 minutes later. she is calmer now, but still very angry and hurt. wants to know if i intend to work things out with her, do i really love her. i said i want to work it out but that i really just don't know if we could. i can't tell the future. but i don't know if i have enough left to make it work.
she goes into the living room with lori and they start talking. there is more talking for about an hour, again me trying to explain that i am willing to try to work it out and not see anyone else for now. again her not hearing that, just hearing what i'd said *at the very beginning and not since*, which was that i wanted the open relationship and to be with this other person. and round and round we go.
around 1 they left because min had a dentist appt. meantime i got to spend over an hour cleaning up the glass so that no animals or humans could be harmed in the walking of the bedroom. if i remember right i also got an affirmative (re: dating) from AG around here.
anyway, i got the feeling lori and min must've had some good talks during their trip because by the time min got home around 530, she was much calmer. still upset of course but calmer.
she wanted to talk about what her options were. some options i'm not going to discuss, because believe it or not, there are things i'm not willing to share. but at any rate, the final option was actually trying to *fight* for me, for our relationship.
she said what is it about me that you love? then, don't love? like what's changed for you? i said, some of this is about long term issues and no change in you. but the rest, i realized after having a minute to think, is that i felt like she's not the same person i fell in love with. SHE had changed, withdrawn into this shell of a person. and i know why, it's because she's just hanging on, trying to survive her illness. but, she'd still taken an inward spiral towards less interaction with me. and sure, it's not like she never talked to me, or was never joyful, but mostly things focussed on her health, or cooking/house issues/puppy. i tried talking to her about other things sometimes, but often she just didn't have it in her, and so in turn, we didn't have too much to talk about any more.
and she got it. she's like, you're right, i have changed. i started turning into your parents (house-bound folks obsessed with their own ailing health). and i love you so much, i want to be with you so much, i can't believe i forgot to show you. and so she comes closer and starts to give me a kiss.
and she comes in with a kiss that was so great and so weird that i'll probably never forget it. it was great because it was just hot and led to a several hour sex bonanza. but it was weird in that within an instant i thought, oh…THIS is what it's like to kiss her like that! because it had been SO LONG since we had kissed so passionately, that i forgot what it was like.
a few minutes later i started crying because of that. and then she did, because she felt so horrible about it.
we talked about that some more between bouts of monkeyness and more crying. so much crying, on both our parts. but overall, the evening it was a good start to trying to be more honest, more joyful, and admitting what we need or don't.
a key issue was needing to spend some time working on getting our relationship better, going to a therapist, etc, before bringing others in. that's 100% fair and in retrospect, i feel like a complete fucking ass for bringing it up before we sought therapeutic help. or i guess to be more precise:
- since last monday, min and i have talked, laughed, cried, loved and gone out to do fun activities more than we have in a looooong time. more on that next time.
- despite what i said before, i think i do have enough love for min to work things out. in the last week, i have seen more of the min i fell in love with. and that it makes me really hopeful
- even though that's filling me up with so much more happiness - for both of us - that doesn't mean that i'm not sad about missing out on AG.
- and on that note, AG wrote to me earlier today to clarify it's not that she didn't want me, she just doesn't like the idea of having to share. ok fine, i don't like it but i can respect that. and even so, this changes nothing. there will be no dating of AG, probably ever. mostly i'm just happy to have not misread her as horribly as i thought. and i'm hoping that knowing this will help me to move on.
and now, the humor report
i don't know why -- i haven't seen anything egyptian, with steve martin in it, or SNL lately -- but this morning i woke up with this song in my head. it's rather addictive. and thank you internet for making it so real all over again!
Monday, April 17, 2006
moving towards the truth, part III
so my last serial had me, in january, struggling with a) maintaining a healthy relationship with min b) falling out of love with one woman and c) my attraction to AG. and if i may jump to today for a moment, may i say that i think i'm doing pretty well. things are going a LOT better with min, i'm totally not in love with that other woman, and my longing for AG is fading, or at least it appears to be.
ok back to the past. so i talked with AG quite a bit over the next few months. and by talk i mean innocuous conversation that periodically lapsed into mild flirtation. so by early april i was starting to get hot and bothered. i wanted to push AG for a serious answer - did she want me (rather, to try dating) or not?
this was the first time i had ever seriously considered taking that step with someone i was attracted to (while in a relationship with someone else). i started thinking about all the ways that AG was making me happy -- getting to know someone new; frequent, rapid fire talking +some flirting; and finally, the possibility of sex in my future -- and i came to several realizations:
1. that my relationship with min was lacking in almost all those things
2. even though i didn't think (then) those things could be fixed, i didn't want to leave min because i loved her and was committed to her.
3. that if our relationship was an open one, with rules in place, maybe i could keep min AND me happy at the same time, because
4. i'd get to be with both AG and min.
this sounded logical...in my head. reality is a little different. a fact i learned when, after carefully analyzing and documenting (for myself) the main discussion points for about a week, i finally decided to talk to min two sundays ago. april 8. and it was perfect timing too because - as would happen periodically when i'd go to an event without min - when i returned home, before long i was inevitably asked questions regarding my emotional fidelity.
doesn't this sound like the perfect opening? well, actually i've been meaning to talk to you about something related to that. yeah actually there is no good opening for this kind of conversation. especially when your relationship is already messed up and this is not really the way to fix it. because hey - turns out your partner was right to be suspicious.
