a tale told by an idiot

i know i like everyone to think otherwise, but i am an idiot. do not be fooled by my witty dialogue. do not be fooled by my diverse educational background or my beautiful bug fu awards.

because when it comes to what's important in life, i am an idiot. i don't know what i'm doing and should not be trusted with the emotional well being of others, to say nothing of my own. sure, at one point i thought perhaps i knew what i was doing. but i was very, very wrong.

in other words, things are not that great right now. there has been no new drama per se, just conversations crystallizing this fact for me. i hope that someday things will be better, but given my supreme ability to fuck things up, i doubt it. i don't trust myself to make a sound decision, want the right things, or keep my mouth shut about it if i don't want the right things.

i have to leave work early today because it's my last day in this half-assed cube. i'm going to miss this little half-assed cube if for no other reason than it's Not Across From My Boss. and - issues with my current boss aside - it's never low pressure sitting across from your boss. i guess, unless you're sleeping with your boss. or if you're your own boss. but neither of these things are the case today. anyway, i'm hoping that going home, not thinking about work for a while, maybe walking the dog or something, will help me clear my head.

then again all those things are just another venue for my idiocy.

thank you, ClearWaste

for yet another morning where i have to wait to work because of you.

last week was hectic at work, and this week looks to be the same. so it was nice to have a quiet weekend. i had the bright idea to try to get a last-minute hotel room down near monterey, but fate was not on our side. or at least not in our checkbook - despite a couple hours of scouring the internet, i couldn't find a cheap but nice room.

so midday saturday we decided instead to go bowling and have dinner using coupons from the entertainment book. why not try someplace new and save money? but on the way up, min started to get very ill so we had to turn around. at home we cuddled on the couch a bit i think. i definitely remember watching my date with drew which was a LOT funnier than i expected. if you like reality tv/documentaries and watching a dork go for a dream, check it out.

sunday we tried again for bowling. min started to get sick again but forged ahead and felt better a little later. we figured out there was something in the air (we went near a construction site) that was affecting her breathing. very odd! so we went a different way home later. anyway, we finally made it to our coupon-friendly bowling center, which was bigger than i expected. i think it had 60 lanes. we got there around 1pm so it wasn't very busy which was nice.

it had been 10+ years since min or i bowled so our games were pretty uneven. but we didn't care, we had a blast! there were some technical difficulties with the lane and we got comped an extra half hour. everyone there was pretty nice and the food at the little cafe was pretty good! both agreed we want to do that again soon, but probably somewhere closer to home. altho we'll probably go up there again too because hah, we didn't even use the coupon. they had a special on early sundays that beat our coupon price.

anyway afterwards min was hungry and we started looking for somewhere to get her a bite. i don't think we ever got her an actual snack but we did end up shopping at a little asian market and got many noodles, sauces, and fresh veggies for later consumption. we came home, perched with pearl on the couch and watched the rest of bloodwork, which we'd rented on netflix. and yeah, if you haven't seen that, don't bother.

ok clearwaste is done wasting my time for the moment. hope those of you still listening had a good weekend as well. :-)

mmm...beaver!

mmm...beaver!
Originally uploaded by heatherama.

here's the yummy cup i mentioned the other day. posted a few other pics too, mostly of pearl, naturally.

but man i love this cup. as soon as i saw it, i knew it had to be mine.

it is really really nice

to wake up to $ from your little side business in your inbox.

yes it is.

the truth is out there

apparently it's out there, because min and i have been going out a lot the last week or so. and the truth is that i am a lot happier. i think min is too, at least in some ways. in other ways i know she is sadder. i'm sorry that that's the case, but i'm hoping that's just short term as we're making things better.

so, since last monday: we've gone to bingo twice - and i won once! good cheap fun. last night was an anniversary of something so there was free cake. and OMG click on that bingo link and check out the shot of people playing. last night i sat next to the dyke with blonde hair, and the guy next to her in the polo shirt, he was across from me! wow. i mean, the woman looked like a veteran what with her 10 bazillion daubers. the amount in the pic - that has to be half of what she has now.

ok also this last weeked was a blast. saturday we went to el pollo loco for lunch, which i haven't been to in years. pretty good! and then we went to nickel city and won ourselves some candy, erasers, and a cute little clock for only $10 in tickets. also min got a cool tshirt and me two awesome glasses (one is about great tasting beaver, i will have to get a pic soon) at a head shop.

sunday…oh we went to mimi's café for a very late lunch then saw inside man, which was interesting but not stellar. did have the very sleek looking jodie foster in it though, and other good actors as well.

and in between and around all of this there has been an amazing amount of closeness. sure, there's been more processing and crying too. that's natural as we're trying to sort out where we are and where we're going (but also waiting for some things til we get to the therapist in a couple weeks). but meantime….man. let's just say that i have had several very excellent mornings in a row, including today. making me not even care that i'm having to wait on clearwaste (again) before i can do my work. FlagBouncingBubblesEnabled.

moving towards the truth, part IV

this is the last and most lengthy installment in terms of recapping my madcap adventures over the last week. and i would like to thank all those little technical difficulties at work for allowing me to finish this during the day.

monday morning. min was last seen exiting stage left. i finish in the bathroom and go out to find a note from min - addressed to lori - saying that she couldn't stay (they were going to go to santa cruz) and hoped lori understood. well that could mean anything so i woke lori up. she wasn't really sure either so i tried calling their sister wilma. turns out min had called, and had been asked to call our VM and leave current phone numbers, so that min could call her back. we took this as a good sign that she would be returning to the house (no remote retrieval). i decided to work from home that day so i could be there when she got back - and sure enough she did, around 1130.

thus begins the super high drama portion of the day. she wouldn't talk to me at all. ignored what i said. i kept talking though, following her. followed into the bedroom where she was packing up clothes etc for herself. then she takes two of our framed pictures off the wall and smashes them against the bed/floor/etc. also a pic of herself that i had framed. so there's glass everywhere and both lori and i are getting freaked out, because this is not safe. i take pearl away (put her in her kennel, took her out of the room) because i am NOT letting her hurt the dog. all during this there's lots of yelling. by the time i get back to the bedroom, min's running out of the house and takes off again in the car.

she came back about 10 minutes later. she is calmer now, but still very angry and hurt. wants to know if i intend to work things out with her, do i really love her. i said i want to work it out but that i really just don't know if we could. i can't tell the future. but i don't know if i have enough left to make it work.

she goes into the living room with lori and they start talking. there is more talking for about an hour, again me trying to explain that i am willing to try to work it out and not see anyone else for now. again her not hearing that, just hearing what i'd said *at the very beginning and not since*, which was that i wanted the open relationship and to be with this other person. and round and round we go.

around 1 they left because min had a dentist appt. meantime i got to spend over an hour cleaning up the glass so that no animals or humans could be harmed in the walking of the bedroom. if i remember right i also got an affirmative (re: dating) from AG around here.

anyway, i got the feeling lori and min must've had some good talks during their trip because by the time min got home around 530, she was much calmer. still upset of course but calmer.

she wanted to talk about what her options were. some options i'm not going to discuss, because believe it or not, there are things i'm not willing to share. but at any rate, the final option was actually trying to *fight* for me, for our relationship.

she said what is it about me that you love? then, don't love? like what's changed for you? i said, some of this is about long term issues and no change in you. but the rest, i realized after having a minute to think, is that i felt like she's not the same person i fell in love with. SHE had changed, withdrawn into this shell of a person. and i know why, it's because she's just hanging on, trying to survive her illness. but, she'd still taken an inward spiral towards less interaction with me. and sure, it's not like she never talked to me, or was never joyful, but mostly things focussed on her health, or cooking/house issues/puppy. i tried talking to her about other things sometimes, but often she just didn't have it in her, and so in turn, we didn't have too much to talk about any more.

and she got it. she's like, you're right, i have changed. i started turning into your parents (house-bound folks obsessed with their own ailing health). and i love you so much, i want to be with you so much, i can't believe i forgot to show you. and so she comes closer and starts to give me a kiss.

and she comes in with a kiss that was so great and so weird that i'll probably never forget it. it was great because it was just hot and led to a several hour sex bonanza. but it was weird in that within an instant i thought, oh…THIS is what it's like to kiss her like that! because it had been SO LONG since we had kissed so passionately, that i forgot what it was like.

a few minutes later i started crying because of that. and then she did, because she felt so horrible about it.

we talked about that some more between bouts of monkeyness and more crying. so much crying, on both our parts. but overall, the evening it was a good start to trying to be more honest, more joyful, and admitting what we need or don't.

a key issue was needing to spend some time working on getting our relationship better, going to a therapist, etc, before bringing others in. that's 100% fair and in retrospect, i feel like a complete fucking ass for bringing it up before we sought therapeutic help. or i guess to be more precise:

• since last monday, min and i have talked, laughed, cried, loved and gone out to do fun activities more than we have in a looooong time. more on that next time.
  
• despite what i said before, i think i do have enough love for min to work things out. in the last week, i have seen more of the min i fell in love with. and that it makes me really hopeful
  
• even though that's filling me up with so much more happiness - for both of us - that doesn't mean that i'm not sad about missing out on AG.
  
• and on that note, AG wrote to me earlier today to clarify it's not that she didn't want me, she just doesn't like the idea of having to share. ok fine, i don't like it but i can respect that. and even so, this changes nothing. there will be no dating of AG, probably ever. mostly i'm just happy to have not misread her as horribly as i thought. and i'm hoping that knowing this will help me to move on.
  

ok, that brings you up to date on the drama. next post will be about the fun i've had the last week. :-)

and now, the humor report

i don't know why -- i haven't seen anything egyptian, with steve martin in it, or SNL lately -- but this morning i woke up with this song in my head. it's rather addictive. and thank you internet for making it so real all over again!

moving towards the truth, part III

so my last serial had me, in january, struggling with a) maintaining a healthy relationship with min b) falling out of love with one woman and c) my attraction to AG. and if i may jump to today for a moment, may i say that i think i'm doing pretty well. things are going a LOT better with min, i'm totally not in love with that other woman, and my longing for AG is fading, or at least it appears to be.

ok back to the past. so i talked with AG quite a bit over the next few months. and by talk i mean innocuous conversation that periodically lapsed into mild flirtation. so by early april i was starting to get hot and bothered. i wanted to push AG for a serious answer - did she want me (rather, to try dating) or not?

this was the first time i had ever seriously considered taking that step with someone i was attracted to (while in a relationship with someone else). i started thinking about all the ways that AG was making me happy -- getting to know someone new; frequent, rapid fire talking +some flirting; and finally, the possibility of sex in my future -- and i came to several realizations:

1. that my relationship with min was lacking in almost all those things
2. even though i didn't think (then) those things could be fixed, i didn't want to leave min because i loved her and was committed to her.
3. that if our relationship was an open one, with rules in place, maybe i could keep min AND me happy at the same time, because
4. i'd get to be with both AG and min.

this sounded logical...in my head. reality is a little different. a fact i learned when, after carefully analyzing and documenting (for myself) the main discussion points for about a week, i finally decided to talk to min two sundays ago. april 8. and it was perfect timing too because - as would happen periodically when i'd go to an event without min - when i returned home, before long i was inevitably asked questions regarding my emotional fidelity.

doesn't this sound like the perfect opening? well, actually i've been meaning to talk to you about something related to that. yeah actually there is no good opening for this kind of conversation. especially when your relationship is already messed up and this is not really the way to fix it. because hey - turns out your partner was right to be suspicious.

anyway i launched into my presentation, and before long, i (understandably) had her crying and saying that she wanted to die. we called her sister lori - yes this is the same one we had the "fabulous" road trip with last summer - and she agreed to come over and spend the night. stay up talking with us, kind of like a mediator. lori actually did a great job. before long, i was saying i wanted to go see a therapist, try to work things out, and was willing to put nonmonogamy on hold until we had given us a fair chance to fix things. min seemed to hear that but also was quite intent on the idea of 'you're just going to have sex with this other woman and then leave me, and what's the point of sticking around for that'.

a very potentially valid point if i do say so. which is why i agreed not to pursue AG until we'd tried to fix us. around 2am we started getting too tired though and went to bed, agreeing to work on this more the next day.

monday morning. min comes in and wakes me up with questions around 7am. why did i stop blogging? was that about her? how did i meet AG? how far had things gone? what was i going to do about her? i answered her questions, tried to go back to sleep, but gave up a few minutes later since my mind was racing. i showered, and as i was getting dressed afterwards min asked if i had the car keys. earlier she'd been looking for the cell phone so i figured she was gonna look in the car for it. so i got her the keys and resumed getting dressed. and a minute or so later, min zoomed off in the car.

and if that isn't a great way to start the day -- and end another post -- i don't know what is. nighty night.

moving towards the truth, part II

ok so when your heroine left off... she was being an idiot for not talking to her gf about how she felt. namely that she still wanted said gf, but also wanted a new girl in addition.

this is where i think i messed up big time. the not talking. min says that if we'd talked then, maybe we wouldn't still be together. that maybe because we have the 9.893 years of togetherness, it gives us the strength, foundation to make it through this. that at 6 months or so, we might've just broken up for good. an interesting point but naturally a hard one to call.

but i didn't say anything, and so i've spent those 9.893 years struggling with these feelings to varying degrees. sometimes i'd go months, maybe even a year or so without too much trouble, and it was relatively easy to keep those feelings locked away.

however the last 3-4 years or so have been an exception. min and i almost broke up a few years back, i can't believe i can't remember why right now. but i do know we were fighting a lot, feeling like it was pointless to talk about difficult things because we felt we knew how the other person would react, so what was the point? well we tried to make agreements that we wouldn't assume we knew how the other person would react, to hear them out and to talk even if we were sure the other person wouldn't take it well.

that went...okay. it got a little better but didn't take long before it was back to usual, for the most part. i can't speak for min of course, but i can certainly attest to the fact that i was a big time offender in this department. it felt like both of us kind of pulled back a bit around then.

then a little over 2 years ago min started getting very ill. i have chronicled much of that in previous entries here. what i did NOT chronicle was the deterioration in our own relationship. like all slips toward damnation, it happened one day at a time. because of the extreme physical hardship min was under, she started retreating into herself, pulling away from work (and eventually left) and into a world focussed on her condition, going to see doctors about her condition, and the puppy. oh and me, although i only got to experience that for the brief time she was awake when i'd get home from work, or longer on the weekends. but still there was a lot of sleeping, not talking more than a few minutes at a time, and certainly almost nothing in the way of intimacy.

this is my POV naturally. at least to some degree, i believe this is how min sees it as well. but, because of all this, i suppose it was natural i'd end up enamored with someone new. i mean even if i didn't already have this tendency to get attracted to other people, this slow, quiet suffocating of our relationship probably would've led me down that path anyway. and so it was that i actually fell in love with another woman.

note that i did not say i was just attracted to her. i was full on in love. and note, i say WAS. i am not in love with her now, although i do love her as a friend. several times over the last year and a half i tried to force myself out of love with her. pull myself away, try to interact more with min, all those things i said before. in february of this year, i realized that i was going to have to take drastic steps about this if i wanted to keep my relative sanity. so i yanked back in the extreme. it took several weeks, and lots of little STFU-type reminders to keep me from ruining myself. i could feel her pulling away, and it killed me, but it worked - she drive me crazy no more.

and in the meantime, i'd like to say that in about january, i realized i was also getting attracted to another girl, we'll call her AG (anonymous girl). so for a while, i wanted min (well, to work things out), the woman in the previous paragraph, and AG. three at a time was new for me, but there you go.

and that's it for today because a) this is long enough and b) clearwaste has finished updating my view. tune in next time for another exciting installment of Heather's Wide World of Insanity!

by the way

anyone listening out there, if you're entertaining judgmental thoughts, things that you think might border on assvice...bring it. i'm not afraid of debate, and i certainly consider myself a work in progress.

and to those of you who've already shared such thoughts privately, thank you. maybe i didn't agree with you, maybe i did. either way i'm happy to have friends who care enough to be honest with me. :-)

moving towards the truth, part I

it's taken me a long time to admit this publicly, but after years of struggling with a very annoying internal dialogue surrounding this topic, i'm pretty sure that i am a polyamorous person. and by that i mean:

for most of my adult life, whenever i have been involved with person A, at the same time - or soon thereafter - i am usually interested in a person B or C as well. it has nothing to do with person A, although i can see the 'that person just wasn't right for you' argument. no, at each time when i was with person A, i've been minding my own business, feeling like everything's just peachy, and then BAM. person B or C knock me upside the head with their absolute charmingness. maybe they're just funny, maybe they're smart, maybe they're just hot, who knows. but whatever - i want them. AND i want person A, have no interest in letting them go either. i want both of them, separately.

so what do you do with that? well, when you're monogamous, you fight with yourself about it. you start doing your best to avoid person B. surround yourself with person A. suddenly find yourself daydreaming about person B. beat yourself up about it and start the whole cycle over again. with discipline, time and some luck, eventually the craving for person B goes away enough that you can actually feel ok around them without wanting to kill yourself.

when i first met min in our little lesbian feminist poetry usenet group (i love the internet) back in 1995, one of the things we ended up talking about was polyamory. at first, we were both involved with other people, so we just chatted as friends, but min had been in poly relationships before. as time went by and i grew more attracted to min, i became very interested in this poly concept. because even though things weren't perfect, i didn't want to leave laura (at the time, but she's now my ex, of course), and i wanted min as well.

the way i remember, min was ok with this. so i had the bright idea to talk to laura about being nonmonogamous. yeah that shit didn't fly so well. we went back and forth on the phone/email about it, and i even went to maryland (i was in tennessee) to visit once so we could spend some time talking about it and me reassuring her. instead we fought a bunch, had some awesome breakup sex, and decided the relationship was probably over. after i got home we talked more, but it really did end a few weeks later.

i wasn't really that happy about losing laura, but i understood where she was coming from. this whole concept was rather new to me as well. but my eyes were open to this new way of being, of harmoniously integrating this tendency to love more than one person at a time, and i didn't want to let it go. so when i trekked out to montana to visit min for the first time, the plan still was to be poly.

what happened instead was i fell harder and faster for min than i ever anticipated. and so did she, for me. and because of that, we decided to be monogamous. i mean hey, i proposed to her on the 3rd day! i know us dykes like to move fast, but that was fast even for me. anyway, i was so incredibly in love with her, that even though i had been VERY into the idea of nonmonogamy, i thought, well, i love her SO MUCH, maybe this time it will really work. maybe all those other times i just wasn't with a person that could fulfill me enough. yeah, it's not me, it's them!

and yet, about 6 months later, i was right back in the same boat as always. person B driving me batshit with desire. and person A (min) was still setting my mind, body and soul on fire in all the right ways.