anyway i launched into my presentation, and before long, i (understandably) had her crying and saying that she wanted to die. we called her sister lori - yes this is the same one we had the "fabulous" road trip with last summer - and she agreed to come over and spend the night. stay up talking with us, kind of like a mediator. lori actually did a great job. before long, i was saying i wanted to go see a therapist, try to work things out, and was willing to put nonmonogamy on hold until we had given us a fair chance to fix things. min seemed to hear that but also was quite intent on the idea of 'you're just going to have sex with this other woman and then leave me, and what's the point of sticking around for that'.
a very potentially valid point if i do say so. which is why i agreed not to pursue AG until we'd tried to fix us. around 2am we started getting too tired though and went to bed, agreeing to work on this more the next day.
monday morning. min comes in and wakes me up with questions around 7am. why did i stop blogging? was that about her? how did i meet AG? how far had things gone? what was i going to do about her? i answered her questions, tried to go back to sleep, but gave up a few minutes later since my mind was racing. i showered, and as i was getting dressed afterwards min asked if i had the car keys. earlier she'd been looking for the cell phone so i figured she was gonna look in the car for it. so i got her the keys and resumed getting dressed. and a minute or so later, min zoomed off in the car.
and if that isn't a great way to start the day -- and end another post -- i don't know what is. nighty night.
ok back to the past. so i talked with AG quite a bit over the next few months. and by talk i mean innocuous conversation that periodically lapsed into mild flirtation. so by early april i was starting to get hot and bothered. i wanted to push AG for a serious answer - did she want me (rather, to try dating) or not?
this was the first time i had ever seriously considered taking that step with someone i was attracted to (while in a relationship with someone else). i started thinking about all the ways that AG was making me happy -- getting to know someone new; frequent, rapid fire talking +some flirting; and finally, the possibility of sex in my future -- and i came to several realizations:
1. that my relationship with min was lacking in almost all those things
2. even though i didn't think (then) those things could be fixed, i didn't want to leave min because i loved her and was committed to her.
3. that if our relationship was an open one, with rules in place, maybe i could keep min AND me happy at the same time, because
4. i'd get to be with both AG and min.
this sounded logical...in my head. reality is a little different. a fact i learned when, after carefully analyzing and documenting (for myself) the main discussion points for about a week, i finally decided to talk to min two sundays ago. april 8. and it was perfect timing too because - as would happen periodically when i'd go to an event without min - when i returned home, before long i was inevitably asked questions regarding my emotional fidelity.
doesn't this sound like the perfect opening? well, actually i've been meaning to talk to you about something related to that. yeah actually there is no good opening for this kind of conversation. especially when your relationship is already messed up and this is not really the way to fix it. because hey - turns out your partner was right to be suspicious.
anyway i launched into my presentation, and before long, i (understandably) had her crying and saying that she wanted to die. we called her sister lori - yes this is the same one we had the "fabulous" road trip with last summer - and she agreed to come over and spend the night. stay up talking with us, kind of like a mediator. lori actually did a great job. before long, i was saying i wanted to go see a therapist, try to work things out, and was willing to put nonmonogamy on hold until we had given us a fair chance to fix things. min seemed to hear that but also was quite intent on the idea of 'you're just going to have sex with this other woman and then leave me, and what's the point of sticking around for that'.
a very potentially valid point if i do say so. which is why i agreed not to pursue AG until we'd tried to fix us. around 2am we started getting too tired though and went to bed, agreeing to work on this more the next day.
monday morning. min comes in and wakes me up with questions around 7am. why did i stop blogging? was that about her? how did i meet AG? how far had things gone? what was i going to do about her? i answered her questions, tried to go back to sleep, but gave up a few minutes later since my mind was racing. i showered, and as i was getting dressed afterwards min asked if i had the car keys. earlier she'd been looking for the cell phone so i figured she was gonna look in the car for it. so i got her the keys and resumed getting dressed. and a minute or so later, min zoomed off in the car.
and if that isn't a great way to start the day -- and end another post -- i don't know what is. nighty night.
moving towards the truth, part II
ok so when your heroine left off... she was being an idiot for not talking to her gf about how she felt. namely that she still wanted said gf, but also wanted a new girl in addition.
this is where i think i messed up big time. the not talking. min says that if we'd talked then, maybe we wouldn't still be together. that maybe because we have the 9.893 years of togetherness, it gives us the strength, foundation to make it through this. that at 6 months or so, we might've just broken up for good. an interesting point but naturally a hard one to call.
but i didn't say anything, and so i've spent those 9.893 years struggling with these feelings to varying degrees. sometimes i'd go months, maybe even a year or so without too much trouble, and it was relatively easy to keep those feelings locked away.
however the last 3-4 years or so have been an exception. min and i almost broke up a few years back, i can't believe i can't remember why right now. but i do know we were fighting a lot, feeling like it was pointless to talk about difficult things because we felt we knew how the other person would react, so what was the point? well we tried to make agreements that we wouldn't assume we knew how the other person would react, to hear them out and to talk even if we were sure the other person wouldn't take it well.
that went...okay. it got a little better but didn't take long before it was back to usual, for the most part. i can't speak for min of course, but i can certainly attest to the fact that i was a big time offender in this department. it felt like both of us kind of pulled back a bit around then.
then a little over 2 years ago min started getting very ill. i have chronicled much of that in previous entries here. what i did NOT chronicle was the deterioration in our own relationship. like all slips toward damnation, it happened one day at a time. because of the extreme physical hardship min was under, she started retreating into herself, pulling away from work (and eventually left) and into a world focussed on her condition, going to see doctors about her condition, and the puppy. oh and me, although i only got to experience that for the brief time she was awake when i'd get home from work, or longer on the weekends. but still there was a lot of sleeping, not talking more than a few minutes at a time, and certainly almost nothing in the way of intimacy.
this is my POV naturally. at least to some degree, i believe this is how min sees it as well. but, because of all this, i suppose it was natural i'd end up enamored with someone new. i mean even if i didn't already have this tendency to get attracted to other people, this slow, quiet suffocating of our relationship probably would've led me down that path anyway. and so it was that i actually fell in love with another woman.
note that i did not say i was just attracted to her. i was full on in love. and note, i say WAS. i am not in love with her now, although i do love her as a friend. several times over the last year and a half i tried to force myself out of love with her. pull myself away, try to interact more with min, all those things i said before. in february of this year, i realized that i was going to have to take drastic steps about this if i wanted to keep my relative sanity. so i yanked back in the extreme. it took several weeks, and lots of little STFU-type reminders to keep me from ruining myself. i could feel her pulling away, and it killed me, but it worked - she drive me crazy no more.
and in the meantime, i'd like to say that in about january, i realized i was also getting attracted to another girl, we'll call her AG (anonymous girl). so for a while, i wanted min (well, to work things out), the woman in the previous paragraph, and AG. three at a time was new for me, but there you go.
and that's it for today because a) this is long enough and b) clearwaste has finished updating my view. tune in next time for another exciting installment of Heather's Wide World of Insanity!
this is where i think i messed up big time. the not talking. min says that if we'd talked then, maybe we wouldn't still be together. that maybe because we have the 9.893 years of togetherness, it gives us the strength, foundation to make it through this. that at 6 months or so, we might've just broken up for good. an interesting point but naturally a hard one to call.
but i didn't say anything, and so i've spent those 9.893 years struggling with these feelings to varying degrees. sometimes i'd go months, maybe even a year or so without too much trouble, and it was relatively easy to keep those feelings locked away.
however the last 3-4 years or so have been an exception. min and i almost broke up a few years back, i can't believe i can't remember why right now. but i do know we were fighting a lot, feeling like it was pointless to talk about difficult things because we felt we knew how the other person would react, so what was the point? well we tried to make agreements that we wouldn't assume we knew how the other person would react, to hear them out and to talk even if we were sure the other person wouldn't take it well.
that went...okay. it got a little better but didn't take long before it was back to usual, for the most part. i can't speak for min of course, but i can certainly attest to the fact that i was a big time offender in this department. it felt like both of us kind of pulled back a bit around then.
then a little over 2 years ago min started getting very ill. i have chronicled much of that in previous entries here. what i did NOT chronicle was the deterioration in our own relationship. like all slips toward damnation, it happened one day at a time. because of the extreme physical hardship min was under, she started retreating into herself, pulling away from work (and eventually left) and into a world focussed on her condition, going to see doctors about her condition, and the puppy. oh and me, although i only got to experience that for the brief time she was awake when i'd get home from work, or longer on the weekends. but still there was a lot of sleeping, not talking more than a few minutes at a time, and certainly almost nothing in the way of intimacy.
this is my POV naturally. at least to some degree, i believe this is how min sees it as well. but, because of all this, i suppose it was natural i'd end up enamored with someone new. i mean even if i didn't already have this tendency to get attracted to other people, this slow, quiet suffocating of our relationship probably would've led me down that path anyway. and so it was that i actually fell in love with another woman.
note that i did not say i was just attracted to her. i was full on in love. and note, i say WAS. i am not in love with her now, although i do love her as a friend. several times over the last year and a half i tried to force myself out of love with her. pull myself away, try to interact more with min, all those things i said before. in february of this year, i realized that i was going to have to take drastic steps about this if i wanted to keep my relative sanity. so i yanked back in the extreme. it took several weeks, and lots of little STFU-type reminders to keep me from ruining myself. i could feel her pulling away, and it killed me, but it worked - she drive me crazy no more.
and in the meantime, i'd like to say that in about january, i realized i was also getting attracted to another girl, we'll call her AG (anonymous girl). so for a while, i wanted min (well, to work things out), the woman in the previous paragraph, and AG. three at a time was new for me, but there you go.
and that's it for today because a) this is long enough and b) clearwaste has finished updating my view. tune in next time for another exciting installment of Heather's Wide World of Insanity!
Friday, April 14, 2006
by the way
anyone listening out there, if you're entertaining judgmental thoughts, things that you think might border on assvice...bring it. i'm not afraid of debate, and i certainly consider myself a work in progress.
and to those of you who've already shared such thoughts privately, thank you. maybe i didn't agree with you, maybe i did. either way i'm happy to have friends who care enough to be honest with me. :-)
and to those of you who've already shared such thoughts privately, thank you. maybe i didn't agree with you, maybe i did. either way i'm happy to have friends who care enough to be honest with me. :-)
moving towards the truth, part I
it's taken me a long time to admit this publicly, but after years of struggling with a very annoying internal dialogue surrounding this topic, i'm pretty sure that i am a polyamorous person. and by that i mean:
for most of my adult life, whenever i have been involved with person A, at the same time - or soon thereafter - i am usually interested in a person B or C as well. it has nothing to do with person A, although i can see the 'that person just wasn't right for you' argument. no, at each time when i was with person A, i've been minding my own business, feeling like everything's just peachy, and then BAM. person B or C knock me upside the head with their absolute charmingness. maybe they're just funny, maybe they're smart, maybe they're just hot, who knows. but whatever - i want them. AND i want person A, have no interest in letting them go either. i want both of them, separately.