…and that's where i'll stop for today, because this post is long enough. :-)

for the love of mammon

it's tempting to start my recapping with the most recent future since it's fresh (like me), but i want to back up a bit and bitch about $ and permanent disability, which min is applying for.

the process for permanent disability sucks. a LOT. mostly because you can't be earning any money while you're waiting for approval, and approval generally runs from 6 months (best case scenario) to over 2 years. that's right, YEARS.

so, when we found out that min's short term disability was ending rather abruptly (bout 3 weeks ago now), we went into a bit of a panic. because min made almost as much on disability as she did when she got paid. which naturally had us assuming that with that much money going away indefinitely, we were probably going to have to move to a cheaper place, cut back on all extraneous spending, and even then, still *hope* that we were going to have enough money.

well, that's where panic gets you. rational planning and analysis brings great things like peace of mind and the realization that you actually *do* have money for fun! granted, a LOT less than you did before, but that plus not having to move or get a roommate…well, that's just heavenly.

what's funny is that around this time, my parents - who had been at my uncle's place in oregon for about a week - were having major drama with my uncle and seriously considering leaving. but since they have even less fundus than we do, they weren't really sure what was next. then this disability crisis for us and we thought, wow, we could get my parents to move in and pay rent. that would help them AND us at the same time!

now i'm sure you're thinking, are you loco?? and i have to admit, some part of me thought i was too. but at the time (pre-rational analysis) i was desperate. so i called my mom. or tried, but she wouldn't pick up. fine, voicemail. she didn't call the next day. so i tried again - voicemail. another two days go by. now i'm starting to get worried. i try my sister - disconnected. brother in law - disconnected. some other numbers i forget - disconnected. i tried my mom again - finally i got her! made my offer, and wouldn't you know it but things were going a lot better up there in orygone. so she had to think about it.

a couple days later she called and declined. thankfully i'd done my rational analysis inbetween and figured out that we didn't really need a roommate anymore. THANK GOD. i have no desire to go back to those days at all, least of all with my parents who i'd just spent 3 months trying to get rid of. oh, we would've set down rules, expectations, etc, like for a regular roommate…but i know my parents. and me. it would've been tough to stick to them.

the week min's disability ended we'd been scheduled to go see a therapist to work on our communication problems (almost 10 years in the making!). when that happened, we talked about it but realized we needed to postpone til we had more mammon from on high. now that we're ok in the fundal department, i'm happy to report that we have a new date and i really hope that goes well. because the issues, we have them aplenty to process and discuss.

and the issues (at least the ones leading to the fiesta earlier this week), well i'll leave that for next time, maybe the few next times, because i think my ClearCaseWaste delivery's almost done and i need to get out of here. meantime i'm just….

bubbles, enjoying the old tyme religion theme

the un/godly truth

yes it's me! i know i said i wasn't resurrectable, that i wouldn't blog anymore, and you couldn't convince me otherwise. however just a few things have happened in the last month and a half, especially in the last few days, and after talking with min about it (her encouraging me to blog), i think i'm going to go ahead.

in case you couldn't guess from my last post, she was the Thing I Couldn't Talk About. she was convinced i was saying bad things about her, and it didn't really matter what i said to deny that (and it was NOT true), she just wanted me to clam up. or, get approval ahead of time and i don't work that way. thus, silence.

but a couple days ago she realized that i had killed this blog. and by extension, that action was primarily about her. and because of the other things going on with us, she really wanted me (both of us) to blog again because she's convinced it will be healthy for us to get everything out there, good and bad. i'm not 100% on that for myself, but i DO know that i love having my states documented, because i *love* to forget.

she created a new blog (actually her old one died). i don't really need another one, i like this one. and i'm sure you'll all love hearing this but during my absence i did in fact have a secret blog, one i'll probably keep just to have a dumping ground for unvarnished truth. here, i want to use at least a bit of varnish, or at least clarity.

there is no doubt that a lot of the...more colorful...things that run rampant through my mind have remained hidden during the history of this blog. but over the last few weeks, as we prepared to see a therapist, i realized that i could not hold these things inside any longer.

so, since easter is around the corner, consider this little corner of the web resurrected.

and now, some tidbits to titillate you until i have the energy to post more:

• my parents are finally out of my house.
  
• we did not see the therapist as intended, because:
  
• min's disability $ ended a few weeks ago.
• i finally admitted to myself that i've been unhappy with parts of my life for a long time. which on sunday led to:
  
• telling min i wanted to have an open relationship (incidentally, with a woman who'll remain publicly nameless as long as i can help it, and who has since told me, wait, she's not actually *that* interested -- so lovely), which means:
  
• the last several days have been some of the most exhausting in my entire life. that doesn't even count cleaning up broken glass.
  

trust me, i am going to post explanations and whys later. if you don't think you'll feel comfortable reading about it, fine. you didn't think i was going to write anymore anyway. ;-) this is mostly for me, then for min, and then for anyone else who might find my stories interesting or useful.

because believe me, there will be stories. and they will be the truth, ungodly or otherwise.

i am not jesus

recently i was asked to refrain from discussing a particular topic (in general, not here) without getting preapproval for Acceptable Topic Disclosures. and as a sign of respect, i agreed to honor that request to the best of my ability.

a few days later it occurred to me that a) i have blogged about this topic a LOT and b) i'm not cool with seeking preapproval for blog posts so c) by default i had just killed (at least) half my blog.

then i remembered that d) just last week i had reconsidered killing this blog. i point to the lack of posts and increasingly blase content as proof of my disinterest.

that's on my part. i know that once, you faithful few convinced me to resurrect this blog on the 3rd, or rather 11th day, and so i arose from the dead and shone the Murky Light of Bubbles upon thee.

well i'm sorry, but i'm here to tell you that there will be no second coming. resurrecting is so 1st century AD. and the fact is, i think this blog has always been rather lame. even without this new restriction, there's so much that i haven't been able to talk about. rather than whine about it, or try to invent new topics, i'll call my own bluff and can this.

so anyway - in the future, if you want to know what's going on with me, drop me a note! everyone here should know how to reach me one way or another. best to all of you, and thanks for playing.

confessions from the not-asleep bubbles

ok these are not going to be juicy confessions, so don't get your hopes up. but they are bubblicious:

#1 - i have been searching, sometimes fervently, sometimes half-heartedly, for a new provider for launcharoo over the last month. i really like being a reseller -- it's relatively easy to manage, gives me more chances to geek out, help people, and gets me a little money for not much effort.

however, as a result of my adventures, i am now painfully aware of the difference between 99.8% availability and 99.9%. and 99.8%, my friends, is not shabby in the hosting world. i just want perfection. but turns out finding a replacement is VERY difficult because - surprise! - i really did do a good job picking this provider, as they are definitely still a leader in their class. can i be happy with 100% most months and 99.8% on occasion? dunno.

also i have to say, i had no idea how worked up people are getting over SSH access. wow.

#2 - i really do have mixed feelings about my parents still being here. yes they are still here. let's just say:

- my dad spent most of yesterday with a vomit bowl, but does not appear to have actually had a stroke
- mom's health is a bit iffy as well, but she has been up for helping out around the house with chores. of course this comes with occasional passive-aggressive looks and lack-of-responsiveness. we love you, too, mom.

i hear they will leave by this weekend, depending on the weather. this assumes my dad is well enough to travel of course. and we all know where that kind of logic has gotten me: it's gotten me a 2 month visit from them. and as enlightening as their visit has been, i think i am versed enough in the foibles of my parents.

and what a great job it's done reminding me of my own, too! bonus.

#3 - i seem unable to remember that Staying Up Late At The Computer Will Not Put Me To Sleep. i might get some work done, but in fact it just means i stay awake longer, and the next day i will be a zombie.

but who doesn't want that? i can have zombie pride. rrrraaagggggrrff!

the hits keep on comin'

as predicted, my parents did not leave today. if only i could make money as a parental prognosticator.

my mom came out before i left this morning and said that my dad had a really bad headache. so what? well, headaches can = pending stroke is what. and apparently they also really fuck with his vertigo if he has to drive w/headache, and lead to chuck upping. so...no thanks. and due to the weather i'm sure that means my parents will be here another few days at least.

the good part is that i know min is really loving their company, and will be sad when they go. and i'm glad they're here too, altho i only see them for an hour or so each night when i get home. but the bad part is i just want a break. on tuesday they'll have been here for 2 months. two! i love them but i'm ready for them to leave.

but, only when they really are physically able to go. i just hope that day comes of course. it's just taking many more days than any of us ever expected.

uh, yeah nevermind

the parents of bubbles (nice, susan!) are NOT leaving this morning. my dad just stumbled out here and told me they're both feeling absolutely miserable. i didn't ask him to clarify since he was also still extremely sleepy. he says they'll take today to finish packing up the car and rest, and leave tomorrow.

the day after tomorrow there's supposed to be a several-day storm coming in. rain here and up along i-5, until you get towards oregon when it turns into snow. and my parents have been carefully avoiding having to drive over the pass because of their car's condition and lack of snow tires or chains.

i put tomorrow's chance of departure at 15%. we shall see.

theoretically

my parents are leaving for oregon tomorrow morning. i just found that out tonight. so, given the late notice, they may actually be going.

wow.

my nice-to-have

i could hypnotize you with details from the last week or so, but since today is v-day, i bring you only sweetness from this morning:

i woke up - again too early - with a incredibly sore back. it's been bugging me more lately, not sure why. anyway. surprise - min was up already! had been for a few hours, she's got some kind of flu it seems. i kissed her - and pearl - good morning and was going to start getting ready for work, when i remembered i had a valentines card for her. so i gave it to her, along with more kisses - for her and for pearl (everpresent for any opportunity for attention).

so this is all nice and good. but the best part was after all that, i told min about my back bothering me, and so she gave me an absolutely wonderful backrub this morning. such a little sweetie she is, even tho she felt miserable. didn't take all my pain away, but it all made for a much better way to start the day!

just taking a moment to document The Good Stuff. :-)

just the facts ma'am

in lieu of the fantastic fireworks inside my head, i share with you the following factoids:

• my parents are still here. please try to contain your surprise. everyone in the household is fighting off a new throat bug that my mom seems to have somehow brought into the house. which is amazing considering she hardly goes anywhere besides her bed or a living room chair. nevertheless, she got sick first, and we are insisting on making this a family experience. the family that horks together stays together!
  
  thus, i have no idea when they are really planning to leave now. presuming my parents feel better in a few days, maybe by this weekend, assuming the weather holds. apparently i-5 has been shut down periodically (north of redding) because of snow and ice, even to vehicles with chains. not that my parents have those, of course! silly.
  