so what do you do with that? well, when you're monogamous, you fight with yourself about it. you start doing your best to avoid person B. surround yourself with person A. suddenly find yourself daydreaming about person B. beat yourself up about it and start the whole cycle over again. with discipline, time and some luck, eventually the craving for person B goes away enough that you can actually feel ok around them without wanting to kill yourself.
when i first met min in our little lesbian feminist poetry usenet group (i love the internet) back in 1995, one of the things we ended up talking about was polyamory. at first, we were both involved with other people, so we just chatted as friends, but min had been in poly relationships before. as time went by and i grew more attracted to min, i became very interested in this poly concept. because even though things weren't perfect, i didn't want to leave laura (at the time, but she's now my ex, of course), and i wanted min as well.
the way i remember, min was ok with this. so i had the bright idea to talk to laura about being nonmonogamous. yeah that shit didn't fly so well. we went back and forth on the phone/email about it, and i even went to maryland (i was in tennessee) to visit once so we could spend some time talking about it and me reassuring her. instead we fought a bunch, had some awesome breakup sex, and decided the relationship was probably over. after i got home we talked more, but it really did end a few weeks later.
i wasn't really that happy about losing laura, but i understood where she was coming from. this whole concept was rather new to me as well. but my eyes were open to this new way of being, of harmoniously integrating this tendency to love more than one person at a time, and i didn't want to let it go. so when i trekked out to montana to visit min for the first time, the plan still was to be poly.
what happened instead was i fell harder and faster for min than i ever anticipated. and so did she, for me. and because of that, we decided to be monogamous. i mean hey, i proposed to her on the 3rd day! i know us dykes like to move fast, but that was fast even for me. anyway, i was so incredibly in love with her, that even though i had been VERY into the idea of nonmonogamy, i thought, well, i love her SO MUCH, maybe this time it will really work. maybe all those other times i just wasn't with a person that could fulfill me enough. yeah, it's not me, it's them!
and yet, about 6 months later, i was right back in the same boat as always. person B driving me batshit with desire. and person A (min) was still setting my mind, body and soul on fire in all the right ways.
…and that's where i'll stop for today, because this post is long enough. :-)
for most of my adult life, whenever i have been involved with person A, at the same time - or soon thereafter - i am usually interested in a person B or C as well. it has nothing to do with person A, although i can see the 'that person just wasn't right for you' argument. no, at each time when i was with person A, i've been minding my own business, feeling like everything's just peachy, and then BAM. person B or C knock me upside the head with their absolute charmingness. maybe they're just funny, maybe they're smart, maybe they're just hot, who knows. but whatever - i want them. AND i want person A, have no interest in letting them go either. i want both of them, separately.
so what do you do with that? well, when you're monogamous, you fight with yourself about it. you start doing your best to avoid person B. surround yourself with person A. suddenly find yourself daydreaming about person B. beat yourself up about it and start the whole cycle over again. with discipline, time and some luck, eventually the craving for person B goes away enough that you can actually feel ok around them without wanting to kill yourself.
when i first met min in our little lesbian feminist poetry usenet group (i love the internet) back in 1995, one of the things we ended up talking about was polyamory. at first, we were both involved with other people, so we just chatted as friends, but min had been in poly relationships before. as time went by and i grew more attracted to min, i became very interested in this poly concept. because even though things weren't perfect, i didn't want to leave laura (at the time, but she's now my ex, of course), and i wanted min as well.
the way i remember, min was ok with this. so i had the bright idea to talk to laura about being nonmonogamous. yeah that shit didn't fly so well. we went back and forth on the phone/email about it, and i even went to maryland (i was in tennessee) to visit once so we could spend some time talking about it and me reassuring her. instead we fought a bunch, had some awesome breakup sex, and decided the relationship was probably over. after i got home we talked more, but it really did end a few weeks later.
i wasn't really that happy about losing laura, but i understood where she was coming from. this whole concept was rather new to me as well. but my eyes were open to this new way of being, of harmoniously integrating this tendency to love more than one person at a time, and i didn't want to let it go. so when i trekked out to montana to visit min for the first time, the plan still was to be poly.
what happened instead was i fell harder and faster for min than i ever anticipated. and so did she, for me. and because of that, we decided to be monogamous. i mean hey, i proposed to her on the 3rd day! i know us dykes like to move fast, but that was fast even for me. anyway, i was so incredibly in love with her, that even though i had been VERY into the idea of nonmonogamy, i thought, well, i love her SO MUCH, maybe this time it will really work. maybe all those other times i just wasn't with a person that could fulfill me enough. yeah, it's not me, it's them!
and yet, about 6 months later, i was right back in the same boat as always. person B driving me batshit with desire. and person A (min) was still setting my mind, body and soul on fire in all the right ways.
…and that's where i'll stop for today, because this post is long enough. :-)
Thursday, April 13, 2006
for the love of mammon
it's tempting to start my recapping with the most recent future since it's fresh (like me), but i want to back up a bit and bitch about $ and permanent disability, which min is applying for.
the process for permanent disability sucks. a LOT. mostly because you can't be earning any money while you're waiting for approval, and approval generally runs from 6 months (best case scenario) to over 2 years. that's right, YEARS.
so, when we found out that min's short term disability was ending rather abruptly (bout 3 weeks ago now), we went into a bit of a panic. because min made almost as much on disability as she did when she got paid. which naturally had us assuming that with that much money going away indefinitely, we were probably going to have to move to a cheaper place, cut back on all extraneous spending, and even then, still *hope* that we were going to have enough money.
well, that's where panic gets you. rational planning and analysis brings great things like peace of mind and the realization that you actually *do* have money for fun! granted, a LOT less than you did before, but that plus not having to move or get a roommate…well, that's just heavenly.
what's funny is that around this time, my parents - who had been at my uncle's place in oregon for about a week - were having major drama with my uncle and seriously considering leaving. but since they have even less fundus than we do, they weren't really sure what was next. then this disability crisis for us and we thought, wow, we could get my parents to move in and pay rent. that would help them AND us at the same time!
now i'm sure you're thinking, are you loco?? and i have to admit, some part of me thought i was too. but at the time (pre-rational analysis) i was desperate. so i called my mom. or tried, but she wouldn't pick up. fine, voicemail. she didn't call the next day. so i tried again - voicemail. another two days go by. now i'm starting to get worried. i try my sister - disconnected. brother in law - disconnected. some other numbers i forget - disconnected. i tried my mom again - finally i got her! made my offer, and wouldn't you know it but things were going a lot better up there in orygone. so she had to think about it.
a couple days later she called and declined. thankfully i'd done my rational analysis inbetween and figured out that we didn't really need a roommate anymore. THANK GOD. i have no desire to go back to those days at all, least of all with my parents who i'd just spent 3 months trying to get rid of. oh, we would've set down rules, expectations, etc, like for a regular roommate…but i know my parents. and me. it would've been tough to stick to them.
the week min's disability ended we'd been scheduled to go see a therapist to work on our communication problems (almost 10 years in the making!). when that happened, we talked about it but realized we needed to postpone til we had more mammon from on high. now that we're ok in the fundal department, i'm happy to report that we have a new date and i really hope that goes well. because the issues, we have them aplenty to process and discuss.
and the issues (at least the ones leading to the fiesta earlier this week), well i'll leave that for next time, maybe the few next times, because i think my ClearCaseWaste delivery's almost done and i need to get out of here. meantime i'm just….
bubbles, enjoying the old tyme religion theme
the process for permanent disability sucks. a LOT. mostly because you can't be earning any money while you're waiting for approval, and approval generally runs from 6 months (best case scenario) to over 2 years. that's right, YEARS.
so, when we found out that min's short term disability was ending rather abruptly (bout 3 weeks ago now), we went into a bit of a panic. because min made almost as much on disability as she did when she got paid. which naturally had us assuming that with that much money going away indefinitely, we were probably going to have to move to a cheaper place, cut back on all extraneous spending, and even then, still *hope* that we were going to have enough money.
well, that's where panic gets you. rational planning and analysis brings great things like peace of mind and the realization that you actually *do* have money for fun! granted, a LOT less than you did before, but that plus not having to move or get a roommate…well, that's just heavenly.
what's funny is that around this time, my parents - who had been at my uncle's place in oregon for about a week - were having major drama with my uncle and seriously considering leaving. but since they have even less fundus than we do, they weren't really sure what was next. then this disability crisis for us and we thought, wow, we could get my parents to move in and pay rent. that would help them AND us at the same time!
now i'm sure you're thinking, are you loco?? and i have to admit, some part of me thought i was too. but at the time (pre-rational analysis) i was desperate. so i called my mom. or tried, but she wouldn't pick up. fine, voicemail. she didn't call the next day. so i tried again - voicemail. another two days go by. now i'm starting to get worried. i try my sister - disconnected. brother in law - disconnected. some other numbers i forget - disconnected. i tried my mom again - finally i got her! made my offer, and wouldn't you know it but things were going a lot better up there in orygone. so she had to think about it.
a couple days later she called and declined. thankfully i'd done my rational analysis inbetween and figured out that we didn't really need a roommate anymore. THANK GOD. i have no desire to go back to those days at all, least of all with my parents who i'd just spent 3 months trying to get rid of. oh, we would've set down rules, expectations, etc, like for a regular roommate…but i know my parents. and me. it would've been tough to stick to them.
the week min's disability ended we'd been scheduled to go see a therapist to work on our communication problems (almost 10 years in the making!). when that happened, we talked about it but realized we needed to postpone til we had more mammon from on high. now that we're ok in the fundal department, i'm happy to report that we have a new date and i really hope that goes well. because the issues, we have them aplenty to process and discuss.
and the issues (at least the ones leading to the fiesta earlier this week), well i'll leave that for next time, maybe the few next times, because i think my Clear
bubbles, enjoying the old tyme religion theme
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
the un/godly truth
yes it's me! i know i said i wasn't resurrectable, that i wouldn't blog anymore, and you couldn't convince me otherwise. however just a few things have happened in the last month and a half, especially in the last few days, and after talking with min about it (her encouraging me to blog), i think i'm going to go ahead.
in case you couldn't guess from my last post, she was the Thing I Couldn't Talk About. she was convinced i was saying bad things about her, and it didn't really matter what i said to deny that (and it was NOT true), she just wanted me to clam up. or, get approval ahead of time and i don't work that way. thus, silence.
but a couple days ago she realized that i had killed this blog. and by extension, that action was primarily about her. and because of the other things going on with us, she really wanted me (both of us) to blog again because she's convinced it will be healthy for us to get everything out there, good and bad. i'm not 100% on that for myself, but i DO know that i love having my states documented, because i *love* to forget.
she created a new blog (actually her old one died). i don't really need another one, i like this one. and i'm sure you'll all love hearing this but during my absence i did in fact have a secret blog, one i'll probably keep just to have a dumping ground for unvarnished truth. here, i want to use at least a bit of varnish, or at least clarity.