• min had an extremely bad attack (pain/cramping/nausea) around 2am last night. we nearly went to the hospital several times, but i kept plying her with different medicines and after a few hours things calmed down, and we both got back to sleep. things have been more rough the last few weeks, so not sure if we're gearing up for something worse or what. at any rate, appreciate you all keeping her health in your thoughts.
  
  and in case you wondered and i hadn't mentioned it before, there is no miracle cure for min. all that can be done is to manage, and try to keep things livable. hopefully someday, workable (that she can go back to working) but the jury's still out on that one.
  
• ok that's the news that's fit to print. hasta la de da!

it's official

fool!
i'm a fool!

i
have been told.

Four by Four

started this at work a few days ago after wen tagged me. but since i can't sleep...this seemed like the perfect time to start over and actually finish it. :-p

Four jobs I've had:

Cashier at Christmas Enchantments (a christmas store, oddly enough)
ASSistant Manager at Papa Johns Pizza
Lead Interface Producer (and no, that's not pretentious)
Product Content Developer (that isn't either)

Four Movies I can watch over and over:

All of Me
Galaxy Quest
High Anxiety
Mary Poppins
and i could go on, because i do love my movies.

Four Places I've lived:

El Paso, Texas
Coquille, Oregon
Nashville, Tennessee
Ben Lomond, Californiyay

Four TV shows I love:
i actually don't have any shows that i *love* right now. but some that i like:

NCIS
CSI (original)
24
and a show that i wish was good enough to like: the l word.

Four places I've vacationed:

British Columbia/Alberta
Maryland
Oregon Coast (just about anywhere)
Disneyland

Four of my favorite dishes:

Beef Stroganoff
Papa Johns Pizza
Min's Lasagna
German Chocolate Cake

Four sites I visit daily:

Webmail for myriad email accounts
Bloglines
Random entry from my Bloglines feed
Wamu

Four places I would rather be right now:

Asleep in my bed, with Dolce sleeping on me (as usual - altho she is sitting next to me and purring)
Asleep in a bed, inside a villa overlooking the mediterranean sea
Asleep in a bed, inside a castle overlooking the irish coastline
Asleep in a bed, inside a cabin overlooking tons of snow-capped mountains

ok i don't think it's going to work, but i'm going to try to make #1 in that last list come true now. cya =)

i'm so glad

that on a day where i:

- went to bed 3 hours ago
- actually fell asleep 2 hours ago
- woke up 45 minutes ago
- have to be up for the day, 3 hours from now

that my brain would NOT. SHUT. UP.

if i ever win the lottery, i'm paying a mad scientist to build an off switch for my noggin. i swear.

the power of all of us

is being used to send me and mario (and the rest of our teammates) to TAHOE in march!

that's right. tahoe. for the weekend.

remember how i said a couple times that i was happy i moved to web dev?

i'm not happy.
i'm HAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPY.

i think i will offer a sacrifice of lactose-free cheesecake to the goddess of technology tonight, because clearly, she love me. and i love her.

a thing i stoleth

from LEER Jet Wen

1. Are you girly?: I would like to think I'm not. I certainly don't think of myself as such.
   
2. Do you like bi girls?: I like all girls. (This answer is too perfect to change)
   
3. Are you a good kisser?: that's what i hear!
   
4. Whats your favorite thing about girls?: The unmentionables. And just how much more i love being around them than (most) guys. So I guess...the way they think, talk, and are. At least, the ones that I choose to be around, hah.
   
5. Least fav. thing about girls? I'll go with wen and say PMS. But also, the incredible ability to discuss a topic to death. And then resurrect it for further dissection. Bonus if the topic has high emotional quotient.
   
6. Do you play softball?: Nope.
   
7. Which would you prefer..beach...bball...or movie?: SO the beach. i would live at the oceanside if i could afford it.
   
8. Do you like to make the first move?: I guess it depends. Online, absolutely. Offline, I'm probably too shy to be that bold.
   
9. How many times have you been asked "how do 2 girls have sex"?: Less than 10
   
10. How many times have you been asked "are you the girl or guy in the relationship"?: Same, less than 10.
    
11. Do your parents know?: Oh yes. Came out to them with much (usual, I'm sure) angst on all sides. But all is well in that department, now.
    
12. Coke or Dr. Pepper? Currently, Dr. P. But really the soda du jour is root beer.
    
13. Nike...adidas...kswiss...puma?: whatever i think looks good.
    
14. Have you ever proposed to your girlfriend?: yup! proposed to min after our 3rd day together (irl; had known each other online for over a year)
    
15. Have you ever been cheated on?: nope
    
16. Have you ever cheated on one of your gf's?: i liked keri's answer. emotionally, yes. physically, absolutely not. tho that distinction is of questionable lauding.
    update: i forgot, i did make out once with another girl, while i was still with my ex. whoops. guess that's why she became an ex. :-p
    
17. Whats your favorite color?: greens and burgandies
    
18. Do you do any drugs or drink?: only as prescribed by a doctor
    
19. Do you have any piercings??: only as prescribed by a doctor. ok really, i have pierced ears that haven't seen a piercing in several years
    
20. Any tattoos?: no, and probably i never will.

if interested feel free to steal this would-be-meme for yourself. :-) lemme know if you do and i'll come visit yours!

mmmm...caffiene!

i love my frapp. especially now that i've started adding caramel to it. mmmm.

also: i know i'm sleepy, but there's nothing odder than someone you've never met (in this case, the trainer for the session i'm in) suddenly calling on you by name. and asking questions that let you know they actually know your history. trippy.

i SO am getting coffee later

i am continuing my streak of not being sleepy at the right time. tonight i thought, fine! i have some things todo on the computer that i've been putting off. i'll just do that until i get sleepy.

yeah and here i am at 2am. i think i'm finally getting sleepy. but FFS. 2 AM!

good thing the last bit of training tomorrow is a) brief and b) probably pretty simple. but also, thank goodness for caffiene, because i am absolutely getting some in about 6 hours.

p.s.

i forgot to add:

- there is no new thing or (relatively) recent event that precipitated my last post. these issues have been around for quite some time. i just decided to admit a few things last night.

- i am not all gloom and doom. in fact, i've been plenty silly lately. pleeeenty. altho, i suppose there can never be enough of that. so bring it on! :-D

i'm sure i should be asleep

but clearly i'm not.

i am tired, sure. i want to sleep. but too many things are running through my head. things that i am not, at this time, ready to talk about here. maybe someday - when therapy has loosened some tongues. sometimes it is not better to leave words unspoken. but on the other hand, sometimes it is.

and that, my friends, is how you end up with:

- cryptic posts
- news reports rather than wry observations
- or no posts at all

so you can see why i abandoned this blog at one point, eh? those traits do not lend themselves to good reading. or for that matter, much in the way of conversation. because i may be quiet, but my mind is almost always racing. it's just a matter of what seems appropriate to share. and pretty often, not much is.

i guess for now: i'm trying to avert a personal disaster, and also taking baby steps in the aversion. i'd rather take gigantic steps to get there, because baby steps annoy the crap out of me, but this isn't just about me. also i'm not so sure this diaster is avoidable (honestly, sometimes i don't care if it isn't) but time will most certainly tell. it always does - little brat.

i love locolization

because i love making the content CrAzY! bananas! loco! wooo!

- with thanks to my friendly local coworker-created powerpoint -

a brief summary

i just realized it's been a few weeks since i had a general type of update. rather than kvetching or just being silly (or both). so:

• my parents are still here. they are making noises about leaving within a week. we shall see.
  
• my dad is not up to his usual par (a relative term) yet. over the last 96 hours or so i think he's spent 10 of those hours awake. is that excitement or what?
  
• min's still having a pretty tough time. more attacks, acid, pain, etc than usual the last couple of weeks. i am pretty sure she is trying to do too much since my parents are here, but at the same time i know she's glad for their company. makes it kind of tricky
  
• i am really really really really really really happy i moved to web dev. i know i haven't done any "work" yet, but i am just so happy to be doing something different that i can't even tell you.
  
• ok i think that's it for now.
  
• love you too!
  
• bye!
  

the future is today

hey! lucky you. you get a recap of what led to my 3:54am post. i'm still sleepy (amazing, being that it's after 1am) but eminently more alert than i was last time.

the short version: friday was a very, very, very long day.

much longer (think old testament, intermission-worthy) version:

• got up way too early (645am). canNOT tell you why. and even if i could, it wouldn't matter. would it? thought so.
  
• blogged something that got more attention than i expected. and fyi, not necessarily so accurate as it turns out, at least in the "results" department
  
• went to work. did something for a few hours. cannot remember what.
  
• lunch with liz. usual debate about where to go, but of course, agree that it must be near toffee crack distributor. settle on now-with-friendly-hostess indian buffet! she still surprises me.
  
• post-lunch exclamations akin to "ahhhhh" and "i love toffee crack" and "omg this is so good" fill the 5 ft BUBBLE surrounding me for several minutes
  
• back to work. accidentally skip company meeting. notice a LOT of other people are skipping meeting, and we enjoy much discourse (e.g., metrosexual garb, the pacific northwest, how fluffy penny's hair is today) with aforementioned skippers.
  