there is no doubt that a lot of the...more colorful...things that run rampant through my mind have remained hidden during the history of this blog. but over the last few weeks, as we prepared to see a therapist, i realized that i could not hold these things inside any longer.
so, since easter is around the corner, consider this little corner of the web resurrected.
and now, some tidbits to titillate you until i have the energy to post more:
because believe me, there will be stories. and they will be the truth, ungodly or otherwise.
in case you couldn't guess from my last post, she was the Thing I Couldn't Talk About. she was convinced i was saying bad things about her, and it didn't really matter what i said to deny that (and it was NOT true), she just wanted me to clam up. or, get approval ahead of time and i don't work that way. thus, silence.
but a couple days ago she realized that i had killed this blog. and by extension, that action was primarily about her. and because of the other things going on with us, she really wanted me (both of us) to blog again because she's convinced it will be healthy for us to get everything out there, good and bad. i'm not 100% on that for myself, but i DO know that i love having my states documented, because i *love* to forget.
she created a new blog (actually her old one died). i don't really need another one, i like this one. and i'm sure you'll all love hearing this but during my absence i did in fact have a secret blog, one i'll probably keep just to have a dumping ground for unvarnished truth. here, i want to use at least a bit of varnish, or at least clarity.
there is no doubt that a lot of the...more colorful...things that run rampant through my mind have remained hidden during the history of this blog. but over the last few weeks, as we prepared to see a therapist, i realized that i could not hold these things inside any longer.
so, since easter is around the corner, consider this little corner of the web resurrected.
and now, some tidbits to titillate you until i have the energy to post more:
- my parents are finally out of my house.
- we did not see the therapist as intended, because:
- min's disability $ ended a few weeks ago.
- i finally admitted to myself that i've been unhappy with parts of my life for a long time. which on sunday led to:
- telling min i wanted to have an open relationship (incidentally, with a woman who'll remain publicly nameless as long as i can help it, and who has since told me, wait, she's not actually *that* interested -- so lovely), which means:
- the last several days have been some of the most exhausting in my entire life. that doesn't even count cleaning up broken glass.
because believe me, there will be stories. and they will be the truth, ungodly or otherwise.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
i am not jesus
recently i was asked to refrain from discussing a particular topic (in general, not here) without getting preapproval for Acceptable Topic Disclosures. and as a sign of respect, i agreed to honor that request to the best of my ability.
a few days later it occurred to me that a) i have blogged about this topic a LOT and b) i'm not cool with seeking preapproval for blog posts so c) by default i had just killed (at least) half my blog.
then i remembered that d) just last week i had reconsidered killing this blog. i point to the lack of posts and increasingly blase content as proof of my disinterest.
that's on my part. i know that once, you faithful few convinced me to resurrect this blog on the 3rd, or rather 11th day, and so i arose from the dead and shone the Murky Light of Bubbles upon thee.
well i'm sorry, but i'm here to tell you that there will be no second coming. resurrecting is so 1st century AD. and the fact is, i think this blog has always been rather lame. even without this new restriction, there's so much that i haven't been able to talk about. rather than whine about it, or try to invent new topics, i'll call my own bluff and can this.
so anyway - in the future, if you want to know what's going on with me, drop me a note! everyone here should know how to reach me one way or another. best to all of you, and thanks for playing.
a few days later it occurred to me that a) i have blogged about this topic a LOT and b) i'm not cool with seeking preapproval for blog posts so c) by default i had just killed (at least) half my blog.
then i remembered that d) just last week i had reconsidered killing this blog. i point to the lack of posts and increasingly blase content as proof of my disinterest.
that's on my part. i know that once, you faithful few convinced me to resurrect this blog on the 3rd, or rather 11th day, and so i arose from the dead and shone the Murky Light of Bubbles upon thee.
well i'm sorry, but i'm here to tell you that there will be no second coming. resurrecting is so 1st century AD. and the fact is, i think this blog has always been rather lame. even without this new restriction, there's so much that i haven't been able to talk about. rather than whine about it, or try to invent new topics, i'll call my own bluff and can this.
so anyway - in the future, if you want to know what's going on with me, drop me a note! everyone here should know how to reach me one way or another. best to all of you, and thanks for playing.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
confessions from the not-asleep bubbles
ok these are not going to be juicy confessions, so don't get your hopes up. but they are bubblicious:
#1 - i have been searching, sometimes fervently, sometimes half-heartedly, for a new provider for launcharoo over the last month. i really like being a reseller -- it's relatively easy to manage, gives me more chances to geek out, help people, and gets me a little money for not much effort.
however, as a result of my adventures, i am now painfully aware of the difference between 99.8% availability and 99.9%. and 99.8%, my friends, is not shabby in the hosting world. i just want perfection. but turns out finding a replacement is VERY difficult because - surprise! - i really did do a good job picking this provider, as they are definitely still a leader in their class. can i be happy with 100% most months and 99.8% on occasion? dunno.
also i have to say, i had no idea how worked up people are getting over SSH access. wow.
#2 - i really do have mixed feelings about my parents still being here. yes they are still here. let's just say:
- my dad spent most of yesterday with a vomit bowl, but does not appear to have actually had a stroke
- mom's health is a bit iffy as well, but she has been up for helping out around the house with chores. of course this comes with occasional passive-aggressive looks and lack-of-responsiveness. we love you, too, mom.
i hear they will leave by this weekend, depending on the weather. this assumes my dad is well enough to travel of course. and we all know where that kind of logic has gotten me: it's gotten me a 2 month visit from them. and as enlightening as their visit has been, i think i am versed enough in the foibles of my parents.
and what a great job it's done reminding me of my own, too! bonus.