• i think i worked on some bugs
  
• wait longer than expected for chariot to arrive, because chariot driver got sick whilst running errands. get headache and eyestrain from looking at computer too long. go for walkabout. rinse and repeat.
  
• chariot driver appears to be on the mend. tenative plans for dinner and movie are a go!
  
• chariot arrives, along with chariot driver and parental units, around 645. all of us exit stage left and head to the amc mercado. since it's less than a half hour til munich, we get dinner to go from world wrapps and smuggle it into the theatre.
  
• enjoy the movie a LOT. also help min a bit since she starts having an attack (resulting from her dinner). she walks around and things calm down by the time the movie ends.
  
• movie ends- the four of us exit stage right. my dad falls down before we exit the auditorium. it's a very minor fall, but he does NOT look good, so we sit him down on a bench in the hallway. min has the brilliant idea to go get the chariot and bring it around to the back entrance so dad doesn't have to walk so far. i go with her so i can help her find the chariot, and come think of it, drive, because min's starting to get pretty sleepy.
  
• we are within 50 feet of the chariot. i didn't bring my bag in, but min brought a bag, so i ask her for the chariot keys.
  
• there are no keys.
  
• grep -lr 'keys to my chariot' * = no results
  
• i go to the chariot to look for keys, make sure chariot hasn't been confiscated, etc. min retraces her steps, returns to auditorium, etc, hoping to find keys. i return to theatre and we find out hey! grep still returns no results.
  
• around 1045pm, i call AAA - on the payphone, because the cell is in the chariot, naturally - and arrange for a chariot hack. i may not know where min's keys are - in fact, at this point no one knows - but i know that my keys are in the trunk, in my bag, so once we get those we can go home. i let them know that i also have my father with me, and he is ill, so if they can expedite the request i would really appreciate it. they say it should be less than an hour.
  
• min is VERY sleepy at this point. i don't have my coat. but since i run very hot (my temperature) AND i am the healthiest one in the bunch, i volunteer to go wait next to the chariot for AAA to hack into said chariot.
  
• spent 15 minutes in tolerably cold parking lot, walking around chariot. spot AAA truck already! sweet!
  
• but, why is he staying way over there? well, maybe he will come down this row and not maintain a 100 feet BUBBLE around me. oh yes, here he comes.
  
• oh good fuck, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I'm over here!! you are NOT supposed to skip the 3 rows that surround me, moron. and...you shit. you are NOT supposed to leave the parking lot after this cursory jaunt!
  
• maybe he went to another part of this mammoth parking lot. i'll wait 5 minutes and see if he returns.
  
• fucker.
  
• fine. i go back inside and call AAA and explain what happened. they tell me to go back outside, that the driver is still in the area and should be with me shortly.
  
• i spend another 45 minutes a) walking around the chariot in an attempt to keep warm and b) not seeing a AAA truck. i give up and start to head back inside. at this point my Gang has moved closer to a front entrance so i can still see near our chariot while talking to said Gang. i ask min (aka sleepy girl) to call AAA and ask what's the haps. and also that if i haven't come to pick them up within a half hour, to please call AAA again and ask WTF!?! is going on.
  
• i spend another 45 minutes a) walking around the chariot in an attempt to keep warm and b) not seeing a AAA truck. i give up and head back inside. i see Sleepy Girl outside. hey! what's up? um. nothing.
  
• ok, go inside. mom had brilliant idea to call AAA on her cell (no more payphone). but because her phone has an oregon area code, it keeps bouncin her to their road service, not NorCal. she's on hold, but gives me her cell, so that i can keep calling AAA and not have to come inside (possibly missing my hot AAA rendezvous). good work, mom!
  
• finally talk to AAA person who apologizes and says the same thing i heard 90 minutes ago: the driver is still in the area and should be with me shortly. does shortly mean less than a half hour? at this point i've been waiting outside almost 2 hours and i'm really starting to freeze. and get annoyed as all shit.
  
• but yes, shortly means less than a half hour.
  
• fine. i spend another 30 minutes a) walking around the chariot in an attempt to keep warm and b) not seeing a AAA truck. min is with me for part of this, but she gets too cold and has to go back inside. altho i enjoy hugging her for a moment to warm up a bit, it's almost better when she's not there, simply because then i start talking about the whole fiasco and the more i talk, the more agitated and expletive-ridden i get. yeah, you go back inside, honey. ;-)
  
• time to call AAA again. and spend 5 minutes getting rerouted to NorCal AAA again. this time they put me on hold while they try to get ahold of the dispatcher. doobee. dispatch says, driver is finishing a call, should be at your location within 20 minutes tops. i'm pissy (it's been 2.5 hours now) but grateful that this should be over soon.
  
• i spend another 20 minutes a) walking around the chariot in an attempt to keep warm, but REALLY starting to freeze, and b) not seeing a AAA truck. min arrives near the end of this 20 minute stretch and we agree that when i call AAA this next time, if they don't have a good answer about WTF the problem is, we're calling a cab and we'll deal with getting into our chariot on saturday. we can break into our house (awkwardly, but doably) if need be -- and we need to put a stop to this disaster one way or another.
  
• time to call AAA. and spend 5 minutes getting rerouted to NorCal AAA again of course. this time they say, let me get the actual driver on the line. ok sure you do that.
  
• grep -lr 'where the fuck is the driver?' * = no results
  
• like i am surprised by this fact.
  
• AAA says, the last i heard, he was right there. i ask, what do you mean, here? in the parking lot? yep. well i hate to tell you this, but i've been outside for almost 3 hours now, and except for the first driver who blew me off, there ain't been no tow trucks in here. and now there's practically nobody here, so i really can see pretty damn well who's in the lot. AAA lady says, he really should be right there.
  
• what the fuck am i going to say to that? i just told you he's not here! so i hang up and we call a cab. ETA 15 minutes.
  
• i spend another 15 minutes a) walking around the chariot fucking freezing to death, and b) not seeing a AAA truck or cab.
  
• but hark! could that be a AAA truck, coming in from the east? it is! good fuck! get your ass over here, punk.
  
• AAA driver, aka DazedGrizzledAndConfusedEnabled, asks me if i want to get into his truck and ride over to my chariot. my back and feet are killing me and i may be freezing to death but i'm not fucking getting in your truck, creep.
  
• i'm so mad i can't even talk to him.
  
• DazedGrizzledAndConfusedEnabled goes to work on his chariot hacking. chariot is hacked in short order. min comes back over. fill out forms, blah blah, turn on the chariot and get the heat going!
  
• ps. keys had fallen out of bag onto back seat. :-p
  
• pick up parental units and we head home like little zombies. some zombies are more animated than others, and even though i've spent almost 3.5 hours outside tonight and it's waaaay past my bedtime, when we get home, i can't go to sleep for another hour. i'm exhausted but i'm wired.
  
• which is fine with pearl, who of course unexpectedly was in her kennel for much longer than usual. so while we watched a bit of tv, she had to dance about, pee (outside, thank you), dance some more and then cuddle for a bit anyways before she could go to sleep too.
  
• ok that's it.
  
• except that yes, i learned my lesson and the next time i have trouble with AAA, i'll call a cab after no more than 90 minutes. i know this was an exception - in all my years with them, they've been nothing but prompt and reliable. until today.
  
• oh and even better lesson to learn: make sure more than one person has a key. yes. that is good.
  

seriously

i should not be awake right now.

and maybe tomorrow i will explain why i am still awake. but, i AM going to sleep now.
goodbye!

MUNIpulation or inadvertent happy pill?

so there's This Thing i want to do next month, but my ability to attend is dependent on a couple of things. one of those things includes softening some of the emotional roadblocks that will likely arise should This Thing actually look like a reality.

a few days ago, when my thoughts drifted toward This Thing for the billionth time that day, i randomly thought: oh! i should =insert behavioral adjustment here= and i bet that will help out a LOT with those emotional roadthingies. plus, it just makes good business sense.

i figured that would be the end of it. because i will let you in on a secret that those uber-close to me already know: i am crap when it comes to implementing a plan that involves me making behavioral changes. oh i mean well and all - i just forget.

anyway, yesterday i found myself doing =behavioral adjustment= more than once. and enjoying it (that particular instance was very silly). OMG! suddenly i realized a) i hadn't done that in quite some time unless you included b) THE LAST FEW DAYS.

what?!? am i actually capable of emotionally manipulating myself via my subconscious? and subsequently, others? the thought that this could be true is tripping me out.

that said, i'm ok with any dichotomy that might arise resulting from this. because the end result is that everyone seems a smidge happier (including me). and since that's been hard to come by lately, i really don't give ashita. i'll take the happy where i can get it.

the results (theoretically) are in

i am, in fact, moving to webdev. i just came back from what is hopefully the last meeting i ever have to attend regarding my prospective defection. i'm supposed to officially move at the end of the month, and get some more (hopefully better) training between now and then as part of the transition.

and when that transition is complete i will light a candle for love and sing praises at the altar of the coding goddesses. and those goddesses? they will smile on me, because i am just a badass at the keyboard.

i wish i had learned this earlier in life

BE SURE TO STOP WHEN YOUR LUCK IS RUNNING OUT BECAUSE IF YOU GUESS WRONG YOU WILL LOSE EVERYTHING YOU COLLECTED ON THAT TURN.

that and so many more kernels of knowledge are available here.

thanks to liz for the link (and for distracting me when i really didn't need to be distracted).