#3 - i seem unable to remember that Staying Up Late At The Computer Will Not Put Me To Sleep. i might get some work done, but in fact it just means i stay awake longer, and the next day i will be a zombie.
but who doesn't want that? i can have zombie pride. rrrraaagggggrrff!
#1 - i have been searching, sometimes fervently, sometimes half-heartedly, for a new provider for launcharoo over the last month. i really like being a reseller -- it's relatively easy to manage, gives me more chances to geek out, help people, and gets me a little money for not much effort.
however, as a result of my adventures, i am now painfully aware of the difference between 99.8% availability and 99.9%. and 99.8%, my friends, is not shabby in the hosting world. i just want perfection. but turns out finding a replacement is VERY difficult because - surprise! - i really did do a good job picking this provider, as they are definitely still a leader in their class. can i be happy with 100% most months and 99.8% on occasion? dunno.
also i have to say, i had no idea how worked up people are getting over SSH access. wow.
#2 - i really do have mixed feelings about my parents still being here. yes they are still here. let's just say:
- my dad spent most of yesterday with a vomit bowl, but does not appear to have actually had a stroke
- mom's health is a bit iffy as well, but she has been up for helping out around the house with chores. of course this comes with occasional passive-aggressive looks and lack-of-responsiveness. we love you, too, mom.
i hear they will leave by this weekend, depending on the weather. this assumes my dad is well enough to travel of course. and we all know where that kind of logic has gotten me: it's gotten me a 2 month visit from them. and as enlightening as their visit has been, i think i am versed enough in the foibles of my parents.
and what a great job it's done reminding me of my own, too! bonus.
#3 - i seem unable to remember that Staying Up Late At The Computer Will Not Put Me To Sleep. i might get some work done, but in fact it just means i stay awake longer, and the next day i will be a zombie.
but who doesn't want that? i can have zombie pride. rrrraaagggggrrff!
Thursday, February 16, 2006
the hits keep on comin'
as predicted, my parents did not leave today. if only i could make money as a parental prognosticator.
my mom came out before i left this morning and said that my dad had a really bad headache. so what? well, headaches can = pending stroke is what. and apparently they also really fuck with his vertigo if he has to drive w/headache, and lead to chuck upping. so...no thanks. and due to the weather i'm sure that means my parents will be here another few days at least.
the good part is that i know min is really loving their company, and will be sad when they go. and i'm glad they're here too, altho i only see them for an hour or so each night when i get home. but the bad part is i just want a break. on tuesday they'll have been here for 2 months. two! i love them but i'm ready for them to leave.
but, only when they really are physically able to go. i just hope that day comes of course. it's just taking many more days than any of us ever expected.
my mom came out before i left this morning and said that my dad had a really bad headache. so what? well, headaches can = pending stroke is what. and apparently they also really fuck with his vertigo if he has to drive w/headache, and lead to chuck upping. so...no thanks. and due to the weather i'm sure that means my parents will be here another few days at least.
the good part is that i know min is really loving their company, and will be sad when they go. and i'm glad they're here too, altho i only see them for an hour or so each night when i get home. but the bad part is i just want a break. on tuesday they'll have been here for 2 months. two! i love them but i'm ready for them to leave.
but, only when they really are physically able to go. i just hope that day comes of course. it's just taking many more days than any of us ever expected.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
uh, yeah nevermind
the parents of bubbles (nice, susan!) are NOT leaving this morning. my dad just stumbled out here and told me they're both feeling absolutely miserable. i didn't ask him to clarify since he was also still extremely sleepy. he says they'll take today to finish packing up the car and rest, and leave tomorrow.
the day after tomorrow there's supposed to be a several-day storm coming in. rain here and up along i-5, until you get towards oregon when it turns into snow. and my parents have been carefully avoiding having to drive over the pass because of their car's condition and lack of snow tires or chains.
i put tomorrow's chance of departure at 15%. we shall see.
the day after tomorrow there's supposed to be a several-day storm coming in. rain here and up along i-5, until you get towards oregon when it turns into snow. and my parents have been carefully avoiding having to drive over the pass because of their car's condition and lack of snow tires or chains.
i put tomorrow's chance of departure at 15%. we shall see.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
theoretically
my parents are leaving for oregon tomorrow morning. i just found that out tonight. so, given the late notice, they may actually be going.
wow.
wow.
my nice-to-have
i could hypnotize you with details from the last week or so, but since today is v-day, i bring you only sweetness from this morning:
i woke up - again too early - with a incredibly sore back. it's been bugging me more lately, not sure why. anyway. surprise - min was up already! had been for a few hours, she's got some kind of flu it seems. i kissed her - and pearl - good morning and was going to start getting ready for work, when i remembered i had a valentines card for her. so i gave it to her, along with more kisses - for her and for pearl (everpresent for any opportunity for attention).
so this is all nice and good. but the best part was after all that, i told min about my back bothering me, and so she gave me an absolutely wonderful backrub this morning. such a little sweetie she is, even tho she felt miserable. didn't take all my pain away, but it all made for a much better way to start the day!
just taking a moment to document The Good Stuff. :-)
i woke up - again too early - with a incredibly sore back. it's been bugging me more lately, not sure why. anyway. surprise - min was up already! had been for a few hours, she's got some kind of flu it seems. i kissed her - and pearl - good morning and was going to start getting ready for work, when i remembered i had a valentines card for her. so i gave it to her, along with more kisses - for her and for pearl (everpresent for any opportunity for attention).