i think

i am
listening
to
the slowest
(and most unhelpful)
"presentation"
ever

i tell you what

there's nothing better than getting meeting requests about your move to a new department (more than one meeting!) while you're in training for that new department.

yeah that fucking ROCKS.

in better news, my dad is home from the hospital. yay! and sleeping, i'm sure.

the big daddio! and more webdev

i'll be seeing my dad in a little bit here (and i've seen him lots since my last post), but i just talked to my mom and:

- his hemmorhage has decreased significantly in size
- no more bleeding, either!
- headaches a bit better, but apparently that will take another week to get better
- still working on getting his blood back to appropriate thickness
- he may get out as early as tomorrow!

so, yay! i am sure my parents would love to have their anniversary together (it's sunday) so hopefully that will work out. and plus they can get back on zee road up to orygone! i'm glad they've had our little waystation here of course, but i think their cat fiona is getting preeeetty tired of camping out in the guest bedroom.

in other news, i spent most of today in meetings, most of which were about this move to web dev. they still haven't sorted this out 100% (is it happening at all? which team are we sending you to?), but that's not stopping them from sending us to training the next week and a half. ok, fine. if i don't really move there, what'd you do, increase my geek quotient? fine by me. altho, i would be very bummed if the move doesn't happen. so it better happen.

i said it better!
ok bye :-)

the art of conversation (with dad)

talked to my dad tonight. in person, even. his voice was a bit more slurred than usual but he was definitely more upbeat and coherent than when i last saw him a couple days ago.

they found out that he really did just have a hemmorhage, not the stroke version. which is good. as of yesterday he was still having a very minor amount of bleeding. adjusting his coumadin so that the bleeding should slow.

today they did an EEG to verify he's not having seizures. apparently they suspect he is having petit mal seizures because he keeps staring off for a few seconds, sometimes mid-sentence. oh AND he passed out while making his way back to the bed post-EEG. nice work. for that they theorize a blood pressure med problem. blood pressure had been too high, and apparently they doubled the dosage yesterday. yeah, do you really want to immediately double something like that? i would think small steps. but what do i know?

anyway, that's the dad report for now!

in other news, i'm finally freaking moving to web dev! i know it's not to the team i expected (are there countries besides china?), but that's ok - learning is good. i'm just very happy to be moving on. i need a change. oh and to get reaquainted with my former level of geekhood.

jennie, this is for you

make both you and graham happy at the same time with the bug vacuum.

i love technology. and popgadget.

minor dad update

we are still waiting on more info from the MRI/MRA, but earlier tonight i heard that:

- his headache is doing better
- hemorrhage is not too large, and not expanding
- he ripped out his catheter (um...yeah...not so smart)
- but at the same time, apparently he's LESS agitated and irrational than he has been the last few days

that's all the news that's fit to print! but generally good news so yay!

stick it good

because i can't sleep, a snippet from today:

INT1. Space between liz and mr. brady's cube. liz and MB conversing.
liz: where should i stick it?

(immediately i am snickering)

INT2. IM between liz and me
me: where should i stick it?????
liz: shut up

(now both of us are snickering)

INT1. Space between liz and mr. brady's cube. liz and MB conversing.
mr. brady: oh, you can stick it anywhere

INT2. IM between liz and me
me: hey, YOU can stick it anywhere!
me: so FlagStickItAnywhereEnabled='true for liz'

(more concurrent snickery)

INT1. Space between liz and mr. brady's cube. liz and MB conversing.
liz: ok thanks

sitting near liz (and overhearing gems like that) is almost as fun as sitting next to her. actually, maybe it's more fun because now everytime she returneth to her cube, she comes into the frame of my rearview mirror, and she dances for me (for 2 seconds) .

why am i awake?

The True Hollywood Quiz

a. because the bed was shaking and i hear min gasping hysterically in what i assume is crying. i ask, 'what's wrong?!' and of course the answer is that she's laughing listening to conan o'brien learning that sometimes, anteaters need Male Enhancement too.
b. i had to pee.
c. i got all kinds of songs stuck in my head.
d. i kept thinking about the previous day's events.
e. nausea and ultimately hunger pangs were my unwilling companions.
f. all of the above.
g. other

feel free to submit ideas for G. there's always a chance i'm forgetting something.

somebody here needs some help

i just went to the bathroom and someone made their own version of a toilet seat cover, using toilet paper. i know this because half of it was still left on the seat. but the best part is that THERE WERE PLENTY OF PREFABRICATED TOILET SEAT COVERS 18 INCHES AWAY.

why the fuck do you need to roll your own? and leave them there for me? oh and leave the remnants (of what are obviously your previous fucked up attempts at toilet seat creation) scattered about the floor?

i love people.

mother knows best

today my mom insisted that my dad get a CAT scan. after that, he started up with chuck again (he just doesn't know when to say goodbye). woo.

as my mom said, "they didn't find a cat", but they did find evidence of a "brain hemmorrhage", which after reading on the internets, i found out in this case is really a hemorrhagic stroke. so to that i have to say: go mom, for predicting the stroke.

also the internets has freaked me out a bit because i don't know which kind of HS it really was, and apparently one type has a higher mortality than the other. i do know that most of the hemmorrhage is outside the brain. but if i remember right (getting late for me), some of it is seeping in.

i don't know if it's getting better or worse yet. i do know that they are doing both an MRI and MRA (which i hadn't heard of, but is specifically for blood vessels) tomorrow.

i also know that my mom "has been waiting for this to happen" -- apparently doctors have been telling her for years that because of his myriad conditions (i've seen the list; he has 14 items on his list of diagnoses), this kind of thing was an eventuality. not that the whole thing is any less freaky to my mom, now that it's happening. and a little to me (more later i'm sure; i'm always on tape delay).

anyway...i should go to bed. i do appreciate all the good energy you guys are sending along...thank you so much. hopefully i'll have more encouraging news tomorrow.

ps. part deux

my dad rang in the new year with a fever, migrane and by sending chuck up up and away! woo!

but in typical stubborn dad fashion, he refused to go to the hospital until chuck had been upped for about 12 hours or so. also he'd been very disoriented and had a TIA a few days ago (among other things, this is compounded by my dad's antiphospholipid syndrome.)

so with all those things mom was pushing him to go to the ER. he finally relented around 1pm. because i'm tired, i'm going to abbreviate and say that after much ambulance fun, waiting fun, and more chuck, my dad was finally admitted to the hospital around 9pm.

i think mostly they are observing him rather than thinking a stroke is imminent. but my mom, a true expert after living thru 15 years of this with my dad, thinks otherwise. we shall see what tomorrow (well, later today!) brings, but hopefully he just needs some fluids and antibiotics (may have a sinus infection). and my poor mom, she's trying to fight off that bug but not succeeding very well.

on the upside min is feeling better than she did last night - almost had to go to hospital just for her. but she's doing better today.

keep those rays of goodness coming! very appreciated.

p.s.

i was going to treat you to a typically verbose recap of the last week or 2 but in the last few minutes pearl has fallen asleep in my arms, and one-handed typing is getting laborious and typo-prone. for now:

* please send my dad, mom and min some healing health vibes.

* found out last night that min's mom has congestive heart failure, has 1-6 months left. still in hospital ICU. anyway, the whole clan can use prayers and good vibery.

* please send me positive vibes (and if so inclined, a*vice) for handling some relationship/communication issues @ home

thanks all
love
bubblicious

i talk too much

since i can't sleep and i still hate my ovulatin' ways, i just spent the last few hours rereading the saga that was Heather Muses, 2005.

when that idea first came to me (as i tried to sleep), i thought, maybe all that reading'll put me to sleep! i yammered a lot this year. as i began mentally reviewing the year, my first ideas for a followup year-summary post went something along the lines of 2005. STHU!

no seriously. this has been a Long Ass Year.

but i will not regale you with how much i think 2005 sucked or was suckless. most of you were here for that journey - certainly i was for most of it - and i really don't feel a need to relive it more than i just did via re-reading my own words.

and damn can i blather on with the best of them. but wittily so. sometimes i think that is the only real benefit to knowing me.

i guess i will just say: to those of you still paying attention, thanks for sticking around. i'm not sure that my erratic but enchanting (hellow!) posts are worth it, but i'm glad you think so. i love all of you and am grateful to know you. and here's sincerely hoping that 2006 is a helluva lot better than its predecessor.

oh and so as to not end on quite so melancholy a note, i remind you of the following goodies i have shared with you:

* nietzschaurus
* words of wisdom
* that trophy is mine
* fire!
* oceanopanorama
* some sweetness

i tell you what

ain't nuthin better than waking up at 4am and spending an hour realizing you're not going back to sleep.

no siree.

so much to say

and i don't want to overwhelm you all with its wondrousness. so for now i will say:

what a helluva week it's been.

kisses,
the recuperating-from-a-cold bubbles

sometimes

there's so much beauty in the world, i feel like i can't take it.

but then i get a dog ornament that in a more flattering universe, kinda looks like this (actual pic posted soon). and then, really, i kinda move past the whole beauty thing.

ps. my parents arrived just fine. they are going for the gold in the olympian event of sleeping. woo!

update: here's the real deal. thanks liz!

heather needs a break from tree-trimming

as expected, i didn't get to actual trimming of said tree until this weekend. lights, garland and tree topper? so last weekend.

anyway, i forgot what an all-day affair tree-trimming is when you have a ginormous tree and you're doing it by yourself. after 4 hours (relatively straight thru except for laundry), i think i'm at the 75% mark and my back and feet need a break!

so the habitat for humanity thing made for an interesting, tiring but rewarding friday. there was a lot of hammering, holding down things, taking nails out, trying to hear people give instructions over hammering and sawing, and lots of pointing and shrugging.

i missed the initial group formation and 830am training (which held me back in no way), however, because en route to ze habitat - in the words of liz and andrea - pearl decided we needed to discuss a fecal matter right now. and discuss it quite fervently and extensively. since we were literally 2 blocks from our regular vet, in we went.

she had a mild fever, which was very different from the Other Times, so we suspected she was ill rather than having eaten something inappropriate. later in the day we found out some of her liver levels were off, and she wasn't well enough by closing time. so we made our first trip up to adobe. and i must say we really liked them a lot. very kind and thorough. and overall, about the same or mildly cheaper than our usual vet. about 20 miles away instead of 2, but i can see that at times, it'll be worth it to go there instead.

anyway pearl stayed overnight and we picked her up midday saturday, along with some takehome meds, which naturally she is loooving having to ingest. also ran some errands, sorted through presents (who's this for? what's this?) and wrapped a good mess of 'em.

oh and started cleaning up/preparing the spare room, which my parents will be staying in starting tomorrow evening. i suppose i should have called to confirm they actually left AZ, but they should be on the road now and here sometime tomorrow. i hope having them here will make me as happy as it FEELS to think about having them here for christmas. but we'll see. the idea of family is usually better than the reality, but we're all certainly good at pretending things are fine, so i'm sure it will be.

ok time to go back to work. happy festivus!

if the shoe fits

i forgot to add, i love my new slippers from zappos. all the great reviews (mostly for similar slippers from LB Evans) meant that i intentionally ordered one size too big and sure enough, they fit PERFECT.

i was so set to have to return these shoes. i was so not convinced that you could order shoes off the internet and have them fit automagically. but the free shipping, good return policy and well, the fact that i finally found slippers approximately my old standbys, all pursuaded me to give zappos a try.

all hail the internet,
from which all blessings flow!
i loves my internet,
it's better than doing blow!

kisses,
bubbles

and now, the toupee report

tomorrow i expect to be outside. at least i have a new cute (and sexy) hoodie to wear! our group at work is doing an offsite for habitat for humanity. i think it's a great idea. i just hope my ovaries will cooperate. all week they've been staging an overthrow of the government. frankly i think they should be sentenced to death, but whatever.

in more cheery news, it's really looking good for my parents coming up here for christmas, en route to oregon. talked to my mom tonight finally and she's feeling better. has a meeting with the cardiologist tomorrow but expects him to say, 'sure, you can head up to oregon!' so hopefully we will in fact have a full house for christmas.

i've gotten no further on decorating the tree, thanks to aforementioned coup d'abdomen. but i have this weekend to wrap that up, wrap presents, and clean up the house. wooo! again, i should be exhausted on monday but happy. good way to start a short week. :-D

oh and ALMOST done buying christmas presents - 1 more to go. waiting for some to arrive, and others are trickling in. phew! thank YOU, almighty internet! i bow to your magnificence.

you don't light up my life

i think one of the universal constants must be that every year when you pull out christmas lights for the tree, one or more sets of lights will refuse to work, forcing you to buy replacements.

on the other hand, maybe this is part of some master consumerist conspiracy. maybe, in inner circles, it is known that christmas lights are engineered to have no more than a 2 year shelf life. by keeping the time so short, it forces us to by replacements every few years, thus keeping the industry alive. hmmm....

at least replacements are en route. :-)

ps. i am definitely feeling more festive today. working on the tree and listening to christmas music all day may have something to do with that. hard to say!

happy holidaze

last night i called my mom at the hospital. no answer. so i call her at home. hey! she just got home an hour before. so it turned out that she really was getting overmedicated, for the most part. they severely reduced her blood pressure medicine and adjusted/removed others. after a few days, she was already feeling halfway better, so yay!

there still were some other issues, which unfortunately i've already forgotten, that require another test involving tilting her on a table. wheee! anyway, if they can get that test scheduled in the next 2 weeks, then after the test they'll come here for christmas before finishing the trek to oregon.

and actually there's a good chance that if it's going to take more than 2 weeks, they'll wait til they get up to oregon to get the test. which again, means christmas with us. and the thought of that is making both min and i really happy. we miss my mom a lot, and besides, christmas is always one of those moore(hah)-the-merrier kind of holidays.

holy shit it's just 2 weeks to christmas.

today we went up to berkeley for a moving sale min read about on our famous basappho. free or almost free stuff! how can you resist? well, you can't. got an extremely sturdy butcher block for $20 and other things i didn't pick out.

after that we went to the berkeley version of fat apple's, and i have to say, that one is not as good as the one in el cerrito. no parking, much smaller, and stuffy (air). the food was alright but not quite as excellent as our usual.

oh and no yule log. hello! i was all ready to take a picture and everything, after the amazing one they'd had in el cerrito. bastards.

went home for a bit, then back out to get our christmas tree at home depot (cheap, excellent trees). as some of you may know, i did a stint (with my illustrious, nomadic family, who at the time was living in a bus) in a christmas tree lot, so i'm pretty good at picking out a good tree.

so found the Best Tree For Us. but what a doozy of a snit we got into, tying the tree to the car. whatever. fyi: being together for 9.57 years means a) you've mostly learned when to give each other space and b) there's still things to learn about talking to each other (successfully).

we then popped into home depot for some electrical cords and agreed that doing ANYthing with the tree should wait for tomorrow. give ourselves a break. :-)

came home, dinner, a mini-attack for min (which was mostly soothed by time, medicines and trolling on ebay), then she went to bed about 930. and here i am at 11, bored but still alert enough to blog and listen to 'it's a wonderful life' behind me.

suddenly i'm remembering that i STILL have not put together christmas lists for all the people i need to buy for. i think, very soon, i am either going to be doing a crapload of internet shopping or a bunch of people are getting gift cards. i really do love buying (and wrapping) gifts for people, but for some reason christmas is really sneaking up on me this year. and not like, oh yay, it's finally christmas! no, this is like, fuck! already? normally by thanksgiving we've bought EVERYONE'S gifts. this year, maybe 2 people are done. ieeeee.

this is my favorite holiday of the year, and i have the HORDES of boxes to prove it. but for some reason it seems to be here too early! hopefully getting all the boxes from the basement tomorrow, strewing their contents about the house, and getting a backache from spending all day decorating the tree will put me in a christmas frame of mind. i'll be tired as all shit heading into the work week, but the house should be more festive. oh and hopefully me too. ;-)

math is fun!

recently overheard:

person 1: you know what would be cool, to have a cool math job.
person 2: math job?
person 1: yeah and then you could figure out and understand all these equations about earth and nature.
person 2: ahhhh.

really, i think that says it all.
love,
heather the ex-math major

oh right

sorry, forgot to update y'all on my mumzi. i talked to her tuesday night and turns out the overmedication premise is not that bizarre. i didn't realize my mom had lost about 100 pounds over the last year or so. the month or two she was just with us, she lost maybe 10 pounds? but before that i saw her maybe once a year, for the last few years, so it was kind of hard to keep up with that.

anyway, apparently her meds have not really been adjusted during that time, particularly her pain meds and blood presure medicine. mostly they are concerned about the blood pressure, since that would explain the fainting and lack of energy quite well. obviously the pain meds could affect that too, but the blood pressure especially.

i meant to call my mom last night but fell asleep too early (nice for a change tho, i have to admit). i WILL call her tonight. i will!

meantime today min and i had a really nice lunch downtown at sonoma chicken and then trolled the farmer's market right there. was pretty spartan, especially compared to what i used to see when i worked a few blocks away, but it was still fun to go and get a couple veggies, flowers, and a christmas ornament.

because we don't have enough of those. no, we need to have about 20% more than the tree can hold. that way the ones left behind are not so ronery.

i suspect a lot of this weekend will be about christmas (getting stuff from the basement, buying a tree, maybe getting some presents finally!) -- and really that ain't so bad. :-D

happy weekend!

i should have guessed

that since i hadn't heard from my mom for a few days, that they did not really leave arizona as planned. no, i should have guessed that instead, she was having blackouts, unable to get up out of her chair and doesn't have enough energy to do almost anything.

the next thing i should have guessed is that it would take them 3 days to get her to the emergency room, where she would then be admitted for more testing and observation.

sigh. so far the doctors are thinking that either a) they don't know what the fuck is going on or b) she is overmedicated. while option b is possible, somehow i doubt it. but i'm no doctor. mom is on quite the battery of medications due to several medical conditions (does anyone in my family NOT have medical issues? no.) but somehow that explanation seems fishy to me.

in the meantime my parents may have to move out of their shared housing situation by saturday. i suppose i will find out more about that within the next few days, but i'm a little freaked out for them.

not that i can do anything about all that, of course. nor should i (probably) try. i have rescued them so much, i really should take a break. but on the other hand, they are my parents. i guess we'll just see how things play out this week.

anyway, enough whining. please send good vibes to my mom, and divination powers to the doctors overseeing her. thanks!

am i running out of love?

yes, 5 whole days since i last posted. i know you've enjoyed the respite, so yes, you're very welcome!

so what's going on in my corner of the world? that i'm willing to tell share in mixed company? hmm.

1. my mom is not only out of the hospital, she is at this moment either en route to or has landed in the smoldering hotbed of salem, oregon. as to what ended up being wrong with her, the working theory is hypoglycemia. yes, apparently if you time it well and don't eat right, you, too, can have a grand mal seizure as a result of low blood sugar.

re: moving to oregon, she and my dad could not locate a place down in phoenix in time (they had to move by the 15th) so up they're trekkin to ore-e-gone, to her brother richard's questionably fabulous apartment. i do wish them well.