so this is all nice and good. but the best part was after all that, i told min about my back bothering me, and so she gave me an absolutely wonderful backrub this morning. such a little sweetie she is, even tho she felt miserable. didn't take all my pain away, but it all made for a much better way to start the day!
just taking a moment to document The Good Stuff. :-)
Monday, February 06, 2006
just the facts ma'am
in lieu of the fantastic fireworks inside my head, i share with you the following factoids:
- my parents are still here. please try to contain your surprise. everyone in the household is fighting off a new throat bug that my mom seems to have somehow brought into the house. which is amazing considering she hardly goes anywhere besides her bed or a living room chair. nevertheless, she got sick first, and we are insisting on making this a family experience. the family that horks together stays together!
thus, i have no idea when they are really planning to leave now. presuming my parents feel better in a few days, maybe by this weekend, assuming the weather holds. apparently i-5 has been shut down periodically (north of redding) because of snow and ice, even to vehicles with chains. not that my parents have those, of course! silly. - min had an extremely bad attack (pain/cramping/nausea) around 2am last night. we nearly went to the hospital several times, but i kept plying her with different medicines and after a few hours things calmed down, and we both got back to sleep. things have been more rough the last few weeks, so not sure if we're gearing up for something worse or what. at any rate, appreciate you all keeping her health in your thoughts.
and in case you wondered and i hadn't mentioned it before, there is no miracle cure for min. all that can be done is to manage, and try to keep things livable. hopefully someday, workable (that she can go back to working) but the jury's still out on that one. - ok that's the news that's fit to print. hasta la de da!
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Four by Four
started this at work a few days ago after wen tagged me. but since i can't sleep...this seemed like the perfect time to start over and actually finish it. :-p
Four jobs I've had:
Cashier at Christmas Enchantments (a christmas store, oddly enough)
ASSistant Manager at Papa Johns Pizza
Lead Interface Producer (and no, that's not pretentious)
Product Content Developer (that isn't either)
Four Movies I can watch over and over:
All of Me
Galaxy Quest
High Anxiety
Mary Poppins
and i could go on, because i do love my movies.
Four Places I've lived:
El Paso, Texas
Coquille, Oregon
Nashville, Tennessee
Ben Lomond, Californiyay
Four TV shows I love:
i actually don't have any shows that i *love* right now. but some that i like:
NCIS
CSI (original)
24
and a show that i wish was good enough to like: the l word.
Four places I've vacationed:
British Columbia/Alberta
Maryland
Oregon Coast (just about anywhere)
Disneyland
Four of my favorite dishes:
Beef Stroganoff
Papa Johns Pizza
Min's Lasagna
German Chocolate Cake
Four sites I visit daily:
Webmail for myriad email accounts
Bloglines
Random entry from my Bloglines feed
Wamu
Four places I would rather be right now:
Asleep in my bed, with Dolce sleeping on me (as usual - altho she is sitting next to me and purring)
Asleep in a bed, inside a villa overlooking the mediterranean sea
Asleep in a bed, inside a castle overlooking the irish coastline
Asleep in a bed, inside a cabin overlooking tons of snow-capped mountains
ok i don't think it's going to work, but i'm going to try to make #1 in that last list come true now. cya =)
Four jobs I've had:
Cashier at Christmas Enchantments (a christmas store, oddly enough)
ASSistant Manager at Papa Johns Pizza
Lead Interface Producer (and no, that's not pretentious)
Product Content Developer (that isn't either)
Four Movies I can watch over and over:
All of Me
Galaxy Quest
High Anxiety
Mary Poppins
and i could go on, because i do love my movies.
Four Places I've lived:
El Paso, Texas
Coquille, Oregon
Nashville, Tennessee
Ben Lomond, Californiyay
Four TV shows I love:
i actually don't have any shows that i *love* right now. but some that i like:
NCIS
CSI (original)
24
and a show that i wish was good enough to like: the l word.
Four places I've vacationed:
British Columbia/Alberta
Maryland
Oregon Coast (just about anywhere)
Disneyland
Four of my favorite dishes:
Beef Stroganoff
Papa Johns Pizza
Min's Lasagna
German Chocolate Cake
Four sites I visit daily:
Webmail for myriad email accounts
Bloglines
Random entry from my Bloglines feed
Wamu
Four places I would rather be right now:
Asleep in my bed, with Dolce sleeping on me (as usual - altho she is sitting next to me and purring)
Asleep in a bed, inside a villa overlooking the mediterranean sea
Asleep in a bed, inside a castle overlooking the irish coastline
Asleep in a bed, inside a cabin overlooking tons of snow-capped mountains
ok i don't think it's going to work, but i'm going to try to make #1 in that last list come true now. cya =)
i'm so glad
that on a day where i:
- went to bed 3 hours ago
- actually fell asleep 2 hours ago
- woke up 45 minutes ago
- have to be up for the day, 3 hours from now
that my brain would NOT. SHUT. UP.
if i ever win the lottery, i'm paying a mad scientist to build an off switch for my noggin. i swear.
- went to bed 3 hours ago
- actually fell asleep 2 hours ago
- woke up 45 minutes ago
- have to be up for the day, 3 hours from now
that my brain would NOT. SHUT. UP.
if i ever win the lottery, i'm paying a mad scientist to build an off switch for my noggin. i swear.
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