2. we had a nice but mostly quiet weekend. tried to go see syriana but since it's difficult to see a movie that hasn't actually been released yet (p.s., yahoo movies lies), we saw harry potter instead. well, the special effects were nice, and that's about the only thing good i can say about it. not as good as the other potters, and no i did not read the books so that's not tainting me. plenty of other things taint me, but we'll save that for another cranial-sacral therapy session.

went to buca di beppo before the movie and had some scrrrrrrumptious lunch. although before we could finish, min accidentally knocked over a glass, that then broke, whose shard cut her finger. the manager brought some bandaids and gave us free cake as an apology. and may i say, honey, i'm sorry you cut your finger. but DAMN. i'm so glad we scored that free cake and accompanying sambuca sauce. my god. good shit.

after harry blahblah we tooled around the mall looking for christmas presents and slippers for me. i have had my $4 leather winnetonka slippers for almost 10 years. cool in the summer, warm in the winter. perfection. but they are really about 2 years overdue for the trashbin. heels are a bit shredded and smooshed, sole is cracking and fading away, and they're stained pretty thoroughly. but dammit i love them! and want exact replicas!

this morning i couldn't stand it and started trolling the internet for them -- alas they are no longer in production. but i think i have found some suitable replacements via zappos. finally taking the zappos plunge, we shall see how that goes..

3. work is still boring the shit out of me. but thankfully, i have liz to keep me amused and high-profile projects to get cancelled because people can't get their shit together. oh and a fire drill is coming sometime this week. i'm so excited!! wait, what was i thinking? work ROCKS!!!


ok that's enough love for now. don't want to smother you.
good night, and good luck.

today was a good day to blog

consider it my sleep-deprived gift to you, my darlings.

630 am: wake up too early so you can go get pain medicine that - you guessed it - the pharmicist fucked up and you can't get for another whole day.

845 am: go get frappaccino because you're so bloody sleepy from getting up at the crack of dawn.

10 am: learn about career paths in a department that you are trying to leave. attempt to feign interest. fail.

11 am: work?

12 pm: enjoy the aromas of Ranch 99 biological waste

12:45 pm: enjoy the aroma of some toffee crack that you didn't order (because of the earlier frappaccino), but they made for you anyway because - hello - you're there. OBVIOUSLY you need some toffee crack. get guilted into paying for unexpected crack. enjoy crack guilt-free.

130 pm: work. attempt to feign interest. fail.

3 pm: get urgent call about emergency bug going live tonight, because the original bug owner went home early. determine that the bug doesn't apply to your Favoritest Cuntry Ever. enjoy the aroma of unimpacted irrelevancies and not having to work late.

430 pm: discover need to play ping pong, or pool. waddle downstairs to game rooms. pick up paddle. move toward table. get ousted by geeks who RSVP'd the room.

431 pm: quickly jump to adjacent room to secure pool table, since primary aforementioned geek was playing pool while waiting for secondary geek. glare at annoying dude who magically took over table during the last 60 seconds.

455 pm: after narrowly losing at air hockey, emerge triumphant at subsequent round of pool, since annoying dude has left the building.

530 pm: realize it's time to go home. call for your chariot.

6 pm: chariot arrives with a wife and puppy in tow. kiss both. exit stage right.

7 pm: forage for dinner and finally settle on leftovers. attempt to feign interest. fail.

7:20 pm: write checks for bills. wish that you could pay rent online.

7:45 pm: brush my cat because she has skin issues that make her hair mat. ignore 15 minutes of wailing and hissing.

830 pm: watch min like a hawk because her dinner is causing her to have an attack. get meds and a bowl in case she throws up. pump adrenaline intermittently. wait.

9 pm: sit next to min on the couch and have her fall asleep on you while you watch surprisingly interesting little show. pet pearl occasionally after she perches on the other side of you and chews her bone.

9:50 pm: put min to bed. kiss both.

10:15 pm: attempt to feign interest in lame law & 0rder episode. fail.

10:17 pm: put pearl to bed. kiss both.

10:18 pm: get on the internets. catch up on all your reading.

11:45 pm: feel not ready for bed yet. start blogging.

12:10 am: continue to not feel ready for bed, but go anyway. wish your readers sweet dreams and happy ucmjoining.

END TRANS

oh and p.s.

i hate hormones. and ovaries.

get thee to a mummery

i know this is serious, but believe me, my mom would love that i was having fun with these headlines. after all, she came up with murrito.

so the news i have is, she's still in the hospital and they are running tests. they have two theories that they are poking and prodding to death: diabetes, or heart trouble. we will know more late tomorrow, or maybe thursday. in the meantime my mom is exhausted but fine. altho she bit her tongue pretty severely during the seizure, but they didn't have to do stitches.

also i found out that she and my dad are definitely moving up to oregon. to stay with one of my uncles, who has an apartment attached to his house. you may recall i described this a few moons ago as a deplorable sounding place. apparently it has undergone some renevation. but also, my parents are literally out of options. my dad's disability doesn't make it easy for them to get a place on their own, and they've been looking! but at least this seems to be working out, odd a jump as it is.

anyway, thanks to everyone who sent well wishes and other forms of positive vibery! both she and i really appreciate it.

moron!

undefeated champion = me.
i am a moron.
just a fyi.
sorry for the cryptic-ness, but i just have to document this moment for myself.
i now return you to the regular blend of fluff and medical reporting.

i am such a geek

this just came into my inbox, and my first thought was: cool!

Dynamic View Training on UNIX
Come and learn how you can save time by developing with dynamic views. This will be an informative training session on dynamic views. It will clearly demonstrate the benefits of using dynamic views and how to get started with them.


oh and ps. no update on my mom, sorry. my sister's stupid cell doesn't take incoming calls, and i haven't heard from her since yesterday. thanks sis!

mom's the word

please keep my mom in your thoughts. 15 minutes after we returned home, from a great weekend in bodega bay (more on that another time), i got a call from my sister that my mom is in the hospital. apparently she had a seizure (probably grand mal, from the description) while at the mall with my dad. this was about 2 hrs ago, and they'd all just gotten to the ER about 30 minutes earlier, so they have no idea yet what brought this on. anyways, any prayers or good thoughts are greatly appreciated...

sleep, data

apparently i am turning into a night owl. which is truly bizarre to me, because i friggin LOVE sleep. i guess i need an android to trick me into a forced regeneration cycle.

yesterday, redux

again, utter lack of concentration when it comes to being productive. however, i have been able to point out some flaws in other people's work. and try a new frosty caffienated drink. oh and get those itunes errors again.

my work is done.

and now, the rest of the story

it occurs to me that i haven't really updated you all on my home life. so here is an attempt at a BRIEF recap. ok. so:

1. my mom went back to my dad about two weeks ago. she says it's only for a few months while he gets settled, but he also (supposedly) only has 6-12 months left period. they have been saying that for years, but whatever. i don't mean to sound callous. altho i know i am on this point. but i guess i feel like i've heard this before and she's just getting sucked back in. her life though. oh and two bonuses:
   
   - the day after my mom left to come here, my dad apparently tried to kill my sister by throttling her. way to increase family spirit!
   - my dad was later diagnosed as being bipolar. he is on meds now and supposedly is doing much better. i hope that continues to be true.
   
   ps. we really miss her already. it was good to have someone else to bounce ideas off and just generally be silly with.
   pps. taking a break is probably for the best since we were running out of money in the 'help my mom rack up frequent flier miles' department
   
   
2. min just got out of a weeklong stay at the hospital.
   
   what? you thought her surgery was going to take care of everything? no shit, us too! i could regale you with details that min would probably despise me for sharing, but i will just say this: it was kinda scary for a while, but in the end it turned out she has extremely bad diverticulitis and will need to pay even more attention to all the little signs her body does/n't give her in order to avoid losing part of her intestines in the future.
   
   and she does feel a little better now, thanks. but drained, like me, so we're going to go up to bodega bay this weekend with pearl.

ok that's it for now. this ends the blogging tourettes portion of the evening. going to try to invoke some sleep now. later, corn!

sometimes you feel like a nut

actually most of the time i feel like a nut. and not like a Pe-can, almond or chestnut (which i just remembered was an old handle of mine - chest-nut. heh). no, i mean nut like a goofball. this is because, in case you didn't catch it between my more serious posts, i am an extremely silly girl.

and i am good company. this is a little shoutout to NUTS. you know who you are, and you:

1. are all fucking hilarious
   
2. give me a space to mock, enjoy my own wit and inadvertently vent, guilt-free
   
3. keep my inbox from being empty
   
4. make me happy when i'm bored, blue, or both

i wish i could share more of our brilliance with the world, but sadly, there are too many lawyers out there. until the world becomes a safer place, i will enjoy our wimmin's only space and say:

thank you. =)

ok fine

i have been peer pressured into not letting this blog die a quick and painless death. also, liz wisely reminded me that every post does not have to be a tome. with that in mind, and no promises about how often i will post, i bring you this:

i cannot generate any interest in working today. normally i love mucking about in the code, and the window behind me is full of it, ready for me to code sweet love to it, but i'm just bored as shit. i'd much rather look at maternity clothes liz is considering or try to buy songs on itunes but keep getting an error. excellent.

cutesy, girly shirts

are something i sometimes enjoy on other people, but have absolutely no interest in wearing myself. and the same thing holds true for blogging. there are so many blogs i love reading and (sporadically) commenting on. but clearly i have neither the time nor inclination to keep my own blog updated. which i'm sure is obvious to my 3 readers, since my posts have dwindled to nothing.

so, sorry, but consider this official notice. if you are interested in keeping up with me and don't have my email address, go here (to avoid spammers) and drop me a line.

and the rest of you who blog, keep it up! i have an self-entertainment quota to meet. :-